My Heart

Disclaimer/Warning: D Gray-Man does not belong to me. It belongs to Hoshino Katsura-sensei, and it shouldn't be any other way. I don't claim to own any of the characters, places, or names stated in this fan fiction. ((I just like making the characters do crazy stuff.^_^))

Yullen Week!!

This Yullen week will be for Kanda's Birthday! Starting June 1st and lasting until Kanda's Birthday on June 6th! For more information check in regularly to the Yullen Pride Forums~

http://www. fanfiction. net/topic/49938/12142336/1/
Or, you can PM Blood Soaked Redemption
http://www. fanfiction. net/u/1654070/Blood_Soaked_Redemption
or Kimi-chanchan
http://www. fanfiction. net/u/1726205/kimi-chanchan

Help is welcome in both the form of helping spread the word by adding this to your profile; or by adding info at the end of your stories and chapters! Any help we are greatly thankful for! =D Now fly with this wondrous news and spread the word, people!! Yullen week needs people who for sure will help!!

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Chapter Ten: Desperation

Kanda snapped into wakefulness suddenly, for some reason that he could not comprehend. When he heard the brakes of the train whistle in protest, he figured that he woke up due to the train stopping, which it was. He glanced out the window to see a sign of where he might be. The semi-familiar scenery of Vienna greeted his eyes less than pleasingly. Memories of the last time he had found himself in the city were the source of his dislike of the city, though he was sure that he would dislike it regardless, as it was a city, and Kanda did not like people.

When the train completely stopped and over the PA, the spokesperson for the train conductor announced that passengers could now leave. Kanda waited about a minute or so for the crowd, which had likely built up around his door, as he was right next to the exit, to die down before picking up his suitcase and heading to the exit.

Once on the platform, he began searching for the tell-tale white or red hair that would signify that Lavi and Allen were waiting for him. He wasn't aware if they knew just who was coming for their back-up, but he knew that they would be waiting for someone, at the very least. He looked around quickly before moving away from the train to other parts of the station. Surveying the crowd, he finally caught sight of a tuft of red hair held up by a green bandana.

Somewhat reluctant about seeing Lavi, but almost eager to see Allen, Kanda made his way over to the bench where he saw that Lavi was waiting. So far, Kanda could only see the eccentric red-head's hair above the crowd, which made him anxious, but he dismissed it and pushed through the throng of people.

Finally, Kanda reached where Lavi stood, one hand on the arm rest of a bench. The other hand was nervously fiddling with the frayed ends of his scarf. The usually hyper-active red-head looked worried. He looked up to see Kanda standing before him.

"Baka usagi, what are you looking at me like that for?" Kanda asked impatiently. Lavi looked shocked to see Kanda.

"Komui sent you...?" he asked quietly, almost to the point where Kanda couldn't hear him. Kanda ignored this and looked around, trying to hide his sudden anxiety.

"Where is the Moyashi?" he demanded roughly, surveying the people around them.

Lavi was silent and avoided Kanda's sudden, piercing stare.

"She......She's gone." Lavi said quietly, swallowing with some difficulty.

Seven months passing seemed like a long time, however, for Kanda Yuu, the time seemed to pass slower than an eternity. Spending day after day searching for Allen, city after city, asking question after question, made it only seem that much longer. Not a clue, not a trace of the British girl in any country.

Much to Kanda's extreme frustration, he could not spend all his time searching. His duty was to the Dark Order, so said common sense (though Kanda had given up on common sense a long time ago), therefore he could not continue his search while there was other work to be done. He had overheard others say, on many an occasion, that he was cold-hearted for not spending all his time, but he knew as well as they did that the Dark Order's superiors from the Vatican, cared nothing for the individual, be they exorcist or Finder, scientist or nurse.

Truth be told, Kanda felt helpless most of the time and frustrated beyond words all the time. He did all of his missions as thoroughly and as quickly as possible in order to further his search, but it never seemed fast enough. Nor did it seem as though he ever had enough time to actually get anywhere in finding Allen.

Kanda had recently discovered that he was quickly losing control of himself, of the façade that he had painstakingly built up over several years. He no long had any grip over his emotions, whether he was pleased (something that never happened anymore), or furious. And although Kanda never had any problem with expressing anger of any sort, sometimes it would explode, well out of his ability to control, and something would end up broken, be it someone's limb or a nearby (rather innocent) piece of furniture or dishware.

The conflicted man found that if he ever let himself express his emotions (most often this would happen when he was by himself), to just try to vent some of the anger that would build up, Kanda would snap out of a sort of trance, nearly an hour later, tears streaking down his face, knuckles bloodied and painful from punching the nearest surface; a wall, the ground, anything that presented itself.

