A/N- Only one more chapter after this! Sorry this is out towards the end of the week, school started and that combined with my internship did nothing for my spare time! I hope you enjoy this! I hope you'll let me know your thoughts!
-I don't own anything from Glee!
The doorbell had Kurt running to answering it. Dana, Blaine's hospice nurse, was standing on the other side of the door. Kurt moved to the side to let her in from the frigid outside.
"Hi Kurt, how's it going?" She smiled and every time Kurt saw her he wondered what made her get into hospice work.
Dana was technically a student, still in grad school, and she still had an energy that showed her excitement and longing to discover everything the world had to offer. Often Kurt felt jealous, he was only starting to near his thirties, but with Blaine's illness and diagnosis...well most of the excitement was gone. And if there was anything the world had to offer he would gladly trade it for a few more years with his husband.
"Everything's fine... Well the same really." His smile was forced.
Her face was sympathetic but not in the way that everyone else's was when they looked at Kurt. She was sorry he was losing his husband but she didn't pity him or Blaine. Working in end of life care taught her that.
"Any plans for Thanksgiving next week?" She asked as they made their way towards Kurt and Blaine's bedroom.
Kurt looked to her slightly but kept walking, "Um... Not much. I think it's just going to be the four of us here."
She nodded. They walked through the bedroom and when her eyes landed on Blaine, they softened immediately. Blaine was only her third patient, but he was by far her favorite (which she was not supposed to have). It was hard not to like him, though; Blaine, even though he was dying, was sweet and kind, and so in love with his husband. She loved Kurt too, he was so dedicated to Blaine and his care, and she knew it wasn't easy to watch your loved one get weaker and slowly have to help them with everything.
"Hey Blaine!" She said brightly, "How ya doing today?"
Blaine began to try and sit up, and Kurt rushed to his side, helping him up and propping pillows behind him so that he could sit comfortably, "I'm good…a little tired." His speaking was interrupted by the pauses he had to take to catch his breath, a result of the tumors in his lungs and the reason he had an oxygen mask for when it became too hard.
"Well that's definitely normal." She said as she began checking the central line leading into the left side of his neck, the place where Kurt could easily inject pain medicine without having to poke him over and over again. "How is the port? Any pain?"
"No, I don't…even really…notice it…usually."
"That's good, that's what we want." She sat on the edge of the bed, "How is everything going? Any problems?" She looked to both Kurt and Blaine.
"Oh!" Kurt sat next to Blaine and took his hand, Dana watched as he began rubbing his thumb back and forth, almost without thought, and it made her smile, "Can you talk to him about taking the pain meds when he needs them? He keeps waiting until the pain is terrible and I can see he's in pain, so I told him I was going to tell on him." He said this last statement looking at Blaine and smiling, scrunching up his nose in a teasing way.
Blaine just stuck his tongue out at him.
"Blaine, why are you not taking the medicine when you need them?" She watched his face fall and a sigh leave his mouth.
"I don't…know," He looked up at her with tired eyes, "I feel like…it's me…losing."
She looked at him confused, "Losing?"
"Against…the cancer."
"Ok, I can understand that, but at the same time, the more pain you're in, the less you can enjoy what's going on around you, right?"
"I guess."
"So isn't that kind of like the opposite of what you're going for?"
He smiled a little and Kurt nudged him with his shoulder as if he had also told him this before.
"Are you in pain now?" She asked seriously.
"I'm always…in pain."
And she knew it was true. She knew by the way his voice wavered, by the way Kurt's hand squeezed his a little tighter and his eyes grew a little watered.
"Well, lucky I'm here then," she leaned down and grabbed her bag, pulling out some supplies, "I've got the good stuff. Do you want something a little stronger?"
Blaine laughed a little but nodded.
"Ok," she began to measure out the medicine and then injected it into the port taped to his shoulder; "This doesn't make you weak, Blaine."
"Yea…yea." He still smiled, but she knew he didn't believe it.
"Have there been any other concerns?" She asked as she was discarding the needle into a plastic box in her bag.
