I wasn't planning on the chapter going this way. I'm not all that thrilled with it but I think it was something that had to happen. Next chapter will be nice and fluffy and happy. Let me know what you guys think and as always, I'm open to any suggestions :)

"I can't believe you're going away for 2 weeks." Nicky said as she took a sip of her beer. Nicky, Alex, and Lorna were gathered in the living room in front of the tv, although none of them were really paying much attention.

Alex smiled. "One week just isn't enough and 3 seems way to long. Well it doesn't, obviously, but Piper can't be out of work that long. Polly's already going to have a stroke when she finds out we're leaving in a few weeks.

"Speaking of Polly...how are you two getting on?" Lorna asked.

Alex rolled her eyes. "We aren't the best. But we could be a lot worse. We try not to talk much. Piper keeps pushing me to be friends with her. Kind of hard when she fucking hates me. And it's whatever, you know. I am not going to waste my time with someone who can't let go of the past. Piper was able to. Fuck, I was able to. So what's her problem."

"She just doesn't want to see Piper get hurt again."

"Lorna, she's the one who left me! I so don't want to talk about this. Fuck." She abruptly stood up and walked into the kitchen. Lorna reached after her but Nicky put her hand down.

"Let her be for a second."

"I didn't mean to upset her..." Lornas squeaky voice sounded close to tears.

"It's okay. I'm sure she knows that. She just hates the reminder." Nicky stood up and walked after Alex.

Alex had her hands on the counter and her eyes shut. She hated to think about the past. It was all so fucked up. The memory was burned into her mind. And it hit double because it also reminded her of the loss of her Mother. Alex and Piper were in a good place now, she knew that. She didn't fear that she would do that to her again. So she tried, hard as she could, to put the past out of her mind. Her and Piper never talked about it anymore. They both said their apology's and that was that. Both girls had healed...for the most part. But the reminder still hurt.

She felt Nicky come up behind her. "Hey Kid...she didn't mean to upset you."

Alex signed. "I know. I didn't mean to storm off. I just didn't want to loose my temper at her. Some things are hard to forget about."

"I know. We've all been there. Now stop being a pussy and come back and watch some shitty TV with us."

Alex laughed. "Thanks for the talk Nichols." She followed Nicky back in the living room and plopped herself back on the couch.

"I'm sorry Alex. I didn't mean to upset you." Lorna still looked close to tears.

"Don't worry about it. It's cool." Alex forced a smile.

"Do you want to talk about it?..." Lorna asked hesitantly.

"Not really."

"You know. It may help," Nicky chimed in.

"Or make it a lot worse. I'm just trying to get on with my life and put the past behind us. Piper and I never talk about it. We are both trying to forget."

As if on cue, the front door opened and in walked Piper.

"Hey guys," She said cheerfully, coming over to sit by Alex who wrapped her arm around her back and gave her a quick kiss. "Why do you all look so intense?..." Then she caught sight of Alex's face. "And why on earth do you look close to crying? Are you okay?!" The concern in her voice comforted Alex a little bit.

"Yea babe, we're fine."

"Yea Alex here was just having a little flashback and we are trying to get her to talk to us about it."

Alex shot Nicky a death glare. "Like I said before. I am fine."

"A flashback?..." Piper asked in a small voice and looked around the room. Nicky still had a determined look on her face and Lorna looked ready to crawl into a hole.

"Seriously. Dropping this conversation right fucking now."

"Is this about..." Piper's face had suddenly gotten very pale.

"It's my fault. I said something that upset her and I apologized. Leave it alone Nicky." Lorna shot her girlfriend a look.

Piper swallowed and cleared her throat. "Nicky may be right. It may be a good thing to talk about. As much as I so don't want to hear it. It may make you feel better..." Piper's voice trailed off.

Alex squeezed her hand. She knew Piper didn't want to hear about it. Alex had never talked to anyone about it really. Only briefly right after it happened but she had been vague. She'd never told anyone how destroyed she'd been. Piper knew, of course, but Alex didn't have to tell her. She had been there for fucks sake. She saw the look on Alex's face.

"Pipes...I don't want to upset you."

"It's fine. What I did was shitty. I have no one to blame but myself. If you want to tell them, do it. You need to get it off your chest someday. I can leave the room if it makes it easier."

"No...No. I don't want you to leave. Stay with me."

Piper nodded her head and put her arm around Alex, pulling her in close to her.

Alex took a shuddering breath. She wasn't sure what was compelling her to talk about this now. Especially with Piper in the room. Normally she could tell Nicky to fuck off easily and keep her feelings pent up. But this had been pent up for to long.

"We had been dating for a couple of years now and we had a nice little place in Paris. I was working a lot. Pretty much around the clock. I didn't get to spend as much time as I would have liked with Piper. The business was demanding. My...boss, so to speak, Fahri, was putting me under pressure. He had increased my output but a lot. I spent most of my time either on the phone or on the computer when I wasn't leaving in the middle of the night to catch Red-Eye's to different countries. I'd be gone for weeks at a time without ever being able to tell Piper when i would be home.

