Chapter 5 – Secrets and Lies
"Alec?"
Magnus could hear the shower running, but the bathroom door was locked. There was no response from within, and Magnus, not wishing to invade his boyfriend's privacy, retreated back into the bedroom and flopped down on the bed. After a few minutes the muffled sound of the shower stopped, and silence fell. Magnus sat humming and twiddling his thumbs for a further five minutes, becoming increasingly agitated, until eventually he could restrain himself no longer.
"Alec, I know you're in there," he tapped lightly on the bathroom door, beginning to feel genuinely worried now. "Look, if I hurt you in any way then I apologize. And if you want me to leave you alone then I will. But just…please say something, to let me know you're OK."
"I'm fine…I'm fine," Alec said at last in a voice so small Magnus had to strain to hear. "Just a little freaked out I guess."
"If I crossed a line back there, I am so sorry," Magnus said hurriedly. "I was so sure you were enjoying it, it never even occurred to me that it was making you uncomfortable."
"I was enjoying it," Alec admitted. "That's kinda what freaked me out, to be honest. It's not your fault. I know I could have stopped it at any time if I'd wanted to, but I sort of…didn't want it to stop."
"Well honey, there's no shame in that," Magnus couldn't help but chuckle a little. It was easy to forget sometimes just how innocent Alec was; that virtually everything the Shadowhunter knew about sex, he had learned from Magnus – the poor boy hadn't even had access to internet porn, for heaven's sakes!
"So you don't think I'm…you know, weird? Or some kind of pervert?" Alec sounded genuinely surprised.
"Sweetie, I knew you were weird the day you admitted you were terrified of umbrellas," Magnus said with a shrug. "And as for being a pervert – hell, I once dated a guy who could only cum when I tied him up, slapped him in the face with a dead fish and inserted animal crackers into his…"
"Magnus I do not want to be hearing this right now!"
"Sorry, sorry, just trying to lighten the mood. But what I'm trying to say is, everyone has their little kinks, and that's fine. And trust me, you're not even close to the pervert end of the spectrum. And even if you were, it wouldn't make me love you any less. If you wanted me to dress up like Ronald MacDonald and dance the macarena, I'd give it a whirl. Red always was my color."
"Shut up and kiss me, you idiot," Alec replied, finally emerging from the bathroom with damp, tousled hair and a towel wrapped round his waist. Magnus allowed Alec to seize him firmly and draw him into a long, lingering kiss. When he finally pulled away, the Shadowhunter had a far more intense expression on his face than Magnus had expected.
"I said some hurtful things to you," Alec said, his eyes downcast and his long dark lashes dipping until they almost brushed the crests of his cheekbones. "I didn't mean them. And I know you don't get it, how could you? But sometimes when I'm with you I feel like I'm invisible. It's like you shut me out, like you go somewhere else in your mind and I just can't reach you. And I know it's childish, but sometimes I just want you to look at me. I don't want you to slip away and disappear. So I say dumb things and I make you mad, and I think part of me does it on purpose because at least when we're angry with each other I feel like we're connecting somehow, you know? Like we're the only people who exist. The truth is, when I saw you standing beside Angelotti yesterday, I just couldn't help it, I started thinking how perfect, how right he looked there next to you. And I know you're not having an affair with him, I'm not that paranoid. I know you wouldn't do something like that. It's just that he's the kind of guy you should want, the kind of guy people would expect to see you with. I guess I just can't believe you chose me, when you could have had practically anyone you wanted, and I keep waiting for you to realize that. I know it's crazy but there it is, that's how I feel."
Magnus stood in silence for several seconds, taken aback by Alec's outburst. Though the Shadowhunter had often made little comments and hints along these lines before, he had never been so brutally honest, had never laid his fears and insecurities before Magnus so explicitly.
"Alexander, listen to me. If you cannot accept the fact that you are the most heavenly and incandescent creation ever to walk the earth, then fine, but at least give me some credit. If I wanted someone else I would be with someone else. But I want to be with you, and I always have. And that is not going to change. Yes, I might occasionally have other things going on in my life, but they will never be more important than you. Nothing will ever be more important than you. Do you understand?"
Alec nodded once, and glanced up at Magnus with shy, hesitant eyes.
