A1969: oh…my…lord! I'm updating again!
Miroku: how is that a surprise?
Sango: considering the fact that she hardly updates…
A1969: we get your point! Anyway, thanks to those who read and to those who reviewed! If it weren't for my reviewers…I'd so be lost at sea! Thanks guys!
Miroku: they know how grateful you are...
A1969: still, it doesn't hurt to say 'thank you!'
Chapter Thirty-six: Winter
XoXoXo
Lady Takeida was sorely tempted to stick a finger in her ear to check, whether or not, there was a piece of lump within. Surely, she didn't hear her son say that he was in love, did she? Because if she did, then the apocalypse had arrived.
"What?" Lady Takeida asked.
Sesshoumaru actually bit down on his lower lip. Now, why was this so hard to do? In fact…what on earth was he thinking about going to his mother to ask for her advice? Was he still even sane?
This was all Helen's fault.
"Sesshoumaru, son, what did you say?" Lady Takeida repeated her question.
Sesshoumaru kept his eyes averted from her, as though he was ashamed of himself. "Helen," he said, his voice barely audible, but still cold. "I…" He actually let his voice trail off.
"Well," Lady Takeida said, feeling awed. She sat down on the veranda, her brilliant kimono piling around her. "This is…certainly unexpected." She looked up at her, who was still staring up at the moon. "Sit down, Sesshoumaru."
Sesshoumaru obliged and folded his legs beneath him as he sat gracefully beside his mother. This was strange. He was actually going to talk to his mother about his feelings—an intimate talk, if you will. A mother-son moment. It felt…odd.
"Tell me," Lady Takeida said. She, too, was slightly troubled about Sesshoumaru's predicament. She had suspected for some time that her son might have harbored feelings for Helen, but she never really expected her suspicions to be true.
"What more is there to say?" the young lord asked, irked. "What I have told you suffices."
Normally, Takeida wouldn't tolerate such a choice of words from her son, but under the current circumstances, she was willing to make an exception.
"So," she said, trying to sound like her old self which was hard to do seeing as how shocked she was at her son's revelation. "This is most amusing."
"Amusing?" Sesshoumaru asked. "I do not see what is so amusing about this."
To his surprise, his mother laughed. "You are amusing," she said, placing her hands on her lap.
"I, Sesshoumaru, amusing?"
"Of course," his mother said. "After all, my son, most young men of your age would not have come to their mothers for advice—they would've made their move already."
Sesshoumaru pulled his gaze away from the moon and looked at his mother, and if he could, he would've looked incredulous. His frown turned into a scowl. "I am not like most 'young men'," Sesshoumaru said, his tone colder than ice. "I only came to you because I think of my feelings for her as…a hindrance. If I had wanted to, I could've claimed her a long time ago."
"Ah," Takeida said. "So you've been in love with her for quite a while?"
He was silent.
"My son, I do not see what your problem is," Takeida said simply. "If you love her, then you love her."
"I do not wish to love her at all."
"Oh, do listen to yourself," his mother reproached. "I know that tone—it only means that you do and that you're contradicting yourself."
His mother knew him well.
"I do not see what you're problem is," Takeida said.
Sesshoumaru glanced sideways at her. "My problem," he said slowly. "Are my accursed feelings for her. These feelings waylay me from the path of conquest. These feelings weaken me. They distract me. Do you now see my dilemma?"
His mother tilted her head at him. She had never thought of him to be that cold-hearted. She was silent for a moment, staring up at the moon as though it completely enthralled her, but he could see that she was doing some thinking.
"My son…have I ever told you how much your father loved you?" she suddenly asked.
Oh. No. Not this kind of talk, anything but this…
Sesshoumaru went rigid. Urgh. The last time he had heard this kind of statement was when he was a child. "Yes" was the reluctant answer.
"And…did your father ever think that his love for you was a problem?" his mother went on.
"Perhaps," Sesshoumaru replied. "Occasionally."
