Meredith sighed as she walked into her apartment three weeks later, her body dragging after a long day at school. Meg had come to her classroom with tears in her eyes and a million questions about heaven, and she was just trying to hold herself together as she tried to comfort Emma, take care of a deceivingly fine Derek, manage a classroom, and answer all of Meg's questions about death and heaven.
"Hey Mer," Derek called cheerfully from the kitchen. "Dinner's almost ready."
Meredith rolled her eyes as she dropped her bag on the ground and threw her coat over the back of the couch before she moved into the kitchen where Derek was standing over the stove. "Hi," she said.
"How was your day?" Derek smiled as he leaned over to kiss her gently. "I missed you."
"Hard," Meredith sighed. "Meg was coming to me with all kinds of questions. Apparently with Kath on bed rest, she doesn't have the energy to answer all these inquiries."
Derek sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. "I should get over there," he sighed. "She's not handling this well."
"Hmm," Meredith nodded, pouring a glass of wine and looking at it carefully. "I think she's handling it better than her uncle."
"That's ridiculous," Derek said. "I understand death."
"No one understands death," Meredith argued. "And at least she's admitting that something happened."
"I know something happened," Derek said. "My dad died. I'm fine, Mer."
"No you're not," she said. "You're pretending you're fine."
"Why is this so hard for you to believe?" Derek asked. "It sucks, but I'm fine."
Meredith examined him closely for a moment before she shook her head and sighed. "Whatever," she said, hopping off the counter. "I'm going to change."
"Fine," Derek sighed, turning back to the stove.
"Derek," she said as she turned back to look in the kitchen. "I know you're not fine. You're grieving your own way, and that's totally okay. But eventually, you're going to realize that you're not fine. And just so you know, I'm not running. I'll be here to take care of you when you finally realize that it's okay for you to be sad. I'm not running. I promise."
She smiled sadly at him for a moment before she retreated into their bedroom, reaching for her leggings and one of his t-shirts that she had somehow taken possession of. As she was splashing some water on her face, she heard Derek come into the bedroom and felt him staring at her before she stood and faced him, her eyes wide and worried.
"You have no idea what you're talking about," Derek said evenly. "My father just died, and now I'm the man of the house. My mother is completely broken, my sister is on bed rest because she's so traumatized, and the rest of my family is depending on me. I have to make sure that my mother is taken care of, that my baby sisters have their education paid for, and that dad's store is sold properly. During all of this, I have to study for my intern exams and work, not to mention this damn wedding that you're obsessed with. So I have to be strong. I have to take care of my family, not like that's something you understand."
Meredith flinched visibly, trying to remind herself that this wasn't her fiancé talking. Derek was in there somewhere, but it wasn't him who was talking to her right now. She took a deep breath before she faced him eye to eye, trying to fight off the tears that were building in her eyes. "You're right," she said softly. "Maybe I don't understand family. But if there is one thing I understand, it's you. And sooner or later you're going to snap. I hate that you have to go through this, Derek, I do. But I'd rather see you deal with this now than a week before your intern test or the morning of our wedding. Maybe that's selfish, I don't know. But I want you, Derek. Not this weird pod person that's trying to be strong for everyone. He was your father, Derek. You looked up to the man for your entire life, no one expects you to be fine."
"I have to go," Derek snapped, turning to walk out of the room.
"What?" Meredith frowned, reaching for his arm. "Derek, I didn't…you can't leave."
"I can't be here right now," Derek shook his head. "There's too much to do. I have to check on Mom, Kath probably needs me, and I missed so much work…I have to make up for it in the OR."
"What about me?" Meredith whispered, staring at him as he stopped in front of the door, not turning to face her. "What about me, Derek? I'm hurting. I just lost the only man who was willing o ever be my father. And I need my fiancé. I miss you, Derek. We can get through this, as long as you'll let me be here for you. I just want you back. I want my fiancé who loves me more than anything in the world, who texts me constantly from work because he misses me. I want the man who's constantly playing with my hair and telling me how happy I make him. I miss you, Derek, and I want to help you get back to being that man. I want you to get excited about our wedding again. Please let me help you."
Slowly, Derek turned around to look at her with hard eyes. "I'll never be that man again," he said evenly. "And the last thing I need right now is this selfish attitude of yours."