"Just, Blaine hasn't been hungry and even getting him to drink anything is difficult."
She looked at Blaine.
"I don't feel…hungry or…thirsty." He explained with a shrug.
She nodded, "That's completely normal as well as being overall more tired. Because your body is slowly shutting down, it will need less nutrients than it did before and you will continue to feel tired and sluggish. It's not something that you should be alarmed with." She looked at Kurt as she finished and saw tears in his eyes, but he was already getting up to leave the room.
"I have to…I'm going to go…I'll be back." He sniffed and quickly left the room.
Blaine stared after him sadly, "He's having…a hard time…with this."
"I'd imagine it would be difficult, have you guys talked about what you dying means?"
He looked back to her and shook his head, "He won't."
She looked confused, "He won't talk about it?"
He just shook his head and she knew it was because talking took a lot out of him.
"Well how are you dealing with that?"
He shrugged, "I don't…want to hurt…him."
"I think he's already hurting. You should tell him you want to talk about it; it would be good for both of you. You need to plan for the inevitable so that you're both comfortable, and from all I've learned; the spouse that's left does much better if he can come to an acceptance about the death before the actual death."
"I know…I will."
She nodded and they spoke for a few more minutes before the pain medicine began working and Blaine drifted off to sleep. Dana quietly packed up her things and walked out of the room, shutting the lights and closing the door.
Dana found Kurt at the kitchen table, his hands around a mug of tea and his eyes staring out the back door window into the backyard. She took a seat next to him, "Are you ok?"
He looked at her for a moment before answering, "I just don't know how I'm supposed to do this."
"Do what?"
He shook his head, "Watch him die…let him die."
"It's not going to be easy, but I think you just have to talk to him about it. You need be honest with him and let him be honest with you. I think you're both trying to protect each other from having to think about it, but Kurt, Blaine is dying. You both know that and not talking about it is not going to help either of you."
"I know." He nodded but his eyes filled up with tears and he wiped one that fell down his cheek, "I know I'm being selfish here."
Dana grabbed one of his hands and squeezed, "You've been anything but selfish. There is no perfect way to do this, you learn as you go and it's going to be hard, ok? But you will both be better prepared for the end and for saying goodbye if you can talk about it openly."
He nodded again, but as a few more tears slipped from his eyes, Dana knew they were done with the conversation and instead she pulled him in for a hug. This was why she chose end of life care…because these were the forgotten people. So much care was given to the people who were healthy and alive, but there was such a deficit in people who were willing to work with the dying and those who would be left behind. These conversations weren't easy, it wasn't comfortable to talk about death so openly, but for so many people there was no other choice.
Kurt stopped crying after a while and once it was clear that he was as okay as he could possibly be, Dana had left with the promise to be back the next week. Kurt peaked into their bedroom, the light coming through the blinds allowing him to see Blaine sleeping, a light wheezing coming from his breaths, even through the oxygen mask he wore. Kurt slipped into the room quietly and toed off his shoes and lay down next to him.
He lay on his side and gently took one of Blaine's hands. As Kurt stared at his husband, his heart hurt knowing that the the days were numbered that he would be able to see him. To see the slight curve of his nose, the rise and fall of his chest with each breath, the way his eyelids fluttered as he dreamt. Kurt had been doing this, watching Blaine sleep, often lately. He knew that though the doctor had given Blaine the possibility of spring, that he would not be alive past this winter. It hurt to admit this to himself but he could see the decline in his health, knew that it wouldn't be very long until Blaine would have more difficulties being awake.
When he felt his throat closing with panic and sadness, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly and tried to focus on the fact that Blaine was still here, was still breathing, still aware. He lifted up Blaine's hand and kissed it gently, the movement causing him to stir.
"Kurt?" He mumbled and blinked tiredly.
"I'm sorry, honey. Go back to sleep." He whispered and Blaine moved towards him, cuddling up to him before his breathing evened out again. Kurt ran his hand up and down Blaine's back to sooth him and closed his eyes, allowing the warm weight of Blaine against him and his wheezing breaths to lull him to sleep.