"You are being difficult," his mother remarked. She sighed. "I do not know why you regard it as a problem. After all, you and Helen…" She shook her head. "I do not see why you are fighting yourself. Your father didn't fight himself when—"
"Father perished when he gave into his love for Izayoi," Sesshoumaru said coldly.
His mother suddenly gave him a sad look and he instantly regretted his words. He knew that the subject of Izayoi and his father was still…touchy to his mother no matter how much she tried to say that she didn't care.
He was silent then his mother stood up and looked down at him with a faint smile on her lips—a sad one, he couldn't help but notice.
"Yes," she said quietly, "your father's love for Izayoi killed him…but your father's love for me brought you into this world." And without saying more, she left.
Sesshoumaru frowned as he stared up into the moon. His frowned deepened even further when he realized that the silver moon only reminded him of Helen's eyes.
XoXoXo
"Say it again, Inuyasha," Kagome demanded. She, Inuyasha, Miroku, Sango and Shippou were seated around the warm fire in Kaede's hut. Beside them were strewn a number of Kagome's school books and notebooks. Outside, the stars shown brilliantly in the sky and, for one moment, Inuyasha wished that he was outside on the roof, watching the stars glimmer softly.
"Say what, again?" Inuyasha asked.
Kagome rolled her eyes. "The alphabet. Say it again, please. I didn't like the way you said it."
"No…it's too tiresome."
Kagome growled in frustration. In order to take her mind off Helen, the young miko had decided to begin teaching her friends English. She started with the alphabet. Miroku and Sango immediately nailed it while Shippo was progressing. Inuyasha, on the other hand, was practically sinking.
"Tiresome?" Kagome snapped. "Hey, you're the one who wanted to learn it!"
"I wouldn't have learned this thing if I knew it was so damn hard!" the hanyou roared.
"Aw, c'mon, Inuyasha," Miroku chided him. "It's not that hard, really. All you have to do is to memorize. A…B…C…D…E…F…G…H…I…"
"Shut up!" Inuyasha snapped.
"J…K…L…M…N…O…P…Q…R…S…T…" Sango continued, smirking at the look on the hanyou's face.
"U…V…W…X…Y…Z!" Shippo finished. "Kagome, I got the last letters!"
"Very good, Shippo-chan," Kagome congratulated him. "Inuyasha…why don't you try it?"
The hanyou pouted. This was so degrading! He screwed up his face for a moment. "A…B…C…D…H…F…"
Kagome sweat-dropped. "Erm…you're doing it wrong again," the miko said gently, knowing how annoyed the hanyou was getting. "E comes after D, F after E, G after F and—"
"Whatever."
"Well, we can always try again tomorrow," Kagome reassured him. Inuyasha suddenly felt insecure. Like a child. A toddler. A simpleton.
"I'm starting to think this is just a waste of my time," Inuyasha muttered in a low voice.
Lesson one: never show any more interest in Kagome's studies…ever.
XoXoXo
Naraku's red eyes took in the woman kneeling in front of him whose head was bowed, as though she was a suppliant. It was incredible to what ends a scorn woman would go to in order to avenge herself. He had never expected her to return, after all, she had—on more than one occasion—tried to get away from him without much success.
"So, Kagura," he began. "To what honor do I owe this visit?"
Kagura looked up at him, her blood red eyes glinting with anger. To think that she would even return to Naraku again! Maybe she shouldn't have come in the first place—she was already starting to regret her decision. Still, she was there already, might as well get it over with.
She clenched her teeth. "I come to you…so I can help you."
"Oh?" Naraku sounded amused. "You come to help me? It seems that being free of me has improved your sense of humor."
Kagura gritted her teeth at the insult. "Whatever you call it," Kagura said, straightening up and staring him in the eye. "You know why I'm here."
"Of course."
She was silent.
"I do not see your point in allying yourself with me," Naraku went on. Kagura cringed. She hated him, she decided. For now, she was going to use him to get what she wanted. And then…maybe she could kill him. The thought gave her savage pleasure.
