iCarly (c) Dan Schneider and Nickelodeon

Chapter Nine: iHave You

Freddie took the bag and pulled out a cheese puff, lifting it with his thumb and pointer finger into the air. Sam nodded and opened her mouth. The two had moved from the bed to the floor, sitting across from one another. He tossed the cheese puff to her and she caught it.

"I can't get around the idea that you think you and Carly are friends. It's just weird," he said handing Sam the bag.

She took it and pulled out a puff to throw at him next. They continued to play the game through the conversation. "It wouldn't be so hard to imagine if you actually knew her like I did."

"I've known Carly forever..." he replied. "You two just don't seem like you would get along at all."

"We...don't really," Sam said, honestly. This caught Freddie's attention. "I mean, okay she's my best friend. She just gets on my nerves sometimes. Like she'll yell at me for being late for rehearsal or something, but I can't help that all of the time, ya know?"

"Totally."

"And then there are times when I don't think she even likes me. She says she does, but I have trouble believing it. She'll call me a freak or a nightmare to my face, and then attach an 'I love you' to it, almost as though it's a joke. But I know it's not a joke. She really thinks I'm that horrible. And she keeps trying to get me into a relationship. Forcing me is a better word for it."

"Have you..." Freddie blushed. "Had a lot of relationships then?"

His tone went over Sam's head as she scoffed. "Hardly. You remember Frankie Merkin from elementary school? Well, I told Carly I liked him and she sent him a love letter saying it was from me. I found out about it at recess and pushed him out of a tree..."

"That sounds like something you would do."

"I didn't date till eight grade after that. There was this guy Jonah who-" Sam's face grew red. "He was a jerk, but I liked him so Carly convinced you to ask him to ask me out."

Freddie's head shot up. "Wait wait. Eighth grade. You mean Jonah that guy from my French class?"

"I guess."

Freddie frowned. "I got a B in that class because of him." He grabbed the bag and began to eat a few cheese puffs before continuing with the game. "But don't feel bad. Carly's always been the meddlesome type. She was always trying to get me to go out with other girls so she-" he stopped suddenly. "So what happened? With Jonah, I mean."

Sam was quiet. "He tried to kiss her."

"Oh."

"And would you believe the next time we dated it was the same guy. Consciously. I mean that was so stupid."

Freddie laughed. "That is pretty stupid."

"So...that's why..." she stopped for a moment, looking at Freddie. "I promised myself I wouldn't go for another guy Carly was into. That was hard though, cause she's like into a new guy every week."

"Yep."

"She wanted me to be happy and she thought the way to do that was to get me a boyfriend. I didn't really mind at first. There was this other guy, Pete who I went on three dates with or something like that..." She laughed.

"What?"

"It's just weird that I'm telling you all this. Where I'm standing you were there for all of it."

"I wish I had known you in elementary school."

Sam snickered. "Trust me. No you don't."

"I'm sure you weren't nearly as bad as people say you were." He smiled, his eyes dancing with delight. "And even if you were, I wouldn't really care."

Sam grabbed the bag and nervously. He really didn't get it, did he? "But anyway so Pete."

"Right. Pete."

"Carly invited him to my birthday party and...he called me a dude. So that was the first time I tried to change. I wanted to be more girly." Freddie let out a loud guffaw. "Seriously!"

"How'd that turn out?" he said, still laughing.

"I honestly believed she thought I could do it. But when it came time to actually perform, I did. And I still wasn't enough. Or maybe..."

Freddie settled himself. "You sure got involved with some dung piles."

But Sam shook her head. "With Pete it wasn't like that. He was nice, but that's all he really had going for him. He liked who I was, for the most part. I just...I said I wanted a boyfriend, but when it came down to it I was never satisfied. I didn't date again after that for...a year? No, two years. I guess she thought that was too long for a girl to be single. I don't think...yeah, no. There's only one relationship of mine that I actually initiated without her help."

"Which one was that?" he asked, genuinely curious.

Sam blushed. "That...isn't really important." She didn't want to bring up her relationship with him, not just yet. "I really kind of lost my mind when she was convinced I liked our intern Brad. She had you in on it, she embarrassed me and I told her! I don't like Brad, Carly! And still she kept telling me to make a move! And...it's like...even if I did like him I wasn't ready to make a move cause we barely knew each other! Ugh! She thinks I can't handle my own love life! I'm a pet she needs to take care of and it's really, really annoying."

