iCarly (c) Dan Schneider and Nickelodeon

Chapter Seven: iNever Win

Sam's thumbs twiddled in her pockets as she made her way up the elevator. The doors opened and she stepped out, noting the familiar pattern of the carpet. She checked her watch: 2:13. That morning she had received a text message from Carly's number asking her to come over so they could "discuss" what happened. Sam said she would meet Carly at her apartment around 2:15. She had left her backpack there anyway, so it would be easier just to go over and get it. Freddie didn't want her talking to Carly anymore after the whole "greased pig" fiasco, but Sam didn't have anything to hide or fear. Carly was still her best friend deep down. Maybe this time she was finally beginning to show her true colors.

Sam walked by the hall of doors until she reached Carly's. For a moment, she caught a glimpse of Freddie's door, which was right across the hall where it always was. Mrs. Benson was probably in there feeding him prune pops and giving him another tick bath. Sam chuckled to herself. After what happened the previous night, he was getting more than just a tick bath. She walked over to Carly's door, knocking hard. Normally, she would have just let herself in but she figured that would probably scare this Carly half to death. It wasn't more than thirty seconds before Carly was at the door, wearing a summery dress with her black hair draped around her shoulders. As soon as she looked at her, Sam knew she wasn't there for hospitality.

"Samantha," she said with a plasticity that would make a barbie doll cringe. "Please come in."

Sam plastered on a fake smile and entered the apartment. "Thanks." It looked no different than it did the last time she stepped foot in there. She wasn't sure how she would expect it to. Carly closed the door and offered Sam a seat on the chair across from the couch.

"Peppy Cola?" she offered, holding the can to Sam's face.

Sam shook her head. "I'm good."

Carly took a seat on the couch, her white legs crossed and shiny from her obvious morning shave. "I want to apologize for the way I acted towards you," she finally said pouring herself a glass of Peppy Cola. "I really don't know what I was thinking."

Sam slouched into the chair, unwrapping a piece of bacon gum that she had in her pocket. "Obviously nothing smart."

Carly frowned. "Sam, what I did was wrong and I am sorry. Please accept my apology."

Sam lifted an eyebrow, assessing Carly's face. "Yeah, sure."

Carly's perked up. "Yay!" She took a dainty sip of her drink. "But anyway, I feel just awful."

Sam rolled her eyes. "Carly. Seriously. It's okay. You can stop talking about it."

Carly looked down and blushed. "I know, I guess I was just..." She looked back at Sam. "Disappointed. You see I've known Freddie for a long time, practically my whole life. So you can understand that I wasn't exactly thrilled to find out he was dating..." her eyes narrowed. "A criminal."

Sam shrugged, unfazed by the remark. "The future is mysterious and unpredictable." Sam chewed her gum and began to blow a bubble. "Hey, what do you bet I can get three bubbles inside of this next one?"

Carly shook her head in disbelief. She came to the conclusion that Sam had no idea what she was talking about. She pulled out a small playing card and waved it in front of her. "I found this in your backpack."

Pop! The bubble snapped. Carly grinned satisfactorily. Sam peeled the gum off her face and put it back in her mouth. "You went through my stuff?"

"I wanted to know what I was up against." She waved the card around. "And you did leave it here in my apartment."

Sam smiled. "Did you see my drawing of Mrs. Benson as a manticore?"

Carly stared at Sam, trying to hide the confusion on her face. "N-no. I did not see your manticore drawing."

"Too bad," Sam said, going back to chewing. "I think it's some of my best work."

"I did, however, find this card," she said getting back on track. Sam took a look at the face of the card. It was the double joker card Freddie had given her that first morning. "Look familiar?" Sam lifted her eyebrows, waiting for her to get to the point. Carly grinned. "Sam, you must understand that I have to assume the worst. And I can't just sit here and do nothing while you get away with the horrible things you have done." She smiled, standing up. "You know what has to happen, don't you?" She sat on the coffee table, in front of Sam. "Unless, of course, you want to figure out a trade?"

Sam spit out her gum into her hand and slapped it under Carly's coffee table, right next to her perfect legs. "I'm listening."

"A girl like you," Carly continued. "You have everything going for you. You're on the honor roll, you have a scholarship and your whole life ahead of you. I don't want to see you lose all of that just because you were a little rebellious in high school." She flipped her hair to the side. "And then there's Freddie, who you carelessly dragged into all of this!"

"Oh yeah," Sam jeered. "Cause Freddie never does anything wrong."