He stared at her for a moment. "What is it that you really want?"
"You know what I want," Kagura replied, her tone acidic. "I want Helen dead…and her death benefits us both. Now that she is a dog demoness, you have more than one daiyoukai to worry about. Killing her will get rid of one of your problems."
"And yours as well?" Naraku was truly amused at it all. He had never seen a woman stoop so low just to get back at her 'rival'. "You and I both know that you want her dead because…" He let his voice trail off and a nasty smile curved his lips.
Kagura growled. "Perhaps," she said.
Naraku was silent for a moment, staring at Kagura with an amused expression on his face. "If I do acquiesce to help you," Naraku said. "What will you give me in exchange?"
Here was the part that Kagura dreaded. She automatically felt her heart thud painfully across her chest. In the dark room, it seemed to her that her thudding heart was the loudest thing she could hear.
As though he could hear it too, Naraku smirked. "Don't be silly," he reprimanded. "I've given you your heart—there's no reason why I would want it—or you—back."
"Then what do you want?" Kagura demanded.
"Why, the same thing that you want—their lives."
By 'they', he obviously meant Helen and Sesshoumaru. Kagura lowered her head in gratitude. Yes, it looked like she could get to Helen now, but…if Naraku intended to harm Sesshoumaru as well…
She lowered her eyes and wondered if this was the right thing to do.
XoXoXo
Winter now fell on Feudal Japan in a haze of white, blanketing the forests in a shimmering layer of ice, freezing the ponds and lakes and tortured those who hated it. It fell on the Northern Lands, where Lord Toshimaru wondered what could possibly be happening to Helen right now and governing his lands; it fell on the village where Kikyou was staying, caring for the sick and the wounded whose numbers seemed to have multiplied due to the cold; it fell on Kaede's village, where Inuyasha and the others struggled to unlock the secrets of English; it fell on Naraku's castle where Kagura stayed and wondered about what she was doing, and it fell on the West, where Helen looked up at the snow and couldn't help comparing it to Sesshoumaru.
She was sitting on the veranda with Rin. Both girls were watching the layer of snow on the ground. Helen had ditched the usual many-layered kimono, which she hated, for a long-sleeved turtle-neck sweater and a pair of jeans that flared just above her ankles. Her mother disapproved of her choice of clothes, saying that it wouldn't be warm enough, but Helen didn't care much about it. Besides, now that she was a demoness, the cold didn't bother her as much as it should have.
"What are you thinking about, Helen-san?" Rin asked after a moment of silence.
Helen, who had been comparing the snow to Sesshoumaru, blushed. "Nothing…important," she said, sighing. "I was just wondering…about going to Kaede's village."
"Lady Kaede's village?" Rin asked. "Why?"
"It's boring here," Helen whined. She sighed, then stared out at the snow, her mind wondering…
"Um…that's true, I guess," Rin said hesitantly. She wasn't supposed to be insulting the way things were, but, being with Helen, she couldn't help it sometimes. "But…Look on the bright side, Helen-san."
"What bright side?" Really, what bright side was there to being stuck in the same castle as Sesshoumaru, with the snow falling all around them, with nothing better to do than to yawn?
"At least Lord Sesshoumaru is here!" Rin chirped.
Helen automatically spun around, wondering if he was there, but to her dismay, he was not. Rin giggled. "I think you really like Lord Sesshoumaru!"
Helen kept quiet. "That's not a very bright bright side," she mumbled. She was silent for a few moments. "Hey, Rin," she said. "Do you wanna do something fun?"
Rin looked up and nodded her head eagerly. "C'mon," Helen as she grabbed Rin's hand. Together, both of them leapt from the veranda and into the gentle-falling snow. Helen looked Rin over to see if she was amply dressed for the cold. Rin was wearing a many-layered blue yukata with white flowers stitched into the hem that reached to her ankles and was bound at her waist by a red sash. She wore a pair of warm tabi socks and a pair of lacquered zori.