"I agree. I think Carly was wrong to do that to you." He looked up to see Sam's eyes light up, her mouth widening into a smile. "What?"

"Say it again."

"What? That I think Carly is wrong?" he asked. Sam nodded. "Why?"

"I'm just savoring the moment, that's all. It might never happen again."

"Oh..." Freddie mumbled under his breath. "I think Carly is wrong about a lot of things."

"Not for me. You always agree with her, always. Even when she's wrong you agree with her. It's nice to hear you agree with me for once...on something that's not about food or MMA fights or planning pranks." She sighed. "But, you know, you love her so..."

"I don't love her."

"Right, but from what I remember you do."

Freddie held onto the plastic bag, looking down into it now half empty. "What about us?"

Sam lifted an eyebrow. "Us?"

Freddie didn't look up. "You mentioned Pete and Jonah and Brad...and there were some other guys, I'm guessing. But did you...I mean did we ever..."

Sam slipped her arms under her legs. "There is no us." The words hung in the air like weights of steel.

"Oh."

Sam hugged her knees tighter. "Maybe there was, once. Or...maybe there never was. I think we came to the conclusion that...there never would be."

Freddie nodded. "Can I ask why?"

"We said it was because we were too different...incompatible..."

Freddie squinted his eyes, confused. "You and I are incompatible? Says who?"

"I don't think that's the real reason, though." Sam ignored him. Freddie's ears perked. "I think...we spent so long needing Carly for everything that we forgot that we could exist without her. And now we just...can't." She pulled her hair out of her face. "You see what I mean?" Freddie didn't look up. He didn't say a word. "As long as there's a...her...there can't really be an us."

"Because she said so?" he snapped coldly.

Sam was about to shout No! but something stopped her. It was the hard cold lump that she never addressed, never acknowledged. The truth. "Basically. But it's more complicated than that."

"Some friend."

"It would be something that would happen eventually. I mean you never really got over her so-"

Freddie put his hands on his head. "Please stop saying that."

"But for me-"

"Yeah! I know! For you it's true!" Freddie shouted, standing to his feet. "But for me it's not! So just stop pretending like your world is fact and mine is fiction! That's not how this works!"

"Okay," Sam said, standing to meet him. "Dude, calm down."

"How can I be calm, Sam? Huh? You tell me how I can be calm knowing that in some reality I'm still slobbering over that...that..." He placed his hands over his head again and began to pace around the room. "Maybe it's not even in another reality. Even if it's in your head! No, that's even worse." He slammed his head down and rotated towards Sam, his eyes locking onto hers directly. "Is it true?"

"Is what true?"

"Everything! The boys, the show, the fact that I'm..." he couldn't bring himself to say it. "Is it true?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes! Really!"

His breath became short as his cheeks turned hot. "I swear to god, Sam. If this is some kind of trick-"

"It's not! I wouldn't lie to-" She stopped. "Okay, that's not true. I lie. It's what I do. I'm a pathological liar. But I swear this time I'm not lying! I promise!"

Freddie examined her face. He knew at an instant. "You're not, are you?" His heart began to pound. "Buttons..." he pretended to curse.

"And it shouldn't matter anyway. It's not like what's true in my memory is what's true here. Like you said, they're too completely different realities."

Her words didn't calm him. In fact, they seemed to rile him up more. His nose burned red. "But it is."

"What?"

"You mean I never get over her? Not ever?" He insisted. "Not even when you and I..." he reached his hands up to his hair, pulling on it. "No, no. You're wrong. This is wrong. It's all wrong. I spend years doing everything she says, following her around like some...some sick puppy and now you're telling me that I gave up the best thing in my life on the grounds that she told me to? I'm not buying it, Puckett!"

"Well you can buy it or not buy it all you want, but that doesn't change anything! That's the way it happened in my memory! You think you're the only one who suffered cause of this? I loved you!" she proclaimed. "And I watched you pine for her! Fall over and over again! You got hit by a taco truck for her! I was there, Benson! I was there through it all and I couldn't stand it! And then after we broke up you just went back to her, like nothing happened. Like I didn't matter at all. And that sucks! Because for me there's never been anyone else! Not ever!"

