Happy Friday, all. I'm literally holding my breath and hoping you'll like the direction I'm taking this story in. I'm afraid you won't. Also, I'm afraid you'll be disappointed by the length, because this is literally a third of the length of the last chapter. But we're going for it anyway. Plus I have almost all the chapters written out ahead of time anyway, so I'll be able to update with increasing frequency. That's got to count for something, right?
The chapter title comes from "Fix You" by Coldplay but I'm sure you already knew that. There's an old saying on Tumblr- if "Fix You" can't apply to your OTP, it's not an OTP. I like to believe that's true. :D
when the tears come streaming down your face
The rest of the month of January is pretty uneventful; everything pretty much pales in comparison to bringing new life into the world. Toby and Spencer receive seemingly endless gifts and visits from their friends and family, to the point where they're almost worried Grace will suffocate from all the love. It takes two weeks following her birth for Toby's father and stepmother to make the trip to New York City and meet their granddaughter. They bring Jenna, too, and without being able to see the infant, she still treats her niece better and with a more welcoming demeanor than her own parents. Frustration builds within Spencer, but Toby silently tells her to let it go. They had made the trip, after all; he couldn't have everything.
February is bitter cold, with temperatures dropping well below zero and putting all of Toby's work on hold. He doesn't mind, though; it just means he gets to spend more time at home falling in love with his daughter. While Spencer attends class and work during the day, Toby remains in the warm confines of their apartment, doing mindless housework, drawing up construction plans and attending to his daughter's every need. Somehow, he manages to get everything done within a timely fashion and, on most nights, has dinner ready and waiting for Spencer by the time she returns home. She tells him it's a life she could certainly get used to and it's something both of them miss by the time March rolls around and the city begins to thaw.
Plenty of things happen back at home in March. Hanna, too, gives birth to a beautiful and blonde little girl she and Caleb name McKenzie, and Grace's first visit to Rosewood occurs that very weekend so Toby and Spencer can introduce her to her first playmate. Ezra and Aria break up for good this time and although the girls try to be as supportive as possible, everyone's pretty relieved, to say the least. They're shocked, however, when just a week later, Aria rebounds with Jason DiLaurentis. Spencer has to wonder if there had always been more under the surface between them and if Aria had broken up with Ezra for more than the fact that he was mildly insane. But Emily's news is what really takes the cake- she and Paige come back from vacation not only married, but with the announcement that they're planning to adopt. It's a whirlwind for all parties involved and Spencer's honestly glad she's so far away, because the distance allows her space to process it all.
By April, Spencer's first year of her doctorate program is winding down and thus, she's growing far busier as she struggles to keep up with her rapidly approaching deadlines. The spring weather has apparently also set off a massive wave of carpentry needs, because she barely sees Toby anymore. He's home when she's not and vice versa; the last exchange they'd had was three days ago when she'd passed him the baby and left the apartment. It's a huge strain and she cannot wait until she's finished and the two can try and rebuild what's been damaged. But until her exams are finished and all her observations are turned in and she's run the draft of her dissertation by her advisor, that won't be happening any time soon.
And of course, Grace's colic is not helping the situation.
"Pro and anti-social behavior in a group setting," Spencer reads aloud, trying to balance her textbook in one arm and a screaming Grace in the other. "Is often influenced by…"
It's pretty much useless; she can't focus on anything but the agonizing cries emanating from her daughter. Grace has been like this for a good few weeks, now; nothing Spencer and Toby had tried could calm her incessant crying. Their pediatrician had told them that, unfortunately, colic seized some infants and it's perfectly normal, even if it is heartbreaking to listen to. She gave the new parents a pamphlet with information and suggestions on how to calm her. So far, none of them have worked. Spencer uncaps her pen and scribbles something in the margins of the textbook, sticking a post-it on the page to remember to cite it later. How she's getting anything done is beyond her comprehension; Grace certainly isn't making it easy.
"Associative regression… that's not the same thing as… wait, where's my-" Eventually, she throws in the towel. "Forget it. I can't do this right now."
Abandoning ship, Spencer tosses her work aside and stands, bouncing the baby a little in her arms. "Okay, Gracie, okay. You're alright, you're alright."
It's heart wrenching to watch her daughter's face screwed up in anguish, tears of exhaustion pouring from her eyes. But mostly, Spencer just finds it frustrating, because there is literally nothing she can do about it. She places her in the baby swing and attempts to get her to calm down that way, but that only makes the baby angrier. Walking around the apartment, singing songs, reading books- nothing helps. Physically and mentally exhausted, Spencer places her daughter gently on the couch and begins to swaddle her in tight to restrain her flailing limbs. Once she's satisfied with this, she begins alternately swinging Grace back and forth and bouncing her up and down.
"Shh, it's okay. You're okay," Spencer hums lowly. "Come on, now, Grace. You're all right. Shh…"
She does this standing until she cannot anymore, because Grace's efforts have fully exhausted her. Eventually, she sinks into the couch, not halting her ministrations and still holding on tightly to her daughter. Maybe all the crying has made her delirious, but she thinks, eventually, that Grace begins to calm down. Whatever she's doing now, half-asleep on the couch, has actually begun to soothe the fussy infant. She's not delirious and she's not dreaming; when Spencer cracks an eye open to glance at her daughter, the tears have stopped, the redness is beginning to fade from her face and her eyelids are growing impossibly heavy. In seconds, mother and daughter are fast asleep.
That is, until Toby comes home and lets the front door shut not so carefully behind him.
With a jolt, both Spencer and Grace are awake, the latter bursting into a fresh set of hysterical sobs and Spencer growing red with anger. "Toby… what did you do?"
"I'm sorry," He's immediately panicking. "I'm sorry! They must have the windows open across the hall! The cross-breeze and the door-"
"Toby it took me all afternoon," Spencer argues. "All afternoon to get her to calm down! She's been crying like this for weeks- weeks! – and I finally got her to stop. I finally-"
"I'm sorry," He tells her sincerely. "It's my fault. Let me fix it."
Spencer looks near tears herself and shuffles the baby into his arms. "I can't do it. I can't."
"I know," Toby says understandingly. "Let me."
He folds the blanket around his daughter a little tighter as Spencer, completely worn, sinks back into the couch. "You get some work done. Grace and I are going for a walk."
She nods miserably and Toby snatches his keys from the table he'd just thrown them on. "Ready to go, monkey? Let's give mommy a break, yeah?"
He heads down to the parking garage and finds his truck still warm from when he'd used it just moments ago. Strapping Grace into her car seat, he decides what she really needs is just a good, relaxing ride, despite the fact that driving in New York City is dangerous, stressful and not in the least bit fun. He's willing to do it, though, if it means guaranteeing his daughter some peace. Toby drives around the city, through Times Square, by Central Park and from one end of Manhattan to the other. It takes a while, but along the way, Grace quiets down, her bright blue eyes searching her new surroundings and trying to keep up before giving in. Sensory overload and the blur of activity outside lull her to sleep.
It's late by the time Toby arrives home and very, very carefully extricates his daughter from her car seat. He takes extra care to open and shut the front door as though it were made of glass. Grace's eyes are firmly closed, sealed in the remnants of her final tears, and she's sucking her thumb noiselessly just as their doctor had pointed out all those months ago. Toby would love to share his latest victory with his wife, but he stops short at the sight of her passed out among a cluttered mess of her notes, books and writing utensils. After he's gently placed Grace in her crib, he comes back into the living room and emits a small laugh. Ironically, fast asleep in the world of behavioral psychology, this is the most at peace he'd seen her in weeks.
He slips his arms around her shoulders and beneath her knees and carries her to bed, too.