"I don't care what happens to you, Sam Puckett," Carly sneered. "Because quite frankly, I don't like you. But I don't want Freddie getting in trouble just because you got him involved in your antics!" She sighed, sitting up and crossing her legs. "But it's alright. All you have to do is say is that you will never see him again and we can put the whole thing behind us."

Sam blinked. "What if I...did this?" She leaned over and snatched the card away from Carly, ripping it in half. "Oops. Bye bye, evidence."

Carly smirked. "I have pictures, Sam. Pictures of your backpack, what I found in there, and I will find more. You can't get out of this." She leaned forward, her lips curving more and more into a cheshire cat smile. "I suggest you take my offer. Freddie may think he sees the good in you, but I can see what you really are. Rotten. You agree to stay away from him, or else your entire future is kaput." She tilted her head. "So what's it going to be, hm?"

Sam stared blankly into the eyes of her best friend. Her lips pursed together, her teeth clenching. With every breath she felt herself lose a little more control until finally she couldn't take it any more. She broke into a fit of hysterical laughter. Carly leaned back, even more confused now than in the beginning. Sam couldn't stop howling. Her gut began to cramp from the amount of pressure she felt from her guffaw. She clutched it, breathing heavily.

"You're laughing," Carly said, insulted. "Why are you laughing?"

Between fits of giggling, Sam was able to speak. "You!" She stood up, walking to the kitchen.

"D-didn't you hear what I said?"

"Oh..." Sam said, grabbing an apple from the fridge. "Believe me. I heard you." She couldn't stop chortling all the way back to the living room.

"You're supposed to be intimidated."

"Oh yeah, I'm so scared!" Sam shook her hands around, mocking fright.

"I don't get it! What did I say that was so funny?"

"You're blackmailing me!" Sam finally burst out. She lifted her fingers to her face, pinching her nose. "Oh god...I think I need to lie down."

"Um...okay."

"No, no. I'm okay," she contradicted. She inhaled. "Wow, Carly."

"I get it, you don't think I can do it! You think I'm too nice to go through with it." Carly couldn't bring herself to grin. "Well you're wrong! I will totally do it!"

"No!" Sam heaved. "It's not that!" Sam bit her lip, calming herself down. "It's just funny."

Carly's face fumed. "Funny?"

"Well, yeah," she said more tranquilly. "All I ever wanted was for you to see me as your equal. It took for us to become enemies for that to finally happen."

"W-who..." Carly stammered. "Who says I see you as an equal?"

"Maybe even a little bit above you."

Carly stood up. "Don't count on it!"

Sam smiled. She jumped around the apartment, tossing the apple up and down. "And you know what else is funny? You did this whole thing: taking pictures, videos, inviting me over here to blackmail me...you did all of that based on the assumption that I didn't want to get caught." She leaned against the counter. "You didn't think, for one second..." Sam lowered her smile to a sly grin. "That I want to."

Carly's eyes widened. "Huh?"

"Do you know who I am, Carly?" Sam asked, simply. "Do you even know my favorite color? No, and that's where you went wrong. Because the truth is, I do want to get caught. I love getting caught. I want people to see my work and say 'Hey! That Sam Puckett, she's a mad genius!'. You think I care about my stupid scholarship? My GPA? My future?" She walked over towards Carly, their eyes not leaving each other's for a second. "I want attention."

Carly trembled. "B-but-"

"Call the principal! Call the police! You think I care if I get arrested? I shoved a taco down the pants of the ambassador of Mexico!" She stopped for second. "Or was it a chalupa?" She shook it off. "I've been arrested four times, spent nights in prison with inmates playing poker, you think I care if I get detention? If I don't get to go to college? The only thing that matters to me..." Sam took a bite of her apple. "Is living. And that's what I'm doing."

Carly watched as Sam chewed. "I'll...I'll tell Freddie!"

"He knows."

"I'll make an announcement on iCarly!"

"I'll be famous."

"I'll..." she hesitated.

"And besides. If you do end up telling, all I have to do is say that you were my accomplice." She tilted her head to the side. "I mean really, a double joker and they think it's only one student? People are so stupid it's laughable."

Carly's eyes bulged. "Y-you can't drag me into this! You have no proof!"

"I believe that card is all the proof I need," Sam said, confidently. "The fact that you just now decided to turn me in, with access to my personal items? You came last night, to the dance. Remember? Why on earth would you set up a camera in perfect view of the stage? Just think about it. The Ridgeway Double Joker isn't a bulldog at all...just a snake from a preppy rich kid school who thinks she's better than us. No matter what you say, that story sure sounds a lot better on paper than the truth." Sam's eyes narrowed onto Carly's, who was stiff as a board. "I may have underestimated you, but don't you dare make the mistake of underestimating me."

