I pulled over by a gas station and got out, gearing myself up, and promising that as soon as I got back in that car, I'd tell him. I walked in and paid, buying a bottle of water as I went. I got in and slammed the door.
"So, what did you want to talk about?" Beck asked. I looked at him quickly, and then turned away, gripping the steering wheel tightly. I touched the side of my face.
"Nothing, yet," I answered slowly. Beck pressed his lips together tightly, and grabbed my shoulder.
"You've been putting it off for hours. Tell me," I breathed out through my nose noisily, pulling at my hair.
"You don't get to tell me what to do." Beck shook his head, and his forehead creased.
"You've never let me tell you what to do. What's changed?" He laughed shakily. I sighed and my eyes drooped, my lower lip trembling.
"I just really don't want to lose you, Beck. I love you." Beck smoothed my hair.
"You won't lose me. You know that Jade, we've been through this. Listen, I promise as soon as we get back I'll do my applications."
"It's not that," I said, choking on my tears. "I really don't care about that at the moment. Please. We need to go to Cat's." Beck raised his eyebrows, nodded slowly, and I turned around, headed for Cat's.
I got out of the car and knocked on the door, one of my hands intertwined with Beck's. I heard Cat's high heels clicking along the wooden floor along with the cry of, "But auntie Cat! Leave them at the door,"
I giggled at Livvy and stepped back, watching as a flustered Cat flung open the front door with a pirate sword in her hand. She looked down and put it behind her back.
"Haha…about that," her face turned red and she laughed. "We're playing pirates…we don't like the way Robbie plays." I nodded slowly.
"Okay then…" I composed myself. "Cat, I need you to tell Beck – in every detail – about what happened." Cat's forehead creased.
"Why can't you tell him?" I breathed in, looking at her desperately.
"I just can't." Cat nodded and stepped aside. I walked in and heard little footsteps. I smiled at the doorway, waiting for a little face to peek out. I was surprised when I didn't see Livvy.
"Hello?" the face said. Cat pressed her lips together before turning around. "Umm-" Cat cut her off.
"Not now, darling; I'm speaking to someone." I looked at her and she seemed to just notice me. Her face lit up. I smiled at her. She had dark brown hair, a little nose and gorgeous brown eyes that were so big on her face.
"Auntie Jade!" she cried. I grinned. I'd never been an auntie before. She ran over to me so I put my arm round her and she grinned. She reminded me so much of Cat when she was young. She looked quite a bit older than Olivia. Maybe six or seven at the most.
"Hi…!" I said slowly, forgetting that I didn't know her name. "How are you?"
"I'm good, thank you." the girl said. "Would you like me to get Olivia?" I shake my head.
"No thank you. I'm just here to talk." She nodded and left. I looked at Cat. "Who is she?" Cat sighed.
"She's not mine." Cat looked at the door. "She's my brother's. His wife left, and now he's sodded off too." She lowered her voice. "I love her, I do, but I don't want her here. I'm trying to make room for the…" she glanced at the door again and lowered her voice even more. "New baby," she patted her stomach and smiled at me. "I'm going to be a mommy!"
I grinned at her and she beamed. I ran and hugged her, lifting her off of her feet. "Congrats!" I cried. I lowered my eyes. "I'm so sorry for all the stress I caused though."
"No bother," Cat said. "I'm really happy we're friends again." I smiled.
"Me too." Cat smiled at me.
"Now…for the story, huh?" We sent the kids upstairs, and I rocked Jasper in my arms, loving the heavy weight I felt when my arms ached for him.
Cat breathed in. "It all started when Livvy was born. Oh, Jade, she was the most beautiful baby. Blue eyes, dark hair, she was totally enchanting. You loved her to bits. You did too," Cat said, gesturing to Beck. I remember it so clearly."
Jade grips the baby carrier tightly. She's so protective of her little bundle. Beck's protective of both of them, standing behind them both as they enter. Cat greets them at the door with Tori. "Welcome home, little one!" Tori whispers. "What's her name?" Jade beams with pride, and slowly removes the tucked in blanket from under her daughter's chin.
