Chapter 6

"Ever get the feeling it's all meaningless?" From his prone position on the couch, one arm draped listlessly over his forehead, Bonkers sighed melodramatically. "Like everything you've ever tried to do, everything you've ever risked, all the times you've ever put it on the line for someone or something is all just one big, meaty, juicy ball of absurd emptiness?"

A woman sat on an armchair next to the couch, a notepad and a pencil in hand, looking thoughtful. Diplomas lined the wainscoted walls and the L.A. traffic was only a distant grumble in the background. "And what brought these thoughts on, Bonkers?" she asked in a subdued tone.

"Oh, it's this stupid case I'm working on with Lucky." Bonkers rolled onto his stomach, letting his left foot dangle off the edge of the couch. He heaved another sigh. "When he first came back, I couldn't have been happier! I finally had my partner back, along with a big case to prove myself to Cap and Barney. But it's the same old thing. Doesn't want to listen, doesn't want to trust me, doesn't want to get coffee at that nice, cheap little Columbian place. Nooo, he wants to drive halfway across the city to buy a cup of overpriced dirt water – "

"Bonkers."

"Ah, forget it." His tail flicked and Bonkers gave the woman a smile. "Gee, I am sure am glad we have these little sessions. You know, Fall Apart always told me that his therapist was the best in town, but he should really be coming to you."

"That could pose some problems." The woman smirked. "The main one being that I'm not a therapist."

"A minor quibble." Bonkers sat up and stretched, and then gave a grin to Miranda Wright, dressed in a crisp uniform sitting in the armchair.

Miranda returned his smile and motioned to her notebook with the pencil. "You were helping me with a grocery list, remember? And then suddenly that morphed into a conversation about existential crises."

"As making grocery lists often does," Bonkers pointed out sagely.

Miranda put the notebook down on the table next to her, sensing that she never would be able to wrangle from Bonkers the secret ingredient to his famous double-cherry-banana-fudge roll that tasted of neither of cherries or bananas, but was nonetheless addictively delicious. She had been an instructor at the Police Academy for the LAPD for several years, and while there were certainly days when she missed being out on the beat, for the most part she found that training the next generation of police officers was exhilarating. Bonkers came to visit her regularly, sometimes under the guise of brushing up on his skills, but mostly just to lie on her couch between classes and shoot the breeze with his other favorite ex-partner.

"Look, it's been a long time since you two worked on a case together." Miranda stood up and poured herself a cup of coffee from her own pot in the corner – just one of the perks of being an instructor. "Sometimes when we remember the past, we remember it as having been better than it actually was. Haven't you ever thought you might be remembering your time as Lucky's partner as betterthan it actually was, especially since you haven't had much luck with partners since then?"

"But I was lucky with you." He blushed suddenly and tugged at his collar. "In an entirely platonic, professional way, that is."

She laughed and ruffled the fur on top of his head with a sentimental smile. "Everybody changes, Bonkers. Maybe it's you. Maybe it's Lucky. Maybe it's both of you."

"I've never changed!" Bonkers stood resolutely. "Not one whit, not a smidgen, not even a scintilla! Not never, not no-how!"

Miranda gave him a wry smile and tugged at his ears. "Didn't the tips of these ears used to be red?" She leaned down to face him, arching an eyebrow. "And aren't you sporting black spots these days?"

"They have a…slimming effect," Bonkers answered airily with a haughty sniff.

"Come on," Miranda prodded. "I've seen pictures of you when you were Lucky's partner, and you looked like a completely different toon when you were with me. Now you're back to how you looked in the first place."

"So what?" A rare hint of annoyance crept into Bonkers' voice. "It's not a crime to change one's style, is it?"

"Of course not," Miranda replied with another shrug, this one slightly defensive. "But if Lucky's changed, you can't say you haven't either."

"But revision is something completely different!" Bonkers erupted and immediately clapped both hands over his mouth while a look of consternation crossed his face. He took his hands away from his mouth and sighed. "Gee, I'm sorry, Miranda. I didn't mean to snap at you."

For her part, Miranda was giving Bonkers a searching look. "Re…vision? What's that?"