It had never occurred to him just how much he needed Allen Walker in his life.

How much she meant to him, how she seemed to complete him in every way possible.

Having her gone, and having no idea where she was, how she was doing, or if she was even still....alive...was slowly, painfully driving Kanda insane. He needed to see her again, needed to have her in his arms.

Since he had first learned of Allen's disappearance, Kanda had vehemently blamed Lavi, though rarely aloud. He hated showing weakness, however much in love he was with Allen.

His initial reaction, though, had been to punch Lavi in the face and demand, "How the hell can you lose someone?! How the hell could you lose her?!" Lavi hadn't been able to answer, still in shock from his discovery in the early hours of that morning. Kanda could still remember the look on Lavi's face, the sorrowful, lost puppy look that his green eye hadn't replaced in seven months, though Kanda had no idea how Lavi looked when he wasn't around.

After the two of them had searched the city, sewers to roof tops, in less than a week, they had come to a mutual agreement to finish the original mission in Greece. Not that long after Allen had gone missing, they had discovered that the phone lines out of the city had been destroyed somehow (Lavi had said something about how it might be in the same manner that the trains had been disabled, but did not elaborate, and Kanda had not cared to figure out what he had meant), and so they could not call Headquarters for any information, to see if Allen had gone back without saying anything. After getting to Greece and discovering the supposed mystery of the small town, Kanda had immediately called to report on the mission and figure out, discreetly, if Allen had returned. Unfortunately, there was no such luck.

And so, with and without help, for seven months, Kanda had searched all over Europe, going from country to country, restlessly, endlessly, tirelessly searching for Allen.

He felt the boat come to a lurching stop and opened his eyes. The familiar stone work of the waterway under the Dark Order greeted his eyes. He was returning to the Dark Order, surely not by will, but by order, Komui's order. Apparently Kanda was needed urgently on a mission, and the details, for some reason, could not be given over the phone. Kanda figured it to be something important (hoping deep down in his heart that it had something to do with 'we found Allen' and 'she and the baby are okay', but knowing better than to allow these thoughts/hopes to surface) given the urgency in Komui's voice over the phone. He took hold of his suitcase and nimbly jumped from the boat to the stone platform. The guard that stood watch over the waterway nodded briefly at Kanda, who ignored the gesture and brushed past, headed straight to Komui's office.

Once there, he reported his findings (or a lack thereof) to Komui. When he had first been able to talk to Komui after finding out that Allen had gone missing, Komui had thought long and hard about it and come up with one conclusion:

There was no way that Allen would desert from the Dark Order's ranks. Therefore, there would be no deal like with when Cross disappeared for four years. Everyone knew that Allen was dedicated to the cause of the exorcists as much as anyone, if not more so. So, the official call was that she was M.I.A., likely taken by the enemy.

For this, all the exorcists who knew the truth of the matter were all relieved to hear this, though they were never-the-less worried for Allen. Many had offered to take their free time to search for Allen at one time or another, and Komui had let them. Still, they came up with nothing more than what Kanda had.

Komui interrupted Kanda's thoughts with a thoughtful clearing of his throat.

"I'm sorry, Kanda. I...hate to pull you away from the search. I know how much it me-"

Kanda growled pointedly, basically telling Komui to shut up.

"Cease with your redundant sympathies, Komui. What the hell did you call me for?" he demanded, seating himself at the couch.

"In recent months, we have been getting news of another massing of Akuma, outside of Europe. At the latest count, there were several thousand. Central has sent orders for multiple exorcists, backed with the help of a hundred finders from the area and General Cloud Nyne, to make their way to South Africa, where this amassing is taking place, and destroy them all. In the midst of this, there is a revolution of sorts going on between the British Empire and the natives there, so you must be very careful where you go and what you say. The combatants there don't seem to really care what excuse or reason you have, but if you look even the slightest bit suspicious they will take you into custody and question you endlessly. Understood?" Komui explained, waiting for Kanda's response. Which he received in the form of a disgusted "Che."

"Great. Now, the other exorcists that are going with you from Headquarters, there are some Asia sector exorcists that are going as well, are Lenalee, Marie, Krory, Lavi and Bookman. They have already been briefed on the mission. You leave tomorrow morning, so get some sleep." Komui finished as he handed over the folder of information to the impatient samurai. Kanda nodded curtly before turning sharply to leave.

"Kanda....I really am sorry. If there was anything more to be done..." Komui said softly, and Kanda knew exactly what he was talking about.

