A1969: I'd like to thank those who've read and those who've bothered to review! Thanks guys!
Miroku: yeah, she's thankful, you can easily tell.
Sango: well, we'd like to give you our thanks too—if you guys hadn't bothered to review, the authoress would've been grumbling…and we can't stand it sometimes.
A1969: when have I ever grumbled?
Sango: -thinks- Mmmm…
A1969: anyway, thanks for the reviews…again! I don't own Inuyasha or any of its character, logos…wait, why am I still doing these stupid disclaimers?
Chapter Thirty-five: Confession
XoXoXo
What did he say?
Helen's thoughts were jumbled up, trying to decide if she had heard what he had said. Did I hear him right? Or better yet…is he…sick?
"Wh-what did you say?" Helen asked, still unable to believe her ears. Disbelief coursed through her, throughout her entire body. She can't have heard him correctly, can she? Did he say that he wanted her? No, that was impossible. Sesshoumaru didn't want her; he had established that a long time ago. But then, why did he say that he wanted her?
Sesshoumaru's thoughts, too, were jumbled within his mind, something that had never happened before. What did he just say to her? Did he really say what he feared he had said? Had he finally shown her his weakness? Had he given in to his emotions and told her of how he felt?
The answer was yes.
He couldn't believe that he had slipped, couldn't believe that he had revealed to her how he had felt…
And now, he suddenly heard her words, realized how close he was to her…
He pulled away from her, leaving small dents in the wood of the tree as his anger and frustration rose within him. How stupid of him!
It was not stupid, a voice inside his head seemed to say. You love her and now you've told her that you want her, so what is the delay?
-I do not wish to want her.
We both know that you're only contradicting yourself.
Sesshoumaru was pulled out of his mental battle when he heard Helen say, "Sesshoumaru?" Her voice was soft, gentle. He had never heard her talk like that before…
He made sure to brace the dam on his emotions as he raised his eyes to her own. Their silver iridescence only made it harder for him than it already was.
Helen looked at him carefully. His stance was colder than she had ever seen it and he looked…angry? No, scratch that. He looked angry and cold. Why was he looking at her like that? As if it had been her fault that he had slipped…
But, then again, it probably was.
Trying with effort to control his emotions, he stared her in the eyes, those shimmering silver eyes that only seemed to bring down his guard more…
"Wh…what did you say?" Helen's voice was low, soft.
Sesshoumaru, not knowing what to say, said the age-old answer. "Nothing." His tone was colder than usual. Not a good sign.
She looked at him speculatively. She was sure she had heard what he said. She was sure. But why was he denying it? The moment she had heard him say those words, it was as if all her wishes came true at once…
But, looking at the cold reaction on his face, the happiness seemed to melt away.
Nothing.
He had said nothing.
Why would he say nothing when he had obviously said something?
"But," Helen said, taking a step closer. "I thought you said—"
"Onna," Sesshoumaru said, his voice cold and a little fierce. "I said nothing do you understand? Nothing."
He…he's denying it? Helen thought as she felt something tighten within her chest. He's denying what he said? But why? Why would he? Why does he love making me hurt so much? It was all she could do to stop a tear from falling…
She pulled her gaze away from him and looked down at the ground. He didn't want her. He had been lying. He was merely hurting her, seeing her suffer…
Cold, sadistic, masochistic dog.
Sesshoumaru's eyes studied her. Hn. I've hurt her again. Why must I always do this?
-If you don't do it, you'll wind up like you're father.
Question answered.
"I said nothing," he said again, stabbing her with his words. "Understood?"
Helen looked up at him and nodded reluctantly.
Sesshoumaru looked at her again and, battling the side of him that wanted to take her in his arms, he turned on his heel and walked off.
The wind rustled in the clearing, blowing softly against Helen. A strand of hair blew in front of her eyes, blew cold against her skin, against her soul, against the single tear that rolled down her cheek…
Why had he hurt her again? Why?
