What may have been, what could have been
Chapter 7
You are not going to lose me
At the time those words served to comfort Felicity when she was feeling vulnerable. It had solidified their friendship and their bond until both of them realized what they meant to one another.
But that was then. Now those words haunted her like no other. They echoed in her head, her mind amplifying Oliver's words until it seemed like there was a huge speaker in her brain. She supposed it was her sub consciousness trying to convince her that Oliver had spoken the truth that day. Or perhaps she was trying to escape the terrible reality that confronted her. It was a reality that she couldn't even imagine because Oliver Queen had lied when he had told her that. She was going to lose him and that knowledge was more than she could bear.
Felicity had always thought of herself as a decent human being. She was reasonable and had always strived to see the best in people. Even back when she first joined Oliver's team and he had chosen his first target in her presence, she had seen more than just a simple criminal. She saw a person who had a son waiting for his father to tuck him at night. Really, the only trouble with her personality she had was her lack of a brain to mouth filter..
In the time she had known Oliver Queen she had seen him go through his ups and downs as a person. She had never pushed him to tell her about the island because she figured that if she made him comfortable enough around her then eventually he would tell her when he was ready. Besides what could she even say to him if he had told her about the grief and pain that haunted his nightmares to this day. Of his torture. Even now whenever she would think about what little she did know of his time on of the island whose name was translated as purgatory, tears threatened to spill. She could not fathom how someone could have survived such anguish.
It was only in the years to follow did she realize that Oliver did not survive on the island. He may have lived physically but the person who he had been died there. Despite what so many people thought, "Ollie" never came home. In his place someone else had returned. In reality there was no Ollie or even an Oliver Queen for that too was just another mask he hid behind to cover up who he had changed into. Five years of suffering and barely scraping by had forged him into a weapon. A weapon that now thirsted to feed on the people that preyed on the weak and helpless. On the island he was the weak one. He was the one that had been preyed on.
She told herself on many occasions that she understood how someone like him could be so consumed with the need for justice and vengeance but it wasn't until she was faced with losing him did she truly understand.
There had been times in her life where she had felt pain, bitterness even. She could still remember the hurt she had felt when her father had abandoned her and her mother but even that paled in comparison to what she was experiencing now.
Because for the first time in her life Felicity Smoak was angry, truly angry. This was not the type of anger that could be fixed with a spa day or even going through her vast collection of nail polish. This was the type of rage that simmered through a person's soul. She was angry at Slade, angry at the world but mostly angry that the life she and Oliver could have had together was being denied them. How was what was happening to them fair? They had given far more than their share of blood but now it seems more was being demanded from them. Where was the justice in that?
Oliver could literally feel the tension grip Felicity's rigid body. He recognized the tell-tale signs of rage all too well. He knew what that did to a person and he did not wish that for Felicity.
"Hey," he whispered to her, trying to get her to look at him. His suspicions were confirmed when he saw the unbridled fury dancing in her eyes.
"You've been hanging around me too much. My glare is starting to rub off on you." He attempted to lighten the mood a little.
She was about to tell him that he shouldn't be joking around at a time like that but the look he gave her made the words catch in her throat. He was feeling guilty for having placed such a burden on her. He had never wanted this for her but life had long ago had ceased to ask what he did and did not want.
Her only response was too tighten her hold around his waist in an effort to show him that there was no such thing as spending too much time with him. Not anymore anyway.
Oliver understood the sentiment and returned the gesture. He let her stay that way for a few more minutes but eventually he forced himself to release his hold on her. He tugged at her arms gently but she only squirmed herself into his body even more.
"I promised Thea I would meet her for breakfast before work." Oliver would have loved nothing more than to stay in her arms and the fact that she seemed to want the same brought a longing in him that he had denied himself for so long. But he had promised his sister and he didn't want one of her last memories of him to be another broken promise.
"I'll see you afterwards." He offered in compromise. "There are still things I need to take care of to make sure that there are no problems with the transition of power at the company. I don't want Isabel to make a play for it after…. After I'm gone." He trailed off, not daring to say the exact word in front of Felicity again.
Slowly she lowered her arms from him but it took longer for her to lift her head from his chest. She sighed softly at the loss of contact. She knew he had other responsibilities, other people he needed to see but she couldn't help herself. If it was selfish for wanting to keep him all to herself then selfish was what she would be.
"Soon?" She all but begged him.
Oliver kissed the top of her head and agreed. "Soon. Get some sleep, I'll call you when I'm on my way to the office."
