The Nightmare
I am fully awake now but they have me strapped down to a bed for my own safety or so they tell me because I'm not sure if it's for my safety or their own. I haven't seen anybody except for nurses or doctors and I don't even know how long I've been here. There's tubes going into my arms and my nose and I constantly hear the sound of a monitor beeping to my beating heart. I am unable to talk but I don't know if it's because I am physically unable to or I just down want to. The doctors keep asking me questions which I have no replies to so I just keep silent and ignore them.
"Does anywhere hurt?" Everywhere hurts. But I can't describe what kind of a hurt it is.
"Are you uncomfortable anywhere?" I'm in a room full of strangers from a place that just ordered me to kill innocent lives, my skin itches from how uncomfortable I am.
"Do you need anything?" I need to get out of here.
"Do you remember everything?" If only I could forget.
"Do you want anything?" I want Eren.
I am finally healthy enough to leave and I am more than ready to leave this sterile, nightmarish room and I place my feet onto solid ground for the first time. Nurses surround me just in case my legs give out from not using them in so long. They are a bit shaky but I'm able to walk on my own. They open the door for me and two Military Policemen are waiting for me in the hall to escort me to my room.
Standing behind them though, I notice a familiar figure. He steps forward in front of the guards and my legs begin to shake harder as he gives me a small, sad, half smile. "Hey, brat." And suddenly, I'm not sure how it happened, but I'm in Levi's arms and despite his size he feels extremely strong and solid, which is what I need right now because I feel like the ground is caving in around me. How am I supposed to go home and face everyone without Eren? It fully dawns on me now that Eren is gone forever and I'll never see him again. And I cling onto Levi tighter and his arms tighten around me as I sob into his neck before I can stop myself.
"I don't want to talk about it!" I say stubbornly. Hanji has just told me that my victory interview is tomorrow and they're going to want me to talk about my experience in the Games. But I never want to think about that again, let alone talk about it. I also have to meet with Ida tonight to figure out what I'm wearing for the interview.
"I know this must be hard for you. But you need to be brave, Mikasa." Hanji tells me. I sigh and nod. I know it's inescapable. Hopefully they don't want me to go into too much detail about what happened. Hanji then pats my hand and gets up to leave. I stand to follow her but Levi, who has just been sitting in silence this whole time, grabs my arm and pulls me back down to sit next to him. I stare at him curiously.
"The leaders of the Capitol are not too happy with you." He says looking me dead in the eye. "You've become a threat to them. So during your interview do not say anything that might provoke them."
"How am I a threat to the Capitol?" I ask confounded.
"Your strength has inspired many, and not only that but what you also symbolize. There are people in the outer Walls that say you are the next Wings of Freedom and will free them from the Capitol and these Walls," Levi remarks.
"But I didn't mean for any of this to happen! I'm not involved with any of it!" I groan. It's not my fault that the people are using me as their symbol. I didn't ask for any of it.
"It also has a little to do with what you said after that girl from Five was killed," Levi adds.
"Sasha?" I murmur. I told her that she didn't deserve to die. And that she didn't deserve to be in these Games. Are people now finally starting to realize this just because I said so?
"The Capitol fears a rebellion is starting and that you are the sole cause for it. Along with my mentoring of course," Levi says harshly. "All I'm saying is to just be careful during your interview."
"You shouldn't worry about what Levi says. He's just being dramatic like always," Hanji tells me. We're in my styling room waiting for Ida. Ever since I left the healing rooms Hanji hasn't left my side. At first I thought it was really annoying and unnecessary but now I realize I'm really grateful for it. Hanji has kept me grounded and has made sure that I don't come apart at the seams.
"Hanji's right, you shouldn't worry about what Levi says," Ida announces as she finally enters the room. "But just in case, we do need to be careful. We don't want to upset the Capitol leaders any farther. So your outfit needs to be carefully chosen. "
We decided on a light pink dress. It's short that stops just above my knees. I look at myself in the mirror after Ida had me fitted in the dress. The dress makes me look young and innocent. You would never have guessed that I've killed five people. This is my first time looking in a mirror since before the Games and I can already see major changes in me. Although the doctors were able to get me fully nourished again, I can still see my bones sticking out in places where they normally wouldn't, thanks to not eating enough in the Games and the intense stress from it. My cheeks are hallowed out, my shoulders look weak and boney, my waist is too tiny, and my ribs are clearly visible through the fabric of the dress. My hair has no shine and there's no life left in my dark eyes. The Games really did a number on me. They wanted to fix me up to look decent for the interview but is this really all they can do for me? I touch the back of my head where the stitches once were. They fixed my head and my back and got me healthy again but I still feel empty inside. Is this what beauty is to the Capitol?
I touch the deep scar on my cheek bone that Annie gave me at the river. The doctors told me that they had ointments that would fade my scar and it would eventually disappear. But I told them I'd keep my scars. It's a reminder of how I did all I could to protect Eren and also it will remind me how cruel the Capitol is.
I thought I was ready for my interview and to face all those people but I'm really not. I don't want to talk about the Games; I don't want to answer their questions. I'm waiting behind the stage and Dot Pixis is about to announce me to the stage. But I don't want to go.
Suddenly, Hanji grabs my hand and smiles at me and Levi puts a hand on my shoulder. I am immediately calmed. I thought I had lost my family and I was all alone again, but I'm not completely alone, not anymore. I forgot I have Hanji and Levi, who have stood by my side no matter what. They don't judge or shy away from me because of what I had done in the Games. They are here for me.
