"Tell me something, Tony. If you had to choose between asking your friend to keep a secret - possibly forever - or keeping that friend in the dark so he wouldn't be keeping things from the boss - which would you do?"
It's been several minutes since Tim's asked Tony the question after they'd finished their meal and for once the older man stops to think before he attempts to open his mouth. As he takes the time to savor his coffee, he realizes it's a question he's never thought he'd be asked and certainly one he's never allowed himself too much time to think about until now. He's always flying by the seat of his pants as things unfold, as it were, dealing with the consequences of his choices after the fact - confident that he's made the right choice with whatever's come out of his mouth because he's let his instincts and his gut (or in some cases, Gibbs' gut) guide him.
He's fairly certain that even though Gibbs is no longer Tim's boss, the younger man is indeed asking this in reference to the man who's been their boss for ages now. So, what would he do if he were faced with that choice? Hell he has faced that choice before and he's chosen to follow Gibbs' rule #4:
The best way to keep a secret? Keep it to yourself. Second best? Tell one other person - if you must. There is no third best.
Case in point - Jean Benoit - where he kept the op of using the building of a relationship with her to get the goods on her old man completely away from everyone, save one - the person who'd put him on the OP to begin with. Okay, that's not exactly true. While he did keep Tim and Ziva and even Gibbs in the dark, they were certainly affected by it and by who he became while he lived those two lives. It's not as if he he's proud of having belittled their concerns for him or of the lying to them. Wait! Is that what this is about?
Tim watches as Tony attempts to work through the question. He's surprised; he hadn't considered that the older man would actually take the time to think about the question before he answered it or take this so seriously. Respectfully, he silently gives Tony a few minutes to mentally wrestle with his thoughts.
Tony can see before he even attempts to offer up an answer to the question, that the look in his former team mates' expression has changed from one of being in a good mood and happy to see him, to very serious and less than happy. He watches as the smile leaves those big green eyes and suddenly, the atmosphere at the table is noticeably less jovial. His mouth begins to work but nothing comes out at first. Since it's not really clear what Tim's fishing for, the answer Tony needs to offer up isn't exactly certain, either.
As the silence grows longer, Tim shifts in his seat, mentally hitting on the realization that this conversational turn has taken the joy out of the morning. He locks down on his own rising tide of emotions; stemming from having his the healing wound of his long standing situation with Tony ripped open anew both with digging down deep while he wrote everything out last night and now with the older man's own question a few minutes ago. Would this ever leave him alone for longer than a few hours?
Breakfast wasn't supposed to have turned into yet another rehashing of the old stuff and he can't help but issue himself a severe mental head slap for the fact that it has become just that. Considering it's a moot point, Tim reins this whole conversation in before it goes any further. "It's a rhetorical question, Tony. I don't want to know the answer. You do. Because you'll need to remind yourself of that answer any time in the near future that you expect information from Ziva that she won't be giving you."
Glancing from one of his friends to the other and back again, Tony attempts to comprehend what he's being warned about as part of his brain relaxes that this obviously isn't about that op gone bad. "Okay. I'm missing something.
Between the conversation a few minutes ago that took Tim back to his early days on the team - and his attempt now to warn Tony not to push Ziva for new information - Tim's mood has already changed and he hates it. With his less than good mood now coloring his tone, he looks Tony straight in the eye and tells him the only thing he wants him to know.
"I'm leaving, Tony. I've been reassigned. And I want you to promise me - promise both of us that you will not harass Ziva or invade her privacy - to get information just because you can't handle not knowing everything that's going on.
"What? When? Why?" Tony sputters.
Tim shakes his head. "Need to know and you don't."
"Wait a minute! I thought we'd patched things up between us, man! I thought we were okay and that you understood that you could come to me and trust me about anything. All of a sudden you can't talk to me?" Tony demands.
With a deep sigh, Tim keeps his eyes on his former teammate as he answers him from the heart, his tone full of regret. "No. Tony. I can't. We're not there yet. And if you really think it's all of a sudden - then you've been asleep at the wheel for a long time and it's time for you to wake up now."
As Tony sits back in shock mixed with disbelief and hurt, Ziva glances at Tim with a look of confusion at his euphemism but remains silent. She sees that he needs to leave the table before things get ugly. It's obvious the time he's taken over the weekend to get things out on paper for Gibbs - has unearthed some unhealed wounds with Tony's name on them and she can understand that. She sees it in his mood change. What's more, she completely understands because she's been there - not necessarily with anyone on this team, but she has been there.
