This is my way of saying...
This wait is killing me.
I need SWAC/Ep. 13 now.
-dies-
Anyway, enjoy.
- May
Disclaimer: SWAC is killing me. But, I love it, and I don't own it. :(
She Was Killing Me
I wanted her. I wanted her so bad it was painful. It tightened my chest, cramped my stomach, and made my hands sweaty. And worst of all, I couldn't have her. And it sucks because all my life, I thought, whatever I wanted I could get easily, because I'm Chad Dylan Cooper. And the one thing I want the most, out of everything in the world, the one that I want so fuckin' bad, I couldn't have. It was like she was my own personal torturer from hell, just coming here to make my life miserable. Why couldn't she go rain hell on some other person, damn it? Why me?
My life was perfect before she came along and ruined it. She came along and rained on my parade, my thoughts that I could have whatever I want. Damn, her name is Sonny she's supposed to brighten up my day - but no, she has to go along with her perfect figure, and her pretty hair, and her beautiful face, and everything so damn gorgeous about her. When I look in her drop-dead beautiful chocolate brown eyes, I pretty much feel like I'm dead. But in a good way. A good-dead.
When she walks in the cafeteria, her eyes sweep everyone in it, and for one second, her eyes glance at me, and all of a sudden, I gain this small speck of hope, that maybe someday I would be able to have her, fuck the image-- but she just moves on. When she finds the person she's looking for, she smiles and goes to him. And for all this time, I've wanted her to look at me, and smile at me, and come to me. But since I'm not allowed to have her, I can't.
It's because of my fuckin' reputation and my fuckin' publicist, and the fuckin' hollywood shit. I'm not allowed to have her, I'm not allowed to be date her, and I'm definitely not allowed to care for her. But damn, I have to keep with this bad boy image, because I'm supposed to be the bad boy of the press. Shit. Even if I did date her I would only hurt her. Because, I'm the kind of guy, that they fuckin' expect me to be a playboy, to break people's hearts. But I don't want to break her heart. I want hold her and keep her for all my own, to touch her in ways other people can't touch her. Damn, what am I thinking? Damn it, I want her. I want her. I want her.
I want her to look at me. Why won't she look at me? I just want her to look in my eyes and realize how much I want her and how much I want to kiss her and how much I want to hold her close to me, and not let anyone get her.
That damn guy. That fuckin' lucky damn idiotic guy. He got the angel for his girlfriend, and he doesn't even look that happy. What the hell is with that? That stupid guy -- now if I were him, I'd be soaring by now. I glare at him, my eyes in slits. Damn him. She picked the wrong guy to be her boyfriend. She needed someone who would protect her, someone to be her knight in shining armor. Me. She needed me. Besides, he wasn't even that good-looking. I am. I'm so much better looking.
I watched her eat her yogurt, licking the remainder off her lips. I wished for once that I could be there, licking the yogurt of her lips, and kissing her. Just kissing her without feeling any fuckin' obligation to anyone or anything. But I can't. I couldn't ever. The closest I ever got was kissing her hand, at that fake date, and that was freakin' humiliating now that I think about it.
I can't satisfy how much I wanted her with those little carefully sweet acts that I planned out myself. I couldn't help myself, I wanted to dance with her, I wanted to sweep her off her feet like she deserved. But before it gets too far, I have to fuckin' act all jerky again so she thinks I don't care. But I do. I really really really do. I care so much, well she'd probably freak out and think I'm a stalker if she ever found out. Damn. She fills my head every single second of the day.
I bit my lip, and stood up, wanting so badly just to go over there, and... and...
But I couldn't. I got up, and forced my heavy feet to walk past her, it wasn't easy, they wanted to just stop their and talk to her. As I passed her, I muttered under my breath, "I want you." Because I just couldn't hold it in anymore, but then I just kept walking.
"What?" She asked me, her voice ringing through the cafeteria. My heart was pounding in my chest, and I closed my eyes. I loved the sound of her beautiful voice, how clear and innocent it was. I paused for a second, standing there, my back still to her.
"Nothing." I answered bitterly, more to myself then her, and I continued walking. "Nothing." I repeated, trying to convince myself.
She didn't know it, but she was killing me.
I am dead.
Love,
May
P.S. REVIEW?! :D Bring me back to life?