There was a long silence before Freddie finally spoke again. His words were quieter, more serene, but his voice cracked whenever a tone was uttered. "Carly was my first kiss," he finally said.

Sam's nose twitched. "Really?"

"She was my first crush, my first dance, my first..." he paused, looking down at his shoes. "Everything.

Sam's eyes widened. "Oh."

"When I first saw her I thought, this is it. She's the one. The girl of my dreams. But she never wanted me, not really. She'd want nothing more than for me to stop pining for her attention, she she'd set me up on these dates and I guess that's why I'm so uptight about going on blind dates now." He folded his arms across his chest. "But then I'd get too involved with a girl if I really liked her and that upset Carly. She needed me around, I guess. So then she'd say she missed me and I would drop everything because I thought she wanted to be with me. She never did. She kissed me, though. First time was cause I was almost going to leave the show. Second time was because she wanted me to give up this thing I won to Missy Robinson of all people, which I did."

Sam grimaced. "I hate that witch."

"And years, Sam. This went on for years. No one really told me to stop, but I knew it was wrong. I was just so lonely..." he sighed. "And once Carly figured out that she could get me to do anything she wanted just by kissing me, things got...bad." He walked towards Sam, his gaze never leaving hers. "Look, the point is, I know that in your mind I'm in love with Carly because I jumped in front of a taco truck for her and saved her life...or something."

"I ate half the tacos on the truck that day."

"But in this world, in my memories, you were the one who saved mine." He took her hand, moving in close. "Having to share that locker with you was the best thing to ever happen to me."

"But..." Sam said confused. "I'm Sam Puckett."

"Yeah, I know."

"I'm a juvenile delinquent."

Freddie thought for a second. "That I did not know."

"See?" Sam pulled away from him. "You only think you know me cause you've never actually seen any of the horrible things I've done! And Carly's right, Freddie! It's who I am! I'm a monster and a liar and a cheat and I beat you and hurt you and-" Her words were stopped by his hand resting itself on her neck.

"You done?" he asked. Sam stared at him in disbelief. "It doesn't matter what you've done. Who you are comes from your history, sure. Your background, your parents, your relationships..." He brushed back her hair. "But who you are is much bigger than just that. You know that, right?"

"I know I'm not Carly..." she whispered.

"Right," Freddie added. "But maybe you should stop thinking about who you're not, and start asking who you are? I think you might like what you see." He squeezed her hand tightly. "I know I do."

Sam stood there, her mouth hung open to dry. She didn't know how to respond. What could she say?

"Sam!" a voice called in followed by a pounding at the door. "If you're done making-out with Freddie your father and I are leaving soon!"

Sam rushed to the door, swinging it wide open. "Mom!"

"There you are," she said. "Melanie's going to be out late tonight. Think you can hold down the fort, solider?"

"I think I can manage," Sam replied.

Pam grinned as she turned to Freddie. "Private Benson!"

He straightened. "Yes, ma'am!"

"I'm putting you on Puckett duty. Make sure she doesn't slack off or spend the evening eating nothing but junk-food. If all else fails, you may resort to removing your shirt as a decoy."

Sam rolled her eyes. "That's Gibby, Mom."

"Is it?" She frowned. "That's disappointing."

"Alright bye!" Sam shouted, pushing her out the door.

"Fine! Fine!" Pam said, lifting her hands up in surrender. "You give a teenage girl life and then she gets a boyfriend and it's all 'see ya later, mom! Stay out as late as you want! Or better yet don't come back at all!' Honestly, the things I put up with for you. Astonishing."

"Oh shut up!" Sam shouted, jokingly back at her mother. "Go stuff your face with rice!"

"I will!" she called from downstairs.

Freddie laughed as Sam's face dusted pink. "One word and you're dead," she said, bluntly.

Sam leaned over the banister, watching her parents prepare for their outing. Freddie was beside her, watching her more than anything. Her mom was helping her dad put on a tie, straightening his jacket, worrying about her own appearance more than she should. If I didn't know any better, she thought to herself. I'd say it was just like a regular family.

"Look at her," Sam said. "I've never seen her smile like that."

Freddie nodded. "She looks happy."

Sam pulled away from the banister, shaking her head. "How can I do this, Freddie? How can I just go back and allow her to be a complete mess for the rest of her life?"