"Wh-what do you want?" Carly sputtered.

"Want?" Sam frowned. "What the heck would I want from you?"

Carly continued to gaze, puzzled. "But if you don't want anything-"

"Here's what I want," Sam said seriously. A feeling washed over her, something she hadn't felt in a long time. Here she had the perfect opportunity. Carly, after all these years, at her beck and call. This would probably never happen again for the rest of her life. She walked over to the living room where the table is. "I want you to come here." Carly was hesitant, but she did as she was asked. "Sit."

"What's this-"

"Sit!" Carly sat on the couch. Sam turned to face the terrified girl as she folded her fingers together. "Cool." Sam took a deep breath. She placed one foot on the coffee table and leaned over her knee. "I'm gonna talk to you now. Your job is to sit there, shut up and listen. If you call anyone, if you speak of this to anyone, you'll wish you'd never been born, you got that?" Sam climbed over the table so she was face to face with Carly. "What I say is gonna sound really crazy. No matter what I say you can't say anything back."

"But what if-"

"Starting now."

"But-"

"Sh!" Sam hushed. Carly recoiled as Sam sighed, looking deep into her eyes. What was she supposed to say? How was she supposed to start? Only one thing burned in her head the entire time. "I hate you," she finally said. "I know I'm not supposed to. I don't have any reason to. When I said you never talk to me like I'm your equal, I meant it. Not at school, not with the show, and I know what you think. You think I'm broken. Well," Sam gulped, her gaze unwavering. "I am. I'm a horrible human being. I'm loud and obnoxious and violent, but you love that. You love that I need you because it doesn't matter what's wrong, you can fix it. You can fix me..."

"I don't under-"

"Shut up!" Sam stood. "I asked you to just shut up and listen and you can't even do that! I thought that if I could try to be a good person my life would change for the better. But every time I tried you kept reminding me of how horrible I was! Well, guess what? You're right. I can't change, Carly! I will always be Sam Puckett, the girl who uses brute force to solve everything! The girl who lies because when she tells the truth she gets hurt! The girl who puts up walls and never breaks them because what's behind them is more horrifying than anything you've ever seen! And sometimes I wonder..." She breathed in. "If you care about me at all."

Sam's mind was beginning to spin. It was almost as if years of pent-up energy was unleashing itself in a volcanic eruption. She couldn't stand the empty space. She went back to her seat on the coffee table.

"You know I..." she started again. "I don't have anything of my own. Everything I have, I have because of you. There was one time, one thing I had that was mine. A secret. And you didn't even let me have that. Or maybe..." She looked down. "Maybe I wasn't ready for it. Maybe I wanted to tell you because I wanted to show you that I did, but when you found out it was like it wasn't mine anymore. Do you know what it's like to have a best friend you can't tell anything to?" She shook her head. "That's where it all started, you know. That day...that night...my first kiss wasn't glamorous, but it was important to me. And you never even cared. All you did was yell at me! Because you couldn't let me have that! With him! With anyone!" Sam started to fume as she stood up again, making her way around the coffee table as she ranted. "And I'm sick of it! I'm sick of living in your shadow! I'm not your sidekick! I'm your friend! Your best friend!" She sighed. "But what's the point? What's the point of even competing with you when all you have to do is play and you'll win? That's how you see this, right? A game. Like you gave me your toy on the playground and now you decided you want it back." She looked back at Carly, who had loosened up quite a bit. "All I ever did was like him, and you didn't even have the decency to do that. Even after everything, he still loves you. Who am I to say he can't?" She chuckled. "You know, causing Freddie pain used to be the one thing I was better at than you..." she shook her head. "And even at that you beat me."

Sam began to walk out the door, stopping at the entrance.

"I love you, Carly," she whispered. "But I can't stand you."

Carly watched as Sam opened the door to the hall, slamming the door behind her. She stepped into the hallway, angry, upset, yet strangely elated. She had never realized how many things she kept to herself, how many words she had left unspoken for so many years. Perhaps she never felt like she had the right to say those things. After all, Carly was her best friend, her moral superior, her example for living a good and healthy life. It wasn't until that moment, in that room, that she realized just how angry she truly was.

As she leaned on the door, she closed her eyes, taking in the moment. Her serenity was interrupted as she heard a muffled sound coming from behind Freddie's door. Sam pushed off the door, moving closer to the sound. Soon, the conversation became clearer from the other side.

