A/N: Probably the longest letter Tim has ever written in his life - and the most brutally honest one.

I sure hope Gibbs is prepared. - Heck, I hope we are!

Distractions gone and his mind clearly focused and resolved to read this and read it all – Gibbs sets his coffee mug down, picks up the letter and tears the envelope open.

Unfolding the pages that are too many to count at first glance – he straightens them out and sets the stack down on the table. With his hand holding the first page down flat, his eyes travel to the top of the page.

*****NCIS*****

Gibbs:

Hope you've had your morning coffee. Several cups actually. Go ahead and set this down until you have. It can wait at least that long.

Got enough caffeine now? Okay. Good.

You asked me to get it all out – so that's what I'm about to do here. I can't guarantee where this will take me – or us when I'm done – but I'm doing as you've asked (and Ziva and Vance, too) - leaving nothing unsaid between us before it's all said and done – I hope.

I want you to know that I'll be giving Tony a copy of this as well. He asked me a while back to help him not make the same mistakes – just as you asked. This is the best way I know how to do that.

I for one, don't want any regrets to come back to – for any of us.

I guess this is the last hurrah – our most promising attempt to air what you've decided (and Ziva and Director Vance agree.) – I need to give voice to.

When thinking about doing this, I found that there was one question I could not seem to find the answer to. How do you lay it all out on paper – the sense of disappointment, hurt, betrayal and disillusionment that invades your soul when you're repeatedly treated like a second class citizen among those considered royal on the same team? Even more uncertain – is how to do to it when years have gone by – for some of it?

Too deep? Too analytical? That's the reason I didn't want to do this- rip it all open again – lay it out there for you to mock or judge – as opposed to learning from, as you've promised to do. But, I'm trusting you – to use this as you said you would. To do just that – learn from it – and demand from yourself that you not repeat the events or behaviors that set this all in motion – in any way – be it big or small.

Please don't turn this back on me – hold it against me. Honor you word – and truly learn from it. If you can do that – then I will consider this time well spent and a decision well made. And more of my trust in you will be restored.

I'll admit that time has dulled the pain and the senses that these events triggered – like disillusionment and the feeling of being lied to, tricked, disrespected and stepped on - so there's no feeling any of those anywhere near the degree now, that I felt them then – as a newbie still learning the ropes and learning who I could trust – to train me right and to keep me safe on the job.

There's certainly no way for you to feel them – or to even understand what it was like to do so. I don't have your background, Gibbs. I'm not military. I don't have any of the background that the others do – law enforcement, Mossad, years as a medical examiner, even. Nothing that would have better prepared me for this job. (They really should put that in a disclaimer on the application, you know.)

You should have taken it into account, at least. Or at least, not forgotten it along the way. The only thing I brought to the team was technical know-how – a willingness to learn and trust.

Trust. I handed it out like candy back then. I guess, in some small degree, I still do. But, Gibbs, back then, I wore it like the shirt on my back and everyone knew it. And took advantage of it. My own vulnerability? Sure. The reason to abuse that trust? Absolutely not!

So then why did you let them?

You're probably thinking that's too harsh, right? Why? You and I both know that trust is too easily broken, shattered, even. It's a precious commodity that we all value greatly – both when we've earned it – and once we've given it. In the end, it's the lack of it – the evidence of that lack that begins to chip away at the foundation of teamwork that's built on that trust.

When that lack of trust – or the misuse of it becomes undeniable – there's no turning back from the outcome – because, trust in those who no longer cherish it – is sometimes not worth the price. When I could no longer trust anyone else on this team to have my back - I had to walk away. Because I was faced with the harsh reality that the only person I worked with that I could trust to look out for me – and keep me safe on the job – was me.

Case in point – the hot tub. When both you and Ducky failed to safeguard my safety – amidst my rather pointed objections – the line was drawn – clearly and in front of everyone there that day. There was no more denying that painful truth- that you could no longer be trusted to protect me on the job. For some unfathomable reason, I was now expendable to you - my safety was no longer a concern to either of you. For any of you. That trust that you had long ago earned – was ripped away – what little was left of it – exposing the nerve – shutting down the machinery that was me operating on that part that was no longer in service.

