CHAPTER EIGHT: THE GIRL I KISS

The Country

Before

I am everything she wants. At least that's what it feels like when she's standing in front of me with her lips against mine.

It's been two weeks since she kissed me. That's a lie. It's been three hours since she kissed me. It's been two weeks since she kissed me the first time. Since my birthday.

I had convinced myself it was a pity kiss, or a birthday kiss. A one-time thing. But I was wrong. She lets me kiss her in her car, and behind school, and in the willow tree.

My last class of the day is study hall. I skip it because I can't sit in that classroom and do nothing for nearly an hour. They don't let you sleep in study hall and I don't know what else I'm supposed to do there.

The wind howls through the trees as I walk to Bella's car. I have fifty minutes to kill.

I sit on the hood of her Mercedes, waiting for her. I don't start walking home after school anymore. Not when we can sit in her car in the parking lot and make out for half an hour before driving home. Walking is for suckers.

The stupid crows jump from tree to tree, screaming and shouting about nothing. Maybe they hate the wind as much as I do. I wish Bella would hurry up.

I have a lighter and a half empty pack of cigarettes in one pocket, a pack of gum in the other. I rest my hand over the one with the cigarettes. But she'll taste them on my tongue and she won't let me kiss her if I've been smoking. So I go for the gum. I chew two pieces, as if two is somehow better than one.

I watch for her, desperation taking hold of me, even though I just saw her a few hours ago. Even though she let me kiss her for nearly our entire lunch break, my knuckles raw from holding the back of her head as I pressed her against the brick wall behind the main building.

When the last bell finally rings, I wait anxiously as everyone pours out of the school. There is no sign of Bella.

I'm agitated that she isn't next to me, that she isn't touching me. And then I see her, laughing, her hair in her face and an arm draped over her shoulder. My very own walking, breathing nightmare.

I want to kill him. I want to rip that fucking arm off of his body and shove it down his throat.

I spit my gum in the bushes and scrutinize her face. I want to know if she looks at him the way she looks at me.

I remember what she said about him. He's not my boyfriend. Is he the boy she kisses? Are we the same?

She looks indifferent, or bored. This is what I tell myself. But he looks smug. The little fucker looks like he thinks she belongs to him.

She catches my eye, her smile falling as she stares. She looks confused and then almost angry. As if I'm the one with a girl draped all over me. It's probably because I'm sitting on her fucking car and she hates that.

I jump to my feet and look away. Because I cannot stand the sight of him touching her. And if I look at him any longer, I'm going to bash his face in. First with my fist and then with that metal He-Man lunch box he used to carry around when we were in kindergarten.

With my back to them, I grip the door handle to Bella's car like it's going to save my life. I wish she'd unlock the doors so I could hide inside her shiny car. I can hear her keys jangling behind me, but she doesn't unlock the doors.

I listen to her say goodbye to him and I hope he gets hit by a truck.

I avoid eye contact as she walks around to the driver's side of the car, focusing on the angry crows in the trees. I can see her out of the corner of my eye, staring me down. Waiting for something.

"Hey."

I ignore her. Anything I say right now will be terrible.

"Edward," she presses, as if I didn't hear her the first time.

I exhale once before I surrender and turn to face her. There is fire in her eyes as she glares at me over the roof of her car.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Are you my girlfriend?" I ask stupidly.

Her face up to the sky, she laughs. She fucking laughs. She's so beautiful when she does it, I want to scream. I feel like my ribcage is splitting down the middle and the contents of my chest are spilling all over the asphalt.

"Edward." It almost sounds like she's scolding me.

"Forget it."

She unlocks the door and I'm inside, caging myself in before she can say another word. She stands next to the car for too long before opening the door and throwing her backpack into the back seat.

She sits beside me, on expensive leather and I want to say a millions things that she won't like.

"Why do you have to do that?" she scowls at me.

"Do what?"

"Ruin everything."

I want to tell her to get used to it. I pull a cigarette from my pocket instead, feeling marginally worse as I hold it, unlit between my lips.

"Light that in my car and you're walking," she threatens. I know she means it and I don't care.

I refuse to look at her. I hold my lighter tight in my hand, my thumb pressing against rough metal, threatening to really ruin. Maybe two weeks is all I get. To feel like I'm deserving of her smile and her words and her lips.

But it's not nearly enough time. I'm too selfish. I tap the tip of my cigarette with my tongue and close my eyes.

Ripping it from my mouth, I throw it out the window. I feel crazy. I feel like I'm losing my mind and I wish she'd make it stop. I keep my eyes closed and press the back of my head against the headrest.

"He's just my friend, Edward."

"Yeah, and apparently so am I," I snap back.

"No."

"Then what?"

"You're not just anything, okay?"

"I don't know what that means, Bella."

