Into Madness
Author's Note: Because of the extreme lateness of this story and the fact that my muse is temporarily out of the building, I've decided to shorten this story. Tremendously. Of course, there will be more from me, but right now, I've got to put this one to rest. Thanks to those who have read and reviewed!
Chapter 4
Exhausted. It was what he was, what he had been for years on end, but for some reason, tonight it was worst. Tonight , not only did his burden feel heavy, but also his heart and soul. The day had passed in a flurry of emotions ; fear, disgust, sorrow, loathing, even fury had made it's perch on him at one time or another. But just like any other day, he kept moving, thinking that it would just peel away once he walked out of the lab doors. He couldn't fathom how wrong he was.
As soon as he passed through the threshold of the lab, he could feel the heaviness assault him even more. Every blink put him back at the scene of the most gruesome crime he'd ever seen before in his life, every thought in the morgue learning of each poor soul's demise. Every waking second since coming back from the high school had been entrenched in darkness, and unfortunately, just unloading onto Stetlerhadn't been enough. The darkness had become an integral part of him, fueling him now more so than ever, and he wasn't attempting to push it back. He allowed it to settle within him to breathe in the same air, to ponder over the images, the discussions, even his internal musings over the past twelvehours. It was gaining power, momentum, and Horatio feared that he would be powerless to stop it when the time came. It was for that very reason he'd sequestered himself away from everyone for the rest of the evening, instructing them to email him inquiries, reports and updates, promising that he would receive them. He just couldn't trust himself at the moment, and solitude was what he craved, and what he needed.
Turning the lumbering Hummer onto a darkened stretch of beach, Horatio parked and then sat as the engine idled , his gaze affixed on the now darkened horizon. There was an immediate comfort in the darkness that enveloped him here; here he could allow the unattainable reach potential. After a few more seconds of gazing out, he finally turned the engine off and opened the door, his wearied frame practically spilling from the vehicle. He'd never felt so beat before, always, he had a contingency plan, a way to circumvent what was taking a hold of him now, but with it being breached with Speed's death, he was unsure if he could control the despair that was equal part in the darkness.
Why control it? he thought as he stood next to the Hummer. Let it take over, let it cleanse you.
"I can't," he whispered desperately as he began to tread towards the surf, the ominous sounds of the waves crashing against the sand , deafening. There was a storm brewing out in the Atlantic, and deep within him as well, and he was, for the first time in a long time, afraid of what might come of it.
Coming to the edge of the water, he kept his eyes on the darkened skies, the sea breeze now whipping un mercifully against him. As cooling and refreshing as it ought to havebeen, Horatio still felt the oppressive pull on him, dragging him down even more. He came here for reflection, often finding his answers in the tranquility and serenity of the waves, but as they churned, so did he, and he was getting more and more furious that there was no answers forthcoming.
"Why was I chosen to endure this," he questioned aloud. Never did he presume to get an answer audibly, it was always some type of sensibility that answered him back satisfactorily. That sensibility was awkwardly missing. "Wasn't losing Speed enough? Losing Yelina? What more do I have to lose before it's enough?" That answer he knew , however, because today , he'd lost a little bit of faith in the human nature, something that he knew wasn't going to come back. Experiences like this changes a man, and he was feeling the change deeply.
His hands went to his hips and he bowed his head, shaking it woefully. Every victim he crossed paths with anchored onto his shoulders, he felt responsible, and now thirty sat on his weakening frame. Maybe Stetler was right, maybe he wasn't the right person to lead this charge, and as much as it struck him as odd that he was agreeing with the IAB agent, there was a calmness to this revelation. Another option had just presented itself. For years, he'd been the protector of Miami, now, he was considering relinquishing that title...and that responsibility.
/Into Madness/
Where is he? she thought as she began to ascend the stairs of the lab towards his office, but stopping mid stride when she noticed it was darkened. It was his usual refuge when things became complicated or heavy, and it was where she was expecting him to be. Quirking her brow, she glanced at her watch , then turned back, descending the stairs with a sort of hesitancy. Earlier, she had witnessed just how far gone he was, and now, she was concerned.
Flipping out her cell, she depressed the button and placed it to her ear, running her hand through her hair as she expected, his voice mail connected. With her eyes closed, she spoke, befuddled at his absence, " Horatio, it's me...I'm concerned and worried. Call me." Before she could slip the phone back into it's cradle on her hip, it rang and with an urgency she'd never felt before, she answered it, praying to hear his gentle tone. Instead, she heard his voice and exhaled harshly as she rolled her eyes, "What is it , Rick?"