"Don't worry about it, Miranda." Bonkers tried valiantly to brighten his expression, but failed. "It's a…toon thing. Nothing you need to worry about."

"Well, it's evidently worrying you." Miranda sat down on the couch next to her friend. "Are you sure there's nothing you want to tell me?"

Bonkers, despite looking unsure, took a deep breath and opened his mouth to speak when suddenly the door to Miranda's office flew open to reveal a sweat-soaked, panting Lucky standing on the threshold.

"Bonkers!" he hollered. "There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you! I have something to – " Lucky reached around to his back pocket as he stepped into the room, and was immediately tackled by Miranda, who, despite the weight difference, easily pinned him face-down on the floor with her arm around his neck and her elbow wedged into his back, effectively immobilizing him.

"Identify yourself!" she barked, digging her elbow in deeper, making Lucky howl girlishly and kick his feet helplessly.

"Wow! Impressive, huh Lucky?" Bonkers whispered conspiratorially to Lucky, who now had tears brimming in his eyes from the pain. "Boy, she took you out in two seconds flat!"

"Just…spectacular…" Lucky managed to squeak.

"This is Lucky?" Miranda leapt up and brushed herself off. "Sorry about that. Reflexes. You know how it is," she finished with a timid laugh.

"I would, if I still had any feeling in my spine," Lucky countered, lugging himself off the floor. His back cracked, making him grimace and mutter, "Ohhh yeah. Gonna feel that in the morning."

"Favorite ex-partner, meet my other favorite ex-partner," Bonkers said, taking Miranda's hand and Lucky's, then smooshing them together in a half-hearted handshake. "Isn't this great? Isn't this just wonderful?" He wiped a tear from his eye. "This is happening just like in my six-hundred page fictionalized autobiography that I wrote last weekend, except that there's less heavy metal music and I'm not trying to stop an invasion of Venusians while you two dangle precariously from a cliff, waiting for me to rescue you with my robot arms."

"And to think some people believe good taste is dead," Lucky mumbled sarcastically, finally grabbing the newspaper out of his back pocket. "I wanted you to see this, Bonkers." His face darkened. "Looks like Sugarfoot isn't wasting any time moving into Gimblebee's spot."

Bonkers grabbed the paper to get a better look. TOONTOWN STUDIO MOGEL RUNNING FOR MAYOR OF TOONTOWN, the headline screamed. A beaming picture of Sugarfoot with a saccharine smile plastered across his face grinned up at Bonkers, who shivered slightly. "Oh, this is bad," Bonkers tsked. "Like 'reality star releasing a pop album' bad."

Miranda took the newspaper and scanned the headline. "Sugarfoot? You think he's caught up in all of this with the mayor somehow?"

Lucky nodded. "I'm certain of it – I just don't know exactly where he fits in all of this." He began to pace furiously, hand on his chin, face downcast.

"Welllll, it could have something to do with what Mickey said yesterday," Bonkers mused, sitting on the arm of the couch.

Lucky stopped. "Look, for the last time, that raid was orchestrated on eye witness evidence I truly believed to be rock solid – "

"No, no, not about that." Bonkers leaned in close to Lucky. "Though I'm dying to hear what you found in the dressing rooms. Is it true that Minnie dyes her ears? You don't have to say anything, just shake your head yes or – "

"What did Mickey say, Bonkers?" Miranda chimed in helpfully, seeing the expression of rage beginning to rise on Lucky's face.

"Oh, that! Well!" Bonkers plopped himself back down on the couch. "It's a matter of toon physiology. We toons don't like to talk about it. In fact, I – " here, Bonkers' gaze darted around the room and he whispered, "I can't talk about it."

"What?" Lucky cried, irritated. "Why not?"

"Because it's profoundly unfunny, that's why!" Bonkers returned. "In fact, it's so unfunny that I can't even get the words out. See?" Here, Bonkers pantomimed whatever he was trying to say, mouthing words that had no sound. He shook his head. "No good. See?"

"Is it lunchtime yet?" Lucky groaned, glancing at his watch. He sighed. "Look, just answer me this: does this…this…toon secret have any relevance at all to the case?"

Bonkers nodded.

