This chapter contains scenes of extreme self-harm. You have been warned.
The owner of Quality Quidditch Supplies wrapped the Vortex in brown paper, then with a tap of his wand had it encased in a box. Mira and Draco thanked the man, who bowed them from his shop. Draco took the heavy package from Mira's arms as the two made their way down the crowded cobblestone street back towards the Leaky Cauldron.
"How do you fancy an ice cream, love?" Draco said, turning around and grinning like Mira hadn't seen him do since last year.
"Love one." She said, smiling in return.
They turned to a small, outdoor vendor, a wizard in a tall hat standing at a cart. Mira took the broom from Draco, and went in search of an empty table. Settling on a white plastic table complete with umbrella and matching plastic chairs, Mira set down the package and turned her attention towards Draco. He had been so distant, so cold, at first, when their parents had introduced them three years ago. Mira remembered the day as if it were this morning…
*Flashback*
"Straighten your skirt, dear, it's important you appear professional!" Mira's mother, Natasha, said, smiling goofily at her daughter. Mira laughed at the expression on her mother's face, then complied, straightening her favorite navy blue skirt.
"Now, their son's name is--" Mira's dad, Foster, began, but Mira interrupted him.
"Draco. I know dad, stop stressing! It's going to be okay."
Foster glanced at his wife, who nodded and smiled. "It will be fine. After all, Lucius and Narcissa have asked that Mira tutor Draco, so they are already indebted to us." Foster nodded at his wife's words, and the three of them trooped up the Malfoy's brick driveway to the front door.
"Whoa." Mira said, when they reached the door. It was at least three times the size of normal doors, with a huge silver knocker in the shape of a snake.
"Be sure and say nothing of the Dark Lord, Mira. If the Malfoy's were to find out that you know something he did not entrust them to know, they would be furious. They are the kind of people who remember every remark said to them, every snub aimed in their direction, and the day may come when we need them."
Mira nodded, though she didn't understand why in the world her family would ever need the Malfoy's. Their lives were safe, perfect. Foster took his wand from his pocket and lifted it to the wooden surface of the door. Tracing what looked to be words with the tip, he looked back at his daughter. Mira was staring at her father in a way that suggested he was touched in the head.
Foster laughed. "Dear, it's how us…selected followers, if you know what I mean, know it is one of our brothers or sisters."
Mira looked from her dad's face to the door, which had swung open.
"Foster! Natasha, come!" A voice called from within the darkened house.
"Lucius my old friend, still slipping in the shadows, I see!" Foster called, leading his wife and daughter in the Malfoy's house.
"Of course." A man had appeared, dressed in black robes and carrying a walking stick with a silver serpent head. He bowed to Foster, kissed Natasha's hand, and bowed to Mira. "Ah, the junior Natasha. Just as pretty as your mother." Lucius said to her.
"Thank you. How do you do, Mr. Malfoy?" Mira recited, just as her mother and father had told her to do.
"Quite well. Draco is in the den, waiting for you. My wife will meet you shortly." Lucius nodded to an open door to the left of them.
Mira nodded, thanked Lucius again, and headed towards the open door. "Hello, I'm-" Mira began, as she walked in the door, but stopped abruptly, her eyes widening at the scene before her.
Draco Malfoy was seated in a wooden chair, wearing nothing but a pair of green silk boxers. He looked up at her, lifted an eyebrow as golden as his hair, and smirked. "So you're the sorry soul they've roped in to tutoring me?" He said, by way of greeting.
Mira nodded, struggling to breathe.
"Well come in then, and shut the door. I don't want them listening." Mira did as he asked, an took a seat across from him.
A wooden table that matched the chairs of the den separated them, and Mira couldn't help but notice the defined line of Draco's pectorals, the shape of his smooth, toned stomach, and the not-so-subtle bulge of his biceps.
"You're not too bad yourself," Draco said, staring her in the eye, his trademark smirk creeping up his face.
Mira blushed, and took a book from the stack piled next to her on the table. "So, I'm helping you in Transfiguration, Charms, Ancient Runes and Astronomy?" Mira said. It seemed like a tall order, but the subjects were easy enough for her. She'd had extensive tutoring from both of her parents, who themselves were very accomplished at magic. Helping Draco Malfoy wouldn't be too difficult, at least not in the academic aspect.
