Ziva sighed as she collapsed into her office chair, burying her head in her hands. She did not want to be sitting in a swivel chair at her job. She wanted to be home relaxing on her couch with a certain someone next to her and a place for Hannah to sleep. Ziva could swear the child was going to pass out soon. She wanted to go home, she needed to talk things out. Yes, it was very unlikely for her to want to talk to someone about what was going on but she needed to start sorting things out. Everything was just so confusing and coming on so quickly right now that it made it hard to have a coherent thought.
Gibbs was upstairs briefing Vance, then hopefully he'd explain to the rest of them what happened in order for them to keep up the consistency. Ziva did know, that as of right now, it was Gibbs who had killed her father. It was like some sort of sick joke that this was happening again. Whoever said history repeats itself was not kidding. Someone had said that right? Tony and McGee took turns in asking if she was okay. Abby came up frequently, even though she had quite a few things she was in charge of testing from the warehouse, checking on her to make sure she and the others were okay.
Hannah was sitting next to Ziva and had been previously coloring a picture but after about twenty minutes had curled up in the chair and plopped her head on the arm rest. It did not look very comfortable at all. It was 1500h hours by the time they had gotten back to the office, and it was now close to 1700h. They were all hungry, over worked and to the point of exhaustion.
Vance was furious, of course. Ziva had known that before he had even opened his mouth. He didn't understand how anything could have come to this. He didn't know what had happened, and he never would. The most he would know is the story they told him and that would be one of pure fiction. Eli had been his friend. His friend had died at the hands of one of his employees. Vance would never believe that the man he respected so much, even looked up to as a mentor at times, would do such a thing. Would betray him by planning to kill him. Well try to at least.
Plus there was the whole issue of where the bomb was and if they had indeed gotten each of her father's men. With all of the wires being switched off it was not as though Abby could trace or follow any signals. They knew where her father had been staying and would just have to cross their fingers that all they were questioning would be answered. Their main problem had been taken care of. Now they had to deal with the aftermath.
Her father was dead. She had killed him. Ari was dead. She had killed him. Who was next? Gibbs? Tony? Abby? Hannah? Sure she had a reason behind the murders of her father and brother, but her father must have had his reasons for letting her sister and mother die. Was she that same monster? Had she become her father despite her promises to herself of never allowing that to happen? Was she now that same evil, manipulative person? Taking the lives of her family, not even thinking before pulling the trigger. That was her father. She was her father. She had killed that horrid and terrifying man only to have him live on in her. She should have someone kill her now, before she could hurt others. Before she lost her mind and managed to justify to herself that the death of those around her was a good thing, a necessary adjustment to be made in order for things to go right. If she had already started on this path then how long would it take until-
Ziva slams her hand down on the desk and simultaneously stands up. She sees Hannah jump up from the corner of her eye and saw Tony and McGee look up at her. She presses her hands to her temples trying to rid the thoughts invading her mind.
"Ziva?" Tony questions staring into her troubled eyes. She had been doing so well and the sudden onset of emotions was unexpected. Both to those in the office and herself. She had been holding it together so well that he should have seen it coming. He never thought he would though. He knew it would come and yet it was still so unexpected. Her eyes are now closed, her fingers being pressed heavily against the sides of her face. He sees Hannah staring up at Ziva with terrified eyes. She didn't understand what was going on, thank God, so not much of what was going made sense. She knew people were upset and bad things had happened, but she did not know the why's and how's.
Slowly Ziva begins lowering her hands, her eyes now open. She looked confused, like she had not expected to see this particular scene. She glances around at them embarrassment and sadness in her eyes. It was catching up to her, it was inevitable. She would have to deal with this whole ordeal sooner or later but it took her mind time to filter through it all. It clearly still was and she obviously didn't know what to think or say. Vance really should allow them to go home.
"You okay?" McGee asks and Tony feels an urge to head slap him. The answer to the question was rather obvious.
"Yes," she lies. "I just need a drink is all." She walks away, Tony begins to follow her of course. He stops in front of Hannah's chair first, kneeling down to her level.
"What wrong with Ziva?"
"She's upset, Hannah. She'll be fine."
"Can I help?" she asks innocently, the desire to do so very clear.
"You're helping a lot already, okay?" She seems to ponder it over so Tony adds a bit more, "If I think of anything I'll tell you."
"Make sure you give her a hug," Hannah commands him.
Tony smiles at her. She had seen and lived through horrible things but she still had such an innocent mind and view of life. He was glad. "I will. Go bug Probie for me." She gives him a mischievous grin before getting up from her seat and making her way towards McGee. Perhaps he was rubbing of on her a bit too much.
Tony didn't bother to wonder about it for too long though. He followed the direction Ziva had gone in, curious to where it was she may have gone. He checked the vending machines and elevator first, even called in to the women's bathroom to see if she was hiding out in there. Finally he walked off in the opposite direction Ziva had gone, over to the staircase. There she stood, her head leaned against the wall. "It took you long enough," she tells him even though her face was away from him. Just as ninja as ever.
