A1969: It—
Kagome: we know—it's been a long, long while since you last updated and you're sorry if that's so.
A1969: you know me well.
Inuyasha: hell, we've been here for how many chapters already.
Kagome: thirty-seven.
A1969: right, right. Anyway, as Kagome says, I'm sorry for the late update—school's a torture, but you all know that, ne? Anyhoo, thank you all so much for reviewing!
Chapter Thirty-Nine: Lifeless
XoXoXo
"I'm happy for her," Kagome was saying as she looked up from the bowl of ramen she was eating. Night had fallen. She, Inuyasha and the others had stopped to sleep for the night underneath the sheltering branches of a pine tree. Tufts of snow still covered the branches, something everyone was wary about.
Inuyasha and the others looked up from their food. "Happy for whom?" Sango asked, her eyebrows arching in puzzlement.
Kagome smiled, her eyes twinkling in the firelight. "Helen, of course," Kagome said, her smile becoming more pronounced.
"Oh," Shippou said as he continued the devouring of his dinner.
Sango, on the other hand, was more attentive. "I know what you mean," the taijiya agreed. "When she and Sesshoumaru left earlier, she looked so happy, don't you agree?" Her voice grew more enthusiastic. "I think she deserves it. After all, she's been in love with him for so long…"
"What makes you think he likes her?" Inuyasha asked.
Kagome rolled her eyes as she put down her bowl. "Please," Kagome said. "You are so pessimistic, Inuyasha. We all know he likes her. After all, he's acting a bit different lately—"
"That's my point!" Inuyasha roared, suddenly jumping up and pointing a finger at Kagome. "He's acting a bit differently. Don't you think if he liked her, he would be acting strange? In a big way?"
Kagome let out an exasperated sigh. He could be so stubborn! "Oh, so you're saying you know your brother?" she asked sarcastically. "Wow, you two must talk a lot every time you two fight!"
Inuyasha glared at her and was about to open his mouth to retort when Kagome beat him to it. "Inuyasha, it's obvious," the miko said, raising her hand to stop him from talking. "I mean, he's very protective of her, he tried to get her back when she left, he's always jealous whenever Toshimaru is with her—though he tries to hide it—and, on top of that, didn't you notice the way he was always staring at her this afternoon?" She sounded triumphant.
"Rubbish," Inuyasha scoffed. Miroku, Sango, Kagome and even Kohaku sighed in frustration.
"Okay," Kagome challenged. "What makes you think otherwise?"
"He's protective of Rin, too," Inuyasha pointed out. "He tried to get her back because Lady Shinsuke wanted her back, he's not jealous of Toshimaru—he's just annoyed because he absolutely loathes Toshimaru—"
"Why don't you want Helen to be happy?" Kagome snapped, now standing up and glaring at Inuyasha from across the fire.
"Oh, I do want her to be happy—not with the wrong person, though."
"How can he be wrong if she loves him?"
"You'd actually let Helen love someone like Sesshoumaru?" Inuyasha asked, his tone incredulous. "Geez, Kagome, I never knew you to be a masochist."
Kagome blinked. Inuyasha had a point. Sesshoumaru—cold-blooded, heartless, arrogant, indifferent Sesshoumaru—was not exactly good boyfriend material. Kagome had been so busy pointing out the fact that Helen loved him and that he possibly loved her that she failed to notice Sesshoumaru's negative qualities.
Kagome's moment of silence was all Inuyasha needed. "Told you so," he said, sighing. He then went on in a more gentle voice which he used whenever he wanted to make Kagome see his point. "Kagome, I know she loves him and I'll admit that there's a slight chance that he feels the same…but, Kagome, don't you think she could do better?"
Everyone was silent.
"He…actually has a point," Miroku said slowly, not wanting to antagonize either Sango or Kagome. "Sesshoumaru has his drawbacks…"
Kagome let out a tiny sigh. So, they had reached the friends-judging-friend's-choice-of-guy stage. "But…isn't what's important is who makes her happy?" she asked, now sitting back down.
"But isn't her well-being a factor too?" Inuyasha asked, following Kagome and sitting back down his log.
"Good point," Sango muttered.
Kagome was not going down without a fight. "Well, I'll admit that Sesshoumaru's not exactly your everyday lover," she said. "But…I'm sure Helen can change him. She's starting to already."
"True," Sango agreed. "It's quite obvious that he's—"
Inuyasha suddenly held up his hand to silence her, his eyes narrowed at the trees behind Kagome, his head tilted slightly.
"Inuyasha, what is it?" Kagome asked, seeing Inuyasha's stupor. Sango automatically drew Kohaku close beside her and Shippou jumped lightly into Kagome's lap. Miroku glanced uneasily at Inuyasha.
"What is it?" the monk asked.
The wind blew softly around them, rustling the branches of the pine tree above them. Inuyasha sniffed the air, his eyes narrowed as though trying to remember something. "This scent…" he muttered. "I think…it's Helen's."
