Part II: Therapy

Chapter 3

Tim sat anxiously in the conference room, waiting for the shrink to arrive. This was a special quickly-convened session. He didn't think it was as vital as Gibbs seemed to...as Vance had seemed to. He'd only finished his requisite therapy sessions from the hostage situation a month...a few weeks ago anyway. He wasn't excited about the idea of having to do it again...especially not when he acknowledged that he'd been dumb about punching Tony, especially when he was already being reprimanded for it. ...especially when he couldn't figure out how to explain it anyway.

Shrinks were all the same. You couldn't just have a simple problem of acting stupid. There always had to be some reason for it. Something dark and hidden and...

"Agent McGee?"

Tim jumped and met the entirely-too-kindly gaze of the shrink who was poking her head in the door.

"That's me," he said, trying to act unconcerned. He was certain that he'd failed miserably.

"Why don't you just stay there. I'll get set up and we'll get started."

"Okay." Tim sank back down to his chair and watched nervously as the psychologist began to pull a tape recorder out of her bag, along with various and sundry other materials. He stood up again.

"Have a seat."

"Look, Dr. ..."

"Andrews."

"Dr. Andrews, this whole thing has been blown way out of proportion. I apologized to Tony. I've received an official reprimand for being an idiot. This is just a formality, right?"

Dr. Andrews pointed to the chair. "Wrong. This is not a formality. You were not an idiot, Agent McGee."

"Punching out Tony might have been one of the most satisfying moments in my tenure at NCIS but it's not the most intelligent thing I've done."

"So, why did you do it?"

"He was...making all these comments during this case about Louisa Grady, our suspect. She was a former beauty queen and Tony thought that was hilarious. I was tired of it. Then...after she...after they had to shoot her, he called her a lunatic and I guess that was it. I'd had enough."

"Sit down, Agent McGee."

Tim sat back down, resigned to the fact that this was not going to be fast.

"You don't think she was disturbed?"

Tim rolled his eyes. "Of course, she was. I'm not blind. She killed someone. She would never have done that had she been in her right mind. She wasn't that kind of person."

"How do you know that?"

"I read all of the things we gathered about her, talked to her friends during the interviews. She was a...a good person. ...and Tony shouldn't have talked about her like that. It was mean and unnecessary."

"What about the victim?"

"Sgt. Grover?" Tim asked...and again felt his mouth stretch into a smile at the name. He quickly suppressed it. Not quickly enough.

"Something funny, Agent McGee?"

"I'm sorry. I know it's really inappropriate."

"Tell me."

"Well...whenever I say that name or read it...I just...I..." Tim let out a helpless chuckle. "I get this image of Grover from Sesame Street? I see him wearing a battle helmet or something."

Dr. Andrews jotted down a few notes. "And that's all right? Teasing about Louisa Grady is rude but you can make jokes about the victim and that's okay?"

"I never said it out loud! I told you it was inappropriate."

"But you're still thinking it. You even laughed. There must be a part of you that finds it entertaining."

"Look, it's...it's just a reaction! I know it's wrong. I didn't ever say that. Tony never holds back. And Louisa didn't have anyone to speak for her."

"Oh, I see. Agent DiNozzo made fun of the suspect; so it's your job to make fun of the victim?"

"No!" Tim stood up again. "You're twisting this all around and making it sound like I don't feel sorry for...for the guy being dead."

"Do you?"

Tim made a sound of exasperation. "Of course! He didn't deserve to die. ...but neither did Louisa."

"Agent McGee, you were a hostage a few months ago, weren't you?"

Tim sat down abruptly. "Yes."

"At a prison?"

"Yes. This must be in my file."

"Well, this was a last-minute appointment. I haven't had the time to read everything. If you'd like to sit around while I read, I can, but it's just as easy to ask you. I can always verify later."

"You think I'd lie?"

"Would you?"

"No! I want to get this over with. I'm already suspended for a week for what I did. I don't want to make it worse."

"That's good. So...did you make any...friends with the guards or...or the prisoners?"