"I didn't think to check over here. You walked in the other direction."
Ziva does not bother to answer him. He had found where she was and she did not need the rest of the story. "What happens now?"
"Depends on what you're talking about," Tony says a little lost on where this conversation was going. He had not been prepared for this yet. To see Ziva upset, broken, lost. It wasn't right. It wasn't her.
"I wish I knew!" she exclaims angrily. "I do not know what I'm thinking of or wondering about," she admits to him, turning to meet his stare. He looked so worried. "One second I am worried of what we are telling Director Vance about, the next I am remembering that I have killed my father and then I find myself thinking of how I am hungry! I can not take this, Tony. There is much too many things skipping through my mind."
"Running," he corrects.
"correct idiomcy is on the bottom of my list of concerns," she assures him. "It is like my mind is in ten different places. What's going to happen in Mossad? What will happen to NCIS? What about Hannah? Where am I going from here? What lies are we telling to the head of federal agencies? What will happen to Gibbs? To you?" Ziva takes a deep breath, trying to calm her frantic thoughts. "I do not even know how I feel about one thing because then the next thought begins. I am angry and sad and happy and hurt and tired and confused. Yes, confused explains it all best."
"I'm sorry," he wanted to say more, or be able to offer her something aside from a worthless apology.
"I am fine," she begins to protest but decides against it. No more lies. "I need to go home. I need to not be...here."
"Ziva," Tony starts knowing that some of her thoughts had to be so terrible right now. "You know that what happened...You know that it wasn't-"
"I know what I did. I know the actions I chose, and the consequences it brought. I know it was what had to be done. Aside from that I am not sure of very much else."
"He had to be stopped. If he hadn't of been..." Tony strays off really hating the scenarios that popped into his mind. "He was hurting innocent people. There wasn't a choice."
"Just like there was no choice for Ari, yes? He had to be stopped as well I suppose!" She was angry. It was understandable. "We were supposed to be a family, Tony. Families do not kill each other. Isn't there a bond with families? A relationship of some sort? One outside of anger and hatred. Where was that? Why has it never existed?" Her foot collides with the wall, frustration set towards it. "They are all gone now. Every single last one. Dead. Murdered. Why am I left here standing? It is not right, completely unfair. Why, Tony?" she asks, pleading him for the answer.
"I don't know," he tells her truthfully. Saying anything else or giving any kind of answer would not be fair to her. "I do know that what you did was the right thing."
"I just wish I could be so sure of the same."
"Can you trust me on this one?"
"I do, Tony, but can you honestly expect me not to have doubts? Not to question what happened? My father is dead. I killed him," she declares, staring meaningfully at him.
"I-I'm sorry, Ziva."
"It is not your fault," she responds, feeling bad for taking such things out on him.
"It's not your's either."
Ziva gives him a look of question and he notices the tears that are filling in her eyes. "I am not so sure of that." She had been the one with the gun, the ability. It was her finger that pulled the trigger, and her mind that made the choice. Could she honestly believe she did not play some level of fault in this?
"Ziva-" Tony begins only to be cut off by a voice with much more command and power.
"Officer David," Director Vance says from up above the two agents, making his way down with Gibbs. Gibbs would fill them in. It would have to be a quick explanation for Ziva though. "Agent DiNozzo," he says next much to the surprise of the two. "Go home. I'll need to talk to both of you tomorrow. Until then you're done for the day. I'll speak with you about the arrangements for you father tomorrow. I am very sorry for your loss."
"Thank you, Director," she tells him and stalks off.
Tony gives Gibbs a questioning look but happily obliges when his boss nods his head after Ziva. He walked over to Ziva and turned to look at whatever it was she was staring over at. Hannah stood at Ziva desk, one of the drawers open, her little hands were clasped around a picture. Ziva knew which one it was, who's faces were shown. It was all of them, one of the only two pictures they had of her entire family. Her Aba and Ima then Ari, Tali and herself. "This is the man who brought me here," Hannah informs them as though they did not know.
"Yes," Ziva confirms, walking over to Hannah and getting down to her level. "He was my Aba, Hannah."
"At Aba rah l'?" she asks. Tony had spent the last few weeks, and years too kinda, learning Hebrew and these were some of the words he heard rather often. "Your daddy was bad too?" would have been the English translation.
Ziva stared sadly back at the little girl. "Ken, rah me'od." Was bad. Not anymore, he could no longer be. He was dead. So was Hannah's Aba.
"Sle'cha," Hannah says quietly "Sorry." She felt remorse for Ziva's pain, both past and present. Hannah understood it, even at the young age she was.
Ziva responds by pressing a kiss to her forehead and whispering soft words in Hebrew. Ones Tony had not yet learned. "We should go," Ziva tells Tony as she stands up. He was the only one with a car which was fine since they were all going back to the same place anyway.