At Helen's name, everyone relaxed their tense postures. "Oh," Kagome said, smiling. "Is Sesshoumaru with her?" She was sure he would be with her and this little fact would prove how Sesshoumaru could not stand not having her there beside him.
But Inuyasha's expression told her quite the opposite. "No…he's not with her," he muttered, still sniffing the air. "She's isn't so far away…In fact, she's so close by…I can smell…"
"Smell what?" Kagome automatically asked, concern lacing her voice. Smell blood? Had something happened to Helen? But with Sesshoumaru around that was supposed to be impossible…
"Inuyasha," Kagome repeated, impatience in her voice. "Smell what?"
Inuyasha looked up at her, an unfathomable expression in his eyes. "Tears."
XoXoXo
How could he?
No other thought was in Helen's mind aside from the question that had formed when he had finally sent her away. She was sitting on the ground, her head resting on her arms on a boulder that, in turn, rested at the base of a clump of bamboo. The leaves rustled almost sadly in the breeze, throwing shadows on the young demoness.
How could he?
How could he get her hopes up like that…and then destroy them? It was so cruel…too cruel…
Helen sobbed quietly, her eyes closed, wishing that the indescribable pain she was feeling would go away. But, no, it seemed that the more she sat there, crying, the pain only worsened…
He had hurt her again.
Was there no end to it? Was there no end to the indescribable pain she was feeling? Were her feelings for him never going to wane? She knew that if her love for him dissipated, she would be free—free of the pain and the longing…
But even the thought of not loving him frightened her and pained her even further. How could she not love him? Not loving him was like humans not needing air, or like a black hole repelling instead of attracting…She just had to love him. How could she not? Her feelings weren't merely immutable, they were utterly perpetual.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid…
She was stupid for letting herself fall much, much too deeply. He was stupid for doing this to her. Fate was stupid for making her meet him. The whole world was stupid for seeming so dull if he wasn't here…
In general, everything was stupid…
Even the tears that fell from her eyes were stupid.
Did Sesshoumaru ever realize how much he hurt her since they had met? Did he ever realize that every time he hurt her, he was killing her on the inside…?
The pain was just too much—there was no apt description for it…
I don't want to feel this much anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I don't want it to hurt anymore…
I don't want to love him anymore…
But even the thought of not loving him anymore brought an unbearable pain…
It was as though the pain washed over her like waves on the sea, submerging her underneath, covering her with pain until she might have forgotten who she was…
Was there no end to it?
XoXoXo
"Where is she, Inuyasha?" Kagome asked. She, Inuyasha and Miroku were following Helen's scent. Sango was watching over Kohaku and Shippou, both of whom had fallen asleep.
"Somewhere over here," the hanyou answered as he turned into a grove of trees.
"What could she be doing here on her own?" Kagome muttered to herself. It was strange if she was alone seeing as how Sesshoumaru was protective of her…
"Sesshoumaru wouldn't let her out of his sight, would he?" Miroku asked Inuyasha. "If Kagome thinks he's so fond of her…"
"I don't think so, I know he feels the same way about her," Kagome muttered. "Even though he looks so impassive, he definitely feels the same way…" But even she was starting to have misgivings. After all, why did Sesshoumaru leave her alone?
"Helen," Inuyasha suddenly said.
Kagome automatically looked up. Her cousin was leaning against a rock nestled within a grove of bamboo. Her head rested on her arm and her shoulders were slumped and everything about her posture suggested sadness. The moonlight spilled over her seemingly limp form and it glinted subtly over her golden ringlets. But the silver of the moonlight glinting off the gold of her cousin's hair wasn't what caught Kagome's attention—it was the muted sobbing.
"Helen?" Kagome asked with uncertainty. Why was she…crying?
At the sound of Kagome's voice, Helen's sobbing automatically subsided. She raised her head, but her back was still turned to them. She glanced slightly at them from over her shoulder so they wouldn't see her tears. Great. Just what she needed—an audience.
"Kagome," she mumbled, her voice low.
Inuyasha was about to make his way towards the demoness, but Kagome restrained him. She walked passed him and Miroku and quietly made her way to Helen's side. "Let her handle it for a while," Miroku mumbled, tugging on Inuyasha's sleeve, a sign that they should leave. The hanyou nodded to show he understood and quietly left with Miroku.
Kagome felt grateful. It would be easier to talk to Helen without an audience. She knelt beside Helen, but the latter kept her back to her.
"Helen…what happened?" Kagome asked, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Why are you here? Where's—?"
"Please, don't say his name," Helen whispered, her voice choked, tears threatening around the corner of her eyes. "Please…don't."
Kagome was automatically worried. What happened? Didn't Helen and Sesshoumaru leave just this afternoon and didn't Helen look happy then?
"You…don't want to talk about it?" Kagome asked, patting Helen's back.
"No." Helen's voice sounded dull. Lifeless.
Kagome nodded. They were silent for a moment, the wind rustling in the bamboo. She glanced tentatively at her cousin. Helen was staring at empty space, a lifeless, faraway look in her eyes. Kagome was automatically worried. What did Sesshoumaru do to her to make her look so…lifeless?