Draco nodded. "It seems that my professors think that I am not getting the grades that I'm capable of." He rolled his eyes towards the ceiling, as though this were the stupidest thing ever.
Mira shrugged. "Well, if you're that behind we'd best get on with it." She said in a stern voice. This Draco, this Draco Malfoy, was just the kind of guy she hated. Rich, good looking, dripping with sarcasm, and absolutely no wit, at all.
"By the way, stunning attire. I suppose orphan Annie broke into your closet and those were you're last resort? Or perhaps your style icon is Mother Teresa?" Draco said, once more smirking at her.
OK, maybe a little wit, she corrected herself. She rolled her eyes in reply. "Let's start with Charms." She said, shoving the book she held in her hand towards him.
Draco sighed, but consented.
What Mira hated even more was that she knew as much as she hated guys like Draco Malfoy, now she knew she was in love with him.
*End Flashback*
Draco flipped his head back, causing the blond hair that hung in his eyes to fall away from his face. He made is way to where Mira sat. Stunning, he thought, looking at her. Her green eyes sparkled brilliantly at him, brought out by her contrasting black hair. True, she was much too beautiful to wear black all the time, but it did suit her mood. Draco's heart wrenched when he thought of how miserable Mira was. She had resorted to cutting her own skin to ease the pain she kept inside of her. Every time he saw a new cut on her arms or legs, he felt dead inside. Though he would rather see Goyle naked than admit it, Mira was his world, the reason he was even half the person he was today.
Better never let her find that out, he thought, she'll never let me live it down. He approached the table and sat a sundae in front of her.
"Thanks!" Mira said gratefully, scooting over so he could pull a chair up close to her.
"You're welcome." He said, pecking her soft lips, strictly out of habit. OK, maybe not strictly, the blond boy thought, grinning.
He hurriedly began to eat his ice cream. If Mira knew he had truly wanted to kiss her, simply because she looked beautiful and this had been a day better than most, and not because he could, well, he couldn't let that happen. Lucky for him, Mira paid no heed to his worries, and began to talk of the old times, when her parents were still alive. Past the chocolate fudge, and down to the nuts and cherries, they reminisced their first date, their first kiss…Mira was even so bold as to tell Draco exactly what had been going on in her head when they first had sex.
Draco smirked at this, realizing that as appreciative as she was of his body and skill, he had been thinking the same about her.
"Well, those days are gone now." She said, almost in a whisper.
Draco looked down at her, seeing that familiar cloud of misery pass over her face, darkening her eyes. "Gone, but not lost...it's still there…still within reach." Draco replied, rubbing her arm. Mira looked up, and into Draco's face. Confused at what she saw there, she looked away.
"Come, love, we've got to get back, I told mother we'd be back within the hour." Draco picked up the broom package, and Mira clasped his other hand in hers. Draco gave Mira's small hand a squeeze, that could've meant either reassurance or remembrance, Mira couldn't tell.
"Draco?" She said, as the two stopped in front of the Leaky Cauldron, waiting for an old witch to amble by.
"Yes?" Draco said, not looking at her.
"Thanks. You know, for today." And before he could do anything to stop her, Mira stood on her tiptoes and kissed him.
The kiss was as warm and precious as he could remember all of her kisses to be, and for a moment, he lost himself in a world of bliss. He almost dropped the broom in an effort to pull her closer to him, to bring Mira's mouth into his own, but the door slamming behind him brought him back to the present, and Mira pulled away from him as quickly as she had kissed him. She grinned at him, then held the door of the Leaky Cauldron open for him. Shaking his head at her, Draco entered, glad that she was behind him, and couldn't see the stupid grin on his face.
---
An hour later, back at the Malfoy manor, Mira laid on her comfortable bed, exhausted. She didn't know if it was because of walking around with Draco all day, or the fact that she had, throughout the hours they spent together, had to physically restrain herself from him. She missed him so much, it was like trying to fill a black hole inside of her. Of course, there were things that bayed her over, like smoking three entire packs of cigarettes in a day, starving for periods of time, or a majorly damaging session with her razor and the voice, but they were only temporary highs, distractions, and didn't take away the hurt and want Draco always managed to leave her feeling.
She sighed, and stood from her bed. Ignoring the reflection of herself in the mirror, Mira stripped off all of her clothes and wrapped a towel she had gotten from the hall closet around her naked body. A shower was just what she needed. The hot water always seemed to soothe her tense muscles, to bring her mind to a peaceful state, even if it was only for a few minutes.