"Have you found him yet, Yelina?" Rick asked as he paced his office. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he shook his head and chuckled mirthlessly, " You're so predictable...off to find him and console him, assuage his guilt?"
Her brow narrowed and she felt the irritation building steadily. To this day, she never knew why she had allowed Stetler into her home or bed, but it was a decision she was constantly regretting. Her entire expression crinkled and she began walking again, passing the labs that were at this time of night, usually barely filled, but on this night, they were teeming with lab techs and investigators. The case had all hands on deck.
"He needs someone to talk to, Rick. You weren't there, you didn't see what he saw," Yelina countered almost defensively.
"He has a job to uphold, Yelina," Rick reminded, a bit of force tinting his words. "And if he can't do it, he needs to shove off."
"Rick..."
"He hasn't checked up on his team in hours, I can hear the lab techs talking about having to email reports...Yelina, the man is skirting his responsibilities. We can't afford that right now."
"You don't understand, Rick," Yelina exasperated, glancing at her watch again. Wrinkling her brow, she shook her head, the irritation starting to wear on her, "How about we try and find the animal who killed all those kids instead of trying to hang a decorated, loyal officer out to dry, Rick?"
Rick cringed and then rubbed his eyes hard, "You'll always go to bat for him, Yelina. Even if he is wrong, you'll always be there to support him."
At the sight before her, Yelina stopped walking, her eyes taking in his haggard appearance. What used to be the one thing that set Horatio apart from the rest was now dull, and she could see it readily. The luster of determination was gone, as was his steady gait, now hesitant and unsure. As he came closer, she could see the full brunt of the day in his now dull blue eyes, his shock of red hair now curiously less of a shock and mussed. What she saw before her now was a man who had given up.
"Horatio?" she questioned quietly as he passed by as if she weren't standing there in the first place. He continued to move in that hesitant gait that she was steadily beginning to despise and started up the stairs, leaving both her in his wake. The Columbian beauty folded her phone down, anxiously cutting Stetler off from her inquiry knowing that he would retain a certain amount glee in his dark eyes, barely able to suppress the devious grin that she knew was setting up shop on his visage. This was certainly something he had wanted for a very long time, to see Horatio broken, and it was something Yelina was trying desperately to keep away from him.
At the moment, however, Horatio was more of a concern than that of Rick's backstabbing and she chose to start off after him, catching him by the arm as they both reached the platform. She turned him quickly and stared into the dull abyss that had become his eyes and sighed, her brow crinkling in confusion, " Horatio, what's...what's going on?"
Horatio turned to her slowly and then back to the office door, his head now hanging. After coming to the finality of his fate, he decided to come back to the office instead of the darkened halls of his home. For some reason, the lab felt more like a home to him than the one he'd worked so hard for, and now, he was starting to feel the regret surge through him. In his effort to keep the city safe on his watch , he lost a great deal of himself in the process.
"I'm not strong enough anymore, Yelina," he said, his voice barely a whisper. He kept his head down, feeling her hazel green orbs on him, perusing the state he was in now. It had to be surreal for her to see him in such a state; in the past, he exuded nothing but strength, even in the face of despair. But now, he just simply didn't have the will to put up the facade any longer. "I can't do this any longer."
Stunned, Yelina arched her brow, shaking her head in disbelief. Was this Horatio Caine, sworn protector of the innocent of Miami, now speaking of defeat? Never in all her years of knowing him had she heard the downtrodden tone he now possessed, and as much as it shocked her, it also annoyed her. Her expression changed rapidly as she stepped forward more, placing a hand on his shoulder, "Horatio, you're...you're giving up? After everything that's happened..."
"It's too much for one to bear, Yelina. The burden of the city, the loss. It's taken all it can from me." As if to emphasize the point, he looked to her, his eyes still dull and sad, a small wistful smile coming slowly, "There's nothing left of me to give."
The silence that followed was full of potential, but Yelina couldn't find it in her to move one inch when he opened the door to his office and entered in. Neither speaking nor closing the door, Horatio passed through the threshold, the sounds of his shoes clicking slowly on the floor echoed in the vast vacuum that had been made by his admittance.
She watched from the door way as he stood at his desk, his eye drifting over what was there. She could see him smiling lightly at the pictures that were there: many of his team of old, his brother, and one of Yelina , Ray Jr, and Raymond, surrounded by Christmas decorations, their smiles only a preclude to what lain ahead. He picked up a picture and shook his head, the grief now very evident in his actions. He was broken in every sense of the word, and Yelina could tell that there was no coming back from this.
Horatio was done, there were no heroics left in him and now he was going to try and find a way to deal with the ghosts that had followed him through the years. Starting with his own.
Fin