CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: THE MEETING

The Town

After

I am putting up the last sheet of wallpaper when the phone rings.

I consider not answering. Because I told myself that today would be the day I would ask her. And I'm a coward. But I don't want to be that anymore. So I drop the paper to the hardwood and run to the kitchen before she hangs up.

"Hello?"

"You sound out of breath."

If I don't ask now, I'll lose my nerve. "I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner. With me. Bella, would you like to come over for dinner?"

The line is silent and she's trying to decide how to say no.

"Dinner sounds nice."

Nice. It sounds nice. I grin at the phone like a fucking lunatic.

Then she laughs and even though I'm not sure why, I laugh too.

"Next Saturday?"

"I'll ask my mom."

She needs to ask her mom even though we've been out of high school for a decade. Because she's coming alone. I knew this. But it still feels like a sucker punch.

"Did you make the call, by the way?"

"Yeah. They said they would be sending out a social worker."

"Good. I'm glad."

She can ask about Wren, but I can't ask. I want to, but I don't know how.

Jasper says I torture myself too much.

Someone is banging on my front door. Probably Jehovah's Witnesses. They won't leave me the fuck alone.

"Will you hold on a second? Just a second. Someone's at the door."

"Yeah. Sure." But I can hear the hesitancy in her voice. She probably wants to know what kind of people knock on my door.

"I'll be right back."

"I'll be here."

I set the phone down on the counter and stomp to the door. But it's not a poor soul trying to sell me God.

"Alice?"

"Edward, they took her!"

"What?"

"They took Wren!"

"Who took her?"

"Child Protective Services."

No. The guilt is immediate, attaching itself to my bones.

"Took her where?"

"I don't know. Wherever they take kids. To one of those foster homes?"

I did this. My heartbeat is too heavy. I'm suffocating. I'm fucking suffocating.

It feels like withdrawal.

"How can you not know?" I shout at her. "What did they say?"

"I don't know. Rose was screaming and they called the cops on her and then they arrested her for assaulting an officer and Jesus fuck, Edward, what am I supposed to do? This is all your fault! I told you to leave things be."

My hands are curling around each other like claws.

"Okay, we'll just call them and find out what's going on with Wren."

"What about Rose?"

"What about her? Who the fuck cares about Rose right now, Alice?"

"She's my sister."

"And Wren is a child."

"I know, okay? I know."

"Your sister can rot in jail for all I care."

She looks like she's about to cry and while I don't want to understand, I feel like I'm going to cry too.

"Maybe you can take her?"

"Alice..."

"What? Wren loves you."

Don't say love.

"Yeah, well it's not as simple as that."

"Then make it that simple."

"I can't."

"You're a selfish bastard," she spits at me. It doesn't even have time to sting before she's out the door, slamming it behind her.

Bella never slammed the door.

Shit.

I'm a fucking liar.

I run to the kitchen but the line is dead.

If I could have anything in this moment, I would want her here next to me. That's a lie. If I could have anything, I would take far more than that.

She told me not to call her. She made me promise. But that seems like forever ago. I don't know if that's still a rule.

I dial her number anyway.

It rings and rings and rings. I hang up as soon as her voicemail comes on. Because I can't leave a message without sounding like a fucking idiot.

My heart feels too big for my ribcage. I can't think or breathe or think.

I dial Jasper's number, my hands shaking.

He picks up on the third ring and I almost hang up. I'm not sure how many times he says hello before I respond.

"Meet me for coffee?" I'm sure he can hear it in my voice.

"Yeah, sure. Give me ten. Can you make it ten minutes?"

I can.

"Edward? Go straight to the coffee shop."

My mind feels like a maze.

"Damn it, Edward, did you hear me?"

"Straight there," I repeat back to him.

I hang up and get in my car. I'll go straight there.

I drive the lettered streets back and forth, back and forth, passing the pay phones I used to frequent.

A shiny Mercedes pulls out of a parking space along B Street and that traitor longing to use tells me to park. Across town from the coffee shop. I slow down and it would be so easy. To park. To make a call. To swallow. To numb the pain.

Just for today. Just to take the edge off.

I imagine Jasper sitting in that coffee shop waiting for me to show. I imagine the disappointment on his face. But I don't care.

I'll call Jasper and tell him I'm fine. False alarm. He won't buy it, but he doesn't have to.

A woman stands on the sidewalk, her hand holding the wrist of a small child. Her daughter. And something inside me busts open.