Her thoughts seemed to swirl violently around her, as though a tempest was blowing through her mind. She waited until Sesshoumaru was completely out of ear-shot, and then she fell to her knees and didn't bother to stop her tears from falling.
Life was too cruel.
Baka, baka, baka! Helen thought angrily as her tears fell to the forest floor. What were you expecting? That he'd say he loved you? I'm such a fool. He could never…could never…feel the same way about me as I feel about him…I wish…I wish I never came back to Japan! How I wish that I stayed in America! At least…I wouldn't be hurting so much…
Helen didn't know how long she had been like that, holding her sides as though to keep from falling, letting her tears fall. She didn't know how long…
"Shh…" a gentle voice murmured. Helen suddenly felt two arms wrap themselves around her, pulling her towards their owner.
She knew it wouldn't be him. Knew it was so impossible, and yet, as she felt the two arms wound themselves tightly around her shoulders, she longed for it to be him, wished for a different set of arms…
"What has he done to you?" Toshimaru murmured, his voice a gentle caress.
Helen felt herself shaking in his embrace. She leaned her head against his chest and didn't feel ashamed as the tears fell.
"Helen," Toshimaru murmured as he tilted her tear-stained face upwards so he could look into her eyes. "What has he done to you?"
"N-nothing," Helen choked, trying to stop crying.
"Please, do not lie," he said, brushing away the tears with his thumb.
Helen buried her face in his chest again. "Please don't ask me," she said softly. Why? Why couldn't I be in love with Toshimaru instead? Why? Why did I have to love Sesshoumaru? Why…
Toshimaru buried his face in her hair, inhaling her sweet scent. "I'll kill him for hurting you," he said, his tone suddenly fierce.
"No!" Helen cried out, looking him in the eye. "Don't…harm him." Not that Toshimaru could, anyway.
He gave her a look that seemed to question her sanity. "Why do you defend him?" Toshimaru asked. "He has hurt you more than once, Helen. Still, I do not see your reason for defending him. You deserve better, you do not deserve to be treated in this way."
"I love him," she suddenly said, burying her face in his chest as she blushed. "I love him, Toshimaru. And…it hurts…so much…"
He sighed as he held her closer again. "If only you were mine," he said, making her blush deeply. "If you were mine, I would never harm you…I would protect you…Make you happy…"
"I'm sorry," Helen said softly. "I truly am." If only he was the one who had won her heart…
If only.
XoXoXo
Sesshoumaru had not left her alone.
He had sealed away his scent and aura and hid himself behind a tree, watching her, studying her reaction. Helen seemed petrified where she stood, and then, as the wind blew, she fell to her knees and cried. He suddenly felt a conflict within. He wanted to go back to her, to comfort her, to apologize to her, to wipe the tears from her eyes, wanted to tell her that he did want her more than anything…
Those kinds of thoughts were what were making him see himself as weak.
He wouldn't go to her. He had done enough damage already. He would keep his distance. When she was in the Western lands, he would keep his distance; he would give his emotions time to cool down.
He was snapped out of his thoughts by another scent that entered forest. A particular scent that he didn't like.
He watched as Toshimaru knelt in front of Helen and drew her gently to him. He wanted to be the one to do that.
"Shh…" his bastard cousin murmured gently. Sesshoumaru's eyes narrowed menacingly, a startling sense of jealousy suddenly erupting within him. It was all he could do to keep himself hidden.
"What has he done to you?" Toshimaru asked, his arms tightening around her shoulders, drawing her closer to him. Closer.
Keep your filthy hands off her.
The thought brushed itself across his mind and he found that he wasn't startled or bothered by the thought at all. His body wanted to react to his thoughts. He wanted to gnash out at his cousin, wanted to snatch Helen from his embrace.
"Helen." Toshimaru gently tilted her face to his. "What has he done to you?"
"N-nothing," Helen choked. Her voice seemed to have a calming effect on him.
"Please, do not lie," he said, brushing his thumb gently across her cheek, wiping her tears away.