What little was left? I thought you'd ask that. I've warned you that some of this is ancient – but as you've reminded me – whatever it is that still has me feeling now even a little of what I felt then - is part and parcel of the package deal that became inrefutable proof that the team long ago stopped having my back or even being concerned with my trust that they had it. The solid evidence that I had become expendable to the team. The reason I left the job I had once treasured and lived for.

I already knew I was fighting a loosing battle when I was assigned to this team. That wall that all Probie's have to climb before they're no longer probies; it's unsurmountable, unbreachable on Team Gibbs. I get that. I've understood that since we lost Kate!

It took me a long time to feel like I was really and truly a valued member of your team – a fact that was compounded by the repeated shifts in the team dynamics – you left and my nemesis became my superior in the blink of an eye – then you came back and leadership shifted yet again – and at least once more after that. Actually, by the time you took those four months off, I had already begun to lose that feeling; that sense of belonging and security. It had begun slipping away; tugged away; bit by bit; a little more each day; the stronger yours and Tony's silent agreement up until that point, that the way Tony was treating me was okay.

What little feeling of security that was left, was pulled away from my grasp by the same unspoken agreement between yourself and Abby in regard to the way she treated me.

Speak up! Right? That's what you've always expected from me but never heard? Right?

WRONG! I did speak up – but with nothing to show for it but ridicule, glares and even worse – silence that spoke louder than your few words ever did.

The frenetic pace of the job and the ever present need to put the case and its' victims first - seldom left much time for any deep thinking on what was going on underneath the surface and often forced me to just accept things as they happened along the way; to keep going until the job was done. The job always came first and anything personal – well – didn't even register and we all understood that – no matter the personal cost.

That addresses the question of why I didn't push the issue of making myself heard in regard to any of this before. Because after all, I was only the newbie – or the probie that would always be the probie and susceptible to Tony's crap and the endless supply he had to dish out. And anything ever said about it – was just whining.

And since you never stepped in and put a stop to it – such as the superglue incidents – well the message was loud and clear – that Tony's way was fine and I was just supposed to suck it up and take it. So I did. Because it was what you expected of me.

Twisted my opinion of right and wrong just a little, but what the heck, right? As long as Tony got to have his fun at my expense, everything was fine, right?

Not quite.

My trust in Tony quickly took on a whole new level and an entirely different meaning. I soon became aware that I could trust Tony alright; trust him to put me down for every little thing; to head slap me just because he didn't like something I said; to trick me into throwing my lunch away so I had to work through an entire day without eating – on several occasions, - trust him to criticize me for everything from what I ate to the fact that I wouldn't won't risk my heart on dating again and even to spread the false rumor that I was gay while I was still a very new rookie on a job where DADT is in full force.

Did you know about that? I'm not sure I want to know the answer to that because if you did know he'd done such a horrible thing as to possibly subject me to harassment and even possible physical danger and it turns out that it was yet another deeply invasive wrong that you let him get by with….?

The only way I even found out was because Kate told me. Apparently, the risk of anti-gay antagonism didn't worry Tony – and thank God, I wasn't ever subjected to any – but the worry was constant for months after that and the looking over my shoulder was too.

Especially with Tony continuing to publicly mock my personal life no matter how many times I told him to leave it alone

Do you really think Tony ever gave it even a second thought once he'd achieved his goal of thinning out the dating competition? Other than to internally gloat about it every time the subject of my personal life came up – I mean. I'd stake a year's pay on that answer!

Not exactly the kind of stuff you want to trust someone you work with – who you're partnered up with out in the field - to be capable of.

Shortly after that, Tony showed me that he could be trusted to blame me for Kate's death, almost spitefully and without a second thought. It had been impossible to miss the anger and bitterness in Tony's tone in that little exchange, the grief was too fresh for the senior field agent to contain his feelings.

"Why didn't he pop McGee?"

I know that the night those words were spoken, was an all time low point for all of us. And maybe they weren't meant spitefully. But, I was just as overwhelmed not only by the loss of Kate and the near miss that had changed Ari's focus from me to Kate as the rest of you, even though I wasn't standing there with you when it happened.