"Sam. If your old life was so terrible, why do you want to go back? Wouldn't you rather live here? Where your family is together?"

Sam sighed. "It wouldn't be fair to Carly. Or Spencer, or the fans of the show..."

"But what about you?" he asked. "What's fair to you?"

Sam chuckled. "It isn't like those TV shows, is it?" she recalled. "There, it's always obvious what the right decision is. It isn't fair. That's the problem."

"TV isn't life," he replied.

"No happy endings."

"Yeah, but at the same time..." he smiled. "There are longer, more interesting stories. Each one worth telling, even if it's in two different ways."

"Goodbye!" Sam's father called.

"Don't leave the stove on again!" Pam shouted right after. Sam waved to them as they exited the house. The door latch snapped, leaving Sam and Freddie alone.

"When I was a little girl, all I wanted was for my mom to be happy," Sam whispered. "And now that she is, I feel like I'm just going to take that away from her again. I can't do anything."

Freddie raised his eyebrows. "You could stay. Keep the world the way it is. Try to make amends with Carly. Show her the kind person you know she is. It wouldn't be hard, and it would be better than the alternative for sure."

But Sam shook her head. "I can't stay here, Freddie. It's not an 'if' thing, it's when. This isn't the world that I know. Even if it turns out that this is the one that's real and the other is fake, it doesn't matter. That's the world I have to return to."

"The world that feels most like a dream is the one that fades," he nodded. "Naturally."

She turned to him, a half-somber smile on her face. "I wanna stay, though."

Freddie rested his cheek on his hand, looking back at her. "Yeah?"

"But I'd have to drop most of the classes I'm in. Up until about a year ago, I thought gravity was just a fancy term for gravy." They both shared a laugh together and leaned back on the banister. Something was tugging at Sam's heart. "Hey...Fredward..."

"Hm?"

"I um..." she froze, her words getting caught in her throat. "I know that I'm not technically your Sam, and you're not really my dork."

Freddie chuckled. "So you've said."

"But even if that's true, I still-" Sam swallowed. "I mean I don't know how long I'm going to stay here until either I go back or things go back to normal. And when that does happen..." she cleared her throat. "We're just gonna go back to walls." Her cheeks flushed as she fiddled with her fingers on the railing. "This opportunity might not come again. The house is empty, we have space and...and time...and...so..." She felt a knot twist in her stomach as she turned to him, standing up straight. "Would you have me? Even though I'm not...you know..."

Freddie stood, running his hand along the banister as he made his way towards Sam. "Hm," he said with a smirk. "I don't know how I feel about cheating on my girlfriend. She's really important to me, you know."

Sam cocked an eyebrow. "Something tells me she's not gonna find out."

He slipped his hand over hers. "I love her, though."

She shrugged. "I'm not the jealous type."

"Then I guess there's nothing to lose. I've always wanted to do something dangerous. But I gotta say...I'm a little nervous."

"You'll be fine. Just close your eyes and you can't even tell the difference," Sam teased.

"I can't tell the difference even when they're open," Freddie said in a hushed tone. Sam's joking demeanor began to melt away as his words seeped into her. She gazed at him, drinking them in for the first time. Freddie took her hand off the banister, leading her back down the hall. The house was quiet save for the sound of a door creaking open and finally snapping shut.

Sam awoke to the sounds of rain splattering on her window. Her eyes fluttered open to reveal the cracked ceiling above her. She turned to her side, half elated to see Freddie still lying there, fast asleep. The lights were off, the only source of illumination came from the crack from the door and the little light that reflected off the street lamps. Despite this, she could still see him, clear as day. His hair spread over the pillow, his mouth hanging slightly open. For once in his life, Freddie Benson appeared at peace.

She leaned over him, allowing her hair to waterfall over her shoulder. A clash of thunder was heard. It didn't startle Sam, it didn't wake Freddie. Sam lowered her lips down to his temple and kissed him gently. "See ya, Benson," she whispered in his ear. Freddie twitched his nose, but didn't awaken. Sam looked out the window, the rain was beating harder than ever. It was now or never.

She snatched her baseball bat from the corner where she usually kept it and pulled on a pair of jeans, boots, a t-shirt and a jacket. She opened the door, taking one last look at the boy. Before she could convince herself to change her mind, she was down the stairs and out the door.