It was only then that Felicity forced herself to let go. She gave him a half-hearted smile as he turned to leave. It took all the resolve she had not to go after him as she listened to his steps fade as he climbed the stairs to the club above.
She knew she should have probably heeded Oliver's advice to get some sleep but frankly she was terrified to do so. She was afraid that when she woke up he would be gone and she would have wasted what little time they had left together. Instead she decided to do something she had never done before.
She walked over to flashing monitors that were constantly running scans for any type of criminal activity but instead of checking the results she started shutting down the programs one by one. She hesitated after a second, realizing Oliver would probably realize what she had done and ask her to restart her scans. So instead she quickly coded a program that appeared like it was running scans as normal with the exception that no results would ever come across.
She told herself that he deserved some peace. That was how she justified it anyway and while that was true to a certain extent she also did want him to leave her side. Once she was satisfied with her program she then reached for her tablet and hurriedly fired off several mass emails to the employees of Queen Consolidated. She had been Oliver's executive assistant for quite some time now. She knew that her orders would be followed as if they came from Oliver himself.
Oliver would grumble and possibly be even mad when he realized what she had done but if everything went according to the plan forming in her head then Queen Consolidated and the Arrow business would be the furthest thing from his mind. She stood then from her chair and made her way to the foundry's entrance. Before shutting down the lights Felicity took one final glance at the foundry and everything in it. Like her life the foundry had come a long way over the years. At first she had been intimated by this place and what it represented but as time passed it became more of a second home to her and her team mates. This was where they trained, where they hung out on their down times, and where they went to lick their wounds. They had made a lot of memories here and while a lot of them were bad ones, of injuries and defeats, there were good ones as well. This where her team had been built, where their bonds that would last a life time had been forged. Most of all this was his place, Oliver's. It was his sanctuary and he had shared it with all of them, with her.
Images of Oliver forced their way into her mind, unbidden. She saw him training on the salmon ladder or sparring with Diggle. She saw him lying on the cold table they used to treat injuries. He had been beaten, stabbed, shot, and even poisoned but through every trial he had eventually prevailed. With her at his side it had seemed like they could go on forever bringing justice where it was most needed. How cruel fate was to remind her of how fragile life really was. This place was a large part of Oliver's life, a part of his story and because of that hers as well.
Breakfast with Thea was just as how he always wanted to remember it. It was just the two of them but they had been loud enough to fill the room with enough noise that it seemed like there was a party on progress. They talked and they teased until they both ended up gasping for breath after huge fits of laughter. Oliver listened attentively as his baby sister regaled him with stories of the club and of how it was growing. He frowned when she told him about Roy's latest attempt at being romantic and he winced when she talked about whatever trouble she, Roy, and Sin had managed to get themselves into. That trio reminded himself all too well of himself, Felicity, and Diggle. He tried to act like an older brother and caution her when it came to Roy but both of them knew that it was merely a front. Roy had grown since Oliver had first met him. He was still hot-tempered at times but he had learned some control and consequently his choices were now a thousand times better. Oliver had come to respect Roy, not just as a person or as Thea's boyfriend but as a member of his team as well. Sometimes he wished that his little sister would wake up and choose someone else but that was because he knew for a fact that Roy's double life would only lead to heartache for both of them. This was the cost of their choices and just like he bitterly found out, some of those costs are more painful to bear than others. He wondered if he should speak to Roy and perhaps try to convince him to not follow in the Arrow's footsteps. If he would not quit not for his own sake then maybe he would for Thea's. Roy would not be Oliver's first choice for his sister Oliver was happy to know that at least Roy was not the worst Thea could end up with. There was nothing that boy wouldn't to protect Oliver's sister. He would die to protect her but in the end that was what Oliver feared. He prayed that history would not repeat itself.
Oliver offered Thea one of his rare smiles. She thought it was because he was enjoying her company and her stories but in truth it was because Oliver realized that his little sister had grown up. He had been sp focused on being a CEO or the Arrow that he had almost missed. She was no longer the teenager who had crashed her first car while under the influence. She had turned into a strong young woman who would one day take the world by storm. Oliver knew that at least his sister would be okay after he was gone.
He excused himself after a while, claiming that he needed to go to work. He didn't exactly lie to Thea but he was interested more in seeing Felicity again than doing any actual work.
