A/N: My apologies. Been having serious internet issues lately.
Just a short chapter here - but it kinda wraps things up with Dr. Rachel - for now.
2000 Hours - That Night
Seeing Tim lying stretched out completely across her bed, Ziva smiles softly while he settles as comfortably as he can after having just accepted her offer for a relaxing massage The mood's been set for a calming, relaxing night with lowered lights and soft comfortable sheets, as well as the fluffiest pillow Ziva has. She has every intention of letting him feel this attention from head to toe; hoping to help him let go of everything; the tension, anger and all the other emotions that have to have come from unloading everything with Rachel in a session that has literally taken six hours, painful digging and tears.
She understands his silence because Tim admitted several hours ago that he was completely talked out. Since then, he's been quieter than Ziva's ever seen him before. Because she knows he's most likely trying to shut it all off now, it's a silence that she's okay with. Having been there herself, she doesn't push – or break the silence as she tirelessly works on him with her hands, massaging the soothing oil into his knotted and undoubtedly aching muscles.
She recalls the events of earlier in the evening that brought things to where they are now:
****Flashback*****
1815 Hours:
The boring afternoon and early evening full of silent paperwork duty has driven Ziva nearly insane since her mind is also busy worrying about Tim. He hasn't told her what he's doing; only that he had a busy afternoon ahead and would see her at dinner. After everything that's fallen on him these last few days, she can't help but worry.
"…iva!" Gibbs calling her name snaps her out of her thoughts and she quickly looks over at him.
"Gibbs?"
Unexpectedly, he holds out his desk phone receiver, waiting patiently for her to get up and come to his desk and take it from him. As she does just that, he immediately pushes his chair back from the desk enough to give her some space as she frowns while speaking into the phone. "Hello."
"Agent Da'vid. This is Dr. Cranston. I'm wondering if I can get you to come to my office as soon as possible. Tim could really use your support right about now."
"I will be right there. And thank you!" She drops the receiver down onto the cradle and it clatters rather loudly. "Gibbs, I…"
"Yeah, go!" Her Team Leader quietly cuts her off, his tone and expression completely sympathetic.
Nodding her thanks, she hastens to her desk and shuts her work station down while gathering up her gear bag. Hurrying, she's almost to the elevator when Gibbs calls out one last thing to her.
"Hey, Da'vid!"
Stopping, she turns to look at him in surprise.
"Make sure you get there in one piece!"
"I will. I promise." She gives back just loud enough that he'll hear her.
His trademark silent nod of comprehension/agreement is her answer and she's quick to get moving again, thankful the elevator is both available and empty.
Arriving at Dr. Cranston's office what seems like hours later, Ziva forces herself to calm down and enter the building calmly. The doctor hadn't said anything was wrong; only that Tim could use her support. So, why is she acting like she'd just been told he'd been shot or worse? Mentally chastising herself, she pulls it together and strides confidently up to the receptionist's desk and announces herself quietly.
Ushered into Rachel's office immediately and without question, Ziva needs a moment to take a deep breath and let it back out slowly at the sight that greets her there. With his back to the rest of the room, Tim is standing at the window, his shoulders slouched and his head down, almost to his chest as one hand holds on to the window's edge for support. It's obvious he's at a rough place and she's extremely relieved that she's been called to be here for him now.
Silently getting to her feet from behind her desk, the good doctor walks to meet Ziva and merely pats her on the shoulder and quietly speaks. "Take all the time you need." Without saying anything more, she leaves the room, shutting the door quietly behind her.
Ziva is quick to walk over to Tim, stopping just behind his left shoulder. Being careful, she speaks softly to him before attempting to touch him. "Sweetheart, I am here now."
Before she's even finished speaking, he's turned around and stepped into her arms. Quickly wrapping him in her embrace, she works to keep her breath even and steady. For endless moments, she holds him, neither of them speaking into the emotionally packed silence that's settled around them. His silence is unnerving and she's not sure what's running though his mind, but she does know that he's never done this before so whatever it is – has to be almost more than he can handle alone. Taking this step by step, she chooses the first one carefully.
"Come; let us sit down, alright?" She encourages him quietly while leading him from the window back to the couch; a trip he willingly walks with her.
Once settled side by side on the couch, with Tim up against her, holding her hand, yet stoically upright as if still fighting with himself to let go, Ziva reaches up her free hand and caresses him along his jawline, her hand cupping his face without letting go. "If you wish to talk about it, I am here, Sweetheart."
Whether it's her endearments, her loving touch or her willingness to just be there for him; she's not certain; but whatever the catalyst; the silent tears that begin to finally come while he remains as still as a statue otherwise, are a welcome sight. He's held it all in for far too long.