Getting to her feet, she waits until he's slid from the booth and gotten to his feet beside her before she wraps one arm around his waist, leans in and kisses him on the mouth, tantalizing him just enough to bring him back down from the abyss of regret and anger he seems to be headed for.
"I'm sorry."
She shakes her head at him, not wanting him to think he owes her that. "Do not be."
Melting into her one armed embrace, he shudders with the effort to calm down even as he returns the kiss briefly. Stepping back from her just enough to speak to her, he whispers. "I need some air."
Nodding, she lets him go, turning to watch him leave as she sits back down at the table with Tony.
Hunched over his coffee mug, Tony's irritated question comes almost immediately "What the hell was that? Happy to see me one minute, can't get away from me fast enough the next? And not there yet? WHAT is that?"
Sympathetic to Tony's confusion, Ziva calmly attempts to explain just enough that the frustration will fade into at least a touch of understanding. "Tony, he has...Gibbs asked him to tell him everything that impacted his decision to leave the team. With that freshly on his mind, it is not easy for him to be happy having yet another conversation about anything that took place during his early time on the team."
Surprise crosses Tony's face as he sits back and looks across the table at her "Can't say I saw that comin'. Never thought Gibbs was the type to go dredging up the past."
"Apparently, Gibbs believes it is important that everything be opened and hashed out - instead of allowing Tim to bury it forever and possibly permanently damage his relationship with not only Gibbs, but whomever else this may somehow affect."
Tony shakes his head. "Not buyin' that it was Gibbs' idea. It's just not him."
"Perhaps not at first. However, he was not in Vance's office very long and even you noticed his mood when he came back."
"Are we talkin' about McGee here or Gibbs?"
"You have speculated that this decision to air these things from the past could not have come from Gibbs, yes?"
"Well, yeah. I mean it's just not something Gibbs would do, Ziva." Tony insists as he crosses his arms in front of his chest. There has to be more to this and he's not letting her leave him in the dark any longer.
"You are correct, Tony. At least, not without some strong advice from someone he listens to."
"So Gibbs got the idea from Ducky, then."
"Perhaps. But that is not whom I was speaking of. Director Vance encouraged Tim first."
"Whoa! What the heck's Vance doin' in the middle of somethin' like this?" Tony demands in surprise.
"Vance understands that leaving things left unsaid between yourself and someone important to you - when you do not know when or if you will return - can have very long lasting effects - for the both of you. He is a father, is he not?"
"Well, yeah."
"And has Gibbs not been like a father to both you and Tim?"
"Yeah. Okay."
"Tony, even though Gibbs has not been there for Tim nearly as much as he has been there for you, Tim still holds the man as closely to his heart as you do."
"I doubt it. Sure we'd both take a bullet for him without regret but..."
"Tony, do you believe that Tim is capable of no longer holding someone dear to his heart simply because they do not value him nearly as much?" Ziva asks quietly.
"So this all about the mushy stuff then." Tony complains. "Not a lot of sympathy here, Ziva."
"I thought you were his friend!"
"I am his friend! Tony angrily defends himself. "More than that! He'll always be like my kid brother, Ziva. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna go get all soft about any of this or even ever admit that to his face. Matter of fact, if you ever tell him I said it, I'll deny it.
"That is why you reacted so badly the first day he came back after leaving the team, yes?" She struggles to understand why such a negative reaction erupted with both him and Abby, but mainly Tony, if Tony really feels this way.
"Why the hell do you think I spent his first two years here being such a hard-ass on him? You think I did it so he could just up and split? You think I did it for kicks?"
"Some of it, yes! More importantly, Tim believes it as well! And it was more than just his first two years here, Tony. But that is not the point!"
"Okay. If that's not the point, then what is? And what happened to that talk he and I had months ago in his apartment? You remember - the one where we said enough had been cleared up and that we were cool?"
"Tony, Tim met you in the middle that night because he wanted peace with you. That does not mean that the two of you reached a deep understanding of exactly what went wrong between you. "
Tony sits back and contemplates what she's just reminded him of. She's right. Then again, she usually is when it comes to Tim. She does know him better than the rest of them do; well now, anyway. Since it has been months since they've had that talk, Tony's brain is struggling to remember exactly what was said, but it does manage to pull up a sliver of it.
