You Had One Job, Fíli

by Lasgalendil

His brother's keeper? Yeah, right! Caught in a custody battle over Ori and labeled by Dori as "the worst older brother in Arda", Nori recounts for the court all the times Fíli was *actually* the worst big brother in The Hobbit franchise.

5. A Long-Expected Epilogue

You Had One Job, Fíli

I, Dáin II Ironfoot, son of Náin, son of Grór, son of Dáin I, Heir of Dúrin the Deathless and King Under the Mountain, Lord of the Iron Hills, Slayer of Azog, Hero of Azanulbizar (titles, titles, etc.) do hereby declare the Dwarf Nori to be an unspeakable cad with an insufferable sense of humor. I therefore, by the power invested in me by usurping the throne from my third cousin Dís, do declare him this day to my War Council, as to better offer insult to my enemies.

Signed in the presence of the necessary witnesses this day the 17th of April, TA 2942,

Dáin II Ironfoot, son of…you know how it goes.

PS: Don't go to Moria.

PPSS: No, really.