Hannah goes to place the picture back in the drawer she found it, a little spy in the making. Something Ziva would have to talk about with her for sure. Ziva takes the picture from Hannah's hand and folds it neatly down the middle. She pulls her coat on and places the picture in one of her pockets. What good would it do sitting hidden in desk?
Tony takes Hannah's coat and hands it to her. The snow was gone, but it was still winter and still very, very cold. He took her back pack and her hand as well and the three walked from the elevator and to the car. "Pizza?" Tony asks and Ziva simply nods in agreement. She did not feel like cooking anything. She wanted to eat, and make sure Hannah did as well, and then she wanted to sleep. It was as simple as that. They would not have to stop back at her house since Ziva still had her clothes at Tony's from when she had stayed with him only mere weeks ago. Things had changed so vastly since then. It seemed like a lifetime ago, an entire different era. That was the beginning, this was supposedly the end. Perhaps more like the beginning of the end. It was not as though life was ever retuning to normal now, and for that Ziva was grateful.
Tony pulled into the parking lot of the pizza parlor, having called in fifteen minutes ago, and gets out leaving just Hannah and Ziva. Ziva turns around to talk to Hannah but sees that she has fallen asleep. Poor girl must be exhausted, it reminded Ziva of just how tired she was. The kind where you were so over-tired it made it hard to sleep. Where the longer you stayed up the more awake you became. Tonight would be hell.
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Ziva rolls over on to her other side trying once again to get comfortable. She had been right in her assessment, unfortunately. Hannah was fast asleep on Tony's couch and Tony himself lay next her and had drifted off well over an hour ago. She had relaxed into his embrace and was so close to sleep, now she felt as far from it as possible. She tried her best to lightly get up from the bed, hoping she did not shift it too much. Walking out into the living room she lifted her coat and pulled out the desired object. She takes it and sits down at the table, the same one she had drunkenly confessed her father's evil intentions so very long ago.
Lightly she opens the photo, running her fingers over the worn paper. Her eyes first went to her Ima and Aba. They stood very stiff, as a child Ziva thought it was because that was proper for adults, but now when she was older she realized it was because neither truly loved the other. They stood side by side, not touching the other but still close together. That's how it was both physically and mentally in their relationship. Never truly together with everything but always one next to the other, her ima always shifted slightly behind.
Ziva's eyes then drifted to her family, the ones she really loved and remembered from when she grew up. Tali was on the farthest left and Ziva to the right. Ari stood between the two, each of his arms wrapped around the girl's shoulders. She remembered that day so perfectly, it was one that had stayed so fresh in her memory. She was okay with it too because it was such a happy memory.
Tali had been whiny that day, it did not help that the camera man did not seem to know in slightest bit what he was doing. Tali was young only five or six, and had set her mind into wanting to stand next to her big sister. Ziva had been annoyed a bit but that was a day that she thought her sister must really love her. Well that and Tali seemed to greatly enjoy being difficult. It was her trademark.
Ziva was tired that day, she was still recovering from the flu and did not want to be standing outside in some ridiculous dress Ima had forced her to put on. The more Tali complained and her aba yelled the more frustrated she got. It had gotten to the point where her ten years old self had taken the small pocket knife out of the stupid lace sock her ima was making her wear and flipped it open showing it to the camera man and told him to take the picture. Her mother was horrified and her father gave one of the best laughs she had ever heard from him. She liked the sound.
That was when Ari intervened folding Ziva's knife and wiping Tali's tears. He began to make funny faces every time one of them would begin complaining or aba would yell at the camera man or ima would shush the children and tell them to "Smile pretty." Soon it became a game of great fun and the girls were in giggles. The camera eventually flashed and they got a few good pictures, this one was given to her when her ima died. It had been her favorite photograph of them.
The picture had actually been taken on accident, in the actual one the kids were more professional looking. This one was there's though. Ari was sticking his tongue out and making his eyes all squinty, Tali had her cheeks sucked in, imitating a fish, and Ziva just had the biggest smile. It was not a smile actually it was mid-laugh. She remembered how very happy she was in that moment. Her brother's arm wrapped around her giving her a feeling of security and little bouts of laughter coming from her sister. She loved them both dearly and they were what had made the day a good one. Despite the hideous dress she was wearing. She remembered wishing every day could be like that, filled with laughter and joy.
Unfortunately it had never returned to that. It was okay though because Ziva knew that one day she'd be back there, not Israel, not with those people, but in that moment of pure happiness. She would live it again, and she would make sure Hannah had many opportunities of it. An everyday occurrence was going to be one of pure bliss. That's what Ziva wanted to give that little girl and she would.
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Okay there's only one chapter and an epilogue left. I suggest you review because you're running out of chances (hint hint) I'm not too crazy about this chapter but I don't hate it so hopefully it is okay. I hope you enjoyed it. Please review and let me know what you think. I'd imagine by this point into the story you know how much I love them so I'll just leave it at that. Thanks for reading! Have a great day :)