Helen inwardly sighed. Lifeless was better than pain, wasn't it? It was as though a shadow lurked inside of her, waiting for her to come to it. And now she did. She took refuge in the shadow that made her look so lifeless…The shadow in her heart.
Lifeless was better than pain…
She buried herself deeper and deeper within the shadow, within the darkness, wanting to be free of the pain and the longing…
"Kagome," she suddenly said. Kagome started. Helen's voice sounded so empty, so lifeless…
"Yes?" she asked carefully.
Helen turned to her. Her eyes were dry, but still somewhat puffy. Her eyes…they didn't look silver anymore. They looked like a drab gray color.
"I want to stay with you and the others," Helen said. There was no pain in her voice, only an emptiness that made her sound like a robot.
"Of course," Kagome said, wounding her arms around Helen's shoulders. "You're welcome to stay." She was dying to ask what had happened between her and Sesshoumaru, but thought better of it. Asking her would only cause Helen more pain.
"Thank you." Helen presently stood up, much to Kagome's surprise. The way she stood…it was…mechanical…robotic.
Kagome stood up and led the way out of the clearing. Inuyasha and Miroku were waiting just behind the trees. The moment they caught sight of Helen, they began to open their mouths, but Kagome only shook her head. Helen gave the two of them a brief nod and followed Kagome to where Sango and the others were.
"I told you he was no good for her," Inuyasha mumbled.
XoXoXo
"Lord Sesshoumaru, where's Lady Helen?" How many times had Rin asked that question since she had woken up to find Helen gone?
Sesshoumaru was silent. He was still angry at himself for what happened last night. How could he do that to her? The moment she had left, he immediately began berating himself and his damnable demon pride and his insatiable hunger for power. How many times had he cursed himself for what he did to her? He could think of nothing last night but Helen. It…bothered him that she so easily agreed to leave him, but maybe it was for the best…
"Lord Sesshoumaru?" Rin persisted.
"Quiet, fool!" Jaken snapped. "Can't you see Lord Sesshoumaru is deep in thought?"
Sesshoumaru let them bicker as his own thoughts began to wander. He was sitting underneath a tree while Rin and Jaken bickered noisily in front of him, watched warily by Ah-Un. He actually let out a small sigh. He had considered going after her last night, really, he had but thought better of it. He closed his eyes. Why did he feel so tormented?
He let out a small dark chuckle. How did he get from being the most cold-blooded of demons to…this? If anyone told him that within a few months of meeting Helen, he would wind up like this, he would've killed whoever was brave enough to say it.
He wanted to forget her. He wanted to forget that he loved her…
But then, the thought of loosing her seemed so absurd, so impossible. He could not bear it…
But didn't he just loose her already?
No, she was still in love with him. That fact meant that he didn't loose her. Yet.
"I love you…"
Her last words—so unexpected—made him yearn for her even more. But he knew that he had to fight his trifling desire for her. It would go away. Eventually. He looked up at the sky and felt doubt coursing through him. Would he ever forget her? It would be hard, he knew, or maybe even impossible, due to the fact that loving someone was such a major change for him that there was no way he could change back.
So? What if that was indeed the case? So what if he remained loving her? He could do that and, at the same time, he could abstain. He could stay away from her, not set his eyes on her. The next time he saw her, he would do everything in his power to make sure that she went away, back to her time where he could never see her again…
He wasn't surprised to find how much the idea of never seeing her again tormented him.
Unknown to him, Rin was staring at him out of the corner of her eye. She put down the garland of flowers that she had been making for Ah-Un and skipped to where Jaken sat, grumbling, as always.
"Master Jaken," Rin said hesitantly, wondering if Sessoumaru could hear her. Jaken was sitting near the riverbank and she sat down beside him.
"What is it?" He sounded annoyed.
Rin glanced hesitantly at Sesshoumaru who still sat impassively underneath his tree. "Where do you think Lady Helen really is?"
Jaken stared at her as though she had lost her mind. Of course he knew the reason why Helen had left. However, he knew that his lord did not want to hear her name spoken out loud. "She left because she left!"
"But why?" Rin asked. "I mean…why would she leave without telling us? Did she have a fight with Lord Sesshoumaru again?"
"Do be quiet, Rin." Jaken glanced carefully over his shoulder, at his master, who still seemed too absorbed in his own musings to take any notice of anything else. In fact, he looked so deep in thought that Naraku could dance in front of him and he still wouldn't notice. Or so it seemed to Jaken.
"I need to know," Rin demanded.
"Why don't you go ask Lord Sesshoumaru?"
"But he's busy!"
"And I'm not?"
"You don't look busy."
Jaken glared at her. "Oh, do be quiet, Rin."
"Master Jaken—!"
"She left because Lord Sesshoumaru made her leave, you happy?" Jaken roared, standing up and glaring at the little girl. "Lord Sesshoumaru made Helen leave, and leave she did—!"
"Jaken."