He grabbed a briefcase that was filled with some paper work he had been working on and began to head out. As he crossed the room to head towards the front door where Dig had the car waiting Thea called back to him. "Ollie? I know our family has been through a lot and you have been through a lot but I can't tell you how much it means to me that you are here with me. We'll always look after one another right? You'll always have my back?"
Oliver froze in mid-stride. He blinked away the moisture pricking at his eyes before turning back to face the girl he had nick named Speedy. He wanted to tell her that she was right, that he would always be there for her but he could not bring himself to do so. He winked at her and gave her the biggest smile he could muster before walking out the door.
His heart was heavy as he crossed the threshold of Queen Manor and as much as he wanted to see Felicity again because he knew that her presence alone would help comfort him, he dreaded it. He did not want to burden her with anymore sorrow.
So he was more than surprised to say the least when opened the car door and saw her beautiful face smiling at him. "Breakfast done?"
He could only nod as he stepped into the car to join her in the seat. His eyes never left her as he took on her appearance. To say that she was stunning was an understatement. Felicity had redone her make-up and the worry that had lined her face only hours before were no longer visible. Her hair was down instead of the ponytail that it was usually in. One side of the flowing blonde hair was tucked neatly behind her ear while the other flowed down to cover her ear and shoulder. She had a black top on that took his breath away. Thin straps reached around her shoulders to hold up a top that showed more cleavage than he was used to. His gaze did not stop there. His eyes lowered until he realized that the top only went so far and an intoxicating view of her abdomen was visible. Her skirt was made the same color and made from the same material as her top. It seemed to fit both her hips and legs perfectly and there was way too much shapely leg visible.
"I take it that you like it?" Felicity chuckled.
"I—umm—yeah. I didn't mean to stare." He said embarrassed.
"If I didn't want you to stare then I wouldn't have worn it." She teased, as she scooted herself closer to him.
"So where to, Mr. Queen? Where would you like to go and what would you like to do?' Felicity asked him.
Oliver was confused. "I have to go to the office."
Felicity shook her head. "You are taking a personal day. I already emailed everyone at the office, including Isabel."
"Felicity…"
"Please? I just need some time." She begged. "For once let the world worry about itself."
He nodded then, unable to refuse her.
"So where to? What do you want to do?" She asked again.
Oliver thought about it but for the life of him he couldn't think of anything particular that he was interested in doing. Aside from training there wasn't much he was used to doing in his spare time. There wasn't really anything he looked forward to except spending time with her.
"What would you do on a normal day off before you met me?" He wondered.
Felicity was taken aback. "Me? Ummm I don't know. Stay home and watch a bunch of t.v. shows, I guess. Maybe go through all the Harry Potter movies."
"Great. Can we do that?" He asked curiously. He belatedly realized that he had just asked her to invite him over to her apartment.
"Oliver Queen, you are probably one of the richest men in the world and of all the things you could do you want to spend the day watching movies with me on my sofa?'
"Yes." He said with complete honesty.
Felicity beamed at him as she told Dig to drive them to her apartment.
They didn't say another word to one another until Felicity unlocked her front door.
"It's not as nice as the mansion." Felicity reminded him as she stepped aside so Oliver could enter.
Oliver walked in and immediately some of the tension he had been feeling of late left him. The size of the apartment hardly mattered to him. What was important was that this was her home. Everything he could see reminded him of her and who she was. He swear that it almost smelled like her too.
"It's perfect." This was not the first time he had been in her apartment but it was the first time he would be there under such non-platonic circumstances.
He could see Felicity redden as he followed her into the living room. He couldn't keep his gaze from the exposed flesh while she searched her collection for the movies.
"Here it is." She turned back towards him when she found her box set of Harry Potter movies.
He knew from the blush that quickly spread through her face and arms that she had caught him checking her out.
Embarrassed, felicity walked over to the sofa and slowly sat down. She gestured to the empty spot next to her as an invitation for him to sit. He placed his briefcase on the floor and sat beside her.
"I don't know why you insisted on bringing your briefcase with you. I told you that you aren't allowed to work today."
"I know but there is something I need to give you." Oliver reached into the case and produced a large stack of papers and handed it to her.
She read the bold letters on top.
Last Will and testament of Oliver Jonas Queen.
The nervousness that she had been feeling at having Oliver in her apartment was replaced with with renewed sorrow. "Why are you giving this to me?"
"I need someone I trust so that Isabel doesn't break apart the company. I need you to take over as CEO when I'm gone. I have already started to transfer my shares to your name. I need you to take over until Thea is ready to run things. I wish I could say that she will simply step in as CEO but I know Thea and she might not want to this at all. If that's the case the company is yours permanently."