"McGee. I get that I screwed up with you. I get that I treated you like crap. And I get that I let it go too far - too often. I'm sorry. I know that doesn't fix it or erase it, but I meant it when I said I really do regret the times I over-stepped."
"I know, Tony. And I accept your apology. And rather than go digging through this pit, can we just leave it there, please?"
"Why?"
"Because I hate digging, Tony. It's messy, uncomfortable and doesn't erase anything."
"Okay, man. So long as we're good. I'm okay with not digging."
"We're good."
"You know you can come to me about anything. Right?
"Yeah, Tony. I know. I appreciate it, too."
"That's what buds are for."
"Tony?" Ziva calls him back from his memory.
"Yeah?"
"What is it?"
"Just remembering some of what we said to each other that night he and I talked. Guess he really didn't believe me when I said he could come to me about anything. Never took him for someone that would say something he didn't mean."
"Tony, he did mean that he knew you were serious in your offer. Just as he meant his appreciation for the offer. But, he also knew that his ability to trust you that deeply any longer was not there."
"He could have told me that."
"He wanted peace, Tony. He did not want to hurt you."
"So, McGee the peacemaker lets mountains of unresolved bullshit sit under his gut and uses it as an excuse not to be straight with me?" Tony's getting pissed and right now he doesn't care how loud he gets.
"Tony, stop!" Ziva hisses angrily. "You only have yourself to blame!"
Deflated, Tony sits back and closes his eyes. This was so not supposed to happen. They're friends and he came here happy to be having a meal with them away from work where they could talk. Now it's disintegrating right in front of him. Tiredly he asks. "How the hell is this my fault?"
"Tony. Have you not operated the very same way for years now? You tell people only what you want them to hear, striking out at them verbally and with little thought to the thoughtlessness of it to make sure they do not get too close; while shielding them from what you are really feeling and thinking. You cannot get angry if Tim has learned from that! If you want to get angry at someone for behaving that way - you must first be willing to get angry at yourself!"
Wow, okay, that one hurt. Sighing, Tony remains quiet as he goes back to drinking his coffee. Draining it empty, he lifts the carafe on the table and pours himself a fresh cup and fixes it the way he likes it. Still silent, he lifts the cup back up and drinks from it, slowly as his brain attempts to process what it's just been thrown. With that sharp reminder of the huge difference between Tim's way of handling things and his own, Tony realizes she's right. He can't, in all good consciousness, fault Tim for handling things the way he has.
Ziva remains equally silent although she busies herself stirring the spoon in her coffee without actually drinking from her cup. She knows she's just been unusually harsh with her friend but she didn't know how else to make sure he got the point. She knows Tim's not infallible and that he's made bad decisions through all of this - mainly about not talking things out more with the people who'd hurt him and lost his trust. But, she also knows that work has kept all of them not only extremely busy but also challenged and exhausted. She's talked with Tim repeatedly about this and one of his biggest concerns these last six months has consistently been that it wasn't the right time for his former team if they're coming off a case.
Tony breaks into the silence. "Even if you are right, Ziva, none of that tells me why he was sitting here going through a mood swing right in front of me."
"Tony. Not only did Tim have a very hard time agreeing to dig deep and open old wounds once more for Gibbs, but he attempted several times to do so in a conversation with Gibbs in person. Neither of which worked out very well."
"Is this getting us back to the point soon? Because you're not exactly answering my questions."
"The point, Tony - is that after several failed attempts to do things Gibbs' way, Tim decided to write it all down instead. This opened the door much wider for the wounds he was reexamining on paper to hurt that much more. "
Tony sighs. "Okay. I get it. Having to spell it all out on paper does pull your soul back into it more. And since he and I haven't actually flat ironed every little thing that I did to him, thinking about it still pisses him off. Jeez. Is this ever gonna go away?"
"All I can tell you is that his new post is not very close to D.C. So yes, Tony, this will 'go away."
Tony feels like he's been punched in the gut. "Damn, Ziva, I didn't mean it like that!
Searching his face for the true meaning behind his words, Ziva nods gently as she works to cool her temper. "Good."
Feeling the rising tension in the air, Tony changes the subject to something still unanswered yet just as important to him. "So, that's why the long faces on the two of you? I'm guessing this has something to do with the look on McGee's face when he came out Vance's office the other day? This is about his leaving?"