She throws her head back, blinking at the roof of her car. "It means I don't want you to be just my friend."

I can finally breathe, even though she hasn't really given me anything.

"What do you want, Bella?"

She looks like she's in pain. "I want to kiss you."

Kiss me. Fucking do it.

"I'm afraid of this," she says, motioning between us. She's afraid. She makes no sense. She's been doing nothing but kiss me for weeks.

"Close your eyes," she pleads. But I don't want to close my eyes. I want to look at her while I kiss her.

I want her to let me.

We both shift in our seats, facing each other and I don't know why it feels like it's over when it hasn't even started.

We just stare at each other and she looks so sad. Sadder than I've ever seen her. I brush the hair from her eyes and lean in to her. Her lashes flutter against my face and it feels so good, but not as good as kissing her would feel.

"Please don't be afraid of me," I whisper against her cheek.

"You're not the one I'm afraid of."

I don't know what that means.

"Close your eyes," she pleads again.

So I do it. I close my eyes and hold her face in my hands. She smells good enough to bite.

I can feel her lips hovering over mine and I tell myself that if she kisses me, that I'll just kiss her forever. I'll kiss her for the rest of my life in this car because her kisses are all I want.

I'm holding my breath until I'm not anymore. Until she's kissing me.

Her lips are soft against mine and it's like she's telling me things that she won't say with words.

I feel alive.

I want to slip my hands up her shirt, but I just pull at her bottom lip instead. I suck and press and she tastes so good, I feel high. I feel like I'm floating. With my tongue in her mouth, I want to strip her naked. I want to take and grab and make her mine.

Frantic kisses slow down, but I still hold on to her like she might try to slip away. We sit in the school parking lot, forehead to forehead, without speaking. Until she grabs for her keys, starts the ignition and drives us home.

And that's it. I'm pretty sure we're done. Over.

My cigarettes are burning a hole in my pocket the entire drive. I wish she'd say something.

She parks at her house. I want to stomp on her mother's flowers and kick a huge dent in that beautiful gold car.

I face my house in the distance with my fists clenched. "I don't know how to take care of the ducks." It's all I have at this point.

"I know," she assures me, her voice calm. I want to look at her, but I can't. Until she's several steps ahead of me, walking toward that filthy house.

"Aren't you coming?" she asks.

"I thought..."

"What did you think?"

I stare at the incredulous look on her face. "I don't know. I don't know what I thought," I lie.

We walk across the field side by side. She doesn't touch me. I wish she would. Just her hand. I just want one hand.

She walks slightly in front of me as we walk up the steps of the back deck, each board creaking and moaning underneath our feet.

I don't know how she stands so tall when she is so small.

The ducklings aren't small anymore. They make a huge mess during the day when we're at school. Watching her clean up after them is part of our afternoon routine. I watch her fold up all of the soiled newspaper and lay down fresh sheets. I watch her change their water and refill their food. They squawk at her like she's their mother.

"I think they might be big enough to start living outside soon," she smiles, like she's proud that they're growing up.

We take them outside to waddle around in the sunshine and they follow Bella around and around.

And I just watch her. It's almost like before. When we weren't even friends and I would only stare.

I wait for her to catch me and when she does, I don't look away. There is a hunger in her eyes and I tell myself that I am not simply seeing what I want to see.

She's not smiling anymore. Her mouth looks almost tortured, like it's tangled around too many words. She walks towards me, until the toes of her shoes are flush against mine.

"Close your eyes," she begs.

I close them up the second she asks. I leave them closed as the seconds tick past.

I leave them closed as she weaves her fingers into my hair, her fingernails against my scalp. As she leans into me, up on her tip toes. As she buries her face in my neck.

I leave them closed as I wrap my own arms around her. As I run my own lips over her face and her soft, soft skin.

I would willingly be blind forever if she would kiss me right now.

"What are we going to do about this?" she whispers.

She says it like this is a problem. Again, I don't know what she means.

I kiss along her face until I find her mouth. "You're going to kiss me, and I'm going to kiss you." I smile against her lips but she doesn't smile back. Because to her, it's not that simple.

Holding my shirt in her fists, "Edward, who am I to you?"

You're everything. "You're just the girl I kiss." Eyes still closed.

"Edward."

Eyes open. "What?"

"You promised not to lie to me."

"I'm not." I am. Of course I am. I love you. One day I'll tell you.

"I have to go home for dinner, but do you want to... come with me?" she asks, nervousness and hope in her voice.

I can't believe she's asking me to have dinner with her parents.

I lie and tell that her my dad wants me home for dinner. She sees the lie but she doesn't ask again.

I can't meet her parents. They will try to take her from me. They will. I've never spoken to either of them, but they won't like the fact that she lets me kiss her. I can tell by the way her mother waters the flowers along their front walk and the way her father always parks his car in the garage.