He wanted to be the one to wiper her tears away.
"Please don't ask me," Helen said, burying her face in chest.
"I'll kill him for hurting you," Toshimaru said fiercely.
You kill me?
He would kill Toshimaru. He would kill him for holding her. Tonight, he didn't care if jealousy was a sign of weakness, he didn't care—tonight, anyway.
"No! Don't harm him!" Helen cried out. His eyes focused on her.
"Why do you defend him?" Toshimaru asked. "He has hurt you more than once, Helen. Still, I do not see your reason for defending him. You deserve better, you do not deserve to be treated in this way."
Oh? She deserves better? You are implying that she deserves you.
"I love him," she suddenly said, burying her face in his chest as she blushed. "I love him, Toshimaru. And…it hurts…so much…"
Did he hear her right? She still loved him?
Sesshoumaru didn't want to hear anymore. He realized that, for those moments that he had given in to his jealousy, he had given in, he had been weakened.
He didn't bother to listen anymore as he turned and left.
XoXoXo
The morning was chilly as autumn finally made its arrival. Helen watched from the veranda as the leaves slowly fell from the trees, falling gently, without making a sound. She could hear the sounds, however. Now that she was a demoness, every single sound was so clear, sometimes it was a bother. She sighed as she stared up at the golden treetops, their leaves falling incessantly to the ground.
"Helen?" a voice asked.
Helen quickly spun around. Lady Shinsuke was standing behind her, a concerned look in her eyes. She had noticed that her daughter seemed so put off since last night. In fact, she, as a mother, had noticed that her daughter had been crying. Over what, she could only guess.
"Yes…mother?" It still felt so strange to call her mother sometimes.
"Are you ready?" Lady Shinsuke asked.
Helen inwardly gulped, dread building up within her. She was not sure that she wanted to go to the Western lands now, not with what had happened between her and Sesshoumaru last night…
"Um…I…guess," she replied, turning her gaze onto the wooden boards of the veranda.
"Are you alright?" Lady Shinsuke asked, noticing her daughter's reaction.
Helen unwillingly looked up. "I'm fine."
"It's only until spring," Lady Shinsuke said, thinking that Helen was afraid of going. "For your health, you should understand."
Helen nodded again, looking more like a dead zombie than the golden haired maiden that she had been yesterday. Lady Shinsuke narrowed her eyes at her daughter analytically. She noticed the change in her child's countenance. What had happened to her? she wondered. Why did she look so…depressed? So sad?
"Well, come along then, Lady Takeida and Lord Sesshoumaru are waiting."
At the mention of his name, Helen felt as if her whole body had been turned to stone. How she wished that Toshimaru had not left her. The Lord of the Northern lands had left earlier in the day due to the fact that demons were ravaging their borders.
Lady Shinsuke noticed her daughter's hesitance. "You've nothing to worry about; Lady Takeida is a marvelous hostess—"
It's not Lady Takeida I'm worried about…
"—and Lord Sesshoumaru will make sure that you are safe."
Why did she have to mention that name? The color drained from Helen's face, something that did not escape her mother's notice. "Helen?" she asked. "Is something the matter?"
"Nothing," Helen said quietly. "Everything's fine." She had made up her mind. She would not show him how his words had so affected her. She would not show him that she was weak—she would show him that she was the opposite. Ever since last night, Helen had already accepted the fact that there could be nothing more between them than acquaintanceship. Just acquaintanceship because she was sure that Sesshoumaru did not need friends.
But appearing to be over him would be so hard to do…
XoXoXo
"Inuyasha, I want to see Helen," Kagome demanded of the hanyou. She was standing just outside of Kaede's hut, looking up at the roof where Inuyasha was lying on, his arms folded beneath his head. "You've been telling me that we should wait, I've waited long enough and now, I want to see Helen."
"You'll have plenty of time to see her after winter," the hanyou said. He was already angry about the prospect of delaying their search because of winter and autumn.
"After winter?" Kagome snapped. "Inuyasha, she's a demoness, she's changed, I want to see her. Now."
