The last of the snow melted away during the night and the world is even more depressing to look at now that everything is seemingly dead. Elsa wonders if the trees will grow their leaves back before the natural winter comes. How does it even work, never before had there been a sudden, extremely frosty winter in the middle of summer, how will no interlude in the form of autumn impact her kingdom? Will it remain such a sad picture to look at for years to come? That would be a gloomy sight.
She glances at Anna, who's lying head upside down on the couch in her study, her braids sprawled on the floor. She insisted on staying with her while Elsa will be working today, it has proven to be exceptionally distracting but truth be told, the queen doesn't mind. It's preferable actually, to have something to take her mind off things. She needs that, to not think about the damage she has caused. She's doing that enough already. She stretches her hands and is about to go back to writing when Anna's voice interrupts her.
"What's wrong?"
What isn't?
Elsa keeps quiet for a moment, thinking on the answer but is beat to it with another inquiry.
"You look tired, are you not sleeping well?"
She is tired, mentally, of thinking about what she did, she wants to put it behind her she she really doesn't know if that's such a good idea. Remembering one's own mistakes and learning from them is a good thing, or she was told. To always remember her errs, so that she never makes them again. And no, she is not sleeping well, she has nightmares, often. Always has had. Mostly involving Anna and herself hurting her, they often replay in her mind, bizarre thing they are, so she knows what will happen each time she dreams them, it's calming in a not really healthy way. But for the last couple of days, there has been a new one, returning each night to torment her anew.
Elsa takes pride in remembering her dreams, she can't control them as she would like to but they aren't so terrible any more when nothing new happens in them. Though she does wonder if she should perhaps try this the other way around and attempt never to recall any.
"I think I am, tired I mean. And I sleep as well as I always have." She doesn't expect her sister to drop the subject, nor would she really want her to.
"You should take some time off then, relax, live a little. You have much to catch up on, we have much to catch up on." That they do, their one sided conversations over the years weren't exactly a good way to understand the other. Elsa knew how Anna's day went, and vice versa (she herself only ever read, painted, wrote and took her lessons), that's it. They loved and to a degree knew each other (or rather of each other) but in some ways they were strangers. Sisters and not, at the same time.
"I don't think so, everywhere I look I see what I've done. I'm not exhausted, just tired." Anna huffs and changes her position to sit normally, then freezes, eyes far away, only to glance at her satchel after couple second. "Sis?" Says the queen.
"I'm sorry." The younger girl suddenly says. Now Elsa is worried.
"Huh? Whatever for?"
"It's my fault all this happened, I... shouldn't have pushed you back then, at the ball I mean. And you- well you were right. It wasn't love, it wasn't anything really. Just... He just... He didn't..." The younger girls' eyes water a bit when she says that, Elsa stands up and quickly moves to the side of her sister, setting herself down beside her. She feels itchy and nervous but she had much, much worse.
"Hush, it was me, not you" It was a fault of great many people, but not Anna's, never hers. "I should have controlled myself better, it's just-"
"I hurt you, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Tears now threaten to fall from Her eyes. Elsa just wants to wipe them away, embrace and comfort her. But she can't. She just can't force herself to do it and she hates herself for it, hates her weakness, her lack of control. Instead she inches a couple centimetres closer to Anna, air around her gets chilly but she doesn't radiate ice. Good, it's good, all is good.
"Listen, no, Anna, listen!" the princess looks up at her sister. "You said what you had to, what weighted on your heart, it was I who wronged you, all the years with me behind the closed doors. I shouldn't have been hiding. No, look at me. I know it's not all my fault but it was never yours. So don't beat yourself up over it alright? Alright? Promise."
"Okay, I promise." She smiles through her tears and she looks so beautiful, despite red eyes, puffy nose and tears trailing down her flushed, freckled cheeks, or maybe because of it all, so vulnerable and trusting. "But you have to promise too."
"What do you mean?"
"You said it yourself, everywhere you look you see signs of that, eee, little? Oh okay big mishap. It was an accident, you can't hold it against yourself. I mean sure, you did almost cause an eternal winter and ah, we will have to deal with a bit of trouble-" a bit? "-and this year will be rough and all that stuff but look at it this way, it could have been so much worse! Like- like uh, Hans and me could have actually married in spite of you if you hadn't- kind of seriously lost it and froze the kingdom like a, like a... Well, froze it. And he would have murdered you, he said that you know? Bastard. And no one would know! So yeah! I think it came out dandy! And we've met Kristoff and Olaf and Sven, and you don't hide your powers any more and we can be together like we used to be and we can have snow fights and Snowflake always wanted to meet you and-"
"Alright, alright! I believe you , I will stop I promise." She intends to try in any case. Her sister is right, she did skip a couple of important points but overall? It could have ended much worse. Anna could have been dead, Elsa herself too, Hans as a ruler of Arendelle? Just no. And her sister is right, she no longer hides and they can be together, she gained some amount of control over her powers. And they will get through the hard times ahead, somehow.
It seems that spilling your heart's content to someone else does help to put one's mind at ease. Huh, she mostly thought it rubbish when she read about it. Maybe...
"I sleep as I usually do. I usually have nightmares. Always, actually."
"Oh Elsa..."
"They don't bother me honestly, I just sleep a bit longer to rest, but lately, there is a new one, because they repeat over and over again. So I'm used to them by now. And this new one is... about you. When you were cursed into that... ice statue. And you don't change back. And I call you, cry, beg mostly but nothing happens, you just... stand there, forever. And- a-and everyone freezes to death too. It's just me, alone, with a statue of you." Elsa's chest constricts painfully.
"But I'm here, see? The curse is gone and everything will be alright. There is no need to worry. You won't hurt me, I know it." Anna shifts a bit, she evidently wants to hug her sister but also knows of the distress it would cause her.
"But what if I-"
"No buts, I love you, and you love me. Remember, you can't hurt me if you tried, because you don't want to." Except for if it were to be an accident, Elsa thinks despondently.
And yet she makes it sound so easy. Her sister trusts her way more than she dares to trust herself. Elsa stands up and moves to her desk to pick up her gloves. Then sits back beside her sister, a bit further away for she is not sure if she could do what she has in mind were they to sit but centimetres apart. Anna keeps looking at her in confusion.
"Do you- would you want to... hold hands?" Anna looks as if stricken but immediately perks up and joyfully squeals in excitement.
"Yes! Yes I'd love to! You don't ever have to ask!"
Elsa enquired mostly for herself but she intends to keep it close to her chest. She puts on her gloves and timidly speaks up.
"I'm sorry it's like that but-" She feels safer with them on.
"No! No it's fine, it's great!" She puts her hand down on the sofa and gives her an expectant look.
Elsa obliges and slowly, lightly, puts her fingers atop of Anna's hand. Her heart is beating madly and she is not sure if it's of excitement or fear. Both, most likely. Her mouth goes dry and she feels her fingers itch. Her breath is uneven and honestly, she wants to bolt away.
But she wishes to show her sister that she loves her even more.
It's not nice. It's not even halfway neutral, she feels terrified and like she is slowly loosing herself but she won't have it. Get over yourself! It's Anna, you love her, focus on it, love, just love. She suddenly feels a shift under her hand and realises that her vision has gone dark for a moment. She's shaking and panting. And she's not holding her sister's hand any longer, she notices. The younger girl has pulled it away.
Anna is smiling sadly. Elsa sniffs.
"I'm sorry." She whispers.
"It's alright, I love you."
...This is what happens when I try to write something heartwarming.
Revised on 11.04.2015