"Why?" a deep voice rocketed through the hall. "Why can't you just let me have this one thing?"

Sam stiffened. It was Freddie's voice.

"If it was any other girl, Freddie!" came another. This time it was Mrs. Benson.

"You'd be exactly the same way!" Freddie snapped. "This isn't about Sam! It's about you! You can't handle the fact that I'm growing up!"

"That girl is a plague!"

"That girl saved my life!"

"Why couldn't you have just continued liking Carly? Carly was nice." The comment was followed by silence and then the sound of rustling. "Fredward! Where do you think you are going?" He didn't respond. "Freddie!"

"I'm going out."

"Oh no you're not, young man! You're grounded, remember?"

Sam felt stuck to her spot across the hall. She should have move then, went back home and met up with him later. However, something was possessing her to stay.

"You can't ground me for going to a dance!"

"I am your mother. I can ground you for whatever I wish!"

Sam could hear Freddie groan from beyond the door. "Oh, so every time I'm happy you'll just ground me so everything can be exactly the way you want it, is that it?"

"No!"

"Can't you just be happy for me? Something in my life is finally going good! I just want to live for myself, Mom!"

"Not with her! I refuse to allow it!"

"Why? Because I love her?" he snapped.

"Don't say that! Don't you dare say that ever again!"

Freddie's voice muffled again. Through straining of her ears, Sam could hear the faint phrase. "I love Sam."

His words were immediately followed by a loud whack! Sam stood, stiff as a board. Silence settled into the hallway. The air caught in Sam's throat, she was unable to breathe. It wasn't long before The door handle twisted as Freddie Benson walked out into the hall, his hand tenderly touching the right side of his cheek. He shut the door behind him, his mother calling his name quietly. When he looked up, his eyes met Sam's immediately. She stared at him, her face blank.

"Sam? What are you doing here?" She didn't reply. Her breathing became heavier with every inhale. Her nostrils began to flare as she moved her eyes from Freddie, to the door. "Sam..."

"I'll kill her," she whispered, her head beginning to thrash. "I'll kill her!" she shouted again, making her way towards the door in a full on sprint.

Freddie was able to grab her and hold her back. "Sam! Stop! It's okay!"

Sam didn't stop. She pushed forward attempting to break the barrier. Okay? It wasn't okay. It was never okay. Freddie's mom loved him, didn't she? It didn't make sense. She was crazy, that was for sure, but she would never hurt her son. She would never...Sam felt uneasy. Her strength began to diminish as her chest grew hard. "I'm gonna kill her!" she shouted again. "Let go of me! Let go!" She squirmed, but it was clear that in her current state, she wasn't going to get anywhere. She collapsed onto the ground, tears beginning to tickle her eyes. She tried to calm herself down by breathing in and out. Eventually, she was able to settle herself.

"You okay?" Freddie asked. Sam looked away, her eyes slicing the ground. "I'm gonna let go now, alright?" He released Sam's arms, allowing them both to stand. "There." Sam couldn't take it. She angrily pushed him into the wall, pinning him there. "Hey!"

"Why the heck didn't you tell me?" her eyes shot into him.

"This was the first time it's happened."

"Oh sure!"

"I'm serious!" he sighed. "She didn't mean to...she was just angry that's all."

Sam's eyes narrowed. "Yeah, that's how it always starts." Her mind flashed back to her own mother. "They're angry with you and they won't tell you why. At first it's just a one time thing. That turns into two times, then three, then twice a week, and then next thing you know you don't ever want to come home anymore! If a system works, there's no reason to change it."

"Oh come on, Sam."

"Has this happened before? Tell me the truth."

"No! Never!"

Her lips tightened. "You're sure?"

Freddie nodded. "Positive." Sam released her grip, resting her head on his chest. She didn't cry, she wasn't relieved. Backing away from him, she noticed a red mark starting to appear on his face. Freddie hesitated as she reached up towards his face, turning it to get a better look. "Is it bad?"

Sam shook her head. "You've had worse..." her voice was quiet. "It's all my fault."

Freddie snapped his head towards her. "No, it isn't. My mom just has a hard time letting me go, that's all. If she got to know you then this wouldn't be an issue." He grimaced. "She's just stubborn."

Sam blocked out his words. She couldn't hear anything but the screaming in her head. She put her hands on his neck. "It looks painful."

"Sam listen to me," he said directly. "It is not your fault." Her brain was in a fog as he leaned in to kiss her. She tried to kiss him back, she tried to tell herself that in this world she was different, that she didn't hurt him here like she did before. But no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't shake the pit in her stomach. Thankfully, he pulled away before he noticed something was wrong.