"It's OK if you don't believe me," Magnus continued. "Maybe it's my fault. I know I've been neglecting you. But I'll do better, I promise I'll do better. Hey, I'll even let you spank me if that's what you want."
"No, I think I'll pass," Alec said, trying to fight the grin that was slowly spreading across his face.
"Ah, you really are a sub, aren't you?" Magnus giggled, while Alec's cheeks turned a light shade of pink.
As the pair of them got ready for bed, Magnus was glad to find that the atmosphere between them had lightened significantly, and Alec seemed much more calm and happy. They went to bed without speaking much, but there was no tension or resentment beneath the silence. Magnus felt warm and contented as Alec curled up against him and began to fall asleep. But there was still something scraping at the back of his mind, a niggling sense of unease he could not quite drown out with his relief. He tried to dismiss it, to turn away and not examine it too closely, but it kept nudging insistently at his thoughts until he was forced to admit it to himself. He felt guilty. It wasn't necessarily the emotion he was best-acquainted with. To feel true guilt, the kind that took root in your bones and growled in your stomach like an endless hunger, you had to truly care about another person. You had to care about someone else as much, if not more, than you cared about yourself. That was how he felt about Alec, and although he had loved many people in many different ways, he had never once come anywhere close to a love like this. Some loves were frail and fleeting, some dark and twisted, some blazed as hard and blinding as a supernova only to flicker into darkness without a moment's notice, others kindled slowly until they grew into a strong and steady flame. He had tasted them all, and in the end he had always found himself alone. If his many long years of life had taught him anything, it was that all things were transient, including love. In the days before Alec, he had been known to scoff and roll his eyes at people who talked about "soul mates" and "true love", as if such trite and sentimental words carried any meaning. But now he knew. He knew that most people went their entire lives without finding a love like this; but he also knew that if he wasn't careful, he would be in danger of losing it. He was keeping secrets from Alec, and although he told himself it was for the right reasons, the faint tendril of shame now squirming sickeningly inside him seemed to imply otherwise. He wanted to be mad at Angelotti – for the vampire was undeniably at the heart of the problem – but really, he didn't blame his old friend so much as he blamed himself.
Magnus glanced down at Alec, who was now sound asleep, his chest rising and falling gently beneath the covers. Magnus had fought so hard to gain Alec's trust, and things were still tenuous between them. If Alec learned that the warlock was still withholding information, he would be rightfully furious. He wouldn't understand that Magnus was trying to protect him, that sometimes the truth caused more harm than good. And Alec was so sensitive and insecure that Magnus sometimes felt that talking to him was like picking your way across a field strewn with hidden landmines. In any case, he had not lied to his boyfriend exactly, merely side-stepped certain truths. It was certainly true that he and Angelotti had never been lovers, but Magnus had neglected to mention the real reason his friendship with the vampire had deteriorated. The truth was, he had been hopelessly in love with Angelotti for several years back in the 1920's, but after finally confessing his feelings one drunken night, the vampire had frostily rejected him, and afterward, although they had agreed to remain friends, the pair had gradually retreated from one another until eventually their paths diverged altogether and they lost contact. Of course, this had all happened almost a century ago and Magnus no longer harbored any romantic feelings for his former companion. It had been years since he had even given the vampire more than a passing thought, although he still felt a certain affection and loyalty towards him, and still liked to think that even after all this time, the two of them remained friends. This was probably the reason he had consented to help Angelotti with his great problem, despite his own personal misgivings. For the vampire (despite his cold and nonchalant demeanor) had a certain sentimental streak. As a human, he'd had a wife and family he'd adored, and though they had perished many years ago, he had made a point of tracing his human ancestors throughout the ages and maintaining some manner of contact with them. But a problem had arisen with his last living descendant, a