Miranda put her hands on her hips. "If we could somehow make it funny, would you be able to tell us?"

Bonkers nodded again, eyes large.

"Come on. Let's go to the classroom. I've got an idea," Miranda suggested, already leading the way. Once inside the large classroom down the hall, she opened the door to a locker room that held hundreds of various items destined to be used as mock evidence in staged crime scenes for aspiring police officers in the academy. She leaned against the doorway with a small smile. "Knock yourself out, Bonkers."

"You know him only too well," Lucky stated in amazement as Bonkers bounded into the locker room, ripping through piles of clothes, hockey sticks, lanterns and anything else that could conceivably found in a crime scene anywhere in the world. He scratched the back of his head. "But, uh…are you sure this is such a good idea? I mean, when you give Bonkers free reign on anything, it's – "

A wailing cacophony erupted from the closet as Bonkers slid out on his knees, accordion in hand and wearing a vile checkered jacket. Both Miranda and Lucky's eyes widened as Bonkers launched into a musical assault on anyone within earshot.

"Ohhhhhhhhh!" he sang, pumping the accordion in a polka tune.

"Here's something about toons you don't know,

We don't only just change and grow,

When a toon wants to change his style,

And not just for a little while,

When a toon wants to start anew,

There is something that he can do."

"Get to the point, Lawrence Welk!" Lucky cried.

"Animators don't just ink and sketch

A whole new toon they can etch

Not just feet and ears and tails

Not just the color of your scales

They can change a toon so he looks brand new

Doesn't look a thing like he used to."

"Wait a minute," Miranda said, comprehension dawning on her. "Bonkers, you mean – "

Bonkers nodded, and continued his frantic polka song.

"When a toon makes the decision,

He can get himself a revision

Only a toon with no morals,

One who refused to rest on his laurels,

Might try to avoid going to prison

By getting himself a total revision!"

"Bonkers, that's it!" Lucky shouted happily. "Why, if Mickey's right – this could blow the whole case wide open!"

"Miranda, you look very nice today

Are you using a new hair spray?"

"Bonkers, that's enough," Lucky warned flatly.

"Lucky you've got a stain on your tie

And another one on your thigh!"

"All right, all right!" Lucky grabbed the accordion and threw it unceremoniously back into the locker room. "That's enough, maestro!"

"Whew! Thanks Lucky. When you get stuck in an infinite polka loop, sometimes you're there for weeks!" Bonkers said, wiping his forehead. "I'm pretty sure that's how wars get started, come to think of it."

"So. Sugarfoot thinks he can hide from the law by getting a revision, huh?" Lucky ground a fist into his palm and began to pace, his expression steely. "Bonkers, you said yourself that there were always rumors that Sugarfoot used blackmail money to start his studio. Well, now his studio isn't big enough for him – now, he wants all of Toontown! Seems like Sugarfoot went back to his old tricks to get Gimblebee out of office – that's why the message on the back of the theater poster is signed K – for King Ring-a-Ding, Sugarfoot's former identity! He blackmailed Gimblebee, and when the money was all gone, Gimblebee skipped town. With no one the wiser and all of Toontown's dirty secrets in Sugarfoot's – King Ring-a-Ding's – back pocket, he's a shoe-in! It's a brilliant plan – nearly fool proof. But if Sugarfoot thinks he can outsmart Special Agent Lucky Piquel and his partner, he's got another thing coming!" Lucky growled, puffing out his chest slightly and already beginning to stride out the door.

Bonkers trailed after him, with Miranda not far behind. "But – But – it's just not tooney enough!" he protested.

"Are you kidding?" Lucky swiveled around to face Bonkers. "If it was any toonier, it'd be broadcast on Saturday mornings in between Captain Crunch commercials!"

Bonkers tapped his foot impatiently. "Listen, I'm the toon expert here! Don't tell a toon what's tooney and not tooney, or just a load of screwy hooey that's about to go kablooey! Lucky, listen – this whole situation just isn't tooney enough! "

"Is that really the only reason you can give me?" Lucky sighed tiredly, his face softening. "Bonkers, look." He got down on one knee and put a hand on Bonkers' shoulder. "I couldn't have come this far without you, really I couldn't have – but now, I've got to go arrest Sugarfoot for fraud and blackmail. I have a feeling that as soon as Sugarfoot isn't a threat anymore, Gimblebee will come out of hiding and we can nab him, too, provided he's still alive. But to do that, it's going to take some…finesse. It'll be dangerous, high-stakes stuff."

