CHAPTER FOURTEEN: HER FATHER
The Country
Before
I am a high school graduate and I am buck naked.
I'm not alone.
I desperately need a smoke, but the prettiest girl is asleep next to me with her hair draped over my pillow.
Bella stirs, but doesn't open her eyes. She's sleeping on my left arm and we're naked. Naked naked. I'm glad that this bed wasn't made for two.
I try to lie still so that I can watch her a little bit longer. She doesn't let me stare when she's awake.
I almost can't believe that last night really happened. Taking off her clothes. Touching her everywhere. Listening to her beg. Being inside of her.
I want to run my thumb over her bottom lip. Or my palm over her tits. But I don't do either. I'm too afraid to ruin it.
The sheet is lying across her and she looks so peaceful. So young. But no longer innocent.
I watch her face until the sun is shining so bright that the entire room looks like it's on fire.
"Morning," I whisper as her eyes eventually blink open. She curls into my side and presses her warm, sleepy body flush against mine. She feels like nothing I've ever known.
I can't help but kiss her forehead. Her eyelids. I want to kiss them open. I want to see her brown, brown eyes and make sure she is the same girl she was yesterday.
And yet, I'm afraid she will open her eyes and they will be filled with nothing but regret. For last night and for all of the days that came before.
When she finally does look at me, I can't tell what she feels or thinks or wants.
I should ask her if she's okay, if it was good for her, if she'll stay forever. Instead, I say nothing. I kiss the tip of her nose and just breathe.
Her eyes flutter closed and stay that way for an extra beat. When she opens them, they are like the sun, shining so bright that it hurts to look straight at her.
I want to tell her that I love her, but she wouldn't like it, so I kiss the corner of her mouth. Maybe she'll be able to feel it. Maybe I can say it without having to speak it.
A lazy smile pulls at her lips, making everything right, but it quickly fades. She wants to say something and without knowing what it is, I'm sure that I won't want to hear it.
"Bella?"
She looks away from me, staring at the popcorn ceiling. "We can't do that again, Edward."
Her voice presses down on my chest.
I want to tell her that she's wrong. I want to hide from her.
"I mean, without a condom." And she's looking at me now.
Oh.
Thank fuck.
She keeps talking, nervously stumbling over her words, and I realize that I haven't said anything at all. "I don't want a baby," she goes on. "We can't be parents. We just can't... be that stupid, okay?"
Her eyes are wide now. Too wide. Like the moon.
"Okay, yeah," I promise her.
We lie side by side in suffocating silence. I just want her to touch me. I want to feel her heartbeat. But I want more than that. I want last night all over again.
The front door slams shut, rattling the entire house. Bella startles next to me, her eyes darting to my closed bedroom door. And the look on her face is like everything is about to come crashing down.
My dad hasn't been home in days. I don't want to think about where he's been or what he's been doing or who he's been doing it with.
"Don't worry, he'll pass out in a few minutes," I whisper into her hair.
Bella's entire body is rigid, like she's afraid of him. I guess I would be too, if I didn't know how pathetic he is.
I pull her back into my side. Her skin against mine seems to relax her.
"Is he going to check on you?" she whispers, completely serious.
I almost laugh. "No."
"How do you know?"
"Trust me."
We lie still until the house is quiet. Bella doesn't ask me where he's been. I somehow doubt that her father stumbles in midmorning and passes out without a word to anyone.
Her hand brushes my thigh, and that's all it takes for me to want her. Her mouth and her hands and her body.
"What do you want to do today?" Her voice is so fucking sexy.
"This," I tell her, kissing along her neck. Pressing my lips to her pulse.
Her fingers run over my forehead, into my hair, and I love that hand. "I'm being serious, Edward."
"So am I," I assure her, my lips to her ear.
"I was thinking I could help you study for your driver's permit." She pulls away from me, looking at me expectantly. Like she's asking for a puppy.
"What's the point? I told you, I'm not taking driver's training."
