Hello friends! I have a lot to say in today's author's notes. So let us get it over with! First, I really need to thank Muse of Suffering for giving me some seriously good inspiration for this chapter, for all who do not know her, she is brilliant :) Also, a huge thank you and hugs goes to my 'sister', Miss Misled-Bloodshed. She is doing something amazing for my beloved Gee and I honestly am not able to thank her enough. I also need to thank all of those who have reviewed and followed my story, you're all awesome. Last thing I must mention issss...for all those who have not looked at my profile: Gee is online. Follow her on Tumblr ( .com) and also look for me on Pride of Chucky! Enough of me talking...on we go!
Chapter Five: To Feel Nothing
When I hit fourteen I used to have these crazy fucked up dreams, mainly about Eddie. It was seriously fucked right up. They never truly upset me, they just annoyed the hell out of me. I would never get a full night's sleep with them...the dreams just consisted of Eddie waking me up over and over again, everything else was like a groggy, shitty blur. I would wake up in the morning feeling like absolute garbage. These dreams along with would follow me all fucking day and just cause absolute havoc. The fucking Catholics realized that all I ever did was sleep in their classes and talk to Mr. Bunny, so they "urged" my parents to sign me up for therapy. Ha, what a fucking waste of money. All they did was tell me shit I already knew. I remember the one time the therapist kept saying "How do you feel, Glenda? You Glenda, you can tell me anything". I remember looking up at her. "You can stop using the G word, or you can let me dismember your tongue. The choice is yours.". After telling her that I got a prescription for anti-depressants and ritalin. Let me tell you, those pills mixed with a little ganja, is a fucking nice time. Thinking about it now, it wasn't me who needed the fucking help. My mother did, and when I was 16, I finally confronted her about it.
It became a weekly ritual. I remember it would start off with screaming in her sleep. Mom would then begin to get out of bed very clumsily, muttering shit to herself like "Daddy, no" and "Please I promise not to tell, just don't hurt her". When insomnia struck, I decided I would watch this ritual. Dad followed her out of bed every time and let her do her crazy unconcious shit until she got to the kitchen. Mom's wailling and crying got worse, and eventually she grabbed a knife. This is when Dad would intterupt her traumatic rehashing and grab her by the waist to pull her closer to him. Mom screamed and tried to fight him off, but Dad had a pretty good handle on her. I mean, he really should if he dealt with her doing this kind of shit every week. "Tiffany, calm down." He would start off trying to be as cool as a cucumber. She would continue to wail and scream like a banshee with the knife flailing around in her hand. "Tiffany, enough! Snap out of it!" He would then shake the shit out of Mom, who would finally come to her senses. "Oh God, Chucky. I'm so sorry!" Mom began crying hysterically, she always got so embarrassed. "It's okay, Tiff. I'm not going to hurt you. Nobody can hurt you." They then would hold each other for what seemed like hours. I remember the one night, I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about Eddie. I don't know why, it just would play over and over in my head keeping me awake. The thing that was shitty was that the memories never included the good part, me ending his piece of shit life. I remember when I had to see the school therapist (which I fucking hated) I, for some God forsaken reason, told her about Eddie. And immediately threatened to end her life if she opened her fucking mouth. She called later that day, saying she believed I had some form of PTSD or some shit and that I needed to be medicated even more. Fucking bitch. If only she knew the amount of questions Mom asked me after that whore told her that I was even more fucking psychotic than I already was on two forms of drugs. Regardless, I was put on meds and I would take them all the fucking time as well as follow through with therapy sessions. This was basically an agreement, it was one of the few things keeping us in Canada before we were blacklisted from there, too. At least Canadians are fucking nice enough to give serial killers second chances (and third and fourth chances, too). Anyway, whenever Mom had her weekly fiascoes, she would climb to the roof balcony and smoke her cigarettes and weed. That night, I decided I would join her. I grabbed my coat and went up to the roof. "Need a friend?" I asked. Christ, it was cold. Mom turned around wiping whatever tears were left away and tried to act like nothing bothered her. "Gee, do you have any idea what time it is? You have to get up in like-" I grabbed a cigarette, lit it and answered. "4 hours. Let's pretend it's after hours so you can put all your parental worry away. You should know by now I don't sleep much, Mom." She exhaled. "Yeah, I guess that's true." There was a silence after that. I hated awkward silences. "Fuck it's cold out here, Mom. You're like practically half naked, aren't you freezing your ass off out here?" A chill ran down my spine while saying that and I tightened my coat around me. Mom took another drag from her cigarette. "When you're plastic, you don't feel much." Just tell her. "There are two lies in that sentence." Mom looked at me. "What are you talking about?" I took a long drag from my smoked and moved