"Bah!" Inuyasha said, still not coming down from the roof. "I don't get why you wanna see her in the first place."
"She's my cousin, Inuyasha, I want to see her," Kagome insisted.
"Cousin?" This time, Inuyasha sat up from his position and swiveled around so that he could get a good look at her. "Cousin? Kagome, she's a demoness now, heiress to the Eastern lands and all that. How could you honestly say that you're blood related? Unless, of course, you're secretly a demoness, just like her."
Kagome clenched her fists. She had been thinking about that too. "Just because she's a demoness now doesn't mean she's not my cousin anymore," the miko said, feeling annoyed with the hanyou. "We've been through things that only sisters could've gone through and—"
"I thought she was your cousin?"
"I'm trying to make a point here!"
"So now you're saying she's your sister?"
"No, I'm saying that we're still cousins even though she's a demoness!"
"I thought you said she was your sister!"
"Sit!"
Kagome watched with slight satisfaction as Inuyasha crashed to ground, muttering and cursing under his breath.
"Inuyasha does have a point, Kagome." Miroku and Sango, along with Kohaku and Shippou, had arrived at the scene just as Inuyahsa extracted himself from the hole he had created.
"Not you too!" the miko said while Inuyasha flashed a triumphant look at her.
"We're not saying we're siding with Inuyasha," Sango said causing the hanyou to frown at her. "It's just…Helen is a demoness now."
"And now that she is one, her view on human relationships could change," Miroku said simply. "Demons are very different from humans, you see. Their views on family matters are quite different. Besides, now that Helen is a demoness, there's a possibility that she'll be…different. That she'll be…different from whom she was before. There's even a possibility that she'll be…like Sesshoumaru."
Kagome's eyes widened. "But Helen—"
"You just can't change the facts, Kagome," Sango said soothingly.
"I want to see her then!" Kagome demanded. "You can't keep me away from her forever!"
Miroku and Inuyasha looked at each other then at Kagome. "After winter," the hanyou said firmly. Kagome's eyes widened.
"You can't be serious!" she exclaimed. "Winter…that's too long! I can go on my own, just so you know!"
Inuyasha's eyes hardened. "You can't go without me," he said, his tone hard. "You're not safe there. Don't think that Helen's still the same. Just as Miroku said, she'll be different, that's for sure." Seeing the worried expression in Kagome's eyes, his tone softened. "Look…let's give Helen a little time to get some self-control, okay? And I promise you after winter, we'll go see her."
Kagome frowned at the ground but nodded her head.
"Speaking of winter," Miroku chimed in. "What do you think Naraku's plans are?"
"I'm sure he won't try anything yet," Sango offered. "Most likely, he'll hibernate in winter…though I don't know if he does hibernate. He'll try to get more powerful."
"He's already gotten rid of his scent and aura, how else can he be more powerful?" Inuyasha asked. Sango automatically wound her arms around Kohaku, intent on protecting him.
"Sis," the younger slayer groaned, embarrassed.
"We have to protect Kohaku," Miroku agreed. "His shard is the last one Narkau needs."
"Speaking of Naraku," Inuyasha said, turning back to Kagome who had remained quiet. "Instead of spending all autumn and winter moping about Helen, why don't you fulfill your promise?"
The miko looked up at him, her eyes blinking. "Huh? What do you mean? What promise?" For a moment, she completely forgot all about Helen.
"You know," the hanyou said, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms. "The promise you made to teach us that strange language of yours. That 'Engrish' thing."
Kagome perked up a bit. "Firstly, it's called 'English' and—"
"Huh?" Miroku asked. "What's that?"
Kagome sighed. "It's another language from my time," she explained. "Inuyasha thinks we should learn it since Naraku doesn't know it."
Sango's eyes widened slightly. "Oh!" she said. "With Naraku's scent and aura gone and Kanna to boot, we really should learn how to communicate without him knowing what we're saying." She smiled widely at Kagome. "Very clever, Kagome."
