"Derek?" Izzie asked quietly.
They were both now lying on their backs staring up at the starry night. It was a beautifully clear night, and Izzie wanted to spend eternity sharing this moment with him, but she knew it couldn't last.
"Iz." He took her hands and brought it to his mouth. He gently kissed it. "Please don't—
"No. Derek, you don't!" Izzie persisted, "I can't do this. Maybe you can, but I can't. I can't do this to Meredith."
"Iz, I—
"Derek, I am going to close my eyes right now. And when I open them again, you had better be gone." Izzie pulled her hand back, and Derek could feel her starting to tremble. "Please be gone."
"Izzie, this . . . what we have—
"Is nothing! Please Derek." He was pushing her to her breaking point.
She closed her eyes, and Derek was at a loss for words. He rolled to his side and looked down into her beautiful face. He lowered his head and brushed a kiss on her lips.
"Derek . . ." He could feel Izzie's eyes beginning to well up. "Please Derek." She was begging him.
He nodded his head and got up.
When Izzie finally opened her eyes, she was all alone.
________________________________
Meredith walked into her house and headed straight for the liquor cabinet. She grabbed her tequila and sunk onto her couch, wondering why Derek was acting strange.
It had been almost a week since she poured her heart out to Derek in Joe's. She told him that she was different. That she wasn't what was expected and that he knew how twisted she could be. She asked him to give her a chance and she would pull through. She was in a dark place, and he would have to let her pull through. She knew she could be with him, but he would just have to wait with her. She could do it. She would try.
She told him she would be waiting at the bar. Cristina had already left.
But all the while she was talking to him, he had the strangest smile on his face. A knowing smile. Or maybe a too late smile. Or it was just a sad smile.
She couldn't tell, and she went back to sit down. Derek left without even giving her a backwards glance, and Meredith had never felt so humiliated.
So now, she was spending the past few days drowning her misery in tequila and waiting for the first person to walk through the door to spill her heart to. Cristina had listened for a few days, and then Alex.
Meredith took a deep breath when she heard the front door opening and saw Izzie walk in.
"Iz. Join me."
Izzie was surprised to see Meredith. Then her eyes shifted uncomfortably.
"Something the matter?"
"No," came a slow reply.
"Then join me."
"Mer, I've been trying to cut back on the drinking bit." Izzie was staring just passed Meredith.
"I insist. One drink that's all."
Izzie looked around. She breathed in and then resolved to join her. "One drink."
"So," Meredith eyed her.
"So?" Izzie looked at her questioningly.
"So I've talked to Cristina and Alex. Now it's your turn."
"My turn. For what?" Izzie was getting uncomfortable.
"I poured my heart out to Derek. I waited for him to come. He didn't. What does that mean?"
Izzie spit her drink back up at the first sentence. "You poured your heart out? When?"
"About a week ago. But what does it mean? You're the intuitive, compassionate one. Tell me."
Once Izzie saw Meredith use her fingers in quote marks at her last sentence, Izzie knew whatever she said at this point didn't matter to Meredith. Mer needed her McDreamy to come rescue her from whatever she was feeling.
How was it that Derek did that? Rescued people from themselves?
"So, he didn't come?" Izzie could take a wild guess as to why.
Cristina burst in at that point. "Hit me up." She grabbed the bottle and started downing it. "What're we talking about?"
"Derek not coming."
"Uh-oh. Have you gone back to the dark place again?" Cristina looked over at Meredith.
Izzie took this as her cue to leave.
"Wait! What do you think?" Meredith looked at her expectantly.
"We care about what Barbie says?" Cristina looked questioningly.
"I need something different."
Izzie looked at them. She was suddenly annoyed with them. And she was further angered at herself at what she was about to do for them.
"Seriously? You guys, how hard can it be to commit to someone you love? Both of you had something great. And what did you let it go for? You have no idea how lucky you both are!" Izzie stormed upstairs.
"She's talking about Denny, right. Or George?" Cristina looked over at Meredith.
"Uhhhh . . . Denny, I think. I don't know. It's all complicated."
_____________________________
Derek spent the entire day on the lookout for Izzie. Apparently, she was in the clinic, but when he went there she was no where to be found.
If she had motioned Rule #4, then she was obviously still taking part in the just sex thing, right?
He was on the brink of desperation just to capture a glance of her.
He was forced to swallow his desperation for minute and had turned to write something on a chart at the nurses' station when he felt a presence come beside him. The smell was intoxicating. He started to turn to face her, when she quietly said, "Don't."
"Izzie, what's the matter?" he silently asked.
"Tonight. Your trailer. 9 p.m." She was gone as suddenly as she came.
Derek had to hold himself from turning his head and smell the delicious scent she had left behind.
However, he couldn't interpret what her intentions were. Did she want sex? Her voice didn't sound aroused, but the sex part didn't matter. He just wanted to be near her. Touch her. See her. Smell her hair.
Derek was in a hurry to get his work done, but had to hold back his intentions from Meredith as she was on his service today. It had been a week since she had her emotional outburst, and Derek was avoiding her because he didn't know what to say to her. He knew there was nothing between them, but he wasn't sure how to break it to her that he was no longer interested. He didn't think he could handle all her emotions at once. After all, how do you tell a woman you had such history with that it's over?
