Fifty shades of agony
When I woke, I instantly felt something was off. I scrambled thoughts around in my head, searching for some sort of hidden answer. Then it hit me.
I sat up and gasped, my eyes taking longer than usual to adjust to the familiar look of Christian Grey's bedroom. It was dark outside, the room hidden in shadows.
Shadows.
I reeled as memories filled my head.
I felt bile rise in my throat, launching myself towards the bathroom door. I made it just in time, letting myself go over the edge of the toilet seat. Some part of my brain wasn't quite awake yet. I felt a familiar hand take a hold of my hair, holding it away from my face. Christian's arms wrapped tenderly around me, his warmth an instant comfort. When I finished, I instantly flushed my horrors away, my face beginning to burn at the thought of what Christian had just seen me do. He wordlessly passed me a glass of water and mouth-wash, and I used both gratefully. He then picked me up and took me back to bed. He placed me down on my back and came to lie beside me, stroking my hair with extreme tenderness. Neither of us knew what to say. For once, I couldn't feel any sort of emotions surging from Christian. The air was...numb. I sighed, not knowing if it was him or me that was causing this lack of atmosphere. I felt His hand stop as I sighed.
" Ana..." He whispered. I could now feel his strong urge to hold me, but he held himself back. He seemed scared of me, or perhaps scared of my reaction. I slowly turned over to face him and nuzzled myself into his arms. They instantly wrapped around me, and a relieved sigh leaving Christian's soft lips. He began to kiss my face, travelling from my forehead to my cheeks and nose.
" Please don't blame yourself." A velvet voice spoke. It was me, but I didn't recognise it. I sounded like a small, shy child. Then I understood why Christian was reacting in such a strange way, besides the obvious. My chest tightened. I reminded himself of his past.
" Christian?" I asked, my voice sounding a bit stronger. I attempted to sit up to look at him, but his grasp around me tightened. There was a brief silence, and then he spoke.
" That.." Christian struggled to think of a word, for the first time since I'd known him.
" He's gone. That absolute-" Many swear words began to flow from his lips, his anger spitting fire in every little letter. I gazed up, his eyes ablaze. I felt cold looking at them. After his tantrum ended, he gazed down at me wearily. I managed a small smile, realising how happy I was to be in his arms again.
" I prayed for the first time in a long while..." I told him, relaxing into his warmth. He paused, unsure of how I was feeling.
" I prayed that you'd be okay without me. That you know how much I loved you." I whispered, the words strangling my heart. I felt him tense.
" I'd never be okay without you Ana. Not now, not ever." His words were adamant, and I felt an urge of happiness fill my body. A small part of my mind wondered how I ended up in this bed, wearing one of Christian's shirts. But I knew Christian had done this; like he'd let anyone else undress me.
" Why did you think you wouldn't see me again?" Christian's gentle voice spoke. I could tell he was trying not to push me. I begrudgingly thought back to the scene, curling up to Christian as I did so.
" I felt dirty. Too dirty to come back to you. Used..." My voice trailed off as Christian gasped quietly beside me. Suddenly, his arms pulled me on top of him, so I was laying on his chest. It was extremely warm, but I loved it after feeling so cold from the alley.
" Anastasia Rose Steele, I would never ever reject you. You will always be my beautiful Ana." He spoke in all seriousness and sincerity. I smiled for what felt like a first in a very long time. I prompt myself up on my elbows and looked at his perfectly sculptured face.
" As I recall, you like me dirty" I spoke, expecting Christian to light-heartedly to flirt back. Instead his eyes narrowed and I realised he was not in the mood. I placed my head back down, drifting ever so slightly away. It was silent for a while and I wasn't totally sure if I was still conscious or not. Then Christian's voice came from somewhere in our dark surroundings.
" God, Ana, I love you. I need you to know that, okay?" His voice strained of importance and I gently kissed his chest. I felt him tense slightly, but allowed me to continue for a while.
" Sleep." Christian spoke smoothly, pulling my head towards his chest. Before I could negotiate, I was already asleep.