There was no guarantee that the old television was still out there. It was a gamble at best. However, Sam knew that the longer she stayed, the more difficult it would be to go back. She stumbled through the woods, searching every corner and clearing for the set. Her search was unsuccessful until she reached a little shack a bit of a ways away from her house. There, lying in a pile of mud and leaves, was the TV.

"I knew it!" Sam shouted, not caring who was around to hear. "You did this to me! You brought me here!" She caressed the bat with her hand, preparing to swing. "And now you're gonna take me hom-"

"Sam!" A figure appeared from under the rain.

Sam rolled her eyes. "Great."

"Sam!" it shouted again, stumbling in the dark. Sure enough, it was Freddie trudging his way through the rain, soaking wet. "What are you doing out here?"

"I found it, Freddie," Sam said matter-of-factly. "I have to go back."

Sam lifted her bat over her head but Freddie ran between her and the sparking monitor. "Are you insane? That's a metal bat!"

"It's the one I used last time!"

"You said last time you got electrocuted!"

"I did! That's the point!"

Freddie's jaw dropped. "Sam! You can't just smack random things with metal bats in the middle of a lightning storm! You could get seriously hurt!"

"Or it'll zap us back into reality!" She pointed the bat towards the television. "Now move, Benson! Before I knock your brains out!"

"Gimmie the bat, Sam!" He yelled, reaching out and trying to grab it from her. Sam lifted it over her head and then behind her. "Give me the...Sam...Sam! Give me the bat! Come on just! Let...go..." Freddie said, moving over her to try and grab it.

"Okay! Okay fine!" Sam finally shouted, handing Freddie the metal stick.

Freddie walked away from her, holding the bat in his hand. The rain flattened his hair over his face. He spit out water that hammered down over his mouth as he spoke. "Are you out of your mind?"

"Well it wouldn't be the first time!" Sam spat back, her arms crossed.

"You really think this is going to set things back to the way they supposedly were? Really? How does that make any sense?"

"It doesn't have to!"

Freddie exhaled. "We are going back inside. Right now."

"Aw, come on!"

"I know that you're just trying to regain a sense of reality, but this isn't the way to do it!" Freddie snapped. "You get enough volts of electricity in you, you will die!"

"I won't die if this is just a dream!"

"You really think this is a dream? All of this? Really?"

"No but...I mean..." Sam looked around. "Ugh! That's not fair!"

"I wish you would stop being so impulsive!"

"I wish you would stop nagging every little thing I do!"

"What would you rather me do? Let you hurt yourself?" Freddie groaned. "I can't do that! You know I can't do that! Why do you insist on putting yourself in these situations!"

"I'm just trying to do the right thing for once!" Sam screamed over the rush of the rain. "I'm trying to be a better person! For you and for Carly and for everyone!"

"How is killing yourself going to make you a better person?" Freddie asked. Sam was quiet. "Ugh! I don't get you! Hurting yourself doesn't make up for hurting other people, Sam!" He raised his shoulders. "Don't you see that? Didn't anyone teach you that?"

"I can't change, Freddie! I'm too screwed up to fix!"

"Do you really believe that?" he called back to her. There was a long pause. "Because I'm sick of watching you punish yourself over things you can't control! Carly isn't your responsibility! Your mother isn't your responsibility either, Sam! Jeez!" He breathed heavily, wiping the hair from his eyes. "Change isn't about punishment! It's about redemption! Don't you think I would know that better than anybody?"

"How can you stand there and just expect me to forgive myself when you can't even forgive yourself about Carly!"

Freddie lifted the bat in rage. "This is not. about. Carly!" He slammed the bat down, crashing it into the television. A surge of electricity shot through his body. In seconds, he has on the ground.

Sam stood there, stunned. "Freddie." She ran to him, picking him up in her arms. "Hey...Fredward." She shook him. "Come on, this isn't funny! Benson!" She rested his head onto her lap. "...Freddie?" She bit her lip. "No...no come on! That's not fair! You can't do this to me. Not now!" Sam lifted him up further allowing his back to rest against her shoulder. Suddenly, his eyes squeezed shut as he let out a grunt. "Oh my god," Sam whispered in relief.