As you guy's both know, Piper carried a suitcase of drug money for me. Once. I saw how much it terrified her but I was young and stupid. One day in Paris I asked her to do it again..." Alex stopped talking and looked down at her hands. This was easier than she thought it would be but she felt her heart breaking all over again.

Piper rubbed her shoulder. "Go on hun. This will be good for you. Maybe even for both of us. Then we can heal. Really heal from it. I'm right here and I love you."

Alex smiled. Piper never ceased to amaze her. She had grown up a lot over the years. They both had. "I asked her if she wanted to go to Istanbul. She misunderstood me and thought we were going to together...until I told her she would probably be able to make it there and back in one day so no staying overnight would be necessary. She got mad, and rightfully so. Telling me she said she would never do that again. My temper got away from me and we started yelling at each other. I was so mad. I was also scared. I was in way over my head but I should have never asked her. And then she said she couldn't be with me anymore. I almost didn't believe her. I thought we were so good together...but she was right. I was a drug dealer and it was ruining every good thing in my life. If I could take back everything I said that day I would have in a heartbeat. But what's done is done. And it did all work out for the best in the end," She squeezed Pipers shoulders.

Nicky and Lorna just sat there staring at her. Neither seemed to know what to say. Even Nicky, who usually had a comment for everything.

"Uhh...Alex? Want to maybe continue this story? There's more to it..." Piper spoke carefully.

"I don't really want to.." she looked around at her friends who were staring expectantly at her, like they actually wanted to hear more.

Piper gave her an encouraging smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. She was also having a hard time hearing this. Neither of them had ever talked about it. It's time to talk about it. It's time to heal.

Nodding to herself, she continued. "Piper left for a few hours. To get her affairs in order I guess. Some of the longest hours of my life. I wasn't able to get back to work so I just paced around our apartment, trying to hold myself together. Trying to keep my anger at bay. Because if we are being completely honest here, I was still very pissed off. The anger was hiding my heartbreak well. Until my phone rang. I answered without checking the caller I.D...in hopes it was Piper. It wasn't. It was my Aunt. I will never forget that call. The first thing she said was "Alexandra I have some bad news." She used my full name. No one ever used my full name. Without waiting for me to ask, she broke the news to me. That my mom had suffered an aneurism and died that morning. She kept talking about preparations, and me coming back to the states, and some other things but I don't remember what they were. I was in shock. My mom...she was my best friend. She had been my only friend growing up. I remember exchanging a few words about coming home and then getting off the phone with her...

A few minutes later Piper came back into the room. She was looking for her passport and I wasn't there. I just stared out the window, praying I would wake up any time. This couldn't all be happening to me in one day, could it? I went through thousands and thousands of scenarios in my head about how this wasn't real. But it was and Piper was looking for her passport, talking about not wanting to miss her flight. All these things I didn't want to hear...

I told her about my Mom. I almost thought that was strong enough to get her to stay. I was wrong...ashamed, I told her where her passport was that I had hid under my clothes in the dresser, and then she was gone...Just like that..."

Alex couldn't talk anymore for the knot that had formed in her stomach was making its way up her throat. Piper pulled her in close and Lorna reached over and rubbed her arm.

"Shit." Nicky swore. "That's rough."

"I regret it every day." Piper said defensively, before anyone could say anything to her.

"Woa, Piper. I'm not ragging on you. We all do shit we aren't proud of. But you're here now. What did you do once she left?"

Alex sighed. Nicky was really treading on some dangerous waters here.

"I went back to the states the next day to plan the funeral. I then spent the next few..." Alex paused. "Years...in a drug induced trance." Piper snapped her head up and looked Alex in the eye.

"Yes...years...you arn't that easy to get over." She leaned in and gently kissed Piper's lips.

"I saw other girls. Not just girls I was trying to turn into drug mules. Girls I met at bars, clubs, cafes, pretty much anywhere. I wanted so bad to feel something again. I'd bring girls back to my place, we'd shoot up then fuck. I don't remember much. All I remember is waking up the next morning with no clothes on, a splitting headache, and the girl was no where to be found. I didn't do it all the time. I spent most of my nights doing drugs and drinking by myself. I dove into my work the best I could but nothing took the sting out of it."

"I'm sorry Al," Piper whispered in her ear. There were tears in her eyes.

"Hey babe. Don't worry about it. Shit happens. But you're here now. We're here now. And that's how it's going to stay."

Piper smiled and rested her head on Alex's shoulder.

"When are you going on vacation?" Nicky asked, changing the subject.

"In a few weeks," Piper smiled. Alex groaned. "She's not all that thrilled about waiting."

"You're right. I want to leave now! I want to go on a vacation where I get to spend all of it with you without needing to work or anything like that. It's going to be awesome."

"It is. I can't wait," Piper kissed Alex on the cheek and wrapped her arms around her.