"You don't have to. You're eighteen." When she speaks, she always sounds like she knows what she's talking about. I wish I could be like that. "All you have to do is pass the written test. Then you can practice driving with a licensed adult over the age of twenty-five."
I'm not exactly sure where I'm going to find one of those.
"My mom will do it," she offers, like it's nothing.
I wish her body was always pushed up against mine.
"Your mom is not teaching me how to drive."
"That's what moms do, Edward." It stings just a little. In my lungs.
"I already know how to drive."
"Yeah, well, when you get caught driving without a license, you'll get arrested."
"The cops around here aren't going to arrest me." Except that's a lie. They would probably jump at the chance.
Her hands still in my hair and I didn't even realize how good her fingers felt against my scalp until they stop moving.
"Is that a scar?" She scoots herself up on the bed, pulling the sheet with her, trying to see it.
And I don't want this conversation. "It's nothing."
"It doesn't feel like nothing. It feels like a huge scar," she whisper-shouts.
Her concern makes my stomach hurt.
"Oh my god, Edward. What did you do?" She tries to sit up to get a better look, but I pull her back down next to me.
"It doesn't matter. It was a long time ago. I was a kid."
I try to kiss her eyes closed. I try to kiss away all of her questions.
She smells amazing.
"Tell me, Edward." And the way she says my name, I'd tell her anything.
"Why?"
"I want to know." She says it like that's reason enough. She shouldn't care so much about things that don't matter.
"Tell me," she insists.
"You're pretty."
"No."
And when I try to kiss her she gives me her cheek instead of her lips. She knows exactly how to get what she wants.
"I got hit by a car when I was seven while I was riding my bike in the post office parking lot, alright?" This is so embarrassing.
Her eyes go wide. "You got hit by a car?"
"I don't remember it. It was an accident."
"Where were your parents?"
"Fuck if I know."
"Edward." She gives me that look like she feels sorry for me and then she smacks me in the arm. It hurts. A little.
"What was that for?"
"For your complete lack of self-preservation skills."
"My what?"
"Please stop walking in the middle of the street, Edward."
"Fine."
"Don't lie to me."
I don't want to.
"Bella, walking in the street has nothing to do with anything."
"You're wrong."
We lie quietly in my small room, in this house with pink carpet. Her fingers trace over my chest and it's my favorite day. I wish I had the nerve to tell her.
"Bella?"
"Yeah?"
"Your mom is not teaching me to drive."
She doesn't answer, but she holds me tighter. I don't know what any of it means.
My dad is irritable for the next few days. I try to stay out of the house as much as possible.
Bella and I spend the first week of summer in the tall grass underneath the willow tree. And it's kind of like how it was before, with one of us awkwardly stealing kisses from the other.
I want to ask her when we can have sex again, but I'm not sure how to say it without sounding like a total prick.
My appointment at the DMV for my driver's permit is this afternoon. Bella said she had stuff to do at home today but to come over whenever I wanted.
I've never stood on her front porch before. Everything is so clean.
I try the door knob but it's locked. So I knock. I can never tell if anyone is home, because their cars are always parked in the garage. The Swans have a four car garage. It could comfortably house a family of six.
When nobody answers, I knock again.
A lone crow sits in the gangly oak on the edge of their property. It has something in its talons. Something dead. Crows will eat anything. I am suddenly very sweaty.
When the door finally swings open, and it's not Bella standing in front of me, I want nothing more than to run.
"May I help you?" Mrs. Swan asks with a smile. It's the first time I've ever seen her up close. She has big eyes and a lot of teeth.
"Oh... yeah."
Bella pushes past her mom, taking my hand and pulling me into her perfect house. "Mom, you remember Edward."
Mrs. Swan smiles at our joined hands like she does remember, but I'm positive we've never met before.
Before I can look around, Bella's leading me up the stairs to her room.
"Is your dad home?" Please say no.
"He works late. He usually doesn't make it home for dinner."
Bella's room is different than I thought it would be. It's so grown-up. And when I look around, I don't see her.