"Um, it wasn't my idea, it was Inuyasha's," Kagome said sheepishly.
Miroku's eyes widened and his brows shot up in surprise. Inuyasha was looking smug. "It was Inuyasha's idea?" the monk asked, sounding awed. "Inuyasha? Wow! I never thought you could be that clever, Inuyasha."
A loud thud resounded throughout the entire village, followed by a loud 'Sit!'
XoXoXo
Helen unrolled the scroll and sighed, her mind on other things. When she had come to the Western Lands with Sesshoumaru and Lady Takeida, she had, naturally, kept her distance from the demon lord and he, in turn, pretended that she didn't exist. The journey had not even been awkward—it had been quiet. Even Lady Takeida seemed to notice, but she said nothing. When they had arrived at the Western Lands, Sesshoumaru immediately distanced himself from Helen while Rin did quite the opposite.
Rin had been glad to see her. At first, the little girl had been confused by Helen's change in appearance, but after finding out for heself that the girl with the golden locks was Helen, she immediately clung to her, not letting her out of her sight.
The West, Helen only realized now, was very different from the East. For one thing, there were more servants, retainers and vassals here, all of whom immediately began gossiping at the sight of the changed heiress of the Eastern Lands. For another, well, it was indeed warmer than in the East.
Helen sighed again as she stared at the scroll that was covered with characters—a genealogy. Being in the West was no vacation. As her mother had said, while she was in the West, she had to learn proper etiquette, the rules of the clans, and all other things that just took the fun out of life.
Helen let her thoughts wander; she wondered what Rin was doing. While Helen was being tutored—an estimated three hours a day—Rin was usually entertained by some of the maids. She wondered what Sesshoumaru was up to…
Oh no, you don't, Helen thought viciously, pulling her thoughts away from the demon lord. He doesn't want you. Her chest tightened at the thought. So there's no point in moping about him, is there? Let him go, for Pete's sake.
But…How do I let him go if he was never mine to begin with?
Helen frowned to herself. True…And it hurt. She stared out the open doors that led out into the veranda and which had a nice view of the miniature lake. She watched the trees swaying serenely at the water's edge, their leaves falling gently into the water…
"Lady Helen, pay attention!" a sharp voice said, snapping Helen out her thoughts. The voice belonged to the woman kneeling across her. The woman was a middle aged owl demon with white hair that was kept up in a bun. She wore a dark blue kimono with emerald green trim and pheasants embroidered on it. Helen's tutor, Saiki, who had also tutored Sesshoumaru when the demon lord was young.
"Lady Helen, you are lacking in focus," Saiki said, a cross look coming into her eyes. Though others usually tended to avoid offending the heirs to the lands, Saiki was quite frank with them when it came to education.
"Sorry," Helen muttered as she pulled the scroll closer towards her.
"You are quite far behind on your education," Saiki said disapprovingly. "Forgive me for saying so, Lady Helen, but Lord Sesshoumaru was far more progressive."
Helen inwardly groaned. She was so confused with herself sometimes. She loved hearing his name said out loud and yet, at the same time, she couldn't stand it.
"Right," Helen said, training her eyes on the scroll again.
XoXoXo
Helen left the room an hour or so later, her brain feeling like a wrung sponge and filled with all the names that she had memorized from the genealogy. She shook her head as though it would make all the characters that were dancing in front of her eyes vanish.
"Helen?" a voice asked. Helen looked up to see Lady Takeida headed towards her. She immediately bowed as the elder demon and approached, then straightened up again. "How was your study with Saiki?" the demoness asked as she walked by Helen's side. They walked down the length of the hallway, the sliding doors opened to the veranda allowing a gentle breeze and sunlight to come in.
"It was…informative," Helen said with a shrug.
Lady Takeida gave her a tiny smile. "Ah," she said. "By informative you mean that you had just been told all about your academic faults?"
Helen looked sheepish. "Sort of."
