A/n sorry I haven't updated in a while. School has been hectic. Well here is another chapter. Hopefully you like it. Please let me know and i don't know what happened but i must have misclicked the document when posting last night. Here is the actual chapter 6. Sorry.
What may have been, what could have been
Felicity sighed as the night turned out as other nights did when Oliver donned his green leather. One mission led to another and before either of them knew it dawn was creeping its way into the horizon. She had wanted to called in Dig to help out Oliver but he had refused, saying that he could handle it on his own. Against her better judgement Felicity complied with his request. She just wasn't sure that her reason was the same as Oliver's. She kept on hoping that he would call it a night so he could return to her. When he did she wanted him all to herself. There were times she almost turned off the police scanner so that neither of them would be alerted to any more crimes. She knew that was selfish of her and that there were other people's lives at stake but all she could think of was Oliver's life. Hadn't he given enough to the people of the city? Hadn't he earned the right to some peace?
Night had given way to sunrise by the time Oliver found his way back to the foundry. Felicity was at least grateful for the knowledge that he had not been injured in anyway. This, however, did not stop her from wanting to rush to his side as he entered and the only thing that stopped her was the realization that he had his phone to his ear. She felt herself go rigid when he heard him mention Barry's name. Felicity watched Oliver hopefully while he continued his conversation with Barry. More than anything she wanted to be right next to Oliver while Barry updated him on the progress for a cure to the over dose of mirakuru but it was clear from the way he kept his voice down that Oliver did not want her to hear their conversation.
It wasn't until her knuckles started aching that she had a death grip on her chair as she eagerly waited for news. Time seemed to pass agonizingly slow and every second that ticked by seemed to last a lifetime for Felicity. Despite her anticipation, Felicity's breath caught in her throat when she saw Oliver lower the phone from his ear. She did her best to keep a small smile on her lips in an effort to show him how hopeful she was but she was pretty sure that the dread rising up from the pit of her stomach reflected quite clearly in her eyes.
He stood as still as a statue for over a minute until finally Felicity could no longer contain herself. "So what time will Barry be arriving with the cure?" The optimistic way in which she phrased the question seemed to unhinge Oliver and he looked in her direction. It was clearly written all over his face and Felicity knew what he was going to tell her without any words being spoken. The look he had on lasted only for a split second then the walls he so carefully erected around himself were back up. His face was blank and impassive as he started closing the distance between them. She didn't know how it was possible but her grip on the end he of her chair tightened even more as he approached. She wanted to stand so that she could look into his blue eyes as he gave her the news but she couldn't for the life of her get her muscles to move.
"Felicity..." His voice was hollow and emotionless. Perhaps he thought that if he showed her that he was not afraid then it would quell the fear stirring in her heart as well. That would probably have worked on anyone else but not for her. Not for someone who knew him as well as she did. For Felicity knew that the face he was showing her was nothing but a wall for him to hide behind. Just another mask. It had taken a long time for her to peel away the later upon layer of walls he had put up but in the months following his 2nd return of Lian Yu she had started to see cracks in those walls. Sometimes he opened up to her and sometimes he didn't but in those moments that he did let his guard down Felicity couldn't help but notice that things between them had began to change. The changes were small at first, almost too subtle for other notice. She, however, did. How could she not feel the electricity that ran through her body as his touches lasted longer than they should or the heat that reddened her face when she knew that he was staring. The stoic look he gave her was also something she had learned to read and she would not and could not accept the words that were about to leave his mouth.
"No!" Felicity yelled, shaking her head angrily. She refused to even entertain the very notion of what he was about to say.
"Felicity..." He repeated. He reached out and she felt the calloused hand rub against the bare skin of her forearm. She almost shivered at the way he said her name. No one had ever said her name in the same manner as he had. Too her it was just a name that was just as awkward as she was but when he always seemed to make it sound so much more than what it really was. She had no choice but to look back at him. Her breathing was quick and shallow and already her vision began to blur as tears welled up in her eyes. She did her best to steel herself for what he wanted to say but she had no doubt that he could feel her trembling.
"There's a few more things he wants to try..." Oliver had only began speaking but already that was more than enough for Felicity. Without warning she threw herself into Oliver's arms. She no longer cared that he wanted to keep at arms length. She knew why he was doing it. He wanted to spare her the loss of losing him, of losing someone she loved but it was already way too late for that. If she was being honest then she would have said that it had been too late for a long time. He became rigid when she pressed up against him. His first thought was to push her away just as he had done so many times in the past. This time, however, was different. For some reason he knew that there was no chance of prying himself from her grasp short of physically hurting her and that was one thing he would die before ever doing. Oliver was right about one thing though. Felicity would not take no for an answer.
