A/N well wasn't this fic put to shame when Oliver announced on the show that he wouldn't take the mirakuru. :-)
This is a filler chapter more than anything, but I still wanted to make it as meaningful as I could and I promise that I have a few more climactic and angst filled events before the conclusion.
Due to time constraints from school I haven't been able to write for quite awhile. That is going to change soon. My last day of the semester is on Friday and I have two weeks before my summer internship starts. I want to complete this story before then. So thanks for sticking with me. I will do my best to make it an interesting read.
What may have been, what could have been Chapter 8
You can't just accept things, Oliver. If I had accepted my life it would be a cocktail waitress in Vegas like my mother. I never would have gone to college. I never would have move a thousand miles away to work at Queen Consolidated and I never would have believed some crazy guy in a hood when he told me I could be more than just some IT girl. Please, don't' do this.
Felicity, someone once told me that the essence of heroism is to die so that others can live.
Slade's whole plan was to take everything from me. He did. He wins. All that is left is for me to die.
No, there has to be another way.
There isn't.
That was a dark day for Felicity and her team. Hopelessness clouded over them and threatened to destroy everything they had built together. With his mother's passing, Oliver succumbed to the despair that had long been threatening to overwhelm him. What Felicity saw when she and Diggle found him in his second lair was a mere shadow of the man he had once been. He was ready to surrender. In his heart he felt it was inevitable. He could not defeat Slade. The madman had been plotting his vengeance for too long. Like a vice, Slade collapsed the walls around Oliver until it seemed he had nothing left to live for.
Oliver could have not been more mistaken.
When Slade had told him that there was one more person that needed to die before his vendetta could end, Oliver assumed that the madman had been talking about him. After all, it was Oliver who had cost Shado her life. It was Oliver who always seemed to make the wrong choices.
Choices. His life seemed to be compromised of one impossible choice after another. First he was forced to choose between Shado and Sara. He had refused, but when Ivo pointed the gun at Sara his instincts took over. He had to protect her. He hadn't realized it then, but my moving in front of Sara he had made his decision. Shado paid the price.
That decision haunted him to no end. That scene played itself over and over in his mind as his mind tried to make sense of what had happened. He tried to remember every detail, wondering if he could have done something different that would have spared Shado that gruesome fate. Eventually the burden began to ease as time attempted to heal that mental and emotional scar.
But then Slade and his misbegotten quest for justice bust back into his life and Oliver found himself faced yet again with the same choice. He blamed Oliver for the death of Shado, all the while insisting that Oliver had chosen Sara over her. Only this time the barrel of the gun was directed towards Thea and his mother. Slade had recreated that nightmarish scene and tried to force Oliver to choose between them. He couldn't, of course. He loved them both.
His dear half-sister who seemed to lost all sense of herself as lie after lie peeled away the person who she thought she was. Oliver couldn't lose her. He knew she blamed for keeping the secret of her true parentage from her. She would blame him even more for bringing Slade Wilson into their lives. Yet, she was his sister, his blood and to him she would always be the adorable little girl who chased after him constantly. Queen or no a Queen, she represented all that was pure and good that remained in their seemingly cursed family. She needed to survive.
Then there was his mother, Moira. She was devious and even cruel at times. She wore the lies she had woven around her like a cloak to shield off the bitter cold. She manipulated and she schemed until all hopes of him ever trusting her again had evaporated like the morning dew. Yet, she was his mother. His family. Wrong as she may have been, Moira did the things she did because she loved her children. Oliver did not wish to see her die.
So he made the only choice her could. He asked, no, he begged Slade to allow him to make the right choice. He offered himself up instead. His life was a small price to pay for his family to live. Even as he said the words, his heart broke as his sister sobbed.
Thea still loved him, Oliver had thought to himself. He had not lost her completely despite the coldness she had directed his way the last few weeks. He only regretted that he would not live to make amends. He was not always the brother she needed or delved, but that did not mean he did not cherish every moment with her.