Helen nodded to herself. "C'mon," she said, tugging Rin along.
"Eh? Where are we going, Helen-san?" Rin asked as Helen dragged around the pond. Together, they passed through a grove of trees that led into the garden.
"Okay," Helen said, stopping and spinning around to face Rin. "Rin…have you ever had a snowball fight before?" There was a twinkle in Helen's eyes.
"A…snowball fight?" Rin asked, cocking her head to one side. "What is that?"
Helen giggled as she brushed snow off Rin's hair. "A snowball fight is…" She bent down to scoop into her hands. Rin watched as she shaped it into a ball and then… "this!" Without warning, Helen jumped back to land several yards away from Rin and, at the same time, she tossed the ball at the little girl.
Rin gasped as the snow hit her on the shoulder. Her eyes widened and, for a moment, Helen thought that she had hurt Rin, but to her surprise, the little girl scooped a handful of snow and threw it with all her strength at Helen.
The cold snow hit Helen on the face, making her blink. The snow dripped from her cheeks, leaving a trail of cold. Rin was laughing now as she ducked to scoop another handful of snow in her pudgy little fist. She tossed the ball at Helen with all her strength. Helen ducked just as the snowball whizzed past her and into a tree with a faint splat.
Helen giggled. "Haha!" she laughed. "You missed!"
She bent down and scooped a handful of snow into her hands. She aimed at Rin and threw it at the little girl, who ducked just in time. The snowball whizzed over Rin, just barely missing the top of her head. It soared over Rin and hit the person who suddenly appeared behind the little girl.
Helen gasped, her eyes wide as the snowball zoomed straight into his chest.
In truth, Sesshoumaru could have easily avoided the snowball, but for some reason, he didn't want to. It smacked straight into his chest. He could barely feel the cold through his armor, but he still glared at the person who had thrown it.
Helen looked very sheepish.
Rin gasped, her eyes wide. Sesshoumaru stared at Helen, wondering why on earth she was acting like a child and throwing snow around. Before he could even ask, Helen beat him to it.
"Sesshoumaru, I'm so sorry!" Helen exclaimed, making no move to come near him.
Sesshoumaru looked up at her, his eyes were smoldering, Helen noticed. His gaze flickered to Rin, whose hair was dripping wet. "Rin," he said. "Go dry yourself before you catch a cold."
Rin nodded then, glancing once more at Helen, as though sorry that their fun was spoiled, she turned on her heel and quickly ran off.
They were both silent for a moment, staring at each other across a sheen of falling snow. "What were you doing?" he couldn't stop himself from asking.
She shrugged. "Goofing around," she admitted, keeping her distance from him. She couldn't stop her heart from beating faster, though. His eyes studied her intently. She blushed and had a feeling that it wasn't from the cold.
His feet seemed to move of their own volition. He took several steps towards her until they were an arm's length apart. "Being foolish?" he asked. A part of him was already screaming at him to leave before he was pulled into temptation again, before he could show her that he was weak, before he gave in…
She looked him the eye and wished that he would go away. "Yes," she answered. "Can you blame me? It's…boring here…"
He took another step towards her. He held out his hand and lightly brushed the snow off her shoulders, allowing his fingers to twine themselves in her hair. She was very still, knowing that he would hurt her again…and again…
"Boring?" he asked. It was becoming harder for him to resist the lure of his emotions, the pull that this girl had on him. He inwardly frowned. Why must I continue to resist? he thought idly as his fingers brushed her cheeks, the red in them turning to scarlet. I want her…and what I want, I get.
Helen felt the uneven rhythm in her heart and knew, without a doubt, that she should pull away from him. Now. Before she could even consider doing just that, he took another step towards her, closing off the distance between them.
She looked up at him, blushing. "Yes, it's boring," she confirmed. "Saiki is the most boring of them all and…" He raised his eyebrows at her, amused. "And…" What was he doing? He was…leaning towards her, his eyes intently fixed on hers.