She pressed herself even further into him, squirming into his body as much as she could until Oliver had no choice but to wrap his around her small frame. She didn't say anything for the longest moment but the wetness soaking into his shirt where Felicity had her face buried told Oliver all he needed to know. He tightened his arms around her, offering what comfort he could. He wanted to say something, anything really to alleviate the grief that his friend was feeling for him. No, friend was probably the wrong word to use to describe Felicity at this point. She hadn't just been his friend for a very long time. He had just been to blind, he thought to himself as he sighed heavily into her hair. He breathed in the scent of it. and knew it was something he would never be able to get enough off. He hoped then that he would still remember her smell when he got to the hell that surely awaited him. Because surely someone like him was destined for an eternity of fire and brimstone.
"What?" It was only when she pulled back sharply from him that he realized he had said the last part out loud. "It was nothing." Oliver tried to brush what he said aside but Felicity would not let him. She quickly wiped a falling tear and brought the same hand to rest across his face. As he felt the wetness of that tear, Oliver felt a sting in his heart that he was the cause of it.
"I wish you could see yourself the same way that I see you." She whispered softly. It wasn't fair that someone who had a heart like his had too endure so much in life. A life that was now being cut short. For the longest time she had hoped that she would be the one that would be able to show Oliver that there was more to life than the constant pain and guilt that burdened his shoulders. This was a man who had given hope to so many but seemed himself unworthy to keep any for himself.
"Maybe you just refuse to see for what I really am." His voice was soft, almost defeated. "How could someone like you ever-" Even though Oliver did not finish the sentence, the last part trailing off, Felicity knew exactly what he was thinking.
"Is that what you think?" Felicity ran her hand through his short blonde hair. "That you don't what I feel for you?" Her suspicions were confirmed when his answer was to stare blankly at the floor in between them. Her thoughts went back to all the times before they had been on the verge on acting on the very palpable tension they felt for one another. That he thought it was too dangerous for her to be with him was an obvious deterrent but she knew that deep down he felt that he just didn't deserve her it even to be happy. He felt that his past and the choices that were forced upon him doomed him a life of loneliness and misery. There was truth to that, yes but Felicity had only scratched the truth of it all.
"I've made so many mistakes..." His voice was barely audible. "I make a mistake and people die or get hurt. Soon that won't be a problem anymore." Felicity's eyes widened with shock at what she was hearing. "You want to die?" Oliver looked up at her. He could see the pain that bled through features. "It should have happened so many times before but somehow I always seemed to survive. I thought at first it was because I had to right my family's wrongs and stop Malcolm Merlyn but when Slade returned I realized then that perhaps I was doing more harm than good. Anyway it doesn't matter. I knew from the start that all this would eventually cost me my life."
Felicity thought long and hard about what she asked next. Normally she might not have even asked him but she no longer had the time to wait for him. "And after all this time you've found no reason at all to want to live? What about your family? Your mother and Thea-"
"And you?" He finished for her. She held her breath as she waited for his answer. Oliver had never been good with expressing himself with words. Even prior to the island he had been better at avoiding his feelings rather than dealing with them. Since the time he had started his crusade Felicity Meghan Smoak had been the one constant in life. He relied on her not just for her help in tracking the latest criminal to terrorize the city but for everything else in his life as well. She was the light, the only light, that seemed to reach him when the darkness of his life threatened to overwhelm him. She pushed when he was stubborn, gave him space when he needed but most of all she never asked him to be any other person than who he really was. He never had to wear a mask with her. With Felicity his smiles always came naturally and easily. At the beginning he found it confusing how the walls he built around himself seemed to always crumble in her presence. Then when he did realize the depth of what he felt for her, he spent an insane amount of time trying to convince himself such a relationship would not work. Before he knew it he was suddenly out of time and he knew that missing his chance with her would be his greatest regret.
Eventually he found a way to say what had been eating away at him since he found out the the end was nearing. He leaned forward then and place his forehead against hers. Her skin was smooth and warm and he wondered how his own calloused and scar filled body paled in comparison to her.