So, maybe, I was to blame. And maybe that feeling sitting heavy in my soul already by then was why I heard Tony's words in such a spiteful tone. Shouldering the possibility of being responsible for what happened to Kate, I chose to respect the fact that we were all grieving (and blaming me) and I shoved my own sea of emotions down and silenced it all as I took my cues from you and Tony. After all, it had become apparent by then that a show of weakness of any kind was not something either of you tolerated.

The case in point for that had been made when you let Kate get by with kicking me so viciously in the groin during our session in the gym not too long after I first came to the team, that I was in serious pain for the rest of the day. You never even so much as inquired as to whether or not she'd actually done any damage. In fact, NONE of you did! Why is that? Did you really not care?

Wow – that came from outta nowhere. Okay - here was I? Oh, right. Trust.

Even though he probably hadn't meant what he'd said to be as hurtful as they were heard, the trust that Tony could stoop that low at all - had taken root – right alongside the guilt that it hadn't been me. I wondered sometimes if there wasn't a small part of all of us had died that day, somewhere deep on the inside.

None of us have been the same since that fateful day; although, for Abby's sake in the first few weeks, I tried to hold myself together in order to be there for her. For some reason, when you and Tony were out in the field, you were always leaving me behind.

I knew then, that it was, in all probability, so I could be available for Abby to lean on and so I did whatever you or Tony requested of me. I'd had to shelve my own emotions, fears and inability to let go of the guilt, the blame, the responsibility in order to support the team and just move on. No one ever spoke of it again. It was left hanging on – on the inside – an ever present weight waiting for me at the end of the day.

I'll admit; that night we lost Kate brought up a few pivitol moments for me – that left me reeling with indecision. Erin Kendall, Det. Benedict – other deaths still on my conscience – and all without a single word of support from you – outside of your attempt to help me with Metro cops in the case of Benedict.

Tony did for me, – when I'd killed Benedict - what Kate had done for me when Erin Kendall died on my watch. He tried to reach out to me when I was at my lowest. And I truly appreciated him for that and the effort that he made to make sure I didn't get lost under the weight of it all.

But, I never understood why, as Team Leader, YOU never said a word. I can not tell you the impact that had on me, Gibbs. Words just can't even begin to describe how uncertain I was about my place on the team at those points –uncertain of your opinion and thoughts about those incidents – about your choice to pull me to your team. Especially on the heels of what happened in the driveway of Benedict's dirty partner.

I still can not fathom why you fully expected me to be able to face that man – to help you corner him - after he'd seen my face and knew I was the end to his career. Not to mention, doing so while I was still reeling from having killed the innocent decorated detective to begin with.

When I froze as he pulled his gun on you – for fear of hitting you instead - and you railed at me once you'd taken him out – it seemed as if the world just stopped. I never forgot those words.

"You ever hesitate because you second guess yourself again. I'll take your badge! Are we clear?"

The world didn't stop because of what you said though or because you lost your temper with me – but because the entire situation that had just taken place was like the camel's back had been broken – responsibility – guilt – loss – anger- you name it – it was all there and it all weighed more than my shoulders could carry.

And you didn't give a damn.

For you to never say another word about any of it – Gibbs, please don't ever let another newbie go through what I went through. If nothing else comes from me getting all this out on paper - PLEASE don't let this happen again.

I've been tasered while on the job. I know you know this because you were standing right there when it happened. Have you ever been tasered, Gibbs? Well, it hurts. It's excruciating. It's frightening because you can't move. Your whole body seizes up. It's weird, but that I can accept that it's a risk with our job. What I can't accept is how I was treated for it

No concern! While Tony stood there and laughed his ass off while I was in excruciating pain; you did nothing! I don't even recall you taking the time to make sure I was okay! You left that solely up to Ducky! You sure as hell never asked me how I felt! Not even a glimmer of concern! You always knew that I'm nothing but a geek technical nerd and for all your spouting off about me being good enough for this team; you sure haven't backed that up with any actions even when I was hurt on the job like that

I realized back when Kate was killed that I screwed up more than anyone else on this team. That was what I saw every morning when I got out of bed and got ready for work. I was reminded of that every day when I thought of Erin and Benedict!

You think it's been easy to live with that? You think it's been easy coming in here every day for all this time knowing that I'm probably gonna screw up something today; or get hurt; or get someone else hurt? Knowing that I'm just being tolerated because somehow I just can't seem to screw up enough to get tossed out on my ass? Knowing the real reason I've kept my job was so you wouldn't have to train a new technical person to be chained to the desk in my place?