They will hate everything that I am.

She kisses me on the cheek. On the fucking cheek. And with a good night, she's gone. I watch her walk across the field and I feel hollow.

I don't want to go back to the empty, quiet house.

I stand out on the deck with two little ducks behind me. I let them swim in the pool. With my feet in the water, I smoke half a pack. The sun long down, I microwave a frozen dinner and go to sleep.

It's past midnight when the front door slams, shaking the entire house and rattling my bones. I lie still in my bed trying to assess how drunk he is. He doesn't knock anything over as he walks to his room at the end of the hall, his heavy footsteps pounding in my ears. Everything goes quiet. I lie wide awake. I don't know how it's possible to feel lonelier now that I know he is home.

I wait until I'm sure he's passed out before I pull my blankets back and tiptoe to the door. I press my ear against the hollow wood just to make sure. But there's nothing.

The door slides against the carpet as I open it. I stand motionless for a minute before walking slowly down the hall.

He left his bedroom door open. I stand on the one step that leads into his room with the pink wallpaper that matches the carpet. Staring into the dark, I can just make out his sleeping form, face down on top of the blankets. I can see his body rise and fall with each breath.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll find him dead in this very room.

I walk back down the hall, not caring about my footsteps now that I know he's dead to the world. But I don't go back to my room.

The moon is full, lighting the living room, an eerie glow falling over the furniture.

I stand in front of the sliding glass door in the kitchen. It's almost bright out.

And then I see her. Barely dressed. Sitting out on the fence post that separates her parents' property from ours.

My entire body aches for her.

The night is loud here, insects and frogs competing with the sound of the violent wind.

Her white tank top practically glows in the moonlight. She has her arms wrapped around herself, her hair down and wild. My heart beats erratically, worried about her out here in the middle of the night.

I set out across the star thistle, the bastard weed biting at my bare feet as I walk.

She doesn't see me until I'm practically in front of her, her whole body startled by the sight of me. "I thought you were a coyote," she laughs nervously, steadying herself on the fence post.

Sometimes I feel like one. Like I'm trying to hunt her down.

"It's just me."

I stay a foot away, even though I want to wrap her up and squeeze her tight.

I can't help but stare at her chest as she unfolds her arms, picking at the tall grass. And maybe weather can be sexy.

"Are you okay? What are you doing out here? It's the middle of the night."

"I couldn't sleep. I sit out here sometimes." She runs a dried piece of grass between her fingertips, staring at it instead of me.

"In the dark?"

I watch her twirl the grass, something obviously on her mind. "I'm sorry," she says almost too loudly.

"Sorry for what?"

"For today."

"You're sitting out here in the middle of the night because you feel bad that you don't want to be my girlfriend?"

"No." She shakes her head, a frustrated smile spreading across her face. "I refuse to be like them, okay?"

I nod, even though I don't really know who she means.

"My parents fell in love when they were in high school."

She said love.

"I can't be like them, Edward. I can't."

I don't know how we could ever be like her parents. I will never own a car as expensive as the one her father drives. I will probably never own a house or go to college. I am not what they are.

"They don't even sleep in the same bed," she groans, her arm covering her eyes like she's embarrassed.

As if she has any idea what it means to be embarrassed by one's parents and what they are.

She doesn't want the two of us to be like the two of them. I can't help but smile at the thought of us in a house with a garage and flowers out front that Bella waters religiously. I know that's not what she means, but it's what I hear. It's what I see. And what I will never be able to have.

She jumps down from the fence post, curling her arms around her chest again. She stands there expectantly and I want to steal her away. I want to kiss her lips raw and fuck her in the tall grass.

I reach my hand out tentatively, afraid of my own thoughts, my own impulses. Fighting against the wind, I brush the hair from her face. I hold that face in my hands and feel her entire body melt into mine. We stand out in the field, with her arms around me and my lips to the top of her head until she starts to sway with sleep.

I pull away, ready to tell her to go to bed, but she holds me against her. "Don't go."

She blinks up at me and she looks so young, so pretty, so innocent. I give her a small nod. Without any words she starts to walk toward my house, leading me by the hand. I am the one who follows her. Up the stairs of the back deck. Through the door to the kitchen. Down the hall. To my bedroom.

I watch her as she kicks off her flip flops and crawls beneath my sheets.

Bella is in my bed.

I think about her parents and their separate beds and how that is the worst part of them.

They will hate everything that I am.

-HL-

A/N:

Susan and Kim make it better. I will love them for always. And always.

I want to give you all a great big hug.

There won't be an update next Monday as I'll be out of town doing incredibly boring things. Instead I'll give you a teaser for Ch 9. If you want the teaser, make sure you're signed in when you review or I won't be able to send a PM. And if you don't want the teaser, just let me know.

See you in two weeks :)