CHAPTER FOUR: THE DUCK

The Country

Before

Today, I am not a boy or a man.

I am eighteen, a number that is supposed to mean freedom. I am no longer anyone's child, or maybe I never was. I don't feel like an adult. Probably because I still sleep in a twin bed.

My stomach is twisted in knots even before I open my eyes. I leave them closed for an extra minute. My mouth tastes like death and I have to take a piss. My head is surprisingly clear.

I promised myself I would get out of this place, but I don't know how to do that or where to go. It all seems too impossible. Bella talks about college and her future like it's real and certain. I want to be a part of it, but I can't tag along with the girl who lives next door. I don't think it works that way. I am not her boyfriend or her reason.

I lie in the bed that is too small for me, in the room with yellow walls. She is my reason to get up in the morning, and most of the time it doesn't matter that I'm not hers. Wanting her, being next to her, watching her smile is enough.

I bury my face in my pillow and try to picture that smile. The way she tucks her hair behind her ear. The way her fingers play with the branches of the willow tree. The way she laughs until she almost cries.

I drag myself out of bed before my alarm goes off. I hate that noise.

My dad wasn't home last night when I took the fifth of tequila to my room. I'm not even sure if he's home now. I grab the half-full bottle from my nightstand and stash it under my pillow.

My arms and legs feel slow and heavier than they should as I head to the bathroom to shower.

The water takes forever to heat up. I'm so fucking thirsty, I could drink it straight from the tap, but we're on well water. Not even my dad drinks well water.

I step under the spray before it's even warm enough and jack off to thoughts of Bella's lips and her skin and her shiny, perfect hair. I wonder what she'd think of me if she knew.

I pull on some old jeans, scrounge up a lighter, and walk in bare feet out to the back deck. The wood is already starting to warm under my toes. The sun makes everything bright and almost new.

Bella's house shows no signs of life. I wonder if she's up yet. I wonder if she's still in her pajamas, what she sleeps in, if she's naked right now. I stop myself before I need another shower.

I light a cigarette and watch it burn for a few seconds. The first drag is always the best. The rest is just hanging on and chasing something invisible.

I'm tempted to skip school and sit out here on the deck all day, but I want to see her. So I toss my cigarette butt in the planter box filled with sand.

The doors of this house are never locked. I go in through the sliding glass door to the kitchen. It looks almost clean in here: dishes in the dishwasher, counters wiped down.

There is an envelope sitting on the counter with my name scrawled across the front of it. I sneer at it, but I can't help the way my heart beats faster and lighter, or the way my lips turn up in a half smile. He's been known to forget.

I turn it over in my hands. It's sealed up tight. I pick at the corner of the blue paper, ripping the edge just a little. I don't know what I'm expecting, but I'm afraid to open it. I bend it in half and slide it into the back pocket of my jeans.

Bella and I have an unspoken routine. I start walking to school and she picks me up somewhere along the way. She tells me not to walk in the street and I ruin her floor mats with my shoes. We don't talk at school, but her mornings and afternoons are mine.

Sometimes we stop by the feed and grain store after school and hang out with Emmett. This time of year, they have nesting boxes with chicks and ducklings out front. Bella is obsessed with them. She wants to take one of the fluffy things home but her parents would never allow it.

Sometimes we sit on the hay bales in the back barn while Emmett lifts bags of grain and carries things out to people's cars. I listen to her talk about college, about moving to the city. I've never known anyone who is so ambitious, so sure about the unknown. I say she's naive. She calls me a cynic. I'm not even really sure what that means.

This morning, there are no clouds in the sky, cars in the road or birds in the wind. The sun is already hot on my neck, and it feels like summer even though it's not yet. I don't know what will happen when we no longer have school and I no longer have an excuse to snatch her up.

The horses on the Bradley farm always stare when I walk by. They make me nervous. On the days when I stare back, their eyes almost look human, and it's too much to think about. Today, I try to ignore them completely.