young man named Joseph. Under the guise of a kindly and well-to-do uncle, Angelotti had been funding the boy's college tuition for several years, visiting him occasionally, and granting him a hefty enough allowance to ensure that all his needs were met. But on his latest visit to Joseph's home, Angelotti had found his descendant missing without a trace, and in desperation he had tracked down Magnus for help – as it turned out, their recent reunion had been no chance encounter, and had been carefully planned and engineered by the vampire. Now, Angelotti had not been entirely forthcoming about the nature of Joseph's disappearance, but he appeared to have certain suspicions he was not sharing with Magnus. He had simply wanted the warlock to cast a tracing spell that would disclose the boy's location. Magnus had tried to prepare his friend for the possibility that Joseph was dead, but Angelotti had waved away his warnings, and sure enough, Magnus' spell had shown that the boy was alive and currently in Florida. While the vampire had disclosed almost nothing about Joseph's current circumstances, Magnus was able to glean that the boy was in some kind of trouble, and that it probably had something to do with Downworlders. Angelotti had been adamant that Magnus said nothing about the matter to anyone, particularly Alec – the mere presence of the Shadowhunter in his home had made him visibly uneasy. Magnus had agreed to divulge nothing, though in the end he had done it more for Alec's sake than Angelotti's. If there was something illegal or dangerous going on and the Clave caught wind of it, there was a minor chance Magnus' involvement would be investigated. He himself had done nothing against the law, and was not duty-bound to report things of this nature to the Shadowhunter authorities, but Alec was. Though he trusted Angelotti to deal with the matter as quickly and discreetly as possible, in the event that things turned serious, Magnus thought it best that Alec knew nothing about it. The warlock knew how harsh and reactionary the Clave could be (and how prejudiced some of them were against Alec in particular) but if the Shadowhunter truly knew nothing whatsoever about Angelotti's business, there was nothing his superiors could do to punish or blame him. If it really came down to it, Magnus wouldn't put it past the Clave to use the damn Mortal Sword on Alec, to dig up any dirt they could. He knew that keeping Alec in the dark might cause problems – that it would make the Shadowhunter suspicious and resentful – but that was the price he would have to pay to keep his boyfriend safe. No, on this subject at least, he was fairly sure that concealing the truth was the right thing to do. Not that that made him feel much better about it.
It was almost an hour before Magnus finally fell into a restless sleep, and he jumped awake several times during the night, only to find the world steeped in restful silence, and Alec sleeping peacefully at his side. He'd been awake for some time before Alec finally opened his sleepy blue eyes, and though the warlock was still a little troubled, he found it hard to worry as he felt his boyfriend's arms enclose him. Alec was on top of him now, shifting to perch on his elbows and gaze down into Magnus' eyes. Magnus could feel Alec's hardening cock digging into his hip, and he couldn't stop the smile from spreading across his face. Alec dipped his head down and trailed his lips along the warlock's jaw, kissing him softly. After a few seconds he drew away and eyed Magnus quizzically beneath his lashes.
"What is it?" Magnus asked, brushing a hand through Alec's tangled cloud of black hair.
"I want to try something…" he said, a faint flush beginning to blossom on the tops of his cheekbones.
"Is this about the Ronald MacDonald thing? Because I have to warn you, my red overalls are at the dry cleaners…"
"Shut up!" Alec gave Magnus a playful slap.
"All right my dear, so tell me, what do you want to try?"
"I want you to tie me up," Alec said quickly, not looking Magnus in the eye. "Just take control, I don't even care what you do. Just do it."
"Are you sure?" Magnus asked. The idea was certainly tempting, but the last thing he wanted was for Alec to become uncomfortable or freaked out again.
"Yeah, I'm sure," Alec's cheeks blushed darker, and his voice hitched a little as he spoke as though his throat was constricted. "I trust you. I want this."
"OK, just, promise me you'll let me know if you want me to stop," ignoring the little needle of guilt jabbing into his ribs when he heard those words, I trust you. He wondered fleetingly if he was even worthy of Alec's trust. "If you're not comfortable at any point, you need to say so. Promise me."
"I promise," Alec whispered.