Jaken flinched as though someone had doused him with cold water. He stared over his shoulder. Never before had he heard such menace in his master's cold voice. Sesshoumaru was standing over him, his amber eyes colder than ice as they took in the toad's frightened posture.
"Mi-milord!" he squeaked.
A moment later, there was an exceedingly loud thud and Jaken found himself kissing the ground, a lump the size of a large stone forming on his head.
XoXoXo
"It's been three days since she's been like that," Sango said quietly to Kagome who nodded. They were resting on a hill, Helen a little apart from everyone else. She was sitting on a small rock several yards away down the hill with her back to them. Her hair blew softly in the breeze that rippled through grass.
Kagome nodded. "I know." She sounded worried.
It had been three days since they had found Helen alone, crying. She had traveled with them, but she never spoke a word. Indeed, the only thing she ever did nowadays was stare into space, with blank, empty silver eyes. In fact, she didn't even eat and hardly slept. Kagome knew that demons could go for ages without food, water and sleep, but Helen had to give in eventually…
However, she kept her silence.
"She seems so lifeless," Sango sighed.
Kagome frowned slightly then looked at Inuyasha who looked at her with meaningful eyes then at Helen. "I wonder what happened to make her this way," Kagome whispered.
"Isn't it obvious?" Miroku asked. "Sesshoumaru hurt her again…as always."
"I am so fed up with that jerk!" Kagome growled. She turned to Inuyasha. "I say we go to him, Inuyasha."
"And say what?" the hanyou asked. "That he should apologize? That he should love her?"
"Well," Kagome muttered. "We should at least tell him something."
Inuyasha shook his head. "If we do go and Sesshoumaru does come to check on her—"
"What makes you think he'll check on her?" Miroku asked.
"He wouldn't want Lady Shinsuke's daughter in a poor state of mental health because of him," Inuyasha said, rolling his eyes. "Anyway, if he does come, how do you think she'll react? No, I think it's best to keep her away from him."
Kagome sighed as she looked at Helen again. "Still," Kagome said softly. "We should do something at least…"
Kagome was silent for a moment. She was silent because she knew what she would do.
XoXoXo
Kagome made her way towards Helen, a ball of ramen in her hands. Night had fallen and—more for Helen's sake than theirs—they had decided to camp out on the hill, underneath a blanket of starry sky. Kagome hesitated as she approached Helen who, despite having heard her cousin's steps, kept her silence and indifference.
"Helen…I've brought you something," Kagome said in a cheerful voice as she stood in front of Helen, a smile on her face. She held out the steaming bowl of ramen. Inuyasha and the others watched, craning their necks to get a better view.
Helen looked up at Kagome, her eyes oddly blank…lifeless.
"No thank you," she muttered, averting her eyes from Kagome to stare up at the sky.
Kagome sighed then knelt beside Helen. She set the bowl on the ground and placed a hand on Helen's. "Helen," Kagome said. "You've got to snap out of it. Whatever happened…you have to forget it. You mustn't let it affect you this way—"
"Please don't give me advice that you yourself won't follow if it was you in my place," Helen said, her voice somewhat pained.
Kagome stared at her. Touché, she thought. "Helen…that's not the point. The point is that you've been acting like a zombie for the past three days now. Snap out of it. Whatever he did, forget it."
Helen stared at her, her eyes hiding a strange emotion beneath the surface. "Forget, you say?" she said quietly, feeling the full force of the pain that gnawed at her. "You say…that I should…forget…what he did to me…? How could I…forget…when…what he did…was…what I wanted?"
Kagome blinked, not understanding what Helen meant. "What…do you mean?" she asked. Was it just her imagination, or was there a subtle trace of pink in Helen's cheeks?
Helen was silent for a moment then she drew her knees to her chin and wrapped her arms around them, sighing. "It doesn't matter," she mumbled, her voice lifeless. "It really doesn't matter…"
Kagome knew that it would be best to leave Helen alone for the moment. She stood up and as she turned back towards Inuyasha and the others, a single tear rolled down Helen's cheek.
XoXoXo
Kagome warily opened her eyes.
Everyone was asleep. Inuyasha was sleeping up high in the branches of the tree not far from where they were; Sango was curled up on the sleeping bag beside Kohaku while Miroku slept underneath Inuyasha's tree, his eyes closed; Shippou was curled up into a ball of bright orange beside her. She gently shoved Shippou aside and sat up quietly. She knew that she had to be careful—Inuyasha was half-awake, half-asleep, as always.
She quietly pushed the blankets off her and stood up, surveying the area. Several yards away, Helen was leaning on the rock she had sat on earlier, her head on her arms, asleep. Her eyes darted back to Inuyasha. He looked asleep…
Kagome quietly crept between her sleeping bag and Sango's. She placed a hand on Kirara who automatically opened her eyes with a mew.
Kagome placed a hand to her lips. Kirara seemed to understand because she quietly leapt onto Kagome's shoulder.
Quietly, Kagome left the group and walked into the forest, Kirara on her shoulder. "You have to help me, Kirara," she whispered as the neko jumped onto the ground to transform. There was a flash of fire and a larger Kirara growled at her.