"Shut up, Baka, before you give yourself a brain tumor from thinking too hard." Kanda said harshly, slamming the door. Stupid man!! As if it wasn't bad enough that Kanda returned empty-handed, but the Chinese man had to rub it in! Kanda knew that everyone was trying their hardest, fighting to keep a worried or sympathetic expression from their face, doing their best to finish their mission to try to help and find any clue as to Allen's whereabouts. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Kanda tightened his fists and clenched his jaw.

And what was worse....Something that made Kanda's heart ache and made him want to panic mindlessly:

There was no sign of the Noah, either.

And there hadn't been for seven months.

According to Komui, there wasn't any news of Vienna or Budapest, the former having been taken over by the Akuma about four months ago. Of course, in spite of the lack of news about the Noah, the Akuma were running about in abundance, plenty for the exorcists to take care of.

Kanda reached his room and collapsed tiredly on his bed, not even bothering to remove his boots. In all truth, the Japanese man hadn't had a restful night's sleep since the last time he had seen Allen. That, in addition to his constant worry and traveling, had not done much for his health. The only thing that kept him going was the food that he somehow managed to eat.

As for sleeping, though, Kanda could get about two hours a night before he woke in a fit, sweating and shaking, fist clenched bloodlessly around Mugen (which never left his side anymore, even when being repaired). The only rest he had truly had was about a month ago. After the eccentric scientist had learned from an anonymous source (Kanda was betting it was either Lavi or the Head Nurse, but hadn't bothered to figure out which) that Kanda wasn't able to sleep properly, Komui had been giving (more like tackling and stabbing) Kanda a sedative (via syringe or pill, depending on Komui's ability to deal with pain and Kanda's bitching) that put the struggling Japanese man to sleep.

And, ever since then, Komui had put the sedative into practice about once a month, to force Kanda to sleep for at least eight hours. After the first time, it had worked, and Kanda was slightly grateful, but he did nothing to encourage the psychotic scientist.

Regardless, every time Kanda saw the scientist approaching, hands behind his back, Kanda's need to whip out Mugen grew with every advancing step. He still fought back, no matter how effective he knew the dosage to be, mostly because Komui was none-too-gentle with a needle. And if he hadn't had the time to prepare a syringe, Komui would employ Lavi or someone else to hold Kanda down while Komui stuffed the pill into his mouth and forced him to drink warmed green tea.

Kanda was also grateful (but again did not show it) that Komui had not decided to use some foul concoction as a chaser to the pill, which was vile as it was.

Amidst these thoughts, Kanda felt darkness fill his vision as his eyes slipped shut and he slipped into sleep.

Komui snuck quietly into Kanda's room, Lavi in tow, hoping to catch Kanda unawares. Luck as on their side as they found Kanda asleep in his bed, Mugen held loosely in his right hand, boots and exorcist coat still on.

"Poor Kanda..." Komui said softly. Lavi nodded vaguely and walked over to the bed. He gently and quickly removed Kanda's boots and placed them next to the bed. While Lavi did this, Komui removed Kanda's jacket and carefully stuck the needle into the vein in Kanda's arm.

"You are still going to use that? But he is already asleep...." Lavi protested faintly, watching the opaque liquid empty from its glass chamber into Kanda's system.

"If I didn't, he would just wake up two hours from now, as restless as he was when he fell asleep." Komui said, now carefully pulling the needle from Kanda's arm.

"And besides, it is easier this way. He doesn't struggle as much when he is asleep."

Lavi nodded, watching Kanda, guilt in his heavy heart. Ever since he had left Vienna, Lavi had blamed himself for Allen's disappearance. If he had only been watching over Allen...If only he hadn't stayed up all night, in the dining room of that house, watching the fire, completely relaxed. He kept telling himself that he could never forgive himself for it, even though some small part of himself said that it really wasn't his fault.

Who could have known that Allen would disappear? Lavi knew that Allen hadn't been taken by the Noah, at least, not from her room. He had found the bed covered carefully pulled back, as if someone had left the bed without a struggle. He had found the window open, the curtains pulled back. There was only one pair of foot prints in the soft soil beneath the window, exactly Allen's size. Lavi had followed those foot prints to a couple blocks away, where there was a pile of Akuma remains, not from a self-destruct, or from the blow of an Innocence weapon, which told him that Noah had been around.

Another sign was that there was still the scent of burned flesh in the air, and a few strands of silver hair on the street. A few feet from that, all signs disappeared, leaving only one explanation.

The Noah in question was Rhode, perhaps another.

So that meant that Allen had been captured.

Or had gone willingly.


End chapter.

So...does this mean that Lavi thinks that our dear Allen-chan has gone Noah?

....T.T Poor Kanda. I bet he is hurting really bad.

And poor Lavi...thinking that it was all his fault.

Review please?

-Maze Puppet