She has all of these college brochures spread out over her bed. I try to look anywhere but her bed. Her huge bed.
She's talking about some school in the city that her parents want her to go to, but I have a hard time listening to anything she is saying. Because we are alone. In her room. With the door closed. And she's wearing this dress. I think it's blue. And she looks really fucking pretty.
She's talking with her hands and I have to kiss her right this second.
I cross the room as if it's a matter of life and death, my mouth crashing into hers. And it only takes a second before she's kissing me back. And maybe, just maybe, she wants me as much as I want her.
We are somehow on her bed. On crinkling paper. And I am pressing her to the mattress with everything I have.
I love the way our kisses sound in a quiet room. And the way her tongue feels. And the way she smells like summer.
"I missed you," she says against my lips.
And the way she misses me.
I want to consume her.
"We're going to be late," she says halfheartedly as I kiss along her jaw.
"Don't care."
She laughs and I just love everything about her.
"Edward..."
"I don't need a driver's license," I promise her, as my hand finds its way under the hem of her shirt. Her skin is so warm and soft and everything I need in the world.
There is a loud knock on the door. And we're both standing. Straightening out our clothes. Faster than I've ever done anything.
"Just a minute," Bella shouts, before standing up on her tiptoes kissing me like it's the last time she'll ever kiss me.
And then she's gone, opening her bedroom door. Her mother stands there, smiling awkwardly and looking around her daughter, scanning the room.
"Just checking to see if Edward would like to stay for dinner."
If she wasn't so nice, I'd hate her.
"I can't tonight. My dad's getting take-out," I lie.
"Another time then," she says sweetly. She still doesn't look at me and I'm grateful.
"We have to get going anyway," Bella tells her, grabbing her car keys.
I follow her down the stairs even though I want nothing more than to go back up them and lock ourselves in her room. To fuck her in that huge bed.
The DMV is two towns over and it smells like moldy cheese. Bella waits in one of those plastic orange chairs while the lady behind the counter hands me my test and a pencil. The woman looks at me like she hates me. Or maybe she just hates her life.
The lady points to the corner of the room towards a high counter. My heart is beating too fast. I feel like an idiot. For caring about a stupid driving test.
I don't even know why I'm here.
Bella smiles at me from across the room and for a brief moment, everything makes sense.
Number one: Something about speed limits in a construction zone. The words are confusing and I don't know why they are using so many to ask a simple question.
Each question is more of the same. With answers that all look wrong or all look right.
I hand my test back to the woman at the counter as soon as I've circled my last answer. She starts correcting it right there in front of me and when she's finished she looks at me like she knows me. "You can take it again in thirty days."
I stare at her as if she's not speaking English.
"That's bullshit."
She raises her eyebrows at me before shouting, "Next!"
I want a lot of things in this moment, but more than anything I wish that Bella wasn't the one who drove me here.
I need to get out of here. Now.
I head straight for the double doors and I hate her for making me do this.
The parking lot is too bright, and filled with too many cars that I'm not allowed to drive.
"Edward?"
I don't turn around. I try to shove the test in my pocket but she's too fast, taking it from me. And I can't look at her.
"You got eleven wrong? You told me you studied."
"I did!"
"Then what happened?" she presses.
"They were bullshit questions!" I scream at her. And when I turn around she's smiling. She covers her mouth, trying not to laugh and I hate her for being so perfect at everything.
The DMV garbage can is asking to be kicked. Before I do something stupid and break my foot, her hand is on my shoulder. And as much as I want to shrug it off, I don't.
"Come on, Edward, let's get out of here." She doesn't say anything else and I'm reminded of how much I love her.
She drives and drives and drives until I don't know where we are anymore. We're practically to the mountains. Something about the trees and windy roads make me feel like less of a moron. I don't know how she always knows what to do.
"Where are we?"
"Does it matter?"
We pull over at one of those rest stops along the side of the highway. I smoke out front while Bella uses the bathroom. It's not until my cigarette is almost gone that I regret it. Because I want to kiss her in that stupid shiny car and now she won't let me. I should start carrying around a toothbrush.