He exhaled, hearing the sounds of sobbing through his apartment door. "I should go see if she's okay," he said.

Sam stared at the floor. She couldn't look at him. Not now. "Yeah."

"I'll try to-" he started before noticing Sam's avoidance. He felt uneasy. "I'll text you later."

Sam remained stoic the entire time. When Freddie disappeared behind the door, she could hear Mrs. Benson sobbing. Sam's head felt light, she stumbled away from the scene, unable to contain herself for much longer. She wanted to throw up. Home wasn't an option. She wasn't able to look into her mother's eyes this way. She couldn't go to Carly, Gibby wouldn't understand...she had nowhere to go. She ran past a long hallway, stopping before she reached a fork in the hall. She hadn't been down that way in years...

Suddenly, she knew exactly where she needed to be.

Sam slid open the window, putting one foot in front of the other over the ledge. A gust of wind brushed her hair back. Examining the area, she slid off the windowsill, landing with both feet on the metal surface. She walked over to the metal staircase leading to the bottom of the Bushwell Apartment Complex. Her hand grabbed the railing, her nose twitching as her other hand reached down and touched the step. She hadn't been back there since it happened, she was sure neither of them had been. She sunk down and sat there in the musty old fire escape.

Her mind was a tornado, hearing nothing but the unsteady silence circle around her. Freddie's words echoed in her head over and over. It's not your fault, she scoffed at them. Not her fault. Sure, he could say that now. This world's Sam never hurt him, never hit him up for cash, or dismantled his bike. The more she thought about it, the sicker she became. She only wanted him to leave her alone. That was why she pushed him away all those years. She hated him. Of course, that's how it was. It wasn't by accident, rather by choice.

It's too late to take that back, she thought. It was the only way to make sure he stayed away from her. Sam grimaced. But I failed, she thought. Freddie stayed for Carly. She thought she could get him to leave, force him out by scaring him off. The boy was too stubborn. She looked around the fire escape. He stayed...she thought again. That was the last thing Sam wanted back then. If he stayed, it wasn't for her, it was for Carly. Everything they did was for Carly. As years went on, she guessed, maybe it didn't always have to be that way. But she was wrong about that too. What kind of hypocrite was she, judging his mother for what she had done? After everything Sam did to him, could she honestly say that she loved him? Her hands covered her eyes. Her mother's face flashed in her head.

It was almost evening, the sun still high in the sky. She breathed in and out, hoping to calm down her mind, but the image of her mother continued to come forward. No! She snapped her head up. She shook it repeatedly, as though to erase the image from her mind. She wasn't like that. She wasn't her mother. She only hurt him because she had to, right? Her mom hurt her because she was...because she...Sam wasn't sure. She never hurt Melanie, not once.

Is that Carly Shay in the mirror?

Her mother's words to her rang back. She clutched herself tighter. Another voice was now taking over.

There is a real living, breathing girl who wants to go out with you! This may never happen again!

Her cheeks grew hot. How could someone say that about their son? Even if they did believe it was true.

Well, no girl who's met ya is gonna go on a date with ya...

Sam clutched her stomach, the pit feeling heavier. "Freddie..." Tears stung in her eyes as her hair fell over her face. "I'm sorry." She wasn't sure how much more of this she could take. Living there, seeing him smile at her the way he used to. She didn't deserve his kindness.

No matter what happened that night...or what you're feeling now...

That gentle touch, that soft voice filled with so much patience.

I love you.

She rejected his words, his touch, his love. She feared it. Here she was back in his arms, the chance to do things without years of fear and regret, and she still couldn't keep from causing him pain. Her heart began to race. The monster was in her blood, not in her world. She had tried to be good before. She changed everything about herself to become someone capable of love.

Sam is like a pet chimp

She? She is lazy, and a criminal, and a nuisance, and she has terrible table manners!

But she failed. As much as she wanted to leave the past behind, it was engrained into her entire being from birth.

Who is that in the mirror?

Her mother's voice came back. Sam wiped her eyes and ran her fingers through her hair. She knew who she was. She was the problem that could never be fixed, the nightmare that the world would never wake up from. Carly took advantage of everything she had, that much was true. But it was Sam who didn't deserve even a scrap of that love. She stood up, her body feeling weak. There was no way she could keep the charade up any longer. She wouldn't be her mother, begging for love and affection while giving nothing in return. There was only one thing she could do.

She had to tell Freddie the truth.