The Last Night
I toss and turn in my bed but no matter how hard I try, my nerves won't let me sleep. I'm wide awake as I lay in my bed thinking about what is in store for us tomorrow. No matter how much we trained this past week I don't think I've ever felt so unprepared for something in my life. I've watched the Games every year but I still don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, mostly because they change the arena's location every year.
I think I would feel better if I talked to Eren. So I swing my legs off the bed and go open my door. It's dark in the rest of our apartment and deadly silent and I quietly make my way to Eren's room. But when I get there his door is wide open and his room is empty. Confused, I stare at it for a few seconds. Maybe he went to the bathroom, I think and go to look towards the bathroom but that is also dark and empty.
"He's not here." A voice calls out from the darkness that startles me so much I almost scream.
"What?" I'm able to manage after I realize it's only Levi.
"He left."
And I almost scream again because it's so dark I couldn't even see that Levi had moved and was now standing right in front of me and the eerie thing was I didn't even hear him move.
"Where did he go?" I ask.
"Do you really think I am a terrible person?" He must be thinking about what happened during my interview.
I am suddenly very grateful for this darkness so he cannot see the redness that has crept up to my face. Levi is so close and I can feel his breath on my face and the warmth coming off of his body. And I am suddenly very self-conscious of the thin pajamas that I'm wearing and I cross my arms over my chest. His breath smells like stale alcohol and to prove my theory I can hear him take a drink from a flask.
"You're drinking?" I ask, ignoring his last question.
"I always drink the night before the Games." Despite being drunk, Levi's voice is still low and calm, like always. "Tell me, because I'm very curious, what is your plan if the last two left are you and Eren and everyone else is dead? Are you going to force Eren to kill you? Because if I know one thing for sure, is that boy cares for you too much to kill you and he won't do it."
I close my eyes to try and clear my head. I try not to think about how close Levi is to me. I try not to think about Eren stabbing me in the heart or the look in his eyes as he does so. I try not to think about that small inch that only separates Levi from me. I take a deep breath and open my eyes. I can just make out Levi's face in front of mine. I can faintly see that he's staring intently into my eyes. "That's easy," I explain, "I will just take my own life."
Through the darkness I can almost see a pained look cross Levi's features and finally he whispers, "Eren said something about going to the roof."
"Thank you," I tell him and make my way to the door. But my hand hovers just above the handle and I stop and turn back towards Levi. There has been a question that has been bothering me since the train ride. "Levi," I call out.
"Yes?" I'm relieved that his voice sounds far away and that he didn't follow me.
"Why don't you have a last name?" I wouldn't have been able to say this in the light and for some reason it's easier to ask when I can't see him.
Levi is quiet and I don't think that he's going to answer but then he says, "Because I never knew who my family was. I'm pretty sure they died trying to flee to the underground village when I was just a baby. I grew up on the streets underground and I didn't want to get involved with anyone just in case something would happen to me and they went after the people who I would have shared a last name with. So I remained anonymous and family-less but that didn't stop the Capitol. Instead, they just killed everyone. They didn't even give them a second chance to start a new life in the Districts. And they made me watch as everyone died and forced me to listen to their screams. Everyone who survived underground to try and live a normal life died because of me."
I turn back to the door and grasp the handle. "I'm sorry for all the things that they've done to you. And no, I don't think you are a terrible person. It is the Capitol, who is terrible."
It's silent for a long time and I'm just about to leave when I suddenly hear him very quietly reply, "Thank you."
I find Eren on the roof just like Levi said he would be. It is incredibly hard to get up here. There is no doorway so I have to go through the window and climb up the side of the wall to get to the slanted, shingled roof. I'm surprised Eren didn't hurt himself doing it.
"You could get in big trouble wandering around without a Military Police escort," I say as I go sit next to him on the edge, our feet dangling over the side.
"I know. I just couldn't sleep," Eren replies.
"You too, huh?" I look out over the landscape and it is very beautiful. From this high up I can overlook the whole Capitol and there is rolling hills that go on for miles and in the very far distance I can make out Wall Sina. And I just notice that there is a river that separates District One from the Capitol. The view makes my very sad for an unexplained reason and I look up at the greying sky. It's probably almost dawn and the sun will rise soon.
"I'm scared, Mikasa."
I look down and see his hand resting next to mine so I cover his hand with mine and gently squeeze. "I am too."
Eren looks at me in shock. "You are afraid too? But you are never afraid of anything."
"I'm not afraid for myself and I'm not afraid to die, Eren. I've accepted my death and I'm ready for that. I'm afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid of what will happen to you after I'm gone," I confess.
Eren twists his hand around so that our fingers are now entwined. "I'm glad you're here with me, Mikasa. I don't think I could have done this alone," he tells me and I rest my head on his shoulder.
I'm not sure if I had fallen asleep or not but the next thing I know is that Eren gently nudges me and I sit up.
"If only Armin could see this," Eren marvels.
And I see the sun just starting to show over Wall Sina and cast a beautiful orange light over all the hills and the river starts to shine. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life and I think of how beautiful the world actually is but it is also merciless and cruel. But the mention of Armin has made me realize how terribly homesick I am. And sadness settles over me, thinking I will never see my friend again or Hannes. I will never see my home again.
Eren must be feeling homesick too because he mumbles, "I want to go home."
"You will," I assure him.
Eren then stands and hauls me up with him. "We better get back to our room before everyone comes looking for us," he states. "We should try and get a couple hours of sleep before they come and get us."
I agree and we make our way down the side of the castle. I make it down without a problem but Eren slips a couple times but is able to catch himself and we both safely make it back through the window. We have to sneak back to our suite because now that its morning there are more people moving around and if we are caught without our escorts we would be in serious trouble. But we make it back without a problem.
Eren goes into his room to try and get some sleep and I make my way to my room. But I pass by Levi who is passed out on the couch with the empty flask in his hand. I stop for just a second to observe him. He grimaces when he sleeps and grinds his teeth. I can only guess that his nights are plagued with nightmares like mine. After all he's had to go through there is no way you wouldn't have nightmares. He probably drinks the night before the Games because for the past five years he's had to watch the kids he mentored get slaughtered just like everyone from his village.
He suddenly groans and his eyes flutter open. Feeling guilty for watching him, I hurriedly turn and bolt into my room. I lay back down into my bed and sleep comes easier to me this time, even if it is only for a few hours. And for the first time since my parent's death I have a dreamless sleep.