He didn't know what possessed him then. He didn't know anything anymore. He disregarded her words as he placed both his hands on her shoulders, pulling her closer towards him. He wanted her and this time, he would have her. He didn't care about power at all. He leaned in towards her and her eyes grew wide, the blush in her cheeks becoming even more prominent.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Helen thought as his lips hovered inches above hers. No, no, no…he's only going to end up hurting me again! Which was true. Every time he held her, he always did end up hurting her, slashing her heart, ruining it…
If he kissed her, he just might inflict the greatest damage of them all.
She dimly became aware of his hands on her face, gently tilting her head to his. Her eyes widened. "No!" she cried out as she pulled away from him, her heart pounding like bass drums inside her chest. She could feel the blush on her face as she looked at him.
Sesshoumaru stared at her, wondering, why…Why had she pulled away from him? He knew that she loved him and he felt the same, so why? It was stunned disbelief that coursed through his mind. Why had she pulled away from him? Why now? Why did she have to pull away from him when had finally decided that he wanted her, now that he had decided to surrender to his emotions…?
Curses.
He could only give her an icy look. Seriously, trying to kiss someone only to end up being rejected was just too humiliating.
He's angry with me, Helen thought, panicking. "I'm…sorry," she murmured, her voice low.
Sesshoumaru, after getting over the initial shock of being rejected, narrowed his eyes. "So am I," he said, the coldness in his voice easily mimicking the snow. "Sorry that I ever bothered to consider surrendering to my feelings for you."
Helen's eyes widened when she heard the last four words. He…liked her? Great. Just nice. If she had known that, she wouldn't have pulled away.
She hung her head, feeling awful all of a sudden. Wait…why was it that she was the one who was feeling awful? After all the things he'd done to her…
She looked up at him. "I just…I don't want to get hurt anymore!"
What? he thought. What was she saying about getting hurt? What nonsense! This girl could be very confusing at times.
He was silent, so she went on. "I…don't want to get hurt any more," Helen repeated, her silver eyes downcast. "You…every time you…you…hurt me…so much…I don't think…I…I…I don't think I could stand it anymore!"
"What?"
"You…you have no idea of the pain I feel here." She placed her hand over her chest. "You…you don't understand how painful it is for me…you wouldn't know…you've never tried. But…every time you hurt me…it hurts so much. I feel as if…I feel as if my heart if tearing itself into shreds. It feels so…painful that I…that I wished to claw out my own heart…just to rid myself of the hurt…"
His eyes studied her for a moment. He had done that? Of course, he had known that he had hurt her innumerable times before, in the past, but never did he think that the damage that he could've inflicted on her would be that…painful. Sesshoumaru knew the pain in her heart was no exaggeration—he could easily see the truth of it behind her eyes.
He had hurt her before, he suddenly realized. And when he realized this, he was filled with a sinking horror. How could he have done that to her and not stop himself? Of course, in the past, he had ignored her because he had been so focused on ridding himself of his feelings for her. But now that he finally wanted to give in to his feelings, it seemed that he finally did care.
"Helen…"
"No!" she said, taking a step back from him, as though he would hurt her. But then, he realized, he had hurt her already. "Please, no."
He was numb with disbelief. An icy feeling suddenly crept through him. It seemed to him that they now switched roles—he, giving into his emotions and she, ignoring her own feelings. Still, the icy feeling crept through him, making him narrow his eyes at her.
She took another step away from him when she saw the look in his eyes—anger, rejection…hurt?
He took a step towards her, and as though the sound of the snow crunching under his feet alerted her, she turned and ran away from him, leaving him in the snow.
XoXoXo
A1969: it's not very long, might me my shortest!
Miroku: never mind the length—what's important are the reviews.
Sango: oh yeah. They show how much readers appreciate the story.
A1969: aw, can it, you two. Anyway, I hope you guys'll review! Oh! And thanks to those who reviewed and red!