With my hands gripping the steering wheel and my foot on the brake, I can feel everything.

I pound the horn with my fist, honking at no one.

Until I'm fucking sobbing. And I can't stop.

Because Wren is in a foster home with strangers. And I don't even know where Bella lives. And there's a little girl without a father.

And I don't want any of it.

A different horn honks behind me, bringing me back to the present. The driver is irate, hands in the air.

And when I look up, the girl and her mother are gone.

I speed off, desperate to get away. From this place. From the need and the want and the crazy rationalizing that takes over.

I circle around the parking lot twice before I convince myself to pull into a spot. I don't know how long it's been since I called Jasper. He's probably come and gone.

But I can see him from my car, at a table out front, his stupid hair sticking up in every direction.

I try to act normal as I approach the patio. Whatever normal is. But he looks at me like he knows every crazy thought trying to poison my mind.

I walk right past him and push the glass door open, the clanging bell ringing in my ears. I need a fucking cup of coffee.

"Alice is off today," the blonde behind the counter shouts over the hum of the coffee grinder.

I nod and try to act like my bones aren't trying to spontaneously break into pieces.

She doesn't charge me for the coffee. I can't even remember her name.

I try to compose myself before I walk out. But all I can think about is Wren's nose pressed to the glass.

You're not a stranger. You're here every day.

"Will you be my best friend?"

Jasper watches me expectantly as I sit across from him. He doesn't say a word. He's the most irritating person I know.

My coffee is half gone by the time he speaks. "I could sit here all day." He holds up his reusable hippie cup. "Free refills."

"Rose got arrested."

He nods, far from surprised. "That's not why you're freaking out."

"Wren's in a foster home." Saying it out loud makes it all too real.

"Oh." It's all he says and I want to hit him.

"I called Child Protective Services, or whatever they're called."

"Good for you, Edward."

"No, not good for me. Did you hear me? She's in a foster home."

"Which you somehow deem worse than living with her mother who shoots up in front of her?"

"I should have just taken her."

"Then you'd be the one getting arrested. And for kidnapping at that."

I slam my hand down on the cement table, accepting the pain.

"For once, I just want something to go my way."

"Because you deserve to be happy?"

I'm not sure how to respond to that.

"You do, you know. Deserve that much. Once you finally start believing it, maybe everything else will stop going to shit."

I can't talk about that.

"She asked me if that happens sometimes. She wanted to know if sticking a needle in your arm happens sometimes. What else was I supposed to do?"

"You don't have to defend yourself to me. You did the right thing."

"You're a shitty sponsor."

"That's probably true."

We sit in the sun, quietly drinking our coffee. He doesn't even ask me what was going through my head. What I almost did.

"What if I raised her? I mean legally."

He lets out a long sigh and I'm not going to like it. "Edward, while I have every confidence that she'd be safe with you, no judge in his right mind is going to place a child with a single man in recovery who has no blood relation. It's just not going to happen."

His words sit on my chest, with the weight of every decision I've made up until this point.

No judge in his right mind.

I pull at my hair, desperate for something to hold on to.

"She deserves a father."

He eyes me warily. "Who are we talking about?"

"I don't know," I snap at him.

"What's her name, Edward?"

"Stop it."

"Meeting starts at seven. You're going. And you're standing up in front of the group."

Coffee cup in the trash, I grab my keys and I just need to talk to Bella.

"Where are you going?"

"Home."

"No, you're not."

"Yeah, I fucking am."

"Don't throw it all away over something you have no control over."

"I'm fine. I'll see you at the meeting."

I can feel his eyes burning my skin as I walk to my car.

If I knew where Bella lived, I'd drive straight there. I'd knock on her front door and I'd get down on my knees and I'd beg.

I drive home instead. To the place she used to live. I walk right to the kitchen and dial her number.

Please answer.

"Hello?"

My heart beats in my throat.

"Hello?"

"Is Bella home?" I stutter into the phone.

She's quiet for a second before she answers. "Just a minute," she says kindly. I still don't understand how it's possible that she doesn't hate me.

Every second feels like an eternity.

"Edward?"

I won't ever get used to the way she says my name.

"I'm sorry," I blurt out and I despise the way it sounds. "I have a meeting to go to so I can't talk long, I just wanted to call and apologize for earlier."

She doesn't say anything and I hate doing this over the phone.

"I was just a little worried. I guess it brought up some old feelings."

I close my eyes tight. "That's the last thing I wanted to do."

"Then don't do it anymore."

"They put Wren in a foster home."