It wasn't until the next week, on Thanksgiving, that Kurt and Blaine finally talked.
Kurt had been helping Carole cook, knowing that his father would be able to help Blaine if he needed anything. He did have to stop when his father came to let him know that Blaine needed help because he had needed help going to the bathroom.
Generally Kurt was there to help with the bathroom matter (with every matter), however he remembered a few weeks ago when he had to take care of some insurance problem and Burt needed to help Blaine. Burt tried to reassure his son-in-law, but it was obvious that Blaine was still mortified to have had to have any help in that matter. That night he had cried to Kurt about the lose of his dignity, he had told Kurt that he wished he could just die because he was so humiliated in how much help he needed for everything. How he didn't want to have to rely on his husband for the bathroom, bathing, even moving. That was the only time Kurt had really seen Blaine in distress about his terminal diagnosis. That had also been the only time Kurt and Blaine really talked about Blaine's impending death. Since then, Kurt has been trying to ignore the reality and Blaine has been allowing him to do so.
After he helped Blaine back into bed, though, Kurt knew it was going to be up to him to start the conversation. He quickly went back to the kitchen to make sure that Carole wouldn't need him for a while and let his father know that he was off "Blaine duty" for a while (Though Burt never looked at it that way).
Like the week before, he slipped into bed next to Blaine and lay on his side. The difference was that Blaine was without the oxygen mask and was lying on his side as well, looking at him expectantly.
Kurt reached for Blaine's hand, "So I was thinking maybe it was time to talk."
"About?" Though he was once one for long speeches and grand gestures, Blaine's inability to breathe properly now left him often substituting a word in the place of full sentences.
"I haven't been fair in trying to ignore the reality of the situation that we now face. I think I thought that I was protecting you, but instead I…well…"
"Left me…alone in it."
Kurt winced but Blaine just smiled gently and squeezed his hand, "It's…okay. You…needed time to…process."
"I think maybe your right. And I think that I was hoping it wasn't going to happen."
"But it…is."
"Yes, it is…you're dying." A tear fell from Kurt's eye and Blaine just wiped it away.
"I am."
"Soon?"
"I don't…know." He shrugged a little, "Maybe."
"Are you scared?"
"I'm exceed…exceedingly…unnerved."
Kurt smiled and rolled his eyes, "You're an idiot."
"What does…that…say about you? …You married…an idiot."
"Yes well what can I say, you won me with your charming school boy looks." He leaned forward and kissed Blaine, "I love you."
"I love…you."
"And from now on you can always talk to me, ok? I'm sorry it took me a bit of time."
"Can I ask…you something?" Blaine looked serious.
"Of course."
"Do you...still believe that…there's nothing?"
"Nothing?" Kurt wondered.
"After."
Kurt's heart sank. He didn't know how to answer this, one the one hand he could make Blaine feel better, but on the other hand, Blaine would know he was lying anyway and they just didn't do that to each other.
He chose to be honest, "I don't know. I desperately want to believe that there's something. I want to believe that I will see you again because I love you too much not to. My head is telling me there's nothing, but my heart says you're stuck with me forever."
Blaine gave a half smile, "I wouldn't...mind that."
Kurt squeezed his hand, "Well and maybe it's like what you said when you proposed. That we have met up in each lifetime and have fallen in love. I think that maybe that's what I would like to believe. That even if we're not Kurt and Blaine in the next life, that we will still be two people who can't help but being together."
Blaine closed his eyes and sniffed a little before a few tears suddenly escaped from his tight closed eyes, "I really…hope...so."
He began to cry and Kurt moved closer, pulling him in, "Shh…it's ok, no matter what everything is going to be ok and I'm going to be with you the whole time, ok?"
Blaine only nodded; crying took enough of his breath without trying to add talking to it.
"I love you so much." He felt Blaine tighten his hold while nodding, and he did the same, placing a kiss on his head that had whispers of hair now that he was no longer on any form of treatment. "It's ok…it's going to be ok."