"Oliver.." Felicity balked at the responsibility that was being handed to her.
"I know it's a lot but there is no one I trust more to run things than you. Can you this for me?" Oliver pleaded.
"Of course." Despite what she said Felicity was unsure if she was really the right person for the job. She didn't grow up in that world. She wasn't a business woman or a Queen. So what right did she have to be CEO of Queen Consolidated. She would try for his sake but she was sure that she would get plenty of resistance from Isabel and her lawyers.
"There's more." Oliver whispered. "I'm leaving you my trust fund."
Her eyes widened at the bomb he just dropped on her. "Oliver, you can't. It's too much. What about Thea?"
Oliver placed his hand on her arm and rubbed small circles into her warm skin. "Thea has her own trust fund."
"I can't accept it. I'm not a Queen or even family."
"Felicty." The way he said her name made the panic seep from her body. She looked up at him to see him staring at her intently. "To me you are family. You have spent so much time looking after me, let me do this. I want to take care of you for a change. Please?"
Now it was Felicity who was unable to refuse his request. She leaned forward to kiss him in appreciation. Not for the money she still felt she didn't deserve but for the heart felt sentiment that he had just expressed.
He took her into his arms then and kissing her the way he should have kissed her so long ago. This was how their first kiss should have been, full of love and bereft of the anguish that had accosted their lives. He tried to memorize the taste of her lips and how perfectly they seemed to fit together.
Both of them were breathing heavily when the kiss finally ended.
Suddenly Oliver looked very unsure of himself as he struggled to tell Felicity what was on his mind. "I lied to you earlier. There is something I want to do more than sit on your sofa and watch a movie."
At first Felicity was hurt. She thought that he had meant that he didn't want to spend the day with her but when we told her what he wanted to do she felt the blush spread throughout her body.
Several minutes later Felicity found herself lying on her bed with Oliver's face only inches from her own. She could literally feel her heart racing with the intimacy of what was happening despite the fact that both of them were still fully clothed minus the shoes.
There was a time in Oliver Queen's life when he would have balked at doing anything but having sex with a beautiful woman in bed but here he was lying so close to Felicity that they shared the same air. They didn't do anything but talk that night yet somehow their closeness seemed to send shivers up his spine.
Their conversations were light at first. They talked about Thea, Roy , and Diggle but eventually the topic shifted to his past. He was unsure of what exactly to say but his need to share this with Felicity over took his apprehension. For the first time since he was rescued from Lian Yu, Oliver opened up to someone so completely that it surprised even him. He thought that it was because there was no point in hiding anything anymore but after a while he realized that it was Felicity more than anything else. He felt comfort in her presence. She had never pushed him to tell her what happened on that hellish, believing that he would come to her when he was ready. He told her everything then. He left nothing out. He told her about Sara, Yao Fei, Shado, Feyers, and Slade. He told her told her how about what he lost, about how he suffered, and how he was tortured.
Felicity shuddered at what she heard. What he told her was so detailed that it made her want to hurl yet not once did she stop him from speaking. She listened and took it all in because it was all a part of him now. Sometimes his voice would tremble when he spoke. Sometimes he would hesitate, unsure how to give words to those horrifying events. She didn't press him. She waited patiently with her hand across his chest in encouragement. She told him that she was there for him and that nothing he said would turn her away from him.
When it was done, when he had said all there was Felicity leaned in and placed a kiss on his cheek. She moved her head to his shoulder and wrapped herself around him as much as she could. The his eyes had a haunted faraway look in them as if he was still reliving everything he had just told her.
Felicity choked back her tears.
"Come back to me." She whispered. "Come home."
And he did.
"Thank you." Felicity blurted out suddenly.
Oliver looked at her questioningly. He thought that maybe she was thanking him for opening up to her but he was mistaken.
"Most people would have let that island change them for the worse but you didn't." She explained.
"But I did, Felicity. I'm a killer."
She shook her head vehemently. 'You don't give yourself enough credit. You were given impossible choices and you did the best you could do. When you came back you could have fought crime in so many ways. You are so rich and influential that you could have probably hired your own mercenaries to help clean up the Glades but you didn't. Instead you felt the responsibility to right the injustice all around you that picked up a bow and risked your life on a daily basis. You have saved so many people including one very grateful blonde executive assistant."
"What can I say I have a weakness for blonde executive assistants ." Oliver joked.