She watches me put out my cigarette, the strangest expression on her face. Like I'm important.
"What?" I ask her. Because I think I want to know what she sees.
"Nothing."
I follow her to the car and when she doesn't start the engine right away, I get brave and try to kiss her. Cigarette and all.
And the best part is, she lets me.
It's slow. Like I'm trying to say I'm sorry for things that aren't her fault.
She holds my face between her palms. Like everything is okay. It's more than I deserve, but I'll take it.
I could destroy her.
She crawls over the console and into my lap, pressing herself against me and it's too intentional to be misunderstood.
With her knees digging into the seat and her hands in my hair she kisses me like I'm all that matters in her world. She feels so good that I don't even care that we're both fully clothed.
She's almost frantic, her hips moving against me, making her feel. But she can't possibly feel what I feel. With her fingers against my scalp, her tongue in my mouth and my heart on the floor.
I wonder if she'll let me undress her in this rest stop parking lot.
"We should get back," she says against my mouth. And I have my answer.
"Bella?"
"Yeah?" Her face is so serious. Like it's full of secrets.
"Your mom's not teaching me to drive."
She smiles because she knows.
Mrs. Swan teaches me to drive.
She's not who I thought she'd be. She talks to me like I'm a person instead of a fuck up. She smells like hairspray and she always has snacks.
She smiles when I hold Bella's hand. She laughs when I say something that isn't supposed to be funny, and it's not even embarrassing. She's just a kind lady. And I have no idea why she's so nice to me. Maybe she's just the best liar.
She doesn't like my car, so we always take the Mercedes. Her father doesn't know.
We pull into the Swans' garage next to a car that isn't usually here. "Edward, I'd love to have you and your parents over for dinner," Mrs. Swan says confidently. Like it's not a question.
She doesn't know anything about this country town or the people who live here.
"It's just me and my dad. He usually works late."
She looks at me with the most horrified expression. "Who cooks for you?"
"Nobody really cooks."
"It's settled then. You and your father can join us for dinner tonight. My husband is grilling steaks and it's perfect weather to eat out on the back patio." She waits for my response, smiling expectantly, and it's the weirdest thing because it's almost like she's begging. "I bought extra, just in case."
"I don't know. I mean, my dad... he's not... home."
She looks at me like she knows. But she couldn't possibly know. She has a vegetable garden and flowers everywhere and she waters down the driveway. The woman cleans her fucking driveway.
"Just you then. How do you take your steak?"
My heart starts beating erratically because I don't know what that even means. And I hate my dad. For never cooking steak.
Mrs. Swan waits for my response and she smiles so kindly that I just want to get out of here.
"Medium," Bella interjects. And I love her a little bit more.
"Alright, I'll go tell your father."
She scurries away, leaving Bella and I alone in the kitchen.
"You never talk about her," she practically whispers.
"Who?"
"Your mom."
"So?"
"Is she... I mean, where is she?"
"She's not here."
My father told me once that my mother went away. Another time he said she was dead. I don't know what she is. I don't know the truth from the lie. But I do know that she's not here on a Saturday teaching me to drive. Maybe she has a different family now. Maybe she's rotting in the ground.
I have this memory of being small. The kind of small where you feel big. There was this woman at the grocery store. Bella's mom reminds me of her. I don't know why. They don't look alike or have the same smile, or the same eyes or the same voice.
Maybe the woman smelled like hairspray too.
She looked at me in a way that I think only a mother can look at her child. But maybe she was nobody and my memory is trying to convince me of things that aren't true.
Bella and I sit on the kitchen stools and talk about everything but my mother.
Mr. Swan walks in from the back patio, shaking his head the second he sees me.
He holds out his hand like he expects me to shake it. His grip is so firm that it's painful. I immediately hate him. I look him in the eye. I try to stand tall.
He hates me too. And I can't wait to give him a reason.
Mrs. Swan appears with a pitcher of lemonade. "Everything's just about ready, kids."