I'm not sure if it was your intention to toughen me up by acting so cold and uncaring – but I'm pretty damned sure that you don't want the results to be anywhere close to what they almost were for me. Let me just say that the only reason I still kept coming in to work – not giving up – not giving in – wasn't because of you or Tony – but because of my grandmother, Penny.

Penny is the reason I didn't walk away. Penny is the reason I regained my footing enough to keep going and fought to get my life's balance back. She's the reason I was who I was before I came to NCIS and in large part – the reason I was able to pull good experiences out of the bad while I was here – and let them shape me more so than the bad.

Then why did I finally quit? Because no one should ever be made to feel like they don't matter to those they have to work with and trust their lives to. Ever. That is why I will never feel guilty about walking away, Gibbs.

That and the realization that I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes – and said some things that shouldn't have been said – when cornered or harassed – or just having a bad day. I've taken great pains to apologize for them, however – and tried not to leave them unaccounted for.

Are you as certain that the next newbie will have a solid family to fall back on – as you assumed I did? I'm guessing that's why you were never there when I was hurt on the job – like you were for the others? You just thought my family would step in and take care of things?

Funny, I thought one of your rules was never assume anything? The only family support…. Never mind. You don't care to know about that. Where was I? Oh, Rules.

Yeah, let's talk about rule breaking on the team. Tony was allowed to break a doozy, early on – in my second year, right after Ziva first got here. I learned then that Tony could be trusted to lie to my face, trick me into not volunteering for a job that he knew Vance was waiting for volunteers for. I know you remember that incident. I've often wondered what your thoughts were on it. You never once said anything about it.

The rule he broke? Never screw over your partner! He'd screwed me over royally with this one– broken one of your rules at my expense – and you never said a word! Part of my trust in you disintegrated at that realization, Gibbs- the very fact that you never once addressed what he'd done or the fact that he could just stand there and act like he'd done nothing wrong! Did neither one of you give a damn about what Vance could have done to my record with that kind of incident?

Need another example?

You have to know that the line that Tony continuously crossed with his infringement on my personal life – should not have been crossed even once. When he openly harassed me about the lotion and supposedly being gay – you just as openly mocked me about my 'feminine glow' – thereby plainly sending the message that his mockery and his trip into what should have been 'off limits' was clearly okay with you.

I'm not sure that's what you set out to do with that – but I'm pretty sure, you really didn't intend to have crossed that line yourself. So, I let it go. But, it was certainly not appreciated.

Just as it wasn't appreciated when you repeatedly let him get by with continuing to cross that line – invading my space, my desk, my phone, etc. Expecting me to snap him back in line myself when he'd made it abundantly clear to the world at large that he didn't give a damn what I had to say about his behaviors.

I have to say that – that incident was one of the first of many times that I felt my trust in your ability and or willingness to support me on the job just as much as you did Tony, Kate and eventually, Ziva – begin to slip.

Not sure which rule it was that got broken in there – but if there's not one that fits – there darn well should be.

Eventually, I began to notice that it was a trend with the two of you – Tony breaks a rule – and you over-look it. Going lone wolf – not being available at all times – screwing over your partner, etc.

I break a rule, by accident by not fully protecting Abby – even if it's from herself and I catch hell and publicly, as in the Mawher case. Enough said.

Enough said because that brings us to the point where Abby's behavior repeatedly become my responsibility – as reckless as it was – over and over again. This was a major catalyst for the downhill slide things took from there – as even more trust filtered away –until that last case that became the last straw - where she recklessly ditched me to chase after the Professor she needed to talk to – and took herself off grid – and I caught hell for that, too.

Yes, I've left a lot of incidents out – but underneath all this laid out stuff, they still remain part and parcel of the trust issue – mainly the whole incident with Hansen's dog. For you and Ducky both to ignore my well-being and not only expect me to drive the dog that had just attacked me – back to the Navy yard – by myself – but let me do it without so much as a glimmer of concern for me?

Gibbs – THAT was why – when you finally stopped long enough to ask me if I was okay – I had to stop and think of what to say. The reason, I said I was okay – was because I knew it was the only answer you really wanted to hear. You didn't even catch how surprised I was that you stopped long enough to care!