There is a flock of crows that sit in the old oak at the edge of their property. Sometimes they scream and shout when I pass and sometimes they are silent and still. I run my fingers along the trunk of the tree, one side covered in thick moss, the other side dry like a crocodile.

The birds are quiet today. I'm glad I don't know what makes the difference.

I usually have time for a quick smoke before Bella catches up to me. Cigarette in hand, my lighter is sputtering. It's fucking empty.

As I'm about to throw it to the ground, the birds simultaneously take flight. There is nothing in the world like the sounds of a whole flock of wings in motion. It sounds like going deaf. It sounds like a heartbeat from the inside. It sounds like losing everything.

I stare at the black birds against the blue sky as they change direction. I wonder how they know where to go.

I need a fucking cigarette. I walk along the quiet, windy road, wandering farther and farther into the street.

Bella's Mercedes pulls up beside me just before I reach the section of pavement that always floods, and I swear that car fucking purrs. Bella's face makes me forget how much I need a smoke.

She doesn't know it's my birthday. Nobody does. It's not like I'm going to make some big announcement or throw myself a birthday party. I've had exactly three parties at my house and they were all more trouble than they were worth.

I lost my virginity at one of those parties, to a girl who I've known since we were toddlers. We were both wasted. I can barely remember what it felt like to be inside another human being. I haven't spoken to her since. I can't even look her in the eye when I pass her in the hall.

"What's wrong?" Bella asks as I climb in.

"Nothing."

She doesn't like that answer, but she doesn't push it.

I tap my fingers against the dash, my heart jumpy and my legs restless.

"Would you just smoke the damn thing already?"

My fingers stop tapping and my mind starts racing. "I told you, I quit."

"And I told you not to lie to me."

"I wasn't."

She laughs, but I can tell she's mad. "Do you think I'm stupid?"

"No." I think you're perfect.

"Then smoke your cigarette."

"No."

"Then get out of my car."

I can't tell if she's serious, until the car comes to a complete stop. She won't look at me. She presses the automatic unlock and stares straight ahead at the empty road, her face expressionless.

And so I get out of the fucking car and slam the door that's so expensive it doesn't even slam properly. She's speeding off before I can even begin to understand what just happened.

I pull my pack of cigarettes from my pocket and throw it in the dirt. The card from my father lies there next to it, bent and ugly.

I start walking. I can hear the crows behind me, picking at what's mine. And I have never hated anything more than those fucking birds.

I stomp back to that spot as the birds attack my cigarettes. They don't scatter until I'm reaching for the envelope, snatching it back. My fingers rip the blue paper carelessly, letting it fall back down to the ground.

I try to flatten the card out, but it won't stop curling in on itself. It's one of those sentimental father-son cards with too many words. None of it is true. I open the card before reading it all, just to see if he remembered to sign it.

Inside lies a bowed, but crisp one hundred dollar bill. I turn it over. I don't think I've ever held one before. I stuff it in my pocket before the wind snatches it. I pull it back out to examine it and just to be sure. One hundred dollars.

With the money safely back in my pocket, I blink at the words written in the card.

Happy Birthday Son

I don't know what he's trying to pull.

I walk slowly towards school, kicking every rock in my path, like a child would do. I need a fucking cigarette. The corner market is always open. More often than not, I can get someone to buy me a pack. I'm finally old enough to buy my own cigarettes and I can't even do that because I don't have a proper ID.

I catch Mrs. Parkes on her way in with a grocery cart, and the day just got a little better. She sings in the church choir, has a thousand kids and she'll buy me anything I want for a few extra bucks. I hold out my hundred dollars and her eyes go wide. "How many packs do you want, exactly?"

Bella's scowling face blinks back at me for a split second. I should be asking for some of that Nicorette gum. "Two packs and a lighter," I tell her.

She doesn't ask me what brand because she knows, but she still stares at the money.

"I didn't steal it."

"It's none of my business what you do," she stammers.

I watch her disappear into the market, and for a split second I worry that she might spend it all. But she's one of those church going citizens who I don't want to become. She'll bring me my change. Regardless, I need to get my license. I should find out about driving classes.