"Shh!" Kagome said. "Please, Inuyasha will hear. I need you to—"
"And just where do you think you're going?" a gruff voice suddenly said.
Kagome gasped and spun around, a hand on her chest. "Inuyasha!" she breathed, startled. "You…you followed me? I woke you up?"
"You aren't exactly the most quiet person on earth, Kagome," he pointed out.
Kagome rolled her eyes. "Gee, thanks."
"Anyway, what are you up to?" the hanyou asked.
Kagome bit her lower lip. "Well…I was…going to…well…"
Inuyasha narrowed his eyes as, with a click of intuition, he figured it out. "You're going to Sesshoumaru, aren't you?" he asked, his eyes narrowed.
She was silent. "Yes," she said at last. "I was going to talk to him."
"About Helen?"
She nodded.
Inuyasha was silent for a moment, staring at her with narrowed eyes. He sighed after a moment's silence. "Fine," he said. "I'll go with you—but don't say I didn't warn you, got it?"
XoXoXo
Sesshoumaru sighed as he stared at the sprawling valley before him. Moonlight bathed the valley, casting its silver iridescence on the landscape, making it seem so ethereal…
The moonlight only reminded him of her eyes.
He narrowed his own eyes in anger. What a weak, pathetic thought! Why was it that he was…like this? What had happened to him? Wasn't he supposed to be the most ruthless and cold-blooded of demons? For a moment, he wondered if his father himself had gone through the same thing.
Did you, Father? Sesshoumaru thought pensively as he fixed his golden eyes on the silver moon. Have you gone through this as well? Surely, you must have… For a moment, he thought of Izayoi and how the human princess had been his father's downfall.
Was Helen going to be his Izayoi? Was she going to be the cause of his downfall? Was she going to be the one who would weaken him?
Yes.
She would be.
He closed his eyes, trying, in vain, to banish every thought he had of her—the sound of her voice, the way she smiled, the sparkle of her eyes, every touch, the feel of her lips against his own…
He opened his eyes and growled in frustration. His longing for her only increased…
Damn it.
The wind rustled quietly in the treetops. It was cool against his skin and he let out another sigh. He closed his eyes again.
The wind blew again bringing with it the scent of wisteria and spring blossoms…
And other scents.
Sesshoumaru slowly opened his eyes. How amusing. Did his younger brother and the miko actually think they could sneak up on him, undetected? But then, the feeling of amusement slowly vanished as something came to him—wouldn't she have gone to Kagome?
"Inuyasha, stop acting like a fool and show yourself," he said quietly.
"Sharp nose," his brother's gruff voice said. Sesshoumaru glanced over his shoulder. Inuyasha and Kagome were standing behind him, with the diminutive two-tailed demon cat on Kagome's shoulder.
"What do you want?"
"Sesshoumaru, we wanted to talk to you." Surprisingly, it was Kagome who spoke up. Oh no…if Kagome was the one who wanted to find him then he had a feeling that they were here because of her.
"I've no time for idle chatter," Sesshoumaru said, turning his back on them both. "Leave."
"Please," Kagome begged. "You have to listen to us—it's about Helen."
Sesshoumaru stiffened. He knew it.
He closed his eyes. "I've no interest in her."
"Sesshoumaru, please," Kagome said again. "Please listen first. Helen's really—"
"Miko, did you not hear me?" he said, opening his eyes and glancing at her from over his shoulder. No, not glancing—glaring. "I've no interest in her. Leave. Now."
"But—"
"Inuyasha, take her away before she tries my patience." He sounded cold, forbidding, dangerous, deadly and menacing.
Inuyasha knew that tone of voice well. Sesshoumaru was serious. He knew how his brother could be when angered.
He placed a hand on Kagome's shoulder. "Let's go, Kagome," he urged. "We don't have to waste our time on the likes of him."
"No!" the miko half-shouted.
Sesshoumaru glanced at her again, somewhat surprised at her outburst. It was rare for the miko to display her fits of temper.
"No?" Sesshoumaru asked, now turning towards them. "You do not wish to leave?" He placed a hand on the hilt of Ryouko. Threats were one way to get what he wanted.
"Kagome," Inuyasha growled, placing his own hand on Tessaiga's hilt.
"No!" Kagome said again. She returned Sesshoumaru's glare with one of her own. "I'm not leaving until I tell you what you did to Helen!" She saw Sesshoumaru's jaw tense and his eyes harden. Good, that provoked a reaction out of him.
Sesshoumaru was silent.
"Oh?" Kagome sneered, her voice taunting. "Don't you know what you did to her? I don't know what exactly it is you did, but I do know the consequences!"
"Consequences?" Cold foreboding suddenly crept through him. Had Helen been foolish enough to…perhaps…kill herself?
"Yes, the consequences, you buffoon!" Kagome shouted, her anger now bursting. She was angry for the pain he caused Helen, for breaking her heart. Inuyasha stared at her, somewhat astonished that she could so openly insult Sesshoumaru without incurring the loss of any of her appendages. Some people were just lucky.