Dot calls me up onto stage and I thank my team and head up to face the Capitol. I sit down in the chair next to Dot's and the applause is the loudest I've ever heard and it still hasn't died down. I know I shouldn't glare at the audience, even though I want to, so I just smile as sweetly as I can and hope it looks convincing. The Capitol sure does love their Victors. Once the noise has died down, Dot smiles at me, "What a turn of events!" He laughs. "Everyone loves an underdog! But before we begin the interview, the Game-makers have put together a video of your highlights. Shall we take a look?"
The lights dim down and a giant screen flashes to life and I squirm in my seat. I don't want to watch this. But the video plays anyways. It mostly shows me fighting other tributes and when I'm at my most merciless. 'Annie. Fall.' It shows me torturing Bertholdt but cuts out the part where I cry and say that I'm sorry. It doesn't even show most of my time with Jean and they cut out when I cried for Sasha and told her she didn't deserve to die. But it does show Eren's death and it shows how I didn't even cry for him. And that was the hardest thing I've ever watched. It then shows me decapitating Ymir. They saved my fight with Reiner for last but I noticed they cut out the part where Reiner says that it's the Capitols fault why he's like this. And then they show me plunging the dagger into his heart.
The lights come back on and I can't help but wonder if they purposely made me look like I was a merciless killing machine. Even so, I still smile and wave at the audience as they cheer once the video is over. I need to look as innocent as possible if I'm going to survive this.
"Wow, Mikasa!" Dot says, drawing my attention back to him. "You were truly impressive! One of the best fighters I've ever seen!" I try to smile sweetly but each second I'm up here it's getting harder and harder. Dot continues, "Tell me, Mikasa, there have been rumors that you actually volunteered because you knew you could win. You knew from the start that you are an excellent fighter and could win the Games easily. You never really wanted to protect Eren because from the look of it, he died without you even trying to save him. Now, is this all true? Are these rumors accurate?"
I feel like I'm going to be sick. Is this really what people thought? Is this how they actually picture me as a merciless, killing machine, with no heart for anyone but myself? Did they even show me as I screamed for Eren or how I wept for the other Players while they filmed us live?
"Of course not!" I practically scream. "Eren was the only family I had left and I would do anything to bring him back! I would give up everything, even my own life, if there was a way for him to live again! My sole purpose in the Games was to protect him!"
Murmurs start going around the crowd and Dot looks at me very knowingly. "Mikasa," he says softly, "were you in love Eren?"
It feels like my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. What a simple question to such a complicated emotion. Of course I loved Eren but was I in love with him? Did I love Eren more than just a childhood friend? Do I even know what love is? I know there were many things I loved about Eren. I loved his smile, the color of his eyes, his laugh, how he always knew how to make me feel better, or the way his hand felt in mine. I can't believe I never realized this before.
"Yes," my voice breaks, "yes I was." And I still am.
The train ride home is a long one. I don't know how I'm supposed to face everyone without Eren. Will they think I didn't even try to protect Eren like the Capitol did? Will they hate me for it? What will Hannes and Armin think? And what am I supposed to do now that Eren's not with me?
Levi's been strangely distant since my interview. We haven't spoken a word to each other yet. But I do have Hanji, who's been a big help but she won't be with me for long because after the train drops Levi and me off, she will have to return to the Capitol. It was sad saying goodbye to Ida but she assured me that I would see her again in six months when the Victor is supposed to go on their Victory Tour. I have to admit that I'm not the least bit excited for that, even if I get to see Ida and Hanji again. But I don't have time to worry about the Tour six months from now because in a couple hours I'll be back in District Six and put in a strange new home. The only good thing I can take from this is the food and wealth I will bring to the people in my District.
I'm standing at the very end of the train watching as the sun sets behind Wall Rose. I'm starting to hate these Walls just as much as Eren did. But it's the Capitol that fuels my hatred for them. I then remember what Levi told me about the rumors that have been spreading in the outer Walls. About how they call me the Wings of Freedom and I'm supposed to lead them out of the Capitols power. I can't help but laugh at the ridiculousness of that. I am no leader and I never will be.
"What are you laughing at?"
I turn and Levi comes to stand next to me at the back of the train. His face is unreadable as he stares at me with those black eyes. And I only shrug. "I'm just ready to get back to my normal life. No more Capitol, no more fancy clothes or food. I just want to go back to normal."
Levi's brows furrow and he looks away from me and out at the sunset. "Your life will never be normal again. Everything is going to be much different now. Are you ready for that?" he asks.
I look back out at the setting sun too. I know Levi had to go through the same things as I am now. So he knows better than anyone else that I know about what is in store for me. "No. I'm not. But do I have any other choice?"
Out of the corner of my eye I see Levi just barely smirk. "No. From now on, nothing will be your choice. You'll always have the Capitol choosing for you. That is the life of a Victor."
Everything is about to change now. And I'm not sure if I'm prepared for this new life ahead of me. But I know one thing for sure. I will continue to fight and to live for as long as I'm alive. At least I can keep that promise to Eren. Even if that means my new life before me is a living nightmare. And I suddenly remember the last words Reiner ever said when he whispered to me before he died.
Rise. And destroy the real enemy.
End
...The story will continue in the fall with The Wings of Freedom