I follow them all out and this is the most bizarre night of my life.
Their patio table faces my dad's property and the difference between their land and ours is glaring. It's easier if I pretend not to know the man who lives in that house.
Bella's father carries over the plate of steaks. "Sit," he tells nobody in particular.
We all sit.
"Medium rare is the only way to eat a steak," he says, challenging me with his eyes.
He watches me cut my steak and it's like he's waiting for something. I stare him down until he speaks.
"So nice of you to join us, Edward."
"Yeah. Thanks."
I try not to say anything that will make me sound stupid. But the fucker keeps asking me questions.
"Will you be graduating next spring with Bella?"
"Edward already graduated, Dear," Mrs. Swan tells him. She smiles at me as I take a huge bite of my steak.
"How old are you, Son?"
I finish chewing before answering him. Because it's polite. "I'm not your son."
Three pairs of eyes stare back at me.
"Can I get anyone more lemonade?" Mrs. Swan offers nervously. She starts refilling glasses even though nobody has answered her.
"Dad, have you seen the old barn on Edward's land?"
He looks at me instead of her. "You know," he tells me, "all of that tall grass you have is a fire hazard for this entire area. Your father could be fined for not keeping the brush down." Everything is condescending. His voice. His expression. His posture.
As if on cue, my father appears out on our back deck. I try not to look at Mrs. Swan's face. She smiles at Bella's father, pretending to hang on his every word. Like a dutiful wife.
They don't even sleep in the same bed.
Bella stares at me from across the table and I wish she wasn't so far away.
All of a sudden I'm picturing her naked and remembering the way her flushed skin feels against mine.
I want to take her away from this house and these people and never look back.
I try to ignore the sputtering of my father's riding mower in the background. If Mrs. Swan didn't see him before, she has definitely noticed him now. But she doesn't let on.
The birds begin to scream and shout before taking flight, the sky filled with beating wings.
That's when I see it. The thick smoke rising silently across the field, filling the sky and staining it gray.
"Fuck," I murmur, knocking my chair over as I jump from the table.
I'm running across the Swans' manicured lawn, screaming at my father, but it's no use.
By the time I'm swinging my legs over the white fence, he sees it too. The flames and the smoke and losing everything.
And then we're both running.
He's already heading in the direction of the frog pond in search of a bucket.
My heart is beating so fast, I feel like I'm flying. And I don't stop until I've dragged the hose over the star thistle to the edge of orange and black.
The buckets upon buckets of water being tossed from the pond don't seem to do anything but anger the fire.
This entire town could burn to the ground. It could burn and disappear into nothing but ash and bone.
And I suddenly don't care. I don't care.
Bella is here and she is screaming. She is screaming at me without any shoes on, her bare feet bitten by star thistle. She pries the hose from my useless fingers and I can only watch the flames.
I stand motionless, only vaguely aware of Bella's father and a fire extinguisher.
The sound is deafening.
The red extinguisher lies on the sizzling dirt as the distant sirens grow louder and louder.
The firemen are focused and fast.
My dad sits in the dirt with his palms to his eyes.
And when it's all over, the five of us stare at the dead ground for what seems like forever.
The edge of Bella's sundress is tattered and burnt, and the thought of her being hurt is too much to consider.
"Are you okay?" she whispers, her eyes trained on my blackened hands.
"Go in the house, Bella," her father interrupts.
"No."
He shakes his head, looking up at the sky and laughing. "You would go and fall in love with that boy," he spits at her.
The disdain in her voice is equal to his. "I'm not in love with him."
I can't breathe. Everything is charred and black.
I don't know anything. At all.
-HL-
A/N:
To Susan and Kim for fixing everything. I love them (and miss them loads).
To CC for reminding me that I haven't updated in "70 weeks".
Happy Thanksgiving! I hope your cranberry sauce was amazing.
Thanks for your tremendous patience. Life should be slowing down for me soon, giving me more time to write.
See you sooner than 70 weeks ;)