Lady Takeida laughed quietly. "Saiki is always like that," she said. "I should know, I was her pupil once. She can be very hard when she has to, but all in all, a very good teacher."
Both demonesses stopped to stare out at the veranda and at the lake. They were both quiet for a moment.
"Helen." Lady Takeida's voice had taken on a different tone. It was no longer light and cold, it was now solemn and serious. "May I ask you something?"
"Of course, milady," the latter agreed.
She smiled at Helen but her eyes were serious. "I have noticed that you and Sesshoumaru hardly talk anymore," she said.
Her words caught Helen off guard. "You…you do, milady?"
Lady Takeida nodded. "Is there some enmity between you two at the moment, Helen?"
Helen blushed and looked down at the veranda. "No," she said. "It's…it's nothing."
"Nothing?" Lady Takeida sounded disbelieving.
"Yes," Helen said, a little too quickly. "I mean…it's normal for Sesshoumaru to be quiet, ne?"
"You do have a point," Lady Takeida replied. Her eyes bore into Helen's. "I do hope he hasn't done anything foolish."
"No," Helen said quietly. "He hasn't."
She knew that the demoness was not convinced. Even she could hear how false her own words sounded.
XoXoXo
Sesshoumaru held the pole in his hand and narrowed his eyes at his opponent. The youkai lord was divested of his usual armor and clothing. Instead, he was clothed in a grey haori with close cuffed sleeves and black hakamas. Sweat beaded his brow and his hair was slightly damp, but his eyes remained cold and his face calm.
As always, whenever he returned to his palace, he always trained, increasing his swordsmanship so that he would be second to none. Of course, if he were to be second to none, then he had to spar with the best.
He narrowed his eyes at the man standing before him. He was a middle aged dog demon; he had hair the color of a raven's wing and pulled back up in a ponytail; his eyes had an analytical look in them, as though he constantly assessed his opponent's skill, he was slightly more muscled than Sesshoumaru and, like the demon lord standing before him, he held a wooden pole in his hand.
"Yield, Lord Sesshoumaru?" Ryou asked. He had been a general in the late Lord of the Western land's army and also the best swordsman in all of Japan, so it was only fitting that Sesshoumaru would choose to spar with him.
Sesshoumaru narrowed his eyes and Ryou took it as a 'no'. A moment later, the sparring hall echoed with the loud clashes of wooden poles. Ryou thrust his pole at Sesshoumaru, aiming for the lord's chest, but Sesshoumaru immediately sidestepped the attack and spun around, aiming his pole at Ryou's back. Just as the wood was about to make contact, Ryou jumped into the air and brought down the pole on Sesshoumaru's neck. Sesshoumaru parried the pole with his own. Their swords locked and the force that both demons applied to their weapons was enough to send splinters of food flying around.
Ryou quickly pulled his sword from the young lord's, made a quick sidestep and thrust the pole at Sesshoumaru's shoulder all in a second. Feeling the contact of the wood on his shoulder, Sesshoumaru quickly jumped back. The blow to his shoulder would be a bruise, but that was nothing compared to the blow to his pride.
"Yield, Lord Sesshoumaru?" Ryou asked. He had been the demon lord's sparring partner for several hundred years now, and still, Sesshoumaru could not surpass him.
"For now," Sesshoumaru said in his coldest and deadliest voice. Why was it that he couldn't surpass Ryou? He knew that Ryou was the best swordsman in all of Japan and, according to his philosophy, if he beat the best, then he would be the best.
"For now," Ryou echoed, a small smile on his face. He knew that Sesshoumaru longed for more power and if he were to get it, he had to be the best. He bowed to Sesshoumaru who acknowledged it with a slight tilt of the head. "I think I hear my other pupil approaching."