She wishes she could pull him closer and embrace him through this storm; but it's obvious he's not ready for that because he hasn't had to until now. He's much stronger than most people give him credit or and yet, there's a part of her that wishes he'd allow himself to react much more freely than the time on Gibbs' team has conditioned him to do. She knows from their quiet talks; as glossed over versions of the truth that they were, that this backbone also comes from the hellish childhood and teenage years he's gone through, and so, being as ingrained in him as it is, now is not the time to fight it.
The only thing left for her to do, besides letting him have this time without pushing for anything, is to reach out to him with her words – from her heart. It's something she should have said to him long ago and perhaps now is the best time to remedy her lapse on that. Shifting beside him so that she's turned to look at him, she speaks quietly so as to not dispel the sympathy she's trying to convey. She is sorry he's being torn like this and she feels partly responsible.
"I am sorry, Tim. Sorry that we have not tackled this part of our lives; our unspoken pain we have both learned how to bury. Neither of us wanted to burden the other. Apparently, we have both forgotten how things can prey on your mind and how old trauma can sometimes awaken and try to take over, yes?"
His tears have stopped and lovingly, she reaches out to wipe away the trail they've left on his face. "I should have asked you about your experiences back then. It should not have taken me this long to do so, as your friend then and as someone who has come to love you much deeper now…."
Suddenly a finger is pressing against her lips and his quiet voice reaches her. "It's not your fault." His tone is so quiet, he practically whispering. A shudder racks his frame as he pulls her closer to him. "I never wanted to talk about it. With anyone."
Wrapping her arms around his middle, she leans into him as she asks him the question most on her mind. "Are you ready to talk about it now?"
Shaking his head, he quietly answers her honestly." I'm all talked out."
"All right. Let me take you home. You need to eat and I want to cook for you." Ziva replies just as quietly and just as smoothly because she wants him to know whatever he needs right now, she's here for him. She needs him to see that she won't push him to talk.
Tim smiles softly. "You're so good to me."
"As you are to me. It is what people do when they love each other, yes?" Ziva asks as if he shouldn't be surprised that she wants to do something for him.
"In a good relationship, yeah, it is." Tim replies as he gets to his feet and gently tugs her to join him. Wrapping his arm around her shoulder, he walks with her to the door of Rachel's office. 'Doesn't mean you don't need to hear how much I appreciate it."
****End Flashback****
Quietly moaning in contentment now while Ziva's hands work magic on his muscles and the rest of his body as she massages them just right; Tim sighs deeply. It's been a hellish day. He'd never imagined how much it would hurt to dig the crap out – or how deep Rachel would make him dig to get to it. To have to admit to himself that he really did have unresolved negative emotions in regard to Gibbs had been deeply unsettling. But he'd done it because he hadn't wanted to still have any of this hanging on when he started his new job- two weeks from today.
Then again, he hadn't wanted to still be hanging on to any of this or the emotions that had come from it – at the end of the day, either and he's less than happy to realize that he still feels angry about it all. The logical part of his brain is reminding him that it's because he hasn't had the chance to blow up at the man – to really hash it out – now that he's unearthed it all just today.
Sure he'd written the man that letter addressing a great deal of the crap – but after talking with Rachel today and rooting everything out that he had – and actually taking the time to admit to and label what he was feeling about things, he has to admit that it bothers him that that the letter fell short so of covering it all. He's not exactly keen on the idea of having to talk about it again – with anyone. Even as his physical body continues to relax under Ziva's still silent, loving attention, his mind ruthlessly recalls the rest of his conversation with Rachel that has brought that to the forefront of his mind.
***1430 Hours -Earlier that afternoon:
"… You're remembering what it felt like when all of this was in real time and still happening. Take yourself back there for a different reason. Tell me a few things that you rely on Gibbs for and why. Tell me why you feel safe on the job with him as your Team Leader."
When Tim remains silent for a long minute, Rachel offers a suggestion. "When someone says. 'Tell me about Gibbs', what do you usually say to them?"
"He's honest – keeps his word. He doesn't let anyone mess with his team. He has a reliable gut and decades of experience that lets his team feel safe working with him. He doesn't back down from a fight – of any kind."
"Wow. That's four good qualities that have stuck with you. Is there another one?"
"He cares about his family."
"Meaning his team?"
"Yeah."
"So you have felt– at least at some point – that he does care about you?" Rachel asks, rather obviously making a point.
"Yeah, of course I have." Tim retorts quickly, suddenly fee ling defensive.
"Yet, somehow, he's also shown you incredible coldness, treated you unfairly. and left you feeling like you really weren't part of the 'familly' he cares deeply about."
