Chapter 14: Consequences
#A/N. Okie dokes, here's chapter 14! Compared to the others, this chapter is very short. But no matter! IIt's supposed to be this way. I thought that there just needed to be a small chapter to show where Bella's mindset is at the current moment.
To Leila: I found it totally cute that you did a little happy dance! I'm known to do them occasionally myself! Haha. I'm just glad my updates make you happy enough to do a little jig - that literally had made my day! :)
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*Bella's POV*
I stared at the wall blankly, trying to make sense of my jumbled thoughts, and get over the horror of what I've just recently done. If my tear ducts could produce tears, I was sure my eyes would be blurred with them.
I have never been more disgusted with myself.
I have never felt more hate than I do now. That hate that I felt was aimed towards the Volturi.
I was disgusted with myself because I wasn't strong enough to fight temptation, to save an innocent's life. I hated the Volturi for putting me in this position. I hated them for taking me away from my life and family.
I hated them for turning me into a monster.
I was a monster.
I balled my hands into tight fists and shut my eyes tightly, trying to drive the thought out and away from my mind. I absolutely loathed what I had become, what I had done. I felt as if I weren't really me. Like my body was possessed by some sort of demon, some type of monster. And there wasn't anything I could do about it. I was being held prisoner in my own mind, with the monster controlling me. I was afraid that now that the monster was unleashed, it couldn't be tamed. I was afraid of what I was capable of.
I didn't know who I was anymore.
This wasn't me.
This is what I was afraid of the most before being turned into a vampire. I was afraid that I would lose myself, that I wouldn't be able to still be me.
Well, looks like your "out of control" stage has come a little late. I thought to myself dryly. I let out a frustrated growl.
Get a grip on yourself, Bella!
But that was easier said than done. I just couldn't bring the sane, rational part of me back. My mind kept drifting back to my earlier discrimination. I remembered the boy's scent, the look of complete terror on his face
That taste of his blood on my tongue.
The satisfying warmth as the blood slid down my aching throat.
I was craving. Now that I had a taste of human blood, I suddenly wanted more – so much more. But I couldn't have it.
No. I wasn't strong enough for this. This was a battle that I wasn't strong enough to win. Not at this rate.
My cravings for human blood were growing worse with each passing second.
Fight. A beautiful, velvet voice snarled in my head.
Edward.
Now I'm hallucinating…again. I though, startled by the unexpected intrusion. The hallucinations of Edward I once made were coming to me. The pain of our separation and my internal battle must have triggered them back. Slightly different from last time.
Bella. Edward's voice drifted through my head again, calling for my attention.
Bella, you have to fight. You can't give up.
And what if I do? I challenged back internally.
Fight for us. For Renesmee. You have to, Bella. Don't you dare give up! He growled in my mind.
I don't think I can. I'm not strong enough for this, Edward. I argued.
You are strong. You're stronger than me, stronger than us all. You can do this, you have to.
Edward, I love you.
I love you too. Promise me you'll fight, Bella.
I promise - I will try.
With that, Edward was gone, silently slipping away from my mind. I already wanted him back, even if he was just a hallucination. He allowed me to get a small hold of my thoughts. His presence in my mind had calmed me.
I promised him that I would fight, and I will. He was depending on me, I couldn't fail him a second time.
I was determined to do this. I was naturally a stubborn person, I will overcome this.
"I will overcome this." I said out loud to the empty room.
I let my eyes slip shut as I mentally tried to push the monster out and away from my mind. I needed to gain control over my own body again, to try and dull down the cravings.
The monster put up a fight.
It was very strong and didn't want to go away. It liked being in control. The creature was defiant in nature. Making sure my shield was tightly encased around my mind; I pushed the monster away with as much force as I could manage mentally. I watched as it flew from my mind.
I did it. I had won.
The violent snarling in my mind had quieted down. It was just me again, alone. I breathed deeply. I waited a few more seconds, and still no change. I managed a small smile.
It was quiet in my mind.
Suddenly, there was a loud snarling as the monster re-entered my mind. It growled at me in displeasure as it pushed me forcefully away. It was on the defensive, daring me to make another move.
I should've known it wouldn't be easy.