Slade though had other plans. He refused Oliver's offer and demanded that he choose between the two. It seemed history was about to repeat itself when Oliver vehemently refused. Then the unthinkable happened.
With the determination only a mother could muster, Moira Queen stood from where she had been kneeling. With her hands bound, she turned to face the psychopath that threatened her children. Her life may have been dark with deceit and her soul was stained with the blood of 503 lives, but in her final moments of life Moira Queen summoned strength of character that so few could ever hope to muster.
Voice trembling and tear streaming, she gave Slade the outcome he so desperately sought. Both her children would live, she told him. Such was her courage that even Slade, whose mind was warped with delusion, took pause to acknowledge it. For a moment, just one moment, Oliver thought perhaps the man who had once called him a brother had stopped to take pity on him and his loved ones.
Alas, it was not to be so. Before anyone could comprehend what was taking place, Slade plunged the sword he had kept hidden into the heart of the Queen matriarch. The sickening sound of the sword plunging through Moira's chest was only outmatched by the way the one that came from the body as the sword was slowly retracted. Then, free of the one thing, that held her up, Moira's lifeless body collapsed onto the ground. Even as he fell forward in sorrow, Oliver caught his mother's lifeless gaze staring off into the night.
That was the moment despair overtook him. He had already decided to stop fighting and accept his fate when he heard say that there was one more person that needed to die before his vendetta could end.
But then Felicity was taken and Oliver realized that perhaps he did have one more reason to live. He had to fight for no other reason than Felicity needed him to. He could not abandon her. He had already failed too many people and he would be damned if he failed her too. Oliver had to make another choice.
The essence if heroism is dying so that others can live.
To save her, he injected himself with the mirakuru despite telling her just days before that he wasn't planning on taking it. The pain that coursed through him was beyond anything he had ever experienced. The heat was intense as the liquid traversed his body. Nothing was spared, no part was left untouched. There was only one thought allowed him to endure it all. Felicity. She was his mission now. Nothing or no one else mattered except that he survive long enough to save her. Even while in the midst of the transformation, he could see her. He imagined her blushed cheeks, her warm smile. Often he had caught himself marveling at the way the light always seemed to reflect of her smooth skin. Even in the shadows of the foundry, the light seemed to find her. It gave her a sort luminescent glow that seemed out of place in the darkness that constantly surrounded him. It was only then, with blood streaming down his eyes, did accept what he had refused to admit for so long. Felicity Smoak was more than his friend and more than just his partner. She was his strength, his light.
The mirakuru may have given him the physical strength to defeat Slade, but it was Felicity and her unwavering faith in him that gave him the will to see things through.
Then as abruptly as he had erupted into their lives, Slade was gone. Defeated by Oliver, the very man who he had once taught how to fight. Crazy as it may seem, even then Oliver regretted that he had to kill him. They had been brothers. Not in the same way he was with Tommy, but in an older sibling kind of way. In the hell that was the island, Slade had looked after him and taught him what he needed to survive. Him, Shado, and Slade. They were as close to a family as he could manage in such a place a place. Oliver rewarded them by making choices that led to their deaths.
When it was over and Slade had been defeated, Oliver and his friends breathed a collective sigh of relief. They took stock of who and what had been lost. Sara was gone, deciding that an assassin like her did not belong it Starling. Oliver did not want to see her go, but he hoped at the very least that Sara was being cared for. Despite her reputation, Nyssa cared for Sara. How else could she have convinced Nyssa and the league to help fight off Slade's mirakuru powered army. The league was fearsome in their task and they showed Slade's minions no mercy. He watched the league fade into the shadows once their task was complete. They had now seen first hand the corruption in his here so he prayed that the league would never turn their sighs on Starling City.
For the first time it what seemed like forever, Oliver thought began to believe the choices that had defined for long would cease haunting him. He should have known better.
The decision to take the mirakuru has led to yet another impossible choice.