Cigarettes and a fresh red lighter in hand, I'm late for first period. I don't bother going. I sit behind the main building with my back against the wall until an entire pack is gone and I am nicotine incarnate.

Bella is mad at me over fucking cigarettes. Does she have any idea the kinds of things people do behind closed doors in this town?

I'd quit. For her. I will quit. I'll quit tomorrow.

We don't usually talk at school. She's my ride home, my next door neighbor. I don't know how to tell the girl who doesn't date that I want her to be mine.

I've lost track of how many bells have rung. I have no idea what time it is. I want nothing more than for this day to be over.

The main hall is filled with students and backpacks.

She's sitting on the floor in front of my locker, the last place I expected her to be. I want to pin her to that spot and tell her I'm sorry, with everything I have. I want to stick my tongue down her throat. I want to peel off her clothes and fuck her against my locker so everyone knows that she belongs to me.

I do none of those things. I wish I could just walk right past her and be different than how I am. I stand frozen in front of her, without any words.

She looks up at me with those eyes. "You didn't tell me it was your birthday."

"Yeah, well, it's not a big deal."

"It's your birthday. Look, I'm sorry about this morning. I'm not your mom." Thank God for that.

She rubs her hands over her eyes. She looks so soft. "If you're going to smoke, Edward, then smoke. Just don't lie to me."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't do it again."

"I won't."

I hold my hand out to her and she takes it but lets go as soon as she's standing. I want to grab it back.

The rest of the day passes in slow minutes. Emmett says he wants to have people over this weekend for a belated birthday thing. He has this huge barn where his parents let him do whatever and whoever he wants.

Bella drops me off after school with the promise that she'll be back. Emmett is at work, my dad is God knows where and I have nothing to do but make myself a drink and have a smoke. Then I brush my teeth until my gums are raw.

I sit out on the deck with my feet in the pool, my jeans rolled up to my knees. I lie back on the warm wood and it isn't until Bella is shaking me awake that I realize I've fallen asleep. My vision is cloudy and my skin is too hot. I can barely see her face with the sun behind it.

I pull my wrinkled feet from the pool and unroll my pant legs. I try to rub the fog from my eyes, before standing up next to her.

She's grinning from ear to ear, hiding something in her hands. She opens them slowly, and I can only stare.

"Where did you get that?" I ask, even though I know.

"Where do you think?" She smiles the words.

"You stole a duck."

"I didn't steal it! Emmett let me have her."

Fucking Emmett.

"It's just a baby one. Can we keep it here?"

We.

"You're insane."

She scowls at me. "Are you saying no?"

Like I could ever say no to her.

She holds the tiny thing out to me and before I can object, I'm holding it in the palms of my hands. And I swear I can feel its heart beating. It's tiny and fluffy and impossibly alive.

"When she's big enough, she could live in the dog run." This is the stupidest idea I have ever heard.

With her hands in two delicate fists, Bella holds her thumbs up against her bottom lip. "Please?" she nearly begs.

Damn it.

"Fine. Alright."

She jumps at me, wrapping both of her arms around me and I think we're kind of, almost hugging.

"Careful, careful!" The words spill from my mouth before I realize how stupid they are. She immediately lets go, curling her hands up to her face again.

"Sorry, baby duck." She takes the little thing back from me and I almost wish she hadn't.

She leads me back out to her car where she has her very own nesting box in the back seat with the full set up, a heat lamp and everything. I peer into the box and there is another fucking duckling curled up in the corner.

Bella is holding the first one in her hands, tucked under her chin. Her eyes and her lips tell me that she knows exactly what she's doing.

"You have two ducks," I say in the most even voice I can manage.

"We have two ducks. I thought she'd be cold and all alone, so I got her a friend."

I roll my eyes, but I'm too weak to say no. Together we carry the wooden box with the two ducklings into the small room off the kitchen. Bella gets them situated with their food and water while I stand there like a helpless idiot.

"How do you know all this? I mean how do you know what they need?"

"I asked the people at the store," she responds, as if it was the dumbest question.