It was because he had lost his heart to Izzie. Everything was so simple between them that it was beautiful. He knew she felt overshadowed by Meredith's presence, but he would talk to her tonight. Try to show her the good thing between them. Despite his and Izzie's no-relationship-sex pact, they knew each other so well. They connected to a point where being around each other gave the other a brilliant glow. A shiny aura. They were a perfect fit.
Meredith expectantly watched Derek the entire day. She was waiting for him to say something, but he kept everything to a professional level. She sensed his hurry in leaving, but she didn't say anything.
When Derek was finally able to leave as dusk was falling, he quickly freshened up and drove out to his trailer. He got out of his truck to see Izzie's car already there. He went inside to find his trailer empty. He was confused.
He went back outside and looked around. Then he saw an outline in the darkness. She was lying on a blanket several feet away from the trailer.
He walked towards her. Her eyes were closed, a soft smile at her lips. There was a small container beside her. Watching her in such a relaxed state, Derek was speechless. She radiated waves of sensuality and beauty. Derek softly knelt beside, never wanting to end this moment. He bent down and softly brushed a kiss on her pink lips.
Izzie instantly opened her eyes alarmed.
"Iz, it's just me."
Izzie smiled. A sad smile, but she was still beautiful. The stars were reflected in her pretty brown eyes.
She got up, and Derek was unsure what she had planned.
"I have something for you," she said as she reached to the container and pulled out chocolate chip muffins.
"Your favorite," Derek said knowingly. She was breaking her own rules of no relationship stuff, but Derek had the sinking feeling that something was going to change tonight
She gave him the strange smile again. Like he was breaking her heart with every word he said.
Derek grasped her hand and took the muffin from it. He didn't let go of her hand, but when he bit into it, he did.
"IZZIE!" he mumbled with a mouthful.
Izzie's eyes grew wide. "What?!"
"This is the best thing I have ever had!"
Izzie laughed. A hearty laugh and laid back down.
Derek finished the muffin and took his place beside her. He took her slender fingers and massaged them in his hands. She didn't take her hand back, but he could feel her hands grow cold when her demeanor changed.
"Iz? What's the matter?" he rolled over to look at her. "No sex tonight?"
She chuckled lightly. "No sex. Definitely not." She didn't say anything, but her eyes were on the stars.
Derek was mesmerized with the way the stars looked in her eyes. He watched her inhaled deeply and let it slowly out. Whatever this was, it was going to be painful for her, he could tell.
"Derek?"
And then Derek knew what she was going to say. He rolled back on his back. "Don't Izzie."
"Please listen to me. I have to say it."
He was silent and Izzie continued.
"I haven't always made the best choices in my life. Every time I took a chance at what I thought would make me happy, someone always got hurt. More often than not, it was me."
Izzie turned to face him, but he was the one now staring at the stars. She brought her hands to his face. She traced his outline before running her fingers through his amazing hair.
He remained silent, so she continued.
"This time it's not me that's hurt. I thought that I could do this. I thought that this was what would make me happy, but I was wrong. Derek, I'm not a casual sex person. I thought I could do this, but I can't. I don't have it in me. I get attached, and it gets messy. You know how it's been. It's that or it's the wrong place, wrong time."
Izzie removed her hand and looked back up at the sky.
"I get attached. The truth is you and I will not work. Whatever this is or what we had, it won't work. As casual as it may seem, I can't have feelings for you. You and I are the wrong place, wrong time."
"Izzie? Is this about Meredith?"
Izzie's silence was his answer.
"Derek?" Izzie asked quietly.
They were both now lying on their backs staring up at the starry night. It was a beautifully clear night, and Izzie wanted to spend eternity sharing this moment with him, but she knew it couldn't last.
"Iz." He took her hands and brought it to his mouth. He gently kissed it. "Please don't—
"No. Derek, you don't!" Izzie persisted, "I can't do this. Maybe you can, but I can't. I can't do this to Meredith."
"Iz, I—
"Derek, I am going to close my eyes right now. And when I open them again, you had better be gone." Izzie pulled her hand back, and Derek could feel her starting to tremble. "Please be gone."
"Izzie, this . . . what we have—
"Is nothing! Please Derek." He was pushing her to her breaking point.
She closed her eyes, and Derek was at a loss for words. He rolled to his side and looked down into her beautiful face. He lowered his head and brushed a kiss on her lips.
"Derek . . ." He could feel Izzie's eyes beginning to well up. "Please Derek." She was begging him.
He nodded his head and got up.
When Izzie finally opened her eyes, she was all alone.
It was nearly a minute when she heard the trailer door bang shut.
Izzie's vision began to blur, but she refused to cry here. She got up and grabbed her blanket and got into her car. She refused to cry in her car, too. She drove home, tiptoed into the house past Meredith who was having another tequila night, dishing her thoughts about her McDreamy with Cristina.
Izzie went straight to her room and locked the door. Then she cried.
She cried her heart out. Cursed Derek. Cursed him for making her fall for him. Cursed him for making her feel better and then taking it away.
When Izzie's eyes were dried out, she cursed herself. Because she was the one who had taken it away. But she had to do it because Derek wasn't the one for her.
And yet, she missed the way he said her name. The way his lips curved around the syllables. The way his lips attacked hers—
She pushed those thoughts away. She couldn't ruin everything else. The Meredith and Derek saga her friends had dreamt up was something everyone was aware of. The one where there was no other person but Meredith to Derek and vice versa.
She had overstepped her line. Crossed the line of the love lives of friends, so she did what she thought was best.
It was the right thing to do, right?