CHAPTER NINETEEN: THE TEST

The Country

Before

I am watching Bella cry and I don't know what I did.

School starts for her on Monday. Her senior year. This was supposed to be our last day of summer. She said she wanted to lie under the willow tree and kiss me until we couldn't breathe. I waited for her. I waited for what felt like forever.

I walked across the black ground, swung my legs over that white fence and stood on her back patio looking up at her bedroom window until I couldn't wait any longer.

I rang the doorbell four times in a row and when she opened the front door, her face blotchy and her eyes red, neither one of us said a word.

I followed her up to her bedroom and now I'm too afraid to ask what's wrong.

So I just stare at her.

And when she speaks, my heart stops beating. "I think I'm pregnant."

"What?"

"I'm pregnant."

She starts crying and I don't know what to do. "How?"

She glares at me and I can feel it in my gut. "I mean, how do you know?"

"I'm late. And I feel weird."

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I don't know what to do. I want to touch her, hug her, but I just stand here like an idiot.

"We can't have a baby, Edward," she cries. There's something in her voice that I don't recognize.

"Okay."

"We can't." She says it like I didn't hear her the first time.

"Okay," I tell her a little louder than I mean to. "Isn't there a test or something?" I pace back and forth, back and forth, my hands in my hair.

"Yeah."

"Well shouldn't we get one?"

Her eyes dart to mine. "What if it's positive?" She's afraid and I don't know how to be the brave one.

I pull at the loose string on my T-shirt. "I don't know but shouldn't we still get one?"

She nods, covering her face with her pillow. I want to wrap myself around her but I don't.

"Do they have them at the corner market?"

"I don't know."

"I'll be back," I tell her, kissing her cheek. "I'll be right back."

I leave her alone to cry in her room. Because I can't bear it. Seeing her cry like that makes me want to die.

I consider driving but I don't have insurance. I'd probably get pulled over and locked up in handcuffs and then what would Bella do. So I walk. It's not that far. I've walked this road a thousand times.

I take my time getting there even though I know I should probably hurry.

She'll just take the test and then everything will be fine. She'll feel better once she sees.

The sun is too hot, making the road steam. There isn't a soul in sight. Even the birds are quiet. I could be the last living thing on earth.

Not a single car passes me on the road to the corner store. The signs are lit up and buzzing and I almost can't breathe. The bell on the door makes me want to punch something. Or someone.

I search the entire store. I refuse to ask. I find the pregnancy tests next to the condoms. There are so many. I grab two of the most expensive ones.

The clerk gives me a knowing look. "They're not for me," I lie.

She looks at me like I would be just the kind of guy to get a girl pregnant.

I motion toward the cigarettes. She knows what I like.

"One pack or two?"

"Just one."

"You're not supposed to smoke around pregnant women, you know."

"I know," I snap at her. But I didn't fucking know.

"Do you need a bag?"

"Paper." I'm not walking home with a pregnancy test in each hand. I don't care if this hick town is filled with crackheads.

I hold the crumpled paper bag in one hand as I walk, a cigarette in the other.

What if she's pregnant?

I try to imagine her with a round belly. I try to see her holding a baby; putting her to sleep; feeding her; dressing her. I wouldn't know what to do. But she'd know. She'd do her homework. She'd teach me.

I wonder what my father will say. I wonder what her father will say.

Maybe Emmett can get me a job at the Feed and Grain. Maybe it won't be so bad.

Maybe her parents would let me move in. Maybe I could clean up my father's house and we could live there. Maybe we could get a place of our own. With our baby.

I've never held one. I've never seen one up close. I know they cry a lot.

She's not pregnant.

My heart is beating too fast but I don't think it's fear. It's something else. We can do this. She'll teach me.

The vultures circle overhead, waiting for something to die. The crows sit on the fence posts and scream at the sky. I wonder what has changed in the last twenty minutes.

I walk down the middle of the street and it feels like I shouldn't.

A car speeds by, honking as it passes, the sound lingering like a train whistle. And I don't want to walk in the middle of the street anymore. For the first time that I can remember. I don't want to walk in the middle of the street.

I walk the rest of the way in the dirt and it's the strangest feeling. Because I care about what happens to me. In this moment, on this day, I care.

Two cigarettes later, I take one of the pregnancy tests from the bag. I try to read the directions but I feel like I might throw up. Bella will figure it out. One little box determining the rest of our lives is too much to think about.

The horses at the Bradley farm won't look at me as I walk by. They face in every direction, refusing to see. But their ears give them away.

My shirt sticks to my back and I can smell the heat.

What if she's pregnant?

Sitting on the fence, staring at the horses with the backwards ears, I hold on to my cigarette until it's nothing but ash. I smoke another. And another. I throw the rest of the pack at the birds that are so black I can't see their eyes or their feathers. It's the only way I can stop myself.

The Swan house looks the same as it always does from the outside. Perfect. I don't know why I expected to walk up and see something else.

I let myself in and there's Mrs. Swan standing at the foot of the stairs. She jumps, but greets me with a smile.

"I'm afraid Bella isn't feeling well, Edward. She's in bed with a headache. She said she just wants to be left alone."

I hold up the paper bag, "I know, I brought her... something."

She tilts her head to the side and smiles without showing her teeth. "How sweet, Dear." I can't tell if she means it.

I take the stairs too quickly and I feel like I'm going to pass out. I stand in front of her closed door forever. When I turn the handle it's locked.

"Bella," I whisper. I don't recognize my own voice. "Bella," I try again.

The door opens slowly. I expect her to be standing there staring back at me but she's walking away before I can even see her face. She stands in front of the window with her back to me and I don't know what to do.

"I'm sorry," I tell her.

She shakes her head and I'm just thankful that she doesn't ask me what I'm sorry for. Because I don't know. I'm just sorry.

I reach out to touch her arm, but stop myself. I've never thought of her as fragile before.

She takes short breaths. It's worse than the crying.

"I can't believe I was so stupid."

I don't know what that means.

She has her arms wrapped around her ribs like she's holding herself together.

Even though I'm afraid she's going to shrug me off, I run my fingers down the back of her arm, where her shirt gives way to skin. She doesn't even move. I hold on to her elbow until eventually her hand finds mine.

I hug her so tight that I'm afraid I'm going to break her.

I press my lips to the side of her face. "Bella, tell me what to do."

She's quiet for a long time. "Don't let go."

So I don't.

I hold on to her. Until she's ready to take a pregnancy test. And when she walks into her bathroom with that paper bag, I hold my breath.

I sit on her bed. I pace. I try to stand perfectly still. The minutes pass slowly and she's taking too long. I think the box said two minutes. Or five. It's been a lot longer than five.

I can picture her sitting on the sink, afraid to tell me. I decide to knock. She doesn't answer.

I knock again. The door creaks open and there she stands, and she's not crying. I breathe out a sigh of relief.

I pull her into a hug and she hides her face against my neck before she whispers, "It's positive."

-HL-

A/N:

Long time no see. Here's the thing. I'm a lying liar who said two weeks like a hundred weeks ago. Sometimes I have the best intentions and they just go south.

Thank you to the usual suspects. Susan and Kim, I don't know what I did to deserve you. And to CC for giving me an ultimatum.

I have a handful of chapters written ahead so that I'll be able to post regularly. See you in a week. And the one after that.

Also, 5 week count down to summer vacation!