Magnus did in fact own several pairs of handcuffs, but he thought it best to avoid that fact – he knew how sensitive Alec was about any reference to the warlock's previous relationships. So he gently pushed Alec down onto his back, opened one of the drawers beside the bed and took out a couple of ties, fixing each one of Alec's wrists to the bedpost. He didn't knot them hard enough to cause any pain, although the Shadowhunter would probably have had difficulty freeing himself without assistance. Alec was wearing only a pair of boxer shorts and an old frayed t-shirt with several holes in the front (one of the many items of clothing the Shadowhunter owned that Magnus often playfully complained about, but was secretly quite fond of). Magnus hiked the t-shirt up a little and ran his fingers across the hard muscles of Alec's abdomen, feeling his boyfriend's belly tremble at the touch. The Shadowhunter's eyes were squeezed shut, his breathing becoming quick and feverish. Magnus continued to draw his fingers back and forth over Alec's ribcage and stomach with tantalizing gentleness, savoring the little gasps bursting from his boyfriend's lips at regular intervals. Alec's erect cock was already straining against the fabric of his boxers, and Magnus let his hands wander downwards slowly, stroking through the thin cloth, then drawing his hand back to trail across Alec's shuddering stomach. After a while he let his fingers dip down to the waistband of Alec's boxers, tugging them down, and Alec let out a breathless groan as the fabric chafed his erection. Magnus lowered his head down to softly kiss Alec's penis, running his tongue over the tip and tasting the salty tang of pre-cum on his lips. Alec was writhing beneath him now, responding to Magnus' every touch, desperate for more. Finally giving in, Magnus wrapped his mouth around Alec's cock, contracting his lips gently and then letting his tongue run up and down the shaft. Alec let out a deep groan, and finally opened his eyes, gazing down at Magnus. The warlock drew Alec's cock deeper and deeper into his mouth until it hit the back of his throat, hollowing out his cheeks and sucking softly. He could see that his boyfriend was already close to orgasm, so he placed a firm hand on Alec's abdomen to stop his hips from thrusting too wildly. The Shadowhunter obeyed his implicit command and tried to restrain himself with a whimper, his eyes clamping shut once more and his wrists straining against their bonds. After a few moments of playful sucking, Magnus relinquished Alec's cock – much to the Shadowhunter's dismay – and proceeded to lick slowly up and down the shaft once again, the touch of his tongue feather-light and teasing. This continued for some time, while Alec moaned and twisted his body, his hips writhing in a vain attempt to increase the friction, until Magnus finally clamped both hands down upon his boyfriend's pelvis to pin him to the bed.
"Please, Magnus," Alec managed to heave out at last in a hoarse whisper.
"I'm in charge, remember?" Magnus purred, neglecting Alec's cock altogether for a time, and trailing a line of hot, wet kisses from the Shadowhunter's stomach to his bellybutton. A low growl erupted at the back of Alec's throat, but he didn't argue. After several more minutes of teasing, Magnus finally enveloped Alec's cock with his mouth again, pursing his lips and running them along the shaft. Alec came within seconds, letting out a strangled cry as his body shook and convulsed, and Magnus gulped down the seed that poured into his mouth. He stroked Alec with light fingers as the tremors and the gasps subsided. His own cock was fairly erect by now, but he estimated it would be some time before the Shadowhunter recovered enough to do anything about it. Alec's breaths were still being ripped from his throat in hoarse and grating gasps, and his eyes were half-closed from the intensity of his orgasm. Magnus quietly went to untie the bonds that held his boyfriend in place by the wrists, and was glad to see that they had only left faint marks on his skin – he wasn't sure how far Alec was wanting to take this BDSM stuff, but Magnus personally felt uncomfortable with anything that left lasting marks or bruises on his boyfriend.
Magnus flopped down languidly on the bed beside Alec, wrapping one arm around the Shadowhunter's waist and ruffling Alec's hair with his other hand. Alec smiled a little hazily and nuzzled his head into Magnus' shoulder. They lay that way for sometime, until the silence was disturbed by the shrill ringing of the phone. Magnus groaned.
"Just let it ring," Alec said, his hand slithering down Magnus' chest. "They'll leave a message if it's important." But after the phone went to voicemail the caller hung up, and proceeded to re-dial immediately. The phone rang out again. Magnus let out a withering sigh and extracted himself from Alec.
"That better not be who I think it is," Alec said, and Magnus reached doggedly for the phone.
"You're telling me," the warlock replied a little grumpily, pressing the receiver to his ear and answering the caller with a wordless grunt.
"Warlock Bane? This is Bianca," the woman's voice rapped insistently. "Master Angelotti requires your urgent assistance." Magnus felt his stomach drop, and he turned to his boyfriend with a weary, apologetic look on his face.
A/N - thank you all again for the feedback I have received. I promise you it is much appreciated.