You proved that by not even checking back with me for the rest of the day. Even the next day when Tony so thoughtlessly subjected me to that prank with the "When Dogs Attack" cd in my computer – almost giving me a heart attack – all you could do was throw in a callous remark about "all bark and no bite, just like the rest of my team'

What the hell was that? Did you not give a damn that the incident was still affecting me and for the extra adrenaline surge to be compounding the situation was not helpful at all? Did it not even cross your mind that a shock like that to someone's already vulnerable health – still suffering the effects of the drug from the dog's saliva – could have seriously physically harmed me even worse?

What was going through your mind when he played that prank on me, Gibbs? I often wondered about that. Why were you so callous and cold about it all?

And Abby! Did you seriously not care how she treated me through it all? Was toughening me up to your standards where emotions or even respect – is thrown out unless handed out by you - that damned important? Was keeping her happy so much more important to you than her treating people with respect? Than her obeying safety and protocol rules? Following orders?

Was treating her so much like untouchable royalty really worth losing team members who would have done anything for you?

I know I'm all over the place with this – and everything's out of sequence – but I can't help what comes to mind or when it does. So, I'm getting it down as it comes to me. Part of what has it all jumbled is the catch-22 you and I have been in all these years.

While you were waiting for me to somehow get the brash and callous Tony to listen to me – I was waiting for you to suddenly step up and give a damn.

Again – I can't apologize for anything that winds up in these pages – you asked for the truth and the emotions that came from the incidents – so that's what's here.

Just as the next piece that comes to mind now is the recklessness you allowed to happen regularly on the job with the driving – yours, Ziva's and even Tony's deliberate hard-ass breaking just to see how hard I'd get bounced around in the back of the truck.

Did it seriously never occur to any of you just how life-threatening that was?

Please don't let that happen to anyone else!

I guess that last piece that made a large impact on me over the years was when Vance split the team. Those four silent months in Cyber-crimes. We worked in the same building all those weeks, Gibbs - you and I.

And not once did you speak to me. It was as if you'd disowned me – as if the years I'd given to you – the loyalty and the trust I'd given to you – meant nothing.

Your golden boy was far from home so the sole member of your team still under your roof didn't matter to you. Tell me I wasn't supposed to feel the sting of that?

And when you brought Tony and Ziva back – you welcomed them both with open arms and a firm handshake an even a smile. For me – you offered – more silence. As if you held me responsible for it all.

From that moment on, it seemed as if I was fighting a losing battle against a mountain of guilt for which I wasn't even aware I carried. After all, I had only done what the rest of you have done before – followed orders even when the others on your team don't like them or even know about them. How does one manage to win that one, anyway?

Month after month, case after case, you partnered Tony with Ziva – undercover- out of the country – everywhere – always leaving me behind! Why? I was never given so much as a single reason.

Because I was still being held responsible for following Vance's orders about keeping you in the dark regarding that case that sent me to Cybercrimes?

Because you long ago deemed me unable to do the job outside of the office unless I was being babysat?

The coldness and silence continued and began to seep into everything I saw on the job.

Hell, even when that spy turned American girlfriend tried to kill me – you barely blinked. You certainly didn't even spare me any concern.

I guess, what I'm trying to say here, Gibbs, is all of this bears improvement.

While it did help toughen me up – it certainly wasn't worth the personal costs. It certainly wasn't worth being left to feel like you didn't give a damn about me as a person – the way you did all the others.

Not to me – that's why I left.

There. It's all here. I think. If it's not – then it's not a point that's coming to mind at the moment.

I'm not sure this is what you had in mind when you asked me to get it all out – but I hope this serves the purpose you wanted it to.

Respectfully,

Tim (You already know my last name)

P.S. I hope you try to remember that everyone deserves to be called by their first name – not just your favorites.

Your favorites – yeah, that's another battle – for another time, I suppose. But as Team Leader? It's not really conducive to the best functioning of a team for there to be 'favorites.'

******NCIS********

Gibbs drops the last page down on the table and sits back in his chair, numb with the brunt of all Tim has just laid bare for him - in such gut-wrenching honesty with no holds barred. "Wow."

Next up - we get back to Tony's answer to Tim's question - among other things...