Within minutes, the two little ducks are snuggled up together, fast asleep. I can't look away.

Bella pulls on one of the belt loops of my jeans and it's the sexiest fucking thing of my entire life. "Come on," she nods towards the sliding glass door.

I follow her wordlessly outside. Everything is warm and orange and buzzing.

We sit out in the willow until it's dark. She tells me stories about growing up in the suburbs and I tell her about log splitters, the horses on the Bradley farm with their crazy eyes, and an old coyote that used to hunt on her property before there was a house there.

And then we just sit and listen to the night. This birthday is better than any other. Better than when I'm left to my own devices.

Sometimes she just stares at me and she looks like she's about to say something but she doesn't.

She swings her dangling, bare legs back and forth. "I should probably get home."

"I'll walk you to the fence."

The stars are out, the air still warm. It's quiet and loud. There are too many things I want to say.

Bella's fingertips run across the top of the grass that is just starting to turn from green to yellow. I wonder what her hands would feel like on my bare skin.

She looks up into the black sky. "The weather is so sexy tonight."

I laugh without meaning to. "Weather can't be sexy."

"Why not?" she asks with the widest smile.

"It just can't. Weather is not sexy." You are sexy. Your hair is sexy. Your lips and the way you fucking smile is sexy.

She twirls around in the grass, laughing at nothing and everything. Her skirt spins around with her. I want to keep her right here. I don't want to watch her climb back over that fence.

She stops abruptly, eying me like she always does when she wants to ask me something. "What's your favorite day?"

"What?"

"Your favorite day ever." Her skinny arms flail dramatically through the air. I can't help but smile. My favorite day ever is when she wears a tank top and a skirt.

"I don't have one."

And she's somehow holding my hand. "You have to." Her own smile is gone. Her fingers don't stop moving against my own.

"Fine, this one," I whisper.

"It can't be," she whispers back, before taking my other hand, wrapping her fingers around mine.

"Why not?"

"Because it can't!"

Her eyes are all big and shining and Bella. I want to give her a favorite day. I try to find one. I close my eyes.

It seems like entire minutes have passed, and I can't come up with anything that won't make me sound pathetic.

I leave my eyes closed and concentrate on the feeling of her fingers. She smells like springtime and girl. And maybe the tiniest bit like baby ducks. The thought makes me smile again and I can't remember ever feeling this happy about nothing at all.

And then I can feel her breath on my face and I don't dare open my eyes. It's like the world is spinning too quickly, or maybe it has stopped all together.

Her lips are right there and as much as I want to swallow her whole, I don't move. I don't fucking move. Until there is the slightest pressure, her lips against mine, and there is nothing that could keep me from kissing her back.

It's soft and quiet, and just lips on lips. It only lasts seconds, when I want it to last until the day I die.

I blink twice, in shock that she actually kissed me. "Why did you do that?" I whisper against her face.

She holds her fingers up to her own lips and the look in her eyes tells me that she doesn't know. "I think I wanted to."

I hold her hands tighter. "Do it again."

"No," she smiles back.

"Please?"

Her eyes go fierce. "Quit smoking."

"Done."

"Don't lie to me."

"I won't. I'm not."

She gives me a quick peck on the lips, and before I can grab ahold of her she's running across the star thistle, swinging her legs over the white fence that didn't used to be there.

She stands up on one of the thick fence posts, cupping her hands over her mouth. Her hair twists in the breeze as she shouts, "Happy birthday, Edward!" as loud as she possibly can. I can't help but laugh. I watch her as she jumps down.

She doesn't turn around again before she closes herself up in her beautiful, perfect house.

-HL-

A/N:

Susan betas and sometimes calls me a drama queen (only when I deserve it).

Kim prereads and never calls me a drama queen (because she knows I would cry).

CC gives me things like sexy weather (I'm a thief).

Thanks for loving on this story. I know it's not the easiest read and I'm glad you're here!

Two stories I wish you were reading with me: Hold Me Down by peristew and Stubborn Love by VampiresHavebeagles. Please?

Chapter five will be up within the week :)