Sesshoumaru, too, heard a light tread in the distance, accompanied by the brisk, feminine tread of his mother. A scent accompanied the first tread, a very familiar one…
"Other pupil?" Sesshoumaru couldn't help but asking. Some part of him was already screaming at him to leave. Now. He knew the answer to his own question, but a part of him didn't want to leave…
"You have nothing to be worried about, my lord," Ryou said with a smile. "She does not seek to surpass me and be the best; she merely wishes to know how to wield a sword. Though, why a lady should wish to know…"
Sesshoumaru stiffened as the door to the sparring hall slid open and she came in. And to think that he had been avoiding her for the past several days.
"Lady Takeida," Ryou said, bowing to Sesshoumaru's mother. "Lady Helen."
Sesshoumaru, who had automatically looked away, immediately turned his gaze on the owner of the second name. Like him, she wore a close cuffed haori, light blue in color and dark blue hakamas, obviously, she was Ryou's 'other pupil'. He had been avoiding her for days, thinking that maybe he could regain some control over himself, but, as his eyes locked with hers, he could feel the same emotional torment raging through him.
Helen herself had not expected him to be here. She had picked up his scent when she and Lady Takeida were outside the door and before she could walk away, Lady Takeida had already slid the door open.
Sesshoumaru was the last person she would see there. He wasn't wearing his usual amour; he was dressed similarly as her, meaning that he, too, was training. Him? Training? He was the last person she expected that needed training.
"Ah, Ryou," Lady Takeida said. "I see you have been tormenting my son."
The blow to Sesshoumaru's shoulder and the blow to his pride was absolutely nothing to the torment he was feeling now.
"Lady Helen," he suddenly said, allowing himself to say her name.
She blushed and mumbled something that sounded like 'LordShmaru'. Damn him. Why was he still here? She looked up at him and their eyes locked. She suddenly remembered what he had said to her, several nights ago, that he didn't want her. She remembered the hurt his words had inflicted…
"What could you be doing here?" he asked her.
Her eyebrows shot up in surprise. Why was he even talking to her if he hated her? "I am Lord Ryou's pupil," she said firmly.
"Hn," he said. He went and leaned against the wall, eyes still on her. "Let me see how good you are." He wondered why he didn't just leave, wondered why he loved tormenting himself.
Helen blushed and turned away from him to face Lord Ryou. "Shall we begin, milady?" the sword instructor asked, throwing another wooden pole at her. It slipped through Helen's fingers, falling to the floor with a clank. Helen blushed, feeling Sesshoumaru's cold, slightly amused gaze on her.
Why doesn't he just leave?! Helen thought viciously as she knelt to pick up the pole. Does he like making me suffer?
Masochistic dog.
Helen straightened up and faced Ryou, her eyes set and determined to avoid staring at Sesshoumaru who was joined by his mother. "Ready, milady?" Ryou asked.
Helen nodded, wishing that she could just vanish on the spot.
Ryou charged at her and she managed to sidestep his attack. Ryou quickly swerved and hit her pole at the area nearest her hand, causing it to fly from her grasp. Once more, it fell to the floor with a loud clunk.
Helen blushed again.
"Once more, milady," Ryou asked, handing her the pole.
She nodded and raised the pole. Suddenly, there was a scuffle of feet outside. The door slid open to reveal one of the maids. She bowed. "Milord," she said to Sesshoumaru.
Sesshoumaru straightened and raised his eyebrows. "A blacksmith is outside, searching for Lord Ryou."
"What does he want?" Ryou asked.
"He says that he has something for you, my lord, a package if you will," the maid said.
Ryou nodded then turned to Helen. "Milady, please excuse me. Run through our exercises, I shall return shortly." Helen nodded as Ryou left the room.
Lady Takeida's gaze moved from Sesshoumaru to Helen. "I, too, shall take my leave," she said quickly. "I wish to listen to the flute players and see how their playing compares to my own." She smiled pointedly and left.
Helen's eyes widened. What on earth?
She could still feel Sesshoumaru's eyes on her. She tried her best to ignore him as she ran through the drill that Ryou had taught her. Step, thrust, dodge, step, thrust, dodge, step…
The pole suddenly flew from her hand and landed at Sesshoumaru's feet with a dull clatter.