Her voice is steady. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine. But do you think... do you think she's scared?"

"She's tough, Edward. Children are resilient. She'll be okay."

She'll be okay.

"What time's your meeting?"

"Seven."

There's an awkward silence and I want to fill it. "Maybe you'd want to go with me sometime."

"To your meeting?"

"Forget it, it was a stupid idea."

"It's not stupid. I didn't know anyone could just go."

"They're open to the public."

She's silent again.

"I should let you go," she sighs. And I want the silence back.

"Alright." Hanging up always feels like torture.

I wait until I'm guaranteed to be late before I leave the house.

Out front, I stand among the littered cigarette butts and drink a cup of their coffee that tastes like bathwater. Because I don't know how to stand up in front of these people.

I slip into the room unnoticed. Once in my seat, I study the cracks in the cement floor instead of looking at their faces. But something tells me to look up.

At first I'm not sure if she's real or imagined.

But there Bella sits. In the back. Her eyes clear and wide. Here. At my meeting. I hold my breath.

I want to smile and frown and run away.

I never share with the group. I don't have anything to say to these people.

But I have a lot of things to say to her.

"If there is anyone here attending their first NA meeting, welcome. You are the reason we are all here.

"Just a reminder that no weapons, drugs or paraphernalia are allowed to be on your person at these meetings. If you have anything on you please take it outside and leave it there. If you've used today, please listen to what is being said and talk to someone at the break or after the meeting. Belonging to this fellowship is free. You are a member when you say you are."

I can't stop staring at Bella's face as she takes it all in. I tune out the rest. Because she's here.

I raise my hand and it's the first time I look away from her. Jasper is smiling like a fucking lunatic.

And when I stand up in front of this room full of junkies and has-beens, I feel like one of them.

I seek Bella out and when I find her I refuse to look away.

"I'm Edward. And I'm an addict."

"Hi, Edward," they all say together. She only stares.

"I have 475 days sober. I took my first drink when I was thirteen. I started taking oxy when I was twenty-three. At my worst I was taking nearly twenty pills a day.

"But I, uh, I was a junkie long before that. I guess you could say I was born an addict. My mother introduced me to my first high. She had a little problem herself. I blamed her. For a long time."

I remind myself to breathe.

"I was married. To the best kind of woman. I never thought I deserved her. Even when I did. And then one day I really didn't deserve her. I lost everything. My wife, my... I lost my family."

There is a room full of people but I'm only talking to her.

"I blamed my mother. For a long time. It wasn't my fault, what she did. But it's still my responsibility. Because this is my life. She threw hers away and I don't want to let her throw mine away too."

I tell her things that I've never told anyone.

"Some days I feel really strong. I feel like I've kicked it forever, you know? And then days like today remind me that it's a lifelong battle."

My palms start to sweat and my mouth goes dry.

"I, uh, had a moment of weakness today. All I could think about was one thing. And how simple it would be. And it would just be today and I could control it. And when the crazy is talking, I believe it."

I try to gauge her reaction at this admission but she gives me nothing.

"And then I saw this lady standing on the sidewalk with her kid and I just couldn't do it. This total stranger and her daughter. I guess they saved me today."

A smile pulls at Bella's lips. It only lasts for a second. But it's all I need.

"Thank you, Edward," they all say in unison as I sit. Thank you.

I don't hear another word spoken the rest of the meeting. Bella and I just stare at each other until the collection basket is passed around.

People shuffle out quickly, eager to light their cigarettes. Jasper grabs my shoulder, giving me a shove as he grins the way that only Jasper can.

And then he sees her standing there. He's still smiling but I don't know if he means it. Because his wife and his kid moved halfway across the country to get away from him.

"I'll catch up with you later." And he's gone.

Bella stands in front of me and I think I'm supposed to talk first. "You came to my meeting."

"Is that okay?"

"I invited you." I say the stupidest shit.

She puts her hand on my arm and I wish I knew what it means.

"Was it okay being here... with all of these people?" You're better than that.

She shakes her head. "We all bleed red, Edward."

It takes a minute for her words to sink in.

Her eyes are big and serious. "Why didn't you ever tell me?"

I thought you'd see me differently. I thought you'd hate her for it.

"I'm telling you now."

"Thank you, Edward."

Thank you. Edward.

"I'll see you Saturday?"

"Saturday."

We all bleed red.

-HL-

A/N:

Thanks to Susan and Kim for all things ever.

See you in a week.

(nine more school days until summer)