Smiling slightly, she opened her door and walked across the hall. As she approached the door to the bathroom, a loud giggle hit her ears. She stopped, and perked her ear in the direction of the noise. Another loud giggle.
Mira, now curious, turned to her right and walked down the hall, the giggling getting louder, closer.
"Ohhh, that feels so good!" A voice, Mira identified it as the owner of the giggle, said.
She approached the room where the source of noise was coming from. The door was open a chink…Mira smirked to herself. It would be so funny to walk in on Narcissa and Lucius doing it, Narcissa would sofreak. As she opened the door, a brown-headed body, naked, lay on top of an equally nude blond boy.
"Oh Drakee, don't you think we should use something?" Pansy said, breathless.
"No baby, I want you now! I can't wait." Draco said, in that voice that suggested he was going to explode at any minute.
Mira was horrified, and disgusted. That voice had once been for her. She closed her eyes, trying to steady herself. She was going to vomit, her heart was pounding, her chest was going to burst, the room was spinning, around and up and then down, taking her with it. She closed her eyes, took a silent breath, then opened them again, turning away from the scene in front of her. She ran back to her room, hot tears flooding down her face.
"How?" She said to herself, how? How could Draco show her an amazing day, tell her the option of them returning to the way they were was still open, how could he buy her a broom and kiss her, and then fuck Pansy?
"How!" She screamed furiously, the sound echoing off the walls. She slammed the door behind her, and ran to her desk.
Finally. The voice inside of her said, excited.
Yes, she answered it, yes, finally.
Mira wrenched open the drawer, and grabbed the plastic case that held it, her only hope, her only salvation from this Hell. She opened the case, then threw it aside. She had her prize.
Mira's focus became clearer now, as it always did when it was about to happen. She grinned, happier than she had could remember being, and placed the razor against the top her left forearm, an inch or so above her wrist. Gripping it tightly with her right hand, Mira dug the razor as deep into her skin as her strength would allow. Blood dripped to the surface of her skin, mingling with the razor, but that wasn't enough for Mira. It was never enough.
She drug the razor in a straight, perfect line across her arm, a trail of blood and flakes of her white, tender skin in the sharp metal's wake. Breathing easier now, revelling in the sight of her own blood, Mira switched hands and proceeded to cut into her right arm Draco's name. He was, after all, the cause of this, and Mira always gave credit where credit was due.
Her eyes welled with tears again, her mind recalling the look on Draco's face as he gazed up at Pansy, at the need and longing in his voice as he begged her to fuck him, and suddenly the bloody, scratched lines all over her arms weren't enough…she needed something more, something deeper, something that hurt as much physically, on the outside of her body, as she did inside of her body.
An idea springing in her mind, Mira went back to her desk and searched through the drawers until she found a rubber band. She sliced across it with her razor, leaving a thin, bloody line in it, so it was a single strip of elastic. As tight as she could, she wrapped it just above the crick of her elbow, waiting for a vein to rise to the surface.
When she could finally see and feel what she was aiming for throbbing, she smiled again. She brought the razor, now semi-dried with blood but still as sharp as ever, again to her skin. Looking up to her ceiling with a sadistic, twisted smile on her tear-streaked face, she closed her eyes gently. The power of what she was about to do surged through her, and with a breath of anticipation, she sliced the vein easily.
She opened her eyes, and with the utmost fascination and triumph, watched the red flow of her blood.
"Fuck, yes." She sighed with satisfaction, feeling the emotional hurricane inside of her slowly begin to dissipate.
She sat on her bed, and looked up at the ceiling for a moment, allowing the contentment to fill her. Shrugging, she stood up again, picked up the plastic blue case, and put the still bloody razor safely inside it. She would clean it tomorrow. For now, she was exhausted. Her wrist hadn't stopped bleeding, but she didn't care. Mira climbed in between the sheets of her bed.
Now, and for the first time in a long time, she would sleep peacefully. The blood and razor had done its job, and no more thoughts of Draco entered the girl's fragile mind as she drifted off into unconsciousness.
It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek
is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna
quit you over time
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
You've taken over me.
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to
get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I promise I can deal with it
Just a little bit more to
get me through this
You've taken over me
Song used is Addicted by Kelly Clarkson. If, by chance, you haven't heard this song, youtube it NOW. It's almost as if it were written for Mira.