You can live as Oliver Queen or die as the Arrow.
Oliver's body was as still as stone, yet Felicity could see the myriad of emotions dancing through his eyes as he let those words truly sink in. How could he be expected to make such a choice? They were one and the same, Oliver and the Arrow. Two sides of the same coin. Destroying one would surely break the other. Unlike so many people in Oliver's life, Felicity did not see Oliver and the Arrow as two personas. Even Oliver himself often referred to his alter ego in the third person. For Felicity there was no Arrow or Oliver, nor even an Ollie. Just her Oliver and he was a hero with or without his vigilante outfit.
Felicity noticed Oliver's muscles begin to tighten as his instincts began to take over. She knew Oliver like no other. He was about run just as he soften did when the weight on his shoulders threatened to crush him. It happened when Tommy died and again after his mother. There was no telling where he would go or how long he would disappear for. She could not afford to let him go. If he vanished now then there was a chance he could miss his chance to take the serum that Barry had developed.
She hastily thanked Barry again and told him to hurry. After, Felicity released her grip on the phone, allowing it to drop on the floor even as the distance between then was closed. The crack of the screen and the broken tech barely registered in her mind. Usually such a thing would have caused her untold frustration. Right now all her thoughts were focused on the man in front of her. She reached forward quickly to grasp Oliver's arm tightly. Even then she had nearly missed him. His body was already turned towards the door and she knew that her hand was the only thing keeping in place. His whole body shook with effort as he tried to control himself. Part of him wanted to rip his arm away from her while the other part of him knew that there was every chance his mirakuru induced strength would injure Felicity with the attempt.
Felicity had seen first hand the devastation that the mirakuru could wreck. It bound the person in its grip until the anger and rage consumed them. It had been that way with Slade and Roy. The mirakuru destroyed who they were until they no longer recognized friend from foe. Felicity wondered what it meant that even then she was unafraid that Oliver would harm her. Her fingers around him tightened, letting him know that without a doubt she was not going to let him run.
Minutes went by and slowly Oliver's features began to relax. The blue eyes she could stare into for an eternity started to once again regain their focus. Despite her confidence that he would regain his composure, Felicity couldn't help but be impressed by the level of control Oliver displayed. She had seen the mirakuru twist Roy's mind until he was on the verge of killing Thea, the one person he would never have truly hurt if he was in his right state of mind. She wondered if the Oliver's control came from his time on the island, from his mastery in archery, or perhaps it was because he spent day after day donning at least one mask or another.
Once his demeanor started to soften, Felicity closed the last few inches between them. Her hand slid from where she gripped his arm. The silky material of his shirt was soft beneath her touch as she traced the outline of his body until she was able to wrap her arms around his waist. With a sigh, Felicity rested her head on Oliver's broad chest. Her glasses pressed against the bridge of his nose every time he took a breath in, yet even that was an oddly comforting feeling. It meant that he was still alive, that he was still with her. She shuddered at the thought of seeing his cold body laying still and lifeless.
"Talk to me, Oliver." She begged him even though talking was not exactly his strong suit, especially when it came to his feelings. She was answered with a deep sigh that emanated from deep within his lungs. For someone who could Oliver the way she could, that one reaction spoke volumes. That he was tired and frustrated was understatement. He uncharacteristically pressed into her some more until his chin rested comfortably on top of her head. He let the sweet smell of her hair fill his nostrils with each breath he took.
For Felicity the silence between them was deafening. She needed the answers that he refused to give her. She needed to know. Finally, when she could take it no longer, she spoke into the folds of his shirt.
Her position muffled her voice, but even Oliver knew exactly what she was asking.
"Are you going to take the serum?" She repeated with a halting voice. Panic began welling in the pit of her stomach when he still refused to say anything. His silence couldn't have meant anything good right? Because if he was planning to take it then he definitely would have said something? So maybe silence was his answer and he just didn't know how to break it to her. Her mind swam with her ramblings in an effort to make sense of what was happening. She tried to settle herself down. Her unfiltered brain thought of a million things to convince him to just take it.