"You know when I first got back from the island and started all this I was consumed with what I needed to do. Nothing else mattered to me except doing what I could to absolve my father and myself. I put on a front for everyone to see. I made the motions of rebuilding the life that I was meant to live but I never really let it become real for me. It was a means to an end because I was so sure that I would die from this that really building a life for myself seemed pointless and a waste."
Felicity's heart broke at the words she was hearing. It did not break for herself but for the man in front of her. It pained her to see him so willing to give up everything. Her thoughts went back to when they returned from helping Diggle and Layla in Russia. He had told her then that he could not be with anyone he could actually care about because of the life that he lead. She assumed then that he was telling her it was too dangerous for either of them if they started to care more deeply for one another. Now she understood that he was saying that and more. He did not want her to waste her life in a relationship with him because there was no telling how long he would actually last. She thought for the longest time that he simply did not feel for her the way she did for him. The truth was that he did and it terrified him.
"Oliver." She whimpered. She wanted to tell him that he deserved love and life. Of all the people she knew she thought he deserved to know what it was like to be genuinely happy. Most of all she she wanted to show that she was willing to give that to him and more.
"Let me finish." He said gently. Oliver's hand found its way to Felicity's soft lips. He traced his finger across the side of her lips, admiring how her lipstick made her seem to glow more than usual.
"I had everything planned out. I would play my part as Oliver Queen during the day then eventually one night I would fight one too many battles and I would fall. I imagined what it would be like sometimes, lying in the dark as I died. I imagined my life flashing in front of my eyes just like they show in the movies. Only for me I would see all the mistakes I have ever made as I reminder that I have lived longer than I should have. Then I would just be gone, nothing more than another stain in the city's checkered history. I knew that there would be people who missed me for sure like Mom and Thea but they had lived through me dying once before."
Felicity's tears were falling freely now as she listened to the man she loved talk about how he imagined his death would be like. It hurt her so much that he thought so little of himself and what he meant to those around him. What he meant to her. Oliver kept his finger on the side of hers, telling her that he had more to say.
"So I planned and I prepared for what would eventually happen but then..." For the first time that Oliver's mouth curled up in a slight smile. This was not the fake smile that he constantly planted on his face when dealing with others. Those empty smiles were bereft of emotion and his eyes would reflect nothing of what lay beneath. What he gave her now was genuine and full of emotion. Emotion that caused his eyes to seem light at up at whatever thought had brought the smile.
"For all my planning and preparation there was one thing that took me completely off guard and that was falling for my personal IT girl turned executive assistant." Felicity blinked through the tears. She wasn't sure if she was hearing Oliver correctly. Did he just say he fell for her? Her head swam with the chaos of emotions that threatened to drown her. Heart break, awe, surprise, love, back to heart break.
"After I found out I was dying I promised myself I would never tell you but that seems like a moot point now since you can't seem to leave me no matter how much I try to push you away." He trailed a finger across her to wipe of the stain of her tears.
"I don't want you to ever think that you weren't the largest part of my life. Because in the end it wasn't my family, my business, or my time as the Arrow that changed me. It was you. You made me want to live again. I just wish I had done something about it sooner." For the first time in as long as she could remember Felicity was speechless. She could only stare at Oliver while he revealed what he truly felt. Only in her wildest dreams and fantasies did she imagine him saying the things he just did. To hear them for real took her breath away. The only thing she could think to do was wrap her arms around him. She reveled in his embrace as she at last understood completely why he had spent so much time pushing her away. Falling in love with him and then only to lose him forever in the next instant was gut wrenching. A life that would never be suddenly flashed through her eyes as she clutched him tightly. She saw them hand in hand everyday for the world to see. She saw a wedding, simple and elegant with only their closest friends in attendance. She saw her and Oliver, old but full of happiness, sitting in a garden as they watched their children and grandchildren. She saw a life that she would never have.
"You should have told me you big oaf." She lifted her head slightly so that she could look him directly in the eyes. He nodded his head in agreement.
"I'm sorry." Was all he could muster to say.
Felicity didn't know how long they stood in the dim light of the foundry and they didn't care. For the first time since they had met there was no outside world, there was no business calls or criminals to chase down. No one or nothing else mattered except the man who held onto her like his life depended on it.
A/N so another chapter down and only a few more to go. Next chapter will deal with a possible solution to their dilemma but it will require a very difficult decision for Oliver. I know it's not as good or as long as the numerous stories out there so I just wanted to say thanks for reading and being patient while attended to other things before updating. Please review. Sorry again for the wrong post last night.
I'm on tumblr by the way. goodsport862