"Uh huh." She played along. "And are there many blonde executive assistants in your life?"
Oliver squeezed her fingers before answering. "Only one that I have ever fallen for."
She closed her eyes upon hearing the words she had hoped to hear from him for so long. They were silent for a while after that. She was content just to hear the sound of his breathing. His breathing was so even that she had thought that he had fallen asleep but when she looked up to check she found that he was wide awake and staring at the ceiling.
"Are you scared?" She asked before she even realized what she was saying.
Oliver took a deep breath in before nodding. "I keep telling myself that I shouldn't be. Every night I go on patrol I know that all it would take is one misstep, one stray bullet. I kept asking myself what the difference until I realized that I was afraid because I have never wanted to live more than I do now. For the first time in as long as I can remember I have someone to live for."
"Anyone, I know?" She asked, curious how far Oliver was willing to go in telling her how he felt.
"Yup." He smirked. "She's blonde, wears glasses most of the time but is just as sexy wearing contacts. Unbelievably smart and is the most remarkable person I have ever met."
Felicity's mouth dropped open. It was amazed her that Oliver Queen saw her in the way that he just described. Her response was to crash her lips onto his own. The kiss was hard, hungry, and full of need. She pulled herself off her side and swung her leg over him until she was firmly straddled above him. Their position caused Felicity's skirt to bunch up around her waist.
Felicity gasped as she felt Oliver's hands slide up her thighs. He would have gone even further if his phone hadn't started ringing.
"Ignore it." Felicity said, in between kisses.
Eventually the loud ring from Oliver's phone stopped but only to be replaced by the ringing of Felicity's phone. She was tempted not to answer it but whoever was calling was desperate to reach Oliver to know to call Felicity.
She reached for the phone on the nightstand and gasped when she when she read the name on the caller id. She showed it to Oliver before flipping open her phone and placed it on speaker.
"Felicity? Is Oliver with you?" Barry's voice was desperate.
"I'm here." Oliver responded quickly, hope rising in him. He knew Barry wouldn't call unless he had some sort of breakthrough.
"I think I found a solution." Oliver heard Barry say. He should have been ecstatic in hearing such news but the tone in the other man's voice told him that there was more to it than a simple cure.
Barry took a deep breath in before continuing. "I reversed engineered what I could from your blood and I was able to create a serum that will suppress the mirakuru but..."
"But?" Oliver whispered. He knew there was a catch. There always was.
"The process will be painful. I'm not sure exactly what you went through when you over dosed yourself but it will be that and probably more. In your condition the serum will just as likely kill you as help you."
Oliver heard a sharp intake of breath from the woman beside him. He could see the fear written all over her face. They stared at one another, a silent conversation passing between them.
Oliver was giving her the choice, Felicity realized. He could spend what time he had left with her or he could let Barry help him and risk losing him even quicker.
Her breath quickened as she looked at him, the ache in her heart increasing a hundred fold. Panic was coursing through her and she could barely think. She silently cursed at life for forcing them to make such a choice.
"I can't lose you. If there is a chance, any chance at all we should take it. I know you and if anyone can survive this it will be you." Felicity finally said.
A somber smile found its way on to Oliver's face. He nodded his head, telling her that he would go along with what she wanted. Even after all this time it still amazed him at how much she believed in him.
"Guys?" Barry voice echoed from the speaker. "There's more..." His heart broke for Oliver and Felicity. In all his life there were no two people who he deserved love than these two.
"The serum, it's not a cure. The mirakuru, it's so complex that I'm not sure I'll ever figure it out but at least this way you live..." Barry's voice trailed, hesitating to say what he needed to.
"What are you saying? How much worse could it be?" Oliver asked. He would regret those words.
"In order for me stop the mirakuru I would have to pretty much slow down your entire metabolic system." The young scientist hoped that they would not hate him for the choice he was about to give them.
"I don't need the mirakuru to chase down criminals." Oliver's eyes narrowed. He didn't understand why Barry was making such a big deal about it. He had survived for a long time with the extra benefits of mirakuru and he would do so again.
"No, you don't get it." Barry blurted out. "The serum will slow your metabolism. Your muscles and body will weaken to the point that you will feel like an average person, maybe less. Any injuries or trauma you receive will accelerate the process."
Felicity watched with wide eyes as Oliver came to realize the full extent of what he was being told.
"Then..." Oliver began.
"You can live as Oliver Queen or die as the Arrow." Barry finished.
A/N Sorry if this chapter was a bit conversation heavy. Please review