"What, are you trying to get me to defend him now?" Tim demanded angrily. "He let Tony treat me like crap for 2 years! Never said a word; never stopped him! Did the same thing with Abby – let her snap off any me – at all of us – anytime she felt like it! She's always been his favorite and Tony's always been his golden boy – neither of them could ever do anything wrong. I was just the probie who could never measure up! Here, maybe if you read this, you'll get it." Tim reaches into his back pants pocket and takes out a fat folded envelope, handing it to her.
"Measuring up became something you worked very hard to do." Rachel surmises as she takes the envelope from him without commenting on it. "Hence the rapid weight loss and the crack-down on how much you would talk about yourself at work."
"Somethin' like that." Tim admits meekly as he watches her put what he's just given her away in her desk drawer.
Okay. It sounds like there was a lot more history behind what the experience in Mexico did to you, than just the situation itself. "
"Of course there was! I knew I was alone down there because they'd proven it over and over again! Anything Abby would have said when we got back - would have been it. They would have reacted to that and only that. No one would have given a damn what I had to say. Except maybe Vance."
"But, Vance wasn't your Team Leader or the person you were working under every single day."
"Exactly! Look, it's like I told Gibbs, already the first time we talked..." Tim begins to let loose what's been on his mind about this.
"Tell me about that." Rachel interrupts to direct the conversation.
Tim takes a deep breath and slowly lets it out as he recounts the brief conversation.
***Flashback***
"Plenty of things should have been handled differently."
"Boy, what I would have given to be having this conversation with you months ago."
"Why didn't you, Tim?"
"No one was ready to listen then. Especially you."
"You're right. I wasn't. Shoulda been."
"Look, let's not do this, okay? What's done is done."
"Tim?"
"It won't change anything, Gibbs."
"Okay. You gonna be able to work with Abby now? You let me know if she gives you any more problems."
***End Flashback***
"And how did that make you feel?" Rachel asks Tim when he gets to the end of his recollection. "Finally having the chance to be heard by Gibbs – and telling him 'let's not do this.' instead?"
Taking a minute, Tim thinks back to that day with more concentration. He remembers sitting back in his seat, flabbergasted and uncertain when the older man had said that to him. He still remembers thinking at that moment, where did this Gibbs come from? Where's the old model? Why couldn't this model have been there for him before he had to choose his well-being over working on the team he loved? He remembers being so overwhelmed with frustration that it wouldn't change a thing and because it wouldn't that it wasn't the point anymore.
And he still remembers how it felts so like a slap in the face to all he'd just forced himself to go through in order to change what was going on for himself when no one else would. In fact, he can remember now, that – this was the moment the anger had turned to rage.
"Was that when you first touched on just how angry you were with Gibbs? Was that why you tried to get him to let it go?" Rachel says as if reading his mind. "I imagine it felt like a whole lot of 'too little, too late."
"Yeah. But..."
"But, what, Tim?"
"You're talking about everything else vs what happened in Mexico. Two different coins." Tim angrily told her.
"Doesn't change what's on them. " Rachel observes gently.
He's surprised at that view coming from her, even if she is right. It stops his thought process for a moment as he thinks about that point.
"Which brings us back to where we started. Because when things happened the way they did in Mexico, you truly felt as though it was you against everyone else, based on their past behaviors towards you. You thought that once you got back to D.C. you'd be blamed for the incident."
"For Abby having to face down a truckload of gun-toting Cartel members? Of course I did! I thought I'd be handing in my badge before I even left the building the minute I got back!"
"How did you feel when it didn't come up at all?"
"By the time we all caught our breath with the new case that had turned into, it had turned into a fight for our survival all over again – only this time it was all of ours - there wasn't time to worry about anything else."
"And when it was over and Paloma was dead with her brother taking her body back to Mexico? "
"I think I was in shock. When that wore off, I finally began to think about the whole situation – now that I had all the information and knew just how far back that whole nightmare had started."
"And how did that make you feel?"
"Conflicted."
"What did you feel conflicted about, Tim?"
"Hurting for Gibbs' – having to relive the loss of his girls again and rethink about his actions from a painful time in his life when he'd killed a man in cold blood, driven by grief as he'd been." Tim's voice has quietened. This is always a sensitive subject; one he's always sad to even think about. "Knowing he'd been in such a low place that all that had mattered to him then was killing the man who'd taken their lives. Trying to reconcile that man to the one who seeks justice now, as by the book as he can - as much as he breathes now. While feeling angry, disrespected and expendable at the same time."
"Feeling angry and disrespected because he hadn't told you the story before you went to Mexico?" Rachel asks as if needing the clarification.