"I actually knew one of the guards. We were at FLETC together. She wanted to get together...after."

"Did you?"

"Why is this important?"

Dr. Andrews just smiled at his combative tone. "It might not be. Most people feel more comfortable answering inconsequential questions."

"We went out, realized that it was way too awkward after the prison...and the...and everything that happened there. We talk occasionally, but there's nothing going on. We can move off my love life now."

"All right."

"Besides, this has nothing to do with the prison and me being a hostage."

"Really? You've diagnosed yourself?"

"It doesn't have to be complicated," Tim said.

"That's true. It doesn't. So, why don't you tell me what your diagnosis is?"

"Why? You probably have something else in mind."

Dr. Andrews smiled again. "Maybe I do. Let's see. What do you think prompted you to punch out your coworker?"

"I told you. I got mad at him for being insensitive about Louisa and I let my anger override my common sense. That's it."

"I'm afraid not."

"What do you know that I don't? I was there. You weren't."

"Why did your anger override your common sense this time? Surely Agent DiNozzo has bothered you other times...probably more personally than this case."

"Sure. He gets on my nerves all the time."

"Then, why this time?"

"I was just...just a little tense." Tim stared at the table. "I don't like that Louisa had to die."

"She was about to shoot you, was she not?"

"She wouldn't have done it," Tim said softly. "She wasn't that kind of person."

"She was raising the gun to shoot you."

"She wouldn't have done it."

"You know that?"

"I just told you! She was a good person...just...just disturbed."

"Yes, she was disturbed, Agent McGee. Not in her right mind. The same not in her right mind that she was when she killed a man you seem to completely disregard. What if Louisa Grady had aimed her weapon at Agent DiNozzo rather than at you? Would you have shot her to stop her from killing your teammate?"

Tim hesitated. "Of...of course."

"Just not for yourself?"

Tim stood up again. "This isn't...you're making too big a deal out of this! Yeah, I screwed up! I know that! I might be responsible for Louisa dying. I punched out Tony and I shouldn't have. Everyone makes mistakes."

"What if Louisa had been the victim and Sgt. Grover had been the disturbed attacker?"

"What do you mean?"

"If their situations were reversed, would you care as much for Louisa Grady as for Sgt. Grover's situation?"

"It doesn't matter. It didn't happen that way. There's a reason why Louisa did what she did. It wasn't right. It wasn't justified...but there was a reason in her mind. I wanted to understand...to get through to her. She wouldn't have been competent to stand trial. She probably wouldn't have gone to prison. Instead, she's dead."

"And you feel bad about that?"

"Yes."

"What about Sgt. Grover?"

"He has other people in his life."

"That means that you don't need to feel bad for his death?"

"I told you already. It's too bad he died."

"That Louisa Grady killed him."

"Yes...but how I feel has no impact on his situation. He's dead. His family will mourn him."

"Again, I'm asking you, Agent McGee, do you think that lets you off the hook for feeling anything for him?"

"The family won't know how I feel and they won't care."

"Answer the question, Agent McGee. Is it only Louisa Grady's lack of family that makes you feel sorry for her? Do you think that you have license to ignore or belittle the Grover family's loss?"

"I've never done any of those things."

"But you're still not answering my question."

"What's the point?"

"Answer the question, Agent McGee!"

Tim turned away from her. He actually took a couple of steps toward the door, as if he was going to walk out.

"If you leave, it won't make this any easier."

Tim stopped. "Everyone keeps staring at me like I've lost it." He laughed a little. "I don't think that Louisa Grady was innocent. I don't think she should have killed Sgt. Grover." He looked back at Dr. Andrews. "Is it wrong to feel a little bit of compassion for someone in Louisa's situation?"

"No."

"Then, it's not a big deal!"

"Agent McGee, you were almost killed by Louisa Grady."

"No."

"Yes!" Dr. Andrews corrected firmly. She stood as well, a file in her hand. "The report I have here says that you were speaking to her, standing much too close for safety, that she brought up her gun and was going to shoot you...and that you, Agent McGee, were doing nothing to stop her. You didn't grab the gun, use your own weapon or even try to get away. You just stood there, forcing your teammates to kill that woman to save your life."