With all the genuine sympathy he has within him, Tony attempts to share some to let her know he's on her side. "That answers my question. That woulda put that look on my face too."
"Really?" Ziva asks with blatant disbelief as his sympathy comes across as barely below the surface. "Do YOU have a girlfriend you are trying to build a solid relationship with that will last forever? One that you now have to leave behind for at least a year, if not longer, Tony?"
Tony shakes his head sadly. "No. But I get it."
"No, Tony, I do not think you do, 'get it'." The heat is gone from her tone and now there is only sad resignation.
It breaks his heart to see and hear her so sad and to know that such drastic changes are happening to her and Tim. When he'd first been told by the both of them that they were dating, he'd been shocked and even a little ticked that Ziva had let herself feel that closeness with Tim and not with him; but he'd found a way to be happy for them.
Hearing that Tim's is being reassigned far enough away that it has upset them both, hurts the way it would normally hurt when family is dealt such a blow in life. They both deserve better. Sure, he's still a little pissed at Tim's less than honest approach to dealing with the past between him, but that doesn't make him any less sympathetic to what they're facing now.
"What is it you think I don't get, Ziva?" His serious and genuinely concerned tone has her readjusting herself in her seat so that she may focus on answering him the best way she can that will get the point across.
"This will not be easily solved. I will not be going with him. We do not know how long we will be apart."
"You can transfer, can't you?" Tony asks with surprise. "That is if you wanted to. You don't have to stay separated, Ziva."
"It is not that simple, Tony. Tim does not want me to give up this team. He knows that I love working here, with you and Gibbs and Ducky. He used to love it as well. He did not want to give up this team. He only did so when he felt he had no choice."
"Because we kept treating him like crap." Tony admits with abject regret. "And now he's being transferred. I'm still tryin' to figure out why that is."
"The reason that Tim must transfer far from here to get the training he should have already gotten - the reason my relationship with Tim is being torn like this... the person responsible - is Gibbs
"HOW DARE YOU BLAME GIBBS?"
Both Tony and Ziva sit back in shock as they take in the outraged screech and the unexpected arrival of their resident Lab Rat.
"Abby, what the hell are you doin' here?" Tony asks in disappointment and frustration. "And lower your voice, damn it!"
Abby plops herself down on the seat next to Tony, forcing him to move over enough that they aren't on top of each other. Glaring at Ziva across the table from her, the older woman is practically snarling with anger. "I cannot believe after all that man has done for you, that you would sit there and blame him for anything! If anyone's to blame, it's McGee! He's been barely speaking to me for the last six months - after all that time we spent fixing things between us while we taught that class together! Hell, the whole agency's talking about how he's been too good to talk to any of us since he's been back! And if that's not bad enough - he had to go and lose his temper the other day and yell at Gibbs - in public! It's no one's fault but his own if Vance has no more use for him here! How DARE he blame Gibbs! How dare YOU!"
"ABBY!" Tony snaps angrily. "What. Are. You. Doing. Here?"
She huffs out a breath with great exaggeration as if greatly put out at the question that changes the subject from her own agenda. With anger still radiating off of her in waves, she petulantly answers his question. "I was passing by and saw your car, Tony. I thought maybe we could have lunch together. But, then I heard what Ziva just said and couldn't believe my ears!" At this, Abby's attention returns once again to the woman sitting across from her.
"Obviously." Ziva remarks dryly as she glares back without blinking. She is past angry and knows she can no longer remain here without this become far less than pleasant. It is not something any of them need to let happen. Still, she needs to take a minute to calm down before she attempts to leave because she knows Abby will have something more to say when she does.
"Who do you think you are; blaming Gibbs for anything McGee's done?" Abby is practically snarling. The last six months of changes and adjustments with a hell of a lot less time with her '3 musketeers' has affected Abby's ability to stop and listen or for that matter, even pause long enough to question before letting her reactions take over.
Sure she'd gotten to work with Tim for that class and they'd even managed to talk - for like a minute. And she'd been cool with that, but since then, it's been like her entire world has shifted on its' axis and even Gibbs no longer makes his thrice daily trip down to see her, laden with her much needed supply of Caf-Pow. When he does come down to the lab, it's for his case and he's entirely professional; well, alright, a lot less personal than he used to be but at least he still asks if she's alright and asks her how she's doing. But, the extra closeness is gone and she misses it.