"Consequences?" Sesshoumaru repeated, a change in his voice.
Kagome's expression softened somewhat at the change in his tone of voice. "What you did to her…was just too much," Kagome said softly.
No! Sesshoumaru thought frantically. Helen, you fool…
"She…killed herself?" His impassive voice was somewhat tinged with a frantic tone. Helen, how could you be so foolish?
"She's not cowardly enough to do that," Kagome said.
"…" Relief coursed through him. She was alive. He gave himself a mental kick for jumping to foolish and embarrassing conclusions.
"But she's as good as killed herself," Kagome added softly, her voice low.
"What do you mean?" Sesshoumaru asked.
Kagome glared at him, her anger returning. "She's lifeless!" she roared. "She's like a zombie! She doesn't feel—of course not, she's in too much pain to feel anything else! She doesn't talk, she doesn't eat! All she does is stare into space! Do you hear me, Sesshoumaru? You've left her lifeless!"
He was stunned. "You lie," he said, his voice even more indifferent and impassive then ever. He refused to believe that he had hurt Helen that much.
Kagome narrowed her eyes at him. "Believe what you want to believe then," she snapped. "I only came here because I thought you should know. I was wrong. You don't deserve to know anything. In fact…you don't deserve her!"
Sesshoumaru was sorely tempted to throw a retort at the miko as she and Inuyasha left but thought better of it. He was much too preoccupied with what Kagome had told him. Was Helen really…lifeless, as Kagome put it? The thought that he could have caused her that much pain bothered him. No, more than bothered—it tormented him. He stared up at the moon, trying to tell himself that he didn't care…
She's lifeless!She's like a zombie!
He inwardly shuddered as he tried to think of Helen as a lifeless creature. No, he could never see her as that. In his mind, she devoured life and all its glory…
She couldn't be lifeless, could she?
…she's in too much pain to feel anything else!
Damn it, damn it, damn it! The miko's words were doing a good job of making him worry. Pain? Aside from being lifeless, she was in pain too?
…you don't deserve her!
Kagome's last words, the words that had affected him beyond anything else. He let out a sigh. It was true… He didn't deserve Helen, not after all the pain he caused, not after all he had put her through…
He closed his eyes. Was Kagome exaggerating when she said that Helen was lifeless? Had he really hurt her that much?
Of course he had. After all, he had kissed her and then sent her away. Who wouldn't be hurt by such an act?
He should check on her just to see if she really was as lifeless as Kagome made her out to be. And if she really was lifeless? What would he do? Would he…help her? Would he ask her to come back? He growled. This was what was going to prevent him from seeing her—the fact that he would want her to remain with him, the fact that he might not be able to leave her the next time he saw her again…
He let out another sigh. His mind was made up.
He would go to her…just to see if she was alright.
That was all.
Hopefully.
XoXoXo
"We should do something, Kagome," Sango muttered as she folded her sleeping bag. The morning sunlight streamed down on them, warm and lively. The birds twittered listlessly in the treetops, some taking to flight to hunt, others remaining in their nests. They seemed so full of life…
The exact opposite of Helen.
Helen who still remained sitting on the stone she had been leaning against the other night, whose blank and lifeless eyes stared unseeingly into space…
"I did try to do something," Kagome said, sighing. "But I don't think it worked." She stuffed her sleeping bag along with Sango's into her backpack and sighed deeply.
Sango raised an eyebrow at her. "What do you mean?"
Kagome glanced at Helen's direction. "Inuyasha," she called to the hanyou. "Sango and I are off to refill our water bottles, okay?" She took out two water bottles from her backpack and held them up for Inuyasha to see.
He nodded. "Don't take too long, got it?" he demanded. "We've got Naraku to catch."
"Right." Kagome and Sango left the camp and made their way towards a small stream that snaked between the trees.
"So tell me," Sango said as she knelt on the ground and dipped her bottle in the cool water. "What did you try to do that you don't think worked?"
Kagome sighed as she too dipped her bottle into the water. "Well," she said, her voice still low. "I went to Sesshoumaru last night."
Sango's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "And, what'd he say?"
"Not much," Kagome said. "Which is why I don't think my going to him did any good. He was so…indifferent and it annoyed me so much. How could he take Helen's condition so impassively? In the end, I shouted at him."
"Whoa." No one had ever shouted at Sesshoumaru and left his presence, unscathed. "What'd he say…or rather, what did he do?"
"Nothing," Kagome said, shrugging. "He just had the usual look on his face."
"What did you shout at him anyway?"
"I told him he didn't deserve Helen," Kagome answered. "Of course he doesn't deserve her…not after whatever it is he did to her. She's so…desolate now…so depressed. I've never seen anything like it."
Sango now stood up and twisted the cap of her bottle into place. "You're right," she sighed. "He doesn't deserve her…not after he's left her so lifeless—"
"What?" The voice was silky, anxious yet calm, cultured and controlled.
And it came from behind them.