Tim dropped his gaze to the floor. "I already said that I made a mistake. She shouldn't have had to die."

"A mistake that almost cost you your life, Agent McGee. Next time, it might be your teammates that pay the price."

Tim winced.

"Are you ready to face something like that?"

"It wouldn't happen!"

"What if Louisa had been aiming at someone in your family? At one of your friends? Who would take precedence, Agent McGee? The people you love...or a disturbed woman who had already killed once?"

"That's not a fair question."

"Life is not fair, Agent McGee. Situations like that arise, especially in the job that you have. You have claimed this isn't a 'big deal', but the very fact that you can't see the seriousness of the situation makes it vital that you not be in the field right now."

"What?"

"You're refusing to see the problem staring you in the face, Agent McGee. I can see it in your eyes. You know what's wrong. You know what the problem is. You know that this is dangerous. Until you can admit it...you're not an asset. You are a danger to yourself, to your team and to the people you are sworn to protect."

Tim dropped into a seat, his mind swirling through the words she'd just said to him.

"No...no, it's not. I wouldn't..."

Dr. Andrews also sat down.

"Agent McGee, I'm going to give my recommendations to Director Vance. I think you need a vacation."

"What?" Tim barely heard her.

"Looking through your file now, I can't find the last time you took a real vacation."

"So?"

"So, you're tense. Stressed out by a high-stress job. Take a vacation. Since you're suspended for a week anyway, you might as well take a vacation."

"And do what?"

"Go to the beach. Relax. ...but more than that, think about what has happened here...and where it comes from. We'll meet again when you get back."

"Yeah, that's a relaxing thought," Tim mumbled.

Dr. Andrews laughed sympathetically.

"So...you're forcing me to take a vacation?" he asked glumly.

"I would rather you do it on your own, but yes, if I have to, I will make it a forced vacation. Agent McGee, you have a problem. No matter what you say, it is a very big deal...and you have to work through it before there's even a chance of you going back into the field."

"A chance?" Tim looked up. "A chance? Am I going to be fired? Put on desk duty? Turned back into a computer geek? ...just because I made one mistake?"

"It depends entirely on you. In your current state, you are not fit for active duty. That is my official determination as the psychiatrist engaged by your director to make an evaluation of your current status."

"You get to just...just decide that?"

"Certainly, Director Vance can choose to override me should he wish to." Dr. Andrews leaned forward, sympathetically. "Agent McGee. Think. Think about it for just a moment. You don't have to do anything but give me a yes or a no. Based on what you've done, thought and said in the last few hours, even...do you really think that you should be in a position where you might have to make a decision like the one you couldn't make today?"

Tim couldn't meet her eyes. He stared at the wood finish of the table, wondering, randomly, what kind of wood it was...if Gibbs knew. He saw, in his mind's eye, Louisa, her eyes wild, angry...irrational. He saw her bring up the gun, her eyes murderous...as they hadn't been when he first came in...as they hadn't been when she had died. He found his mind shifting away from that moment and focusing on other times, on the interviews, on the newspaper clippings...on the person that Louisa could have been. ...and he realized that he had just tried to push away that moment again. ...and that he couldn't even imagine himself shooting her. He couldn't.

"No," he whispered.

"Then, take a vacation, Agent McGee. Think about this."

"Where will I go?" Tim asked, barely speaking aloud, feeling suddenly lost...adrift...as at sea as he had felt that first night after being taken hostage. Why did I think of that?

"I've been told that beaches are popular vacation spots."

Tim swallowed and nodded.

"We're done, Agent McGee. You can go. Arrange your vacation."

Tim nodded again and stood up. He couldn't look at her. He was afraid that his guilt would blaze out of his eyes.

After he walked out, Dr. Andrews sighed and looked at her notes. It wasn't an exact match...but then, psychological diagnoses rarely were exact. He had so many of the symptoms, though, that she was surprised no one had picked up on it before.

"Ah, hindsight," she said to herself and grimaced.