Chapter Forty

First Steps

The solid bundle of energy jolted him out of his dreams. Shocking him into reality in a way no alarm clock had ever managed. He didn't remember his dream, but he knew she had been by his side for it. The person who would be beside him now in this bed if this were a perfect world, but it wasn't and never had been. He was used to dreaming about her after two years…

In that first year he'd dreamed sugary sweet dreams of him being whole and them being together, he'd wake up broken and alone. He'd also dream of failing her though, sometimes his legs would suddenly stop and he would lose her…He'd wake up from both knowing he wasn't worthy of her and that in the end he was always a detriment that could very easily prove fatal to her.

That summer that had followed, had followed much the same. She would be with him, in his arms and he would wake up alone every morning and be forced to remember she was gone. Or he would lose her again and again, he would see the final scene of their time together play out…Worse were the times he had saved her in his dreams and woken up knowing that those actions hadn't been real. There was a reason his sleep patterns had followed much the same as hers in those months.

Those months that had followed her coming home his dreams had run the full gamut, like his emotions. From sickeningly sweet to losing her, but others had started to creep in the middle; normal dreams, like them being on cases together, searching out the bad guys…

In his dreams now the thing that he mostly remembered was she was beside him. He still dreamed of the happily ever after on occasion; still woke up every once in awhile sweating with her name on his lips as his eyes scanned for her. Those weren't the dreams that haunted him every night though. She was just there in them as she was in real life, by his side.

He knew he dreamed of her last night, his mind hadn't left her since he'd left her apartment after talking to Cindy. It was all he thought about the entire night, it was the reason he'd only slept four hours thanks to his son's wake up call.

He smiled as he tossed his son over and tickled him as was their ritual, there would be only one better way to wake up and that were if Max was by his side as he was jolted into consciousness.

"You hungry?" he asked leaving his son as he stood to throw on pajama bottoms and a shirt before starting their normal business of the day.

"Wan' juice" Cale said from his position on the bed.

"Then we'll get you some juice" Logan said swinging the little boy into his arms and making his way out of the room.

His mind throughout the day inevitably wandered back to Original Cindy's words the day before. He'd noticed there was something off with Max at the diner, but the last thing Max had ever been was easy to figure out. There were dozens of reasons for her to just go quiet and he'd stopped pushing a long time ago…Hell, who was he kidding he'd almost never pushed, then again neither had she…First attempts were always followed by attitudes so it was quickly dropped.

Original Cindy had called him on that last night asking when the hell he and Max ever talked about the important stuff.

They didn't.

Not when they could avoid it, they'd gotten into habits that first year of hiding their feelings and had never broken them. Her voice had been so tiny when she'd said, 'I really thought we'd beat it.' So had he, they did in a way. It was meant to tear them apart, but it hadn't succeeded.

Now he had to take that next step though. How was he supposed to do that? He remembered Cindy's words of 'Max can't move on if you don't,' they knew that they needed to move on, it was just that one of them needed to take the first step. Original Cindy had painted such a bleak picture too supported by logic that he hadn't been able to fight it for long.

The problem was how to even be interested in someone besides from Max. He hadn't died when he met Max, though he certainly hadn't been lying when he told her that hers was the most beautiful face he had ever seen. He still saw other faces though, other bodies, even lusted after them slightly, but they hadn't been her... They didn't have her hair, her eyes, her lips, the perfect curve of her jaw, the way she moved…

He could talk to others, still be interested in what they had to say, he could laugh at their jokes, smile at their stupidity, be dazzled by their intellect, but they weren't her.

No one would ever be her.

It was a simple fact he'd have to live with and get over. The first step is always the hardest, but it's one he has to take.

Logan Voiceover (at The Cellar):

My father's words of 'Be a man, Logan' echo in my brain as I watch Lanie, Elaine smile at me.

She's cute, funny, interesting and I'm trying to stop comparing her to Max.

She grew up out in the suburbs, she had been 15 when the pulse had hit, she had just barely started dreaming of the future when it was taken away. If it hadn't been for the pulse she would have gone on to college, probably even grad school. She looks and acts like the type of person who would have helped others, a shrink or a social worker maybe. Of course these are only my opinions, but I doubt I'm far off.

I'm watching her lips and I'm wondering if she notices, they're stained with some berry colored gloss that causes the light to reflect off of them and draw your eyes in. Of course I'm looking and trying not to think of Max's. Max has those full lips I'd seen my mother's friends drop thousands of dollars for that hadn't come out half as well as Max's. Lanie's are just normal lips.

Of course my brain realizes she's attractive, hot even, especially now, dressed for night, dressed hoping she would be seeing me.

I feel as if I'm 14 all over again, not how I had with Max. Not worried if she likes me, but how the hell do I do this kind of worried. In the end she saves me from figuring out how to do this myself.

She smiles and lightly hits my arm as I make a joke slightly at her expense, "I should really be going," she says for the dozenth time in the past ten minutes, "the diner opens at 7." She bites her bottom lip the tiniest bit as she says this, it's obvious that she's trying to figure out what to do as I watch her as an observer and not as an eager participant. The next thing I know, she's stepped forward to say goodbye, she lifts up just the tiniest bit since she already has decent heels on and she softly kisses my lower lip with her own. "Don't be a stranger" she nods as she steps back making her escape.

I give her the cocky grin, my 30+ years of training before Max starting to kick in again, "Have a good day at work" I give the safe reply, especially since she has to be up in just a few hours.

"If I wake up" she smiles back before turning to head over to her friends, who she'd ditched to come talk to me.

I don't breathe a sigh of relief that it's over and the first step has been taken. I can feel their eyes watching me, eyes pretending not to be and once more I'm 14 and grateful that I'm not going to have to be the one to tell Max. Cassia's eyes catch me even though she's sideways and talking to Vida, they're filled with disdain and for the first time I realize Alec was right about her. How the hell could I have missed that?

Logan and Alec made their way over to the clunker of a car, it had long been decided that Alec would be the one driving home. Logan was basically fine, he had just needed the extra courage in taking that step and it made more sense to just give Alec the keys since they had driven over together.

"So explain to me how the hell you managed that" Alec said a few minutes into their drive.

Logan's head turned and he gave him a 'you've got to be kidding me' look.

"You just sat there, you never even made the slightest attempt at pursuing her." Alec got that women were interested in those who didn't seem available, who were disinterested. He'd experienced it plenty of times, though he slightly encouraged them at the appropriate times. Logan though, he'd just sat there, talking to her as if she were Zen, "Hell she would have taken you home with her if you said anything besides 'Have a good day at work.'"

Logan didn't say anything he just turned his head back and chuckled silently.

"And Cassia looked like she was going to rip Lanie's eyes out at any minute. She doesn't even look at Max like that."

"Cassia isn't stupid, Max is the best of the best." Logan said entertaining Alec's need to talk and hopefully shutting him up.

Alec glared, Logan was right, he hated it, but he was right.

Logan just chuckled again seeing Alec brooding next to him, he really needed to find him an apartment.

Thanks for reading guys, wow I'm thinking more than a few of you are cranky now.

Babyangel: I want you to breathe, you knew this was coming since the start of the story.

Mystjade: Yea Logan's point of view was the only way to tell this chapter. Please keep telling me in the future when you want to see someone's point of view, I'll do my best to include it.

Kristibella: You reviewed just a few days ago (and your reviews are always fabulous), I post too frequently to expect a review from everyone each chapter. Okay well except for Babyangel, I've become dependent on seeing her name.