Quick as a flash, Sango spun around, ready to face whatever it was that was hidden in the trees. Kagome quickly stood up, bottle clutched in hand, ready to use it as a weapon.
"Who's there?" Sango demanded, shifting slightly so she stood in front of Kagome. "Show yourself!"
"Don't be alarmed, slayer." A figure emerged from the trees, his golden eyes narrowed slightly and his silver hair rippling in the breeze. For a moment, the strong resemblance to Sesshoumaru made Kagome almost want to growl at him, but on closer inspection, he was far too different to be Sesshoumaru.
"Toshimaru?" Kagome asked, stepping in front of Sango who seemed bewildered.
The dog demon tilted his head slightly at the miko. "You are the miko Kagome?" he asked.
She nodded.
"Wait," Sango said. "You're…Toshimaru? Oh, now I remember. We met you before."
To their surprise, he cracked a small smile at them. "Yes," he agreed. "Once, so I take no offense if you fail to remember who I am."
Sango looked sheepish.
"What are you doing here?" Kagome asked.
"I was on my way to my aunt," he said, his lips now pressed into a hard line. "I overheard you talking about Lady Helen. You said she was…lifeless?" There was a subtle trace of panic and anxiety in both his eyes and his voice. "Is she…dead?" There was a hidden agony in his eyes.
Geez, Kagome thought. I can't believe how quick he and Sesshoumaru easily jump to conclusions. "No," Kagome said, shaking her head. "She's not dead…she's just…lifeless."
Toshimaru narrowed his eyes in confusion. "She acts lifeless," Sango enlightened. "She rarely smiles, rarely talks, rarely eats. All she does is stare into space…"
The demon lord nodded. "She is with you, I take it?" he said.
The two nodded. "How peculiar," he went, as if to himself. "That my cousin should allow her to leave his side is…strange. Not after what Lady Takeida told me…" He looked up at Kagome. "Take me to her, please," he requested. "I wish to see her."
XoXoXo
"You!" Inuyasha roared, glaring at Toshimaru. "What are you doing here?"
"Inuyasha, don't be rude," Kagome reprimanded. "He's just here to see Helen, that's all."
Inuyasha glared at the said demon lord. "And why?" he snapped. "Are you going to take her to Sesshoumaru, is that it?"
"No," Toshimaru said flatly. "I've no intent—indeed, I've no desire—to return her to my cousin. I only came because I wish to see her. That is all."
His words sounded so sincere that Inuyasha relaxed his tense posture. His eyes seemed to soften. He glanced over his shoulder, at the trees. "I think you'd be wasting your time," he said quietly. "She's been in a stupor for days now. We've tried coaxing her, but she won't respond…"
"What could have happened to make her this way?" Toshimaru asked, turning back to Kagome and Sango.
Kagome sighed. She hesitated then answered. "We don't know what Sesshoumaru did to her," Kagome said, sighing. "But what he did made her this way."
Toshimaru frowned. "I knew it was something like that," he said, sighing. "How could he? After the many times he's hurt her, is this to be the final blow? Does he wish her to die of melancholy?" He turned back to Inuyasha. "Where is she?"
"A few yards from here," Inuyasha answered, indicating to a gap between the trees.
Toshimaru nodded then made for the gap between the trees. "Thank you."
The group watched him go. "He seems to care very much about Helen," Miroku remarked.
Kagome nodded. "I can't say the same for a certain demon lord, though."
XoXoXo
"Lady Helen?" The voice was so similar to the voice she longed to hear. She hadn't detected his aura and scent, which he obviously sealed away. Helen quickly spun around on the log she had been sitting on and a wave of disappointment coursed through her, accompanied by the pain she felt. It wasn't him.
"Oh," she said simply, her voice dead. "It's you…Toshimaru." He bore such a striking resemblance to him. In fact, so striking, the pain and the longing only worsened, washing over her like waves, engulfing her, consuming her.
She was as every bit as lifeless as Kagome and Sango made her out to be. Her eyes, it seemed to him, were no longer silver, but a drab gray color, the sparkle in them gone. She seemed pale and there were shadows under her eyes. Maybe it was just his imagination, but did she seem just a bit skinnier than the last time he had seen her? And what had happened to her voice? It was no longer bubbly and full of life, it was flat, dead.
She was indeed lifeless. She was just a hollow shell of who she had been.
What could Sesshoumaru have done to her?
"Helen," he said, making his way towards her. He knelt in front of her, and she looked away. "Oh?" he said softly. "Do you hate me too?"
She didn't answer. His resemblance to him was just too pronounced for her to bear.
He sighed and sat down beside her. "Helen," he began. "You're friends tell me how lifeless you are these days. I'm saddened to say they were right."
She still didn't answer.
"I know you better than this," he went on, as though unaffected by her silence. "I know you wouldn't let something that Sesshoumaru did—" But before he could finish his sentence, she turned to him, her eyes shimmering with tears.
"Please," she begged, as though she were asking him to spare a child. "Please don't say his…name…It…hurts…too much." A single tear rolled down her cheek.