Instead, "I don't want to lose you," was the only thing she actually managed to say. The fear and panic had probably bled through her voice since Oliver finally stirred.
Oliver honestly didn't know what answer to give. He knew which one he should give, which one she wanted but it was a lot to accept at one time. He pulled her from her position and took her by the hands and led her to the edge of the bed that had, until a few minutes ago, been laying on while they explored one another. It was amazing how just a few minutes could change things so quickly. Sex was the farthest thing on their minds now.
Once seated, Oliver studied Felicity carefully. Her lips were parted slightly as she took shallow breaths in anticipation. He had seen that distraught look on her face before. He saw it when she asked him not to go after Cyrus Gold. She asked him to promise her that he would come back, he couldn't. He saw it again when asked him not to turn himself into Slade, he couldn't. This time he a chance to do what she asked. How could he not take this opportunity to put her at ease when she had already given up so much of her life for him?
"Will you care if I'm never able to the salmon ladder anymore?" He asked to mask the self-questioning turmoil that was raging inside him.
His tactical question seemingly worked. Felicity's red blush deepened in surprise embarrassment. Of all the things she expected him to say, this was not among them. "O course not, Oliver."
"Are you sure?" He kept pressing, knowing exactly how to fluster her. "I see you staring sometimes, you know."
"I do not!" She yelled, defensively.
"Just because I never said anything doesn't mean I never noticed. Besides you already told me once that you liked watching me on it."
She realized then that Oliver was right. She had said that very thing when he returned from Lian Yu the second time.
Smiling slightly, Felicity reached up and cupped his chin. "As long as you are alive then I don't care if I never see you do another chin up, pull up, the salmon ladder, or any exercise ever again. Honestly, Oliver, that's the first thing that came to your mind?"
"Can you blame me for making sure you would still be interested in me? After all, you did point out when I gave that syringe of vertigo that you noticed that I was very particular with what I out in my body."
Felicity punched him lightly on the shoulder as he reminded her of yet another example of her lack of a filter when it came to him.
"Does this mean you will take it?" she asked, hopefully.
He was in the middle of breathing in when she asked. Suddenly the air seemed to lodge itself in his throat. Oliver nodded, giving her the answer she wanted.
Felicity lunged forward to wrap him in another hug, despite the fact that there were still some risks ahead. Barry said that there was still every chance he could die from the procedure, but sl teats he was willing to try.
Oliver basked in her embrace for a few moments longer before separating himself.
"Ask Barry to set up as soon as he gets here." Oliver stood and straightened his clothes. "You can call me as soon as he is ready."
'Oliver, where-?" She stood after him, confused.
He leaned it to kiss the top of her forehead to reassure her. "I promise, I'll be there. There's just one more thing I need to do."
After leaving Felicity's place, Oliver headed straight to the one place he needed to go. He took a cab instead of calling Dig for a ride. He needed to sort out the emotions in his head. He was having difficulty accepting what was about to happen.
The cab ride didn't take long. He paid the driver and started walking with sure steps across the grassy field. It was almost dusk in Starling City. The fading light created a haunting glow around everything.
Oliver paid no attention to where he was stepping and it was only when the headstone appeared in front of him, did Oliver realize he had arrived at his destination.
IN LOVING MEMORY
OF THOMAS MERLYN
1985-2013
He sat himself down beside the grave and rested his weight on the cold stone.
"He, Tommy," Oliver whispered into the deepening shadows. Fittingly, it began to rain as he told his best friend of all that had befallen him of late and of the choice that lay ahead.
"It looks like I won't be able to be a hero after all."
A/N I promise to update soon. Sorry again if this chapter felt too much like a filler. Like I said before, if too many say its a bad chapter I can always delete it and try to write a better one Please review
Also I am goodsport862 on tumblr