my hair out of my face as it was annoying the complete fuck out of me. "First lie: Over the last four years, I most nights anyway, will not sleep much. Which means over the last four years, I have heard you perform the same fiasco every week." Mom's face sunk. Her face then got red "You have?" I laughed a little bit. "Yeah, and because of all that I know that you were molested as a kid. One night I waited until Dad was drunk enough and asked him who did it, he told me it was your father." I took another drag from my cigarette and continued before Mom could open her mouth. "Your dad must have been a real big asshole." This time Mom laughed, though it was nervous as fuck, it was still a laugh. "Yeah. That he definitely was. What are you getting at by all this?" I tried to think of a way to say it that sounded like, half hearted. "I know how it is, to have somebody fuck you over like that." Fuck that made no sense. Mom shook her head. "You really don't, Gee. You should be happy you have no fucking clue. Pretending you do doesn't help." Ugh, fuck that made me mad. "Yes I really do, Mom. Ever wonder why Eddie died so suddenly? It wasn't because he broke a deal with Dad, he just covered my ass again. I fucking killed him. Because he raped me for months. It just happened to be on the nights you didn't have your fiascoes. And a real bonus for you two is, you both sleep like the motherfucking dead. Which leads me to the second lie in that little sentence you spewed. You don't need to be plastic to feel nothing, because I'm flesh and bone and fuck I haven't felt a thing that doesn't surround anger my whole life. But yet, I know how it feels to fucking stay awake at night with the anger there still and the constant annoyance of somebody talking down to you and making you feel fucking helpless to yourself." Mom was speechless. "That's why I kill. Watching their blood leave their body gives me something to feel. Some people are better off dead, and well fuck. Eddie was one of them. This is why I'm on so many meds, because I can't sleep at night. Because of Eddie. I thought I had gotten rid of him for good. That's a fucking lie." I struggled to light my second cigarette. Mom gave me a light. "Jesus Gee, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. Your dad made me think it was for something totally different...Chucky never told me shit!" I could tell Mom was livid. "Don't get all pissed off at him. I didn't want him to tell. I didn't want you to put me in therapy or something stupid like that. Funny thing is, it turns out I can't escape therapy either." Mom got closer to me and put her hand on my back. "You know what Gee? I'm so proud of you. The fact you pull through everyday with that kind of shit on your shoulders, is way more than what a lot of people can say." That's when the moment I got so much closer to my mom happened. She pulled out her little bag of weed and rolled two joints. "Here" she said. "You deserve it. Don't tell your brother." We both began smoking what was the best weed I have ever smoked my whole life. "Another thing" Mom added before laughing. "I guess your Dad covered both our asses for murdering our assaulters." I started choking from inhaling too much. "What? What are you talking about? You killed your own dad?" I tried to pretend to be offended but it didn't work, and I began to laugh hysterically. "I can't even act surprised never mind fucking disgusted. Mom! That's kick ass! What did you even kill him with? I know the knife isn't your weapon of choice." Mom waved the smoke from her face and uncontrollable laughter took over her entire body. "I can't even tell you, it's too ridiculous." Was all I managed to hear because she was laughing too much. "Don't be a bitch, Mom. Tell me!" I gave her what is called a 'love tap' and she answered. "Okay fine, fine! A condom. I bought the crazy stretchy ones and put it over his head and watched him suffocate." It was silent then a gust of uncontrollable laughter blew over the both of us. "That's just fucking weird, Mom. At least I used a meat cleaver. That's normal!" I added. Mom wiped the tears of laughter from her face. "I always wondered where that went. I applaud your Lorena Bobbitt move too." Just as she said that, Dad opened the balcony door and joined us. "What the hell are you two still doing out here? Glen was looking for you, Tiff. I managed to convince him about how aliens are on earth and he wants you to talk him out of it." Dad laughed. "He falls for it everytime." Mom rolled her eyes. "I better deal with that, Good night, sweetface." Mom winked at me and went inside. Dad rolled himself a joint. "Your mother always has the best weed. Wanna join me, babydoll? We don't have to tell her, it will be our little secret." I yawned. "Hate to disappoint, daddy-o. But, I have to get at least an hour of sleep tonight. It's hard to pretend to be Catholic, you know." Dad and I did our handshake. I giggled to myself. "Oh yeah, Dad." He turned to me. "What?" I couldn't help but laugh a little bit more. "Watch out for Mom with condoms, I hear she's pretty deadly with those things." I then went inside and straight to bed. It was the best couple hours of sleep I've had in four years.
YAY! So again, thanks to Muse of Suffering for inspiring this Chapter! I love the Tiff/Gee moments. They always melt my heart. Don't forget to review and favourite/follow for more of our good friend Gee! Also follow on Tumblr and add me to your list on Pride of Chucky (my member name is geelray) for more fun :D Toodles!
GeeLRay