"What has he done to you?" Toshimaru murmured, his finger brushing away the tear. "What has he done?"
She was silent, averting her gaze to stare up at the sky.
"Helen." She looked at him and to her surprise, he drew her into his arms.
XoXoXo
Should he really do this?
Sesshoumaru sighed as he leaned his back against a tree. Several yards away, he could hear Inuyasha and his companions, talking…about him.
"The next time I see Sesshoumaru, I'm gonna lop off that bloated head of his!" Inuyasha declared, venom in his voice.
"After what he did to Helen, you should lop off more than his head," Miroku was saying.
He heard the miko sigh. "C'mon guys, enough," she said. "You've been having a go at him for the past few minutes. Give it a rest."
Everyone was now silent, taking Kagome's advice.
Sesshoumaru frowned. Okay, they hated him; that was to be expected. But where was she? She wasn't here with the rest of them…
A soft breeze blew at him, sending a barrage of scents in his direction.
Her scent was among them and it came from a few yards away.
Okay…
Was he really going to do this? He knew that if he saw her again, there would be a chance that he wouldn't be able to leave her side anymore, but he had to check on her. He had to make sure that she wasn't as lifeless as Kagome made her out to be; because the fact that it would be he who caused her state of lifelessness was just too much for him…
He quietly made his way through the trees, thinking about what he would do and say to her. If she was fine, did that mean that what he did meant nothing to her? If she was fine, he might be able to leave. But, what if she wasn't fine? What if she was indeed lifeless? What then? Would he stay with her, or just leave her alone?
He sighed again. What would it have been like, he wondered idly as he passed the shade of a pine tree, if Lady Shinsuke hadn't sent her away when she was an infant? Maybe, if he had known her when they were younger…
He wouldn't be so stubborn.
Her scent became even more pronounced. She would be beyond these trees. He prepared himself for the usual assault whenever he saw her again and stepped through the trees.
He stopped.
His eyes narrowed dangerously and he clenched his fists.
Toshimaru's arms were wrapped around Helen, drawing her closer to him. He was…kissing her. But that wasn't all. She was kissing him too. How could she? Had she gotten over him that easily? The rage and jealousy that erupted through him was virtually indescribable. Or perhaps, a more apt description was that the anger he was feeling would make a violently erupting volcano look a cheerful, bubbling brook.
A growl threatened to escape his throat and the desire to kill was so strong that even he was shocked. He wanted to slaughter Toshimaru there on the spot. From where he was standing, it would be only too easy…
His eyes narrowed even more dangerously and he unconsciously bared his fangs. The bloodlust was just too strong to control. His vision was clouded with red and he could feel himself start to transform. Yes, let him transform. It would be easier to kill Toshimaru then.
But then, reason overrode his anger. Would he kill Toshimaru, knowing that he was exactly what Helen needed? Helen and Toshimaru still hadn't taken notice of him. It would be so easy to kill…
No.
He mustn't kill Toshimaru.
Toshimaru could…make Helen happy again. He could fix her, bring her back to life when he couldn't.
This thought filled his mind and his vision cleared, though his anger remained. No. He wouldn't kill Toshimaru. Helen seemingly needed him…
He wanted to let out a sigh, but didn't, for fear of being overheard. He admitted defeat.
He turned and left.
XoXoXo
Toshimaru gently wound his arms tighter around her and drew her closer to him. He felt triumph welling up inside him.
He presently pulled away from her at the same time she did. Her eyes were closed and there was the smallest of smiles on her lips…
"Sesshoumaru," she whispered.
Toshimaru froze. Helen…she…had been thinking of...Sesshoumaru? He felt shock course through him, and at the same time, jealousy. He had never felt jealous before…
Helen slowly opened her eyes and shock coursed through her when she realized that it wasn't him. The disappointment and pain she felt were multiplied tenfold. Not only did she feel pain, she felt guilt. Toshimaru's eyes, for once, were blank, expressionless, like his.
"Oh," she whispered, "Toshimaru…I'm…so…sorry…"
Toshimaru pulled himself together and cracked a smile at her. "For what?" he asked.
She bowed her head. Guilt and pain raged through her. What a doofus she was!
Toshimaru was silent, and then he stood up and looked down at her. "I had best be off," he said, standing. "I have to see your mother." He took to the skies and flew off.
Now that he was gone, Helen let the tears roll freely down her cheeks. She didn't know what to feel. The principal emotions that surged through her were pain, guilt and longing. Pain for what he did to her. Guilt for what she did to Toshimaru and longing for him. In short, how could one feel such a barrage of emotions?
She was as lifeless as ever.
XoXoXo
A1969: I know—it's been a while since I last updated. But I've been very busy lately. Final exams are up and I've been busy studying to do much updating lately.
Kagome: true, I saw her studying. I don't think even I can tackle all those books –shudders- scarier than Naraku.
Inuyasha; scarier than Kagome when she wakes up in the morning.
Kagome: what was that?
Inuyasha: erm…gah! –runs-
A1969: anyway, I'm sorry for the uber late update. Oh, and I hope you guys review!