"Meet Olivia everyone, everyone meet Olivia." They peeked in, taking in her minute features.
"Oh Jade, she's absolutely gorgeous," Tori said. Jade nodded.
"I know," she says, smitten. Cat takes a look next.
"Stunning," she agrees. Cat looks up at Jade. "Can I pick her up? Oh, please. I need to. She's just precious." Jade smiles.
"Pick her up all you like; she's here to be gushed over!" Beck puts his arm round Jade.
"Just like her mother," he says. "Speaking of her mother, would she like to sit down for a while? You've had a tough day," Jade nods and leans on him, appreciating that he's bringing a chair over.
"How long did it take?" Cat asks, cradling the baby carefully. Tori leans over and coos too.
"Eight hours. She was so worth the wait though." Cat nods.
"So, are you happy, new daddy?" Tori asks. "And you, new mommy?" They both lean onto each other.
"As happy as you could ever imagine." Jade sighs happily.
….
It all goes downhill from there.
"Beck! I can't feed her and get dressed at the same time! I'm going to be late for work!" Beck looks round the door.
"I thought you had maternity leave!" He called. Jade sighs irritably and the baby cries even louder.
"That ended! Yesterday!" Jade rocks Olivia, trying to soothe her. She just keeps crying. Cry, cry, and cry. "Stop crying! Please. Stop crying baby. There's a good girl." Jade says exasperated. "I can't take this anymore." She drops the baby in her Moses basket and blows her a kiss. She chokes out a meaningless "I love you" and then leaves, slamming the door as hard as she could. She runs as fast as she can to anywhere.
Hours later she's still there, thinking. She's pouring tears that blend with the rain. She thinks of Olivia, and for the first time since she was born, she didn't care what she was doing. If she was okay. If she was alive. She finally gets home when it's dark, stealthily working her way through the roads. She opens the unlocked front door and walks in to find that Olivia is in the same place as when she left her. She scratches her head and can't even bring herself to pick her baby up. Jade takes one too many paracetamol and drags herself up to the spare room.
When she wakes up in the morning she considers drowning her sorrows with a whole bottle of red wine and crashing out on the sofa. Instead she takes a deep breath and gives a bottle to Olivia. Beck's not back by lunch. They eat alone. Clink, clink, clink. The teaspoon hits the cup every other stir. Another scalding cup of tea is washed down her throat. Another hour passes of compulsively scratching her wrist and neck, not really paying attention to anything.
She. Can't. Take. It. Any. Longer.
She packs a bag of all Olivia's things. Her fold down cot, her diapers, her pacifiers, stuffed toys, blankets, piles of clothes, pictures, teething rings. Everything a baby needs. She swallows her last nerve and puts Olivia's big coat and booties on her, making sure she's warm.
"Okay, baby. It's time to go."
She drives to Cat's and drops the baby at the door. She rings the doorbell and walks away, leaving her baby forever. Meanwhile, inside, Cat was shouting on the phone.
"No, Beck – Wait, someone's at the door." Cat walks over to the door, phone in between her shoulder and ear. She opens the door. "Oh my god!" She looks down the street, seeing a figure in the darkness.
"Jade!" she calls. "Jade, come back!" Cat sighs, sucking in her teeth. "Oh, no,"
"Beck? Beck, I wanna see pick up your phone, and tell her you're coming home!" She hangs up. Cat picks up the baby carefully. "Okay, baby, here we go." She sat her down on the sofa, looking at her. She put her head in her hands. "Well, desperate times and desperate measures and all…we'll have to make the best out of a bad situation. It's bad cause I love your mommy very much and I know you would too. We'll all be together very soon."
A/N;
It's ten to twelve and I feel a bit crap. Sore throat and all…this keeps me busy :) Anyhow, hope you liked it. I decided a flashback would be best, and also this is quite a bit longer than usual :)