Don't show him you're weak, Helen thought as she approached him and quickly snatched it from the ground.
He stared at her, unable to take his eyes off her. He watched, with resenting amusement, as she picked up the pole from the ground and straightened up. Her eyes locked with his and he suddenly stiffened. His emotions were raging against the weak dam that he failed to reinforce.
"You hold it wrong," he said, his voice cold, but his eyes smoldering.
She stared at him, her eyes narrowed. "Oh?"
He raised his eyebrows at her. "Let me show you." He took a step towards her. What was he doing? Why wasn't he leaving yet? There was a side of him that longed to leave, but the other side of him, the side that wanted her, was stronger.
"What?" Helen asked. "Um…okay." Her consent came out more like a question.
"Show me how you hold it," he ordered.
Helen quickly fumbled with the pole, holding it tightly in her grasp. He raised his eyebrows critically at her. "You hold it too tight," he said. He took another step towards her and, against his better judgment, he stepped behind her. He wound his arms around her own, placing his hands lightly on top of her own.
Helen stiffened. She couldn't move. She could hardly breathe. What was he doing? Was he totally toying with her emotions? She could feel the warmth of his hands over her own which was strange. She didn't expect warmth, she expected ice. He slowly intertwined his fingers with hers. A part of his mind started questioning his sanity at his actions.
"You hold it too tight," he said again, loosening her fingers on the pole slightly.
"If…if…I didn't," Helen stammered. "Then…it'll fall…" He was too close. Much too close.
"You must hold it loosely, but firmly," he said, correcting her grip.
What?
"I…don't get it." She could feel his breath on her hair; feel the warmth of his hands on hers, the strong muscles in his arms intertwined with hers…
She blushed.
He looked down at her, noticing the red on her cheeks. His emotions were winning again. "Helen," he said silkily. "Why are you blushing?"
She blushed even harder. "What? I…I…" Damn him.
He didn't know what he was doing. Why wasn't he leaving her? He let his arms slide from her own and snake around her waist, drawing her close to him. He felt the warmth of her back against his chest. His ears barely registered the sound of the pole falling from her grip and onto the floor…
Her heart thudded painfully against her ribs as she felt him lean his head on top of hers. One of his arms wound themselves securely around her shoulders while the other retained a firm grip around her waist, drawing her closer…
"Helen," he murmured her name against her golden curls, inhaling her scent.
"Wh…at are you…"
"Shh."
The red in her cheeks grew into a violent crimson color. He held her to him as though determined not to let her go…
What are you doing? a voice in his head asked.
-Go away. He leaned his head against her shoulder and he felt her shudder. He closed his eyes, relishing the feel of her against him.
Fool! Will you be called weak? Do you wish to end up like your father? Like your half-breed brother? Do you wish to spend your life as a prisoner to your own emotions?
That thought snapped Sesshoumaru out his trance. He had given in again…
He slowly pulled away from her. Helen knew that she should just stay still. Knew that he was going to hurt her again…
"Correct your grip," Sesshoumaru told her as he left.
Helen heard didn't hear the door sliding closed, she only heard the violent pounding of her heart.
XoXoXo
Sesshoumaru had a problem, and he knew it.
He had left the training hall and after spending some time in the hot springs, sought out his mother. She could surely help him with his problem, right? If she couldn't…
He found his mother on the veranda, watching the waning moon. The silvery light was reflected in her eyes, contrasting vividly with their golden color. Helen's eyes were the same color as the silver of the moon, only with a hint of iridescent quality in them…
Wait…what was he thinking?
"Sesshoumaru," Lady Takeida said.
"I wish to ask your help," he said, "with a problem."
Takeida immediately stood up. Never before did her son ask help—it was so out of character. "What is this problem, my son?"
Sesshoumaru's tone was cold and his eyes were hard as he stared at his mother. His eyes had a burning emotion in them.
"Helen," he said. "I am in love with her."
XoXoXo
A1969: a really long chapter!
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