Upset that she's missed the point, Tim loses his cool just a bit. "No! There was NO way he knew what was going on down there – that the whole damned trip was a set up! No, it was because he didn't respect me enough to talk to me about it for even 2 seconds when I got back! The only thing out of his mouth to me was two words – 'where's Abby?' That was it!"
"Thereby solidifying in your mind – the decision to remain mum about the whole ordeal you'd just been through."
"Yes! I mean, he acted like it hadn't happened at all!" Tim yells angrily. God, he's tired of talking about this; of having to explain all of this.
"Somehow, I think there's a lot more to your deep anger towards him than that." Rachel surmises knowingly as she keeps her tone calm. His wave of anger doesn't bother her because he needs to let it out.
Tim sighs even as he calms down enough to at least get his breathing back under control before he answers her. "When things began to heat up – when more details came to light, he didn't even take the time to tell me why I had just faced the cartel and had to offer my life; that the reason behind it was his doing. That the body we'd brought back was his doing."
"Or apologize for it?" Rachel asks bluntly.
Tim shakes his head. "The man doesn't give apologies."
"You've convinced yourself that you're okay with that. But, Tim that doesn't have to be so. There are times in life when we deserve at least that much respect from the person who's wronged us; whether they believe it or not."
"Maybe. But I'm not ever gonna hold my breath waiting for one from him." Tim doesn't pull the punch.
"Fair enough. Why did his not telling you any of that make you feel like he was disrespecting you?" Rachel asks without blinking an eye.
"Because he told Abby, like she was the only one who deserved an explanation! She was the only one he talked to about it and yet she was the one who put us out there in the first place! I was the one who at least attempted to get us out of it! She sure as hell didn't!"
"It's understandable that you would feel disrespected." Rachel advises. "You're a member of his team; you put your life on the line for the safety of others and even if you hadn't; you'd been put in the middle of a dangerous situation the minute you stepped into that country. You deserved at least a conversation about what happened."
"Well, that's something, right?" Tim breathes out on a sigh of relief. "But, in the end, I realized it had all been a set-up anyway. They probably wouldn't have killed us."
"Giving you another reason not to talk about it to anyone."
"Right."
"Something else about this bothering you, Tim?"
"Realizing a long time ago that they weren't really gonna kill us - just makes my nightmares that much more of an irony I could do without."
"Maybe now that you've addressed this more fully, they will go away. You've faced it head on – cleansed it. I don't imagine it will fester any more."
"No, I guess not."
"Which is why calling me was the best thing you could have done for yourself. You also needed to address all this other stuff as well."
"Yeah." Tim breathes out on a sigh. "I know."
"I have just one more question for you – for today."
"For today?"
She silently looks at him as if he should know full well that this Rome won't be rebuilt in a day any more than the first one had been.
He breathes out a sigh. "Yeah. Okay. What's your question?"
"If you didn't tell anyone – and you really should give some thought as to your responsibility there – then that means you're assuming Abby did. That would have meant admitting what she'd done." Rachel reasons out for him to think through before she lays the question on him, knowing he'll figure out exactly where she's going with it from there.
"She's always been able to talk herself out of trouble. That wouldn't have fazed her." Tim tosses back at her without hesitating as he frowns at her comment about his responsibility.
"You said the cold case you and Abby brought back with you became everyone's focus very quickly. When the focus became all of you staying alive while catching Paloma, things got crazy and out of focus, right? Are you certain that Gibbs was ever told about what happened?
Tim's mouth drops open and his brain freezes. Holy crap! Why the hell hasn't that ever occurred to him before? Because Gibbs is ….well, Gibbs and he knows everything – isn't that what they've always said? There's no way he didn't know!
Rachel's eyebrows are raised as she waits for his answer.
Straightening his spine, Tim looks at her with a deep-seated conviction in his eyes and in his tone.
"Nothing gets by him. He knew – he just didn't give a damn."
*******NCIS*******
2030 That Night- Ziva's apartment
Tim's been quiet for a long time as he lays nearly boneless across her bed, but Ziva knows it's because he's more relaxed now than he had been thirty minutes ago. She's relieved that the knots are finally worked out from his muscles. Straddling his back and working on his shoulders now; having started down at his feet, she leans over him and whispers in his ear. "Are you all right?"
Instead of verbally answering her, he reaches up for one of her hands, clasping it tightly when she gives it to him. Bringing it down to his lips, he kisses her hand. Leaning down over his shoulder further, she kisses him on the cheek and softly asks him for a favor. "Will you let me make love to you, Tim?"
His quiet breath catches in his throat and he eases over onto his side until he has completely turned over to his back, still holding onto her hand. Without words he reaches up and gently pulls her head down, their mouths meeting in a silent dance of seduction, need and hunger. Their arms caress each other's faces as their passion ignites; their love for each other fueling every moment.