I'd just like to share with you all that last chapter was actually supposed to be the last chapter, I don't mean the chapter itself, I mean the number. Forty five chapters and I thought that was ridiculously long before I got off track. Ugh…How did I do this to myself and you? Totally gonna stay on track and focus this time (yea so hopefully I won't forget to include something like the runes like I did when leading up to saving the world). Now after saying that this is a lead in chapter, so not complaining about it being short (you know who you are :-D )

Chapter Forty Six

Permanent Fixtures

Max Voiceover (Top of Needle):

There's something that strikes me every time I come up here…It's how everything always looks exactly the same. This could have been one of my first days in Seattle, it could have been before my friends, before Logan, during Logan….

(shakes head)

God that was a thought provoking time...Being here with Logan, when I first came back, walking away from Logan forever, our first few days back in the real world….This view has remained a constant throughout.

A constant for the first time ever in my life.

I stayed long enough for it to be that. I never meant to. I'd expected to move on in a few months, definitely not stay more than a year. Somehow, I found myself oddly attached to this city and its inhabitants for the first time ever. This was something about it all, about being part of this weird extended family. Theo had taken me under his wing, Cindy showed me how to live for the first time, Kendra…Hmm don't really know what Kendra did. Maybe she just showed me how fun life could be. What it meant to have someone to talk to at 3am, even though I didn't do a lot of talking in those early days.

The view's still the same after all this time. I'm not though. Guess I'm grownup. That would be as good a word as any. It's funny though, considering I never got to be a child.

Mature.

Guess you have to be with a kid.

(Small smile emerges)

Damn, stupid smile across my face one of these days I'm gonna figure out how to deprogram that. Still that little boy…

He fell asleep in Logan's arms as we were watching reruns, then again what tv isn't reruns nowadays.

It's nice, this weird, domestic, grownup life. Playing on the floor with Cale as I tell Logan about the going ons at my job instead of hovering like I used to when filling him in on a case. Being warned that Cale just ate, so my raising him above me as I lay back on the floor isn't the smartest idea.

Eating dinner at five, instead of eight. Conversations not centering scandal, but instead trying to convince Cale the food on his plate is at good as the food on ours. Food always managing to somehow end up in my hair instead of in someone's mouth, Logan's soft chuckle as he picks it out for me.

Instead of lingering at the table, sitting on the floor and stimulating Cale's brain with all those stupid puzzle toys Logan buys for him. He's already a good six months ahead of his age group, why Logan pushes it further I don't know, that little boy of mine is going to surpass everyone soon enough.

Bath time instead of coffee on the couch. Instead of a game of chess or further work, there's tv with Cale resting in one of our arms, softly discussing the going ons in our life. Never Lanie or Jeff. There's a silent, unspoken vow to not do that to the other.

He does not need to hear it from my mouth that I kissed someone besides from him. That I kissed Jeff and it wasn't horrible. It wasn't him, but it wasn't how it was before. It wasn't doing something to fit in, not Darren, not Kyle, not any of the guys I was with even though I wasn't in heat, though most started out that way…It wasn't trying to be a normal girl. It was sweet, tender, hesitant as he leaned in. A soft kiss on what Original Cindy classified as our fifth date, though we haven't done anything more than hang out. Promises of not to push were made, "I like you Max" he said and I didn't want to gag like all the other times. No Logan doesn't need to know that.

He does not need to know as we tuck our son into bed as our eyes ended up lingering over each other that the lips that we are both focused on and missing have touched another's.

Things like that are how we keep our balance. Allowing our minds to focus on that too long will lead to jealousy and we can't handle that, everything is a balancing act. We can't be together so we need to be with others. Others to keep us apart, to not allow us to lean forward into that kiss when we so desperately desire it.

As our son is in my arms and I'm asking him how he got so messy, Logan brushing up against me to pick a pea out of my hair. The slight tremors of his arms brushing against mine for those few seconds before he steps back, the heat of his body as he still remains close, the hand that stays in my hair for seconds longer than it needs to. The focus of our eyes on each other, the love that's so clearly present each and every time. That smile that freezes along with our breath…

Our lives are a seesaw.

It's working though.

Everything seems to be working. This seesaw that is my life seems to be working, this weird, domestic, grownup life is on track. Of course, that's not to say that tomorrow White won't be at my door looking for some payback or the Chinese, rumor has it Seattle's been infiltrated with them, Manticore technology is still of very high value. All of that might happen and probably a dozen other things.

This view's still gonna be the same. It's become a permanent fixture of my life and it's not the only one.