Freddie opened one eye and started to sit up. "I think you guys need to take that TV to the dump." Sam rolled her eyes and threw a pile of mud in his face. She stood to her feet and let down her hand for Freddie to grab hold of.

"Let's go back," she said bluntly. Freddie simply nodded and pulled himself up with Sam's support. The rain had quieted down now, leaving the two kids soaked to the bone.

Freddie lay on the couch, stretching his back up. Sam walked over and handed him a cup with tea in it. He grinned. "You're feeling hospitable."

Sam didn't look at him. "Yeah, well..."

He took the tea and sat up. "I'm sorry I got angry at you."

"I'm sorry I tried to electrocute myself and reset everything."

Freddie chuckled. "You know, I was thinking. What if you did hit the TV and it didn't take you back home, but some other dimension. Like everything is in a time loop and you'd have to get through all of these other dimensions before you could make it back to your timeline."

Sam glared at him. "I would shoot the first person I saw." She lifted an eyebrow. "Your memories haven't changed at all, have they?"

"No. I got nothin' but a massive headache and a tear in my jeans." He sipped his tea, but it was hot and burned his tongue. "Ah! Caliente!"

"I guess trying to go back by my own time wasn't the greatest idea."

"Not really, no." He smiled down into his tea, before looking back up at Sam. "I don't even remember what I was so angry about."

"Carly."

"That's new," he said, sarcastically. "Everything just seems to come back to her, doesn't it?"

Sam nodded. "Even here."

"Sounds like it's worse from where you are."

Sam shrugged. "Some of it. Some things are different."

"Like what?"

"I'm not supposed to talk about it," Sam teased. "But...your first kiss was pretty radically different."

"It was?"

"Uh huh." Sam scooted onto the couch as Freddie moved his legs to make room for her. "You wanna hear it?"

"Uh, does a proton cruiser have octagonal blast plates?" he asked, excitedly. Sam sent him an annoyed glare. "Please tell me your story," he said meekly.

"Okay so there was..." Sam smiled at the memory. "This girl. And she hated you so much that one day she put a dead fish in your locker. There was no real reason for it, I think she just wanted you to squirm. God you were so mad. You wanted to get back at her so badly so you handcuffed her to Gibby..."

"I what?" Freddie exclaimed, amused.

"Yeah."

"Aw. Poor Gibby."

"So this girl that hated your guts decided she was going to get you back. And she did. See, she knew...somehow...that you had never kissed a girl so she announced it online so that everyone knew about it. It worked, too. I don't think I've ever seen you so...down. You skipped school and stayed by yourself pretty much all week that week. So the girl started to feel bad. Really bad. She came back online and told everyone that she was wrong. And that she only said those things because she had never kissed anyone either."

"That was nice of her."

"Then later she apologized to you and...you decided to kiss. Just to prove that it wasn't a big deal and that the whole thing was really a lot of nonsense over nothing. You never talked about it again, never wanted to. But after that, you...and her...finally became friends."

He could feel his cheeks beginning to burn as he smiled. "Wow. That's actually really nice."

"So, not everything sucked back home."

"What about yours? What was your first kiss?"

Sam blushed. "Same as yours."

Freddie froze for a moment. "You kissed Carly?" Sam glared at him again, rolling her eyes until he finally made the connection. "Oh..." he laughed. "You put the dead fish in my locker."

"I do a lot of things."

Freddie shook his head. "You did all that and you still think you're a horrible human being?"

Sam grinned. "I'm working on it."

Freddie reached over to grab her hand, but some excess static shocked the two before they could make contact. They giggled, unable to keep a straight face. The jerk caused some of Freddie's tea to spill onto the blanket. "Aw man!"

Sam rolled her eyes and stood up. "I'll get a paper towel," she said, in mockingly complaining manor. She sauntered over to the kitchen and grabbed the entire roll. As she was walking back, her head started to feel light. She stopped in the archway, the world suddenly turning into a blur.

"F-Freddie..." she said breathlessly before collapsing onto the tile.

"Sam!" she heard him shout. "Sam!" The voice slowly began to leave her, distancing the closer he got.

"Freddie..."

"Sam!" the voice was higher pitched now. Sam looked up as a figure-like blob approached her. As the blob grew closer, Sam could see it more in focus. "Sam! Can you hear me?"

"...Carly?"