"But partner, haven't we always been a team?" Bonkers said. "Through thick and thin? Dangerous or not?"

"Yeah, but – Bonkers, it's…it's just that – "

"It's just that I'm a toon, right?" Bonkers' ears seemed to wilt. He tried a weak smile but failed. "And…and toons can't handle the…the important stuff?"

Lucky's expression was somber, and tinged with melancholy. "Bonkers, it's – it's that I don't want to…how can I put this…"

"You don't want this to get screwed up?" Bonkers' tone sported an uncharacteristic sharpness to it. "That's it, isn't it? Sure, you'll let a toon tag along, giving you all the cheat codes and hints to a case dealing with toons, but when the time comes to arrest and apprehend and a bunch of other 'a' words that I can't think of, then toons just need to get out of the way and let humans do all of the dangerous stuff!" His voice was rising now; even Miranda looked surprised. "Because toons can't be real cops! Oh no! Toons are just convenient experts whose expertise about being a toon isn't even worth the ink we're drawn with if it goes against a human's perceptions about what a toon would or wouldn't do!"

"Bonkers, look, calm down," Lucky soothed, genuinely concerned. The volume in Bonkers' voice had brought a few curious onlookers out into the hallway they were standing in.

"I won't calm down!" Bonkers bellowed. "Lucky, I've spent fifteen years – fifteen years – as not just a cop in Toontown, but as a toon cop in Toontown, and still no one thinks toons can be good cops!" Bonkers stopped suddenly, as though an epiphany had struck him. "A good cop. Maybe that's it. Maybe – maybe I'm just not a good cop. Maybe – maybe it is me, just like Barney and Captain Grating said. Maybe other toon cops could be goodcops, but since I was the first, I'm holding them back."

Now it was Miranda's turn to kneel and grip Bonkers' shoulders. "Bonkers, that isn't true. That isn't true at all, and you know it!"

"You're a good cop, Miranda. You are too, Lucky. I've always tried to be like you, Lucky – your hideous fashion sense aside, of course – but if one of the best cops I've ever known thinks my deductions about something I should be an expert in are wrong and that I can't handle the dangerous stuff because I'm a toon, then I've got no right wearing a badge. See?" He managed a feeble smile. "I just wanted to be a good cop, Lucky, and do the right thing. That's all. And if the right thing is not being a cop anymore then…well…" Bonkers paused for a moment, then slowly removed his hat, unpinned his badge, and handed both to Lucky. "…then…I – I won't be a cop anymore," he whispered with a small shrug, real tears in his eyes.

Lucky looked down at the small hat and shiny badge in his hands. He shook his head. "Bonkers, come on, you don't have to – "

"Good luck with the case, Lucky," Bonkers said, giving Lucky a gently affectionate pat on the shoulder. "And have a good trip back to Washington. Say hello to Mrs. P for me; tell her that I miss her pancakes."

Lucky stood slowly and watched the small toon go, and then rubbed his forehead. "Criminey, that didn't go quite as I planned," he muttered to Miranda.

"Well I didn't want to say anything, but I figured as much," Miranda replied, touching the brim of Bonkers' uniform hat.

"Oh, you know how he is," Lucky said. "He gets melodramatic about things, and – "

"That wasn't melodrama. That was real. And real is rare in a toon." Miranda's tone betrayed some irritation. "Look Lucky, he and I spent some time talking today, and it seems to me that all of the breaks in this case have come from him. What's stopping you from trusting his judgment one last time when you're this close to wrapping up the case?"

Lucky studied Bonkers' badge for a moment before responding slowly, "I guess…I guess maybe I don't want him screwing things up." He shrugged helplessly. "Toons are so…so…"

"Tooney," Miranda answered for him, looking down the hallway where Bonkers had made his last exit, her face wistful. "That's why we need them."