The icing on the rotten cake happened at the coffee shop when she overheard Gibbs' conversation with Tim outside. She'd been floored enough that she'd eased herself back inside out of sight and plopped herself down at the nearest table, her back to them both, while she'd tried to process what she'd heard. At first it had been funny to realize she'd been able to get past them without them noticing her, as she'd arrived and gone in for her order. But, after she'd overheard the two of them...well, nothing's been the same since!
She's had a few days to think about things and hasn't exactly spoken to anyone about it yet. But, one thing she does know is that the Tim McGee she thought she knew is long gone - replaced by someone a lot more selfish than she'd ever imagined. She'd driven herself almost crazy thinking about all weekend and finally realized she needed to talk to Gibbs. But first, she'd taken a scenic drive to calm down. Incidentally driving by this diner just now, she'd been overjoyed to see Tony's car in the parking lot and to see him and Ziva sitting together having a meal. What's more, they weren't out with McGee. She'd been anxious to get in there and join them - anticipating the chance to reconnect with them.
Hearing those words out of Ziva's mouth had stopped her cold. But she'd seized the moment and grabbed her anger by the tail to hurl it at Ziva with all her might. Someone had to defend Gibbs! Now if the Israeli born woman would just answer her, they could get to the bottom of this horrible confusion she's walked into!
The silence grows thick and heavy as Ziva exchanges glances with Tony before getting to her feet. Looking down at Abby, she allows her anger to show clearly as she speaks in her warning tone, dangerously low and full of steel. "I will not discuss this with you and if you are as smart as Gibbs believes you to be, you will not speak another word of this to anyone."
With her held high, Ziva walks away without another word, taking herself outside, deliberately keeping her steps normal and confident. Needing to try to find Tim because she knows he won't have left her here without letting her know that, she takes herself to the corner and looks down to the right. Sure enough, there on a bus-stop bench, Tim sits basking in the sunlight, his head laid back on his neck and his shoulders laid back and his arms outstretched along the back of the bench.
Pausing to enjoy the view, she smiles from her heart.
*****NCIS*****
When he'd come outside, Tim had been angrier than he'd wanted to be so his first order of business as he'd scouted for a place to sit and chill, had been to force his mind to shut the door on the entire situation. There was a reason he'd left this under Gibbs' door earlier this morning and refused to discuss it again - that is until Tony brought it up when he'd sat down with them. Then again, he can't really blame Tony because he'd known the risk of this very thing happening when he'd invited the man to breakfast.
He still treasures his friendship with the older man but that doesn't mean he trusts him near as much as he used to on a personal level. The question of whether or not that makes him a bad person doesn't really concern him because he knows down deep, he'd still take a bullet for the man if it came down to it - and that will probably never change.
Sure, their talk months ago left a lot of answered question and even more unresolved points of contention from Tim's point of view, but he deliberately left it there because it has never been about keeping score or flaying anyone over their past behaviors. Make an overall point here and there; yes - roasting any of them over the coals to make that same point - no. In fact, if Tony hadn't brought it up himself, that whole incident with the ladies in accounting being told Tim was gay - would have remained silently spelled out in the written explanation Tim gave Gibbs just this morning.
The explanation. Right. In it, he'd told Gibbs that Tony would be getting a copy as well. And he will. Just not today. Tim refuses to set that up - knowing it will only lead to fireworks and more deep diving than he's prepared to do. He's not looking for a discussion about it or an argument or even a pissing contest. He's not adverse to Tony being privy to the details that Gibbs now has. He's just not willing to let him have it before Tim's on his way out of town.
He forces himself to breathe calmly as he lets it all go. It's been talked out and written out - enough is enough and it's time to move on. Finally, he feels at peace about it as he takes in the sunshine.
****NCIS****
Smiling softly, Ziva walks over to Tim and stops in front of him. "Mind if I join you?"
Opening his eyes, he smiles sheepishly at her as he sits up to make room for her on the bench.. "Sorry. I just ha..."
Ziva shakes her head at him while she gets comfortable next to him. "Do not apologise to me for enjoying the beauty of the day."
"The day just got a whole lot more beautiful now that you're here." Tim offers as he pulls her close and together they snuggle under the warm sunlight.