Before Meredith could respond, he turned and slammed the door behind him, leaving her alone and heartbroken in the middle of their living room.
XXXXX
"Derek," a voice said from behind him as he stood staring at the OR board a couple hours later. He turned and smiled slightly at his fellow intern.
"George," he greeted, running a hand through his hair as he turned back to the OR.
"I um…didn't you just leave here a couple hours ago?" George asked, looking closely at him.
"Yeah," Derek sighed. "I just figured I should get some more hours in here."
"I'm sorry about your dad," George said softly. "I know that can't be easy."
"Thanks, but I'm fine," Derek said, looking at him quickly for a moment before turning back to the OR board.
"I would want to be with my family," George said softly. "I mean, my parents don't really understand me, and my brothers drive me insane, but if something were to happen…I would need them."
"You sound like my fiancé," Derek sighed, running a hand through his hair.
"Meredith, right?" George asked. At Derek's surprised expression, he said, "I met her at the mixer. She seemed to know what she was talking about."
"She usually does," Derek said. "But I just had a pretty big fight with her."
"It's normal," George started, moving to sit beside Derek on the stairs. "To take out our grief on those who we love the most, and trust the most."
"I said some horrible things," Derek heard himself saying, wondering why he could talk to a near stranger about his feelings, but he couldn't even turn to his fiancé, the woman he loved more than anything in the world. "She promised not to run, and I practically forced her to pack her bags."
George looked at him for a moment before he said, "You know, I don't know you or your fiancé that well. But you seem like a really great guy. And Meredith…well, I could tell after talking to her for even a few minutes that she was special. It's obvious that you love her a lot."
"I need her," Derek sighed, staring up at the ceiling. "She was right when she told me that I needed her to help me through this. But instead of telling her that, I told her I didn't have time for her, or for planning our wedding."
"It sounds to me like you're the one who's running," George pointed out. "She's trying to help you, even if you're not ready, you're here. You're here at this lonely hospital in the middle of the night when you don't have to be, instead of accepting the help your fiancé so desperately wants to give you."
Derek froze for a moment before he turned to look at George with wide eyes. "You're right," he said. "I'm trying to take care of my entire family right now. I never realized that I need her to take care of me."
"Go ahead," George smiled, gently reaching for the charts out of Derek's arms. "And… I'll take over your shift for tomorrow."
"You don't…" Derek started, but George shook his head.
"I'd want someone to do this for me," he said with a smile. "So don't worry about it."
"Thanks," Derek said with a hint of a smile. "Why haven't we hung out before?"
George shrugged. "You're pretty busy," he said.
"Well…you should come out with Mark and I some time," Derek said.
"Thanks, I'd like that," George said, looking down at his beeping pager. "But I've got to go. On call and everything."
"George," Derek called after his fellow intern as he started down the hall. "Thanks."
"My pleasure," George said before he took off down the hall.
Derek sighed as he reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone, his thumb lingering over speed dial one before he shook his head and shoved the phone back into his pocket. He couldn't do this yet.
XXXXX
"Hi Liz," Meredith sighed as she opened the door to their apartment and laid eyes on the tired form of her kind of sister in law. "I'm sorry for calling."
"It's okay," Liz sighed, stepping into the apartment and wrapping her arms around Meredith. "My apartment is way too quiet."
Meredith sank into Liz's embrace, grateful to have comfort from at least one Shepherd. "How's your mom?" she asked as she wiped away tears and turned to walk into the living room, pulling Liz with her.
"How would you be?" Liz snapped, then shook her head. "Sorry. That was…I don't know what's wrong with me."
"I do," Meredith sighed. "Apparently Shepherds love to take out all their anger on me."
Liz frowned as she squeezed Meredith's hand. "What's wrong?" she asked gently. "Derek?"
"Yeah," Meredith sighed. "He's…I kind of told him that he had to start grieving. And he yelled at me and called me selfish and said I didn't understand family."
"Oh, Mer," Liz sighed. "My brother doesn't know how to handle this. None of us do, but Derek…he's completely alone now. He has us and you and Mark, but he and Daddy always had this special bond. He doesn't know how to be the same person without him."
"I know," Meredith sighed. "And I told him that I wasn't running, that I would be there for him. And then he left. He ran after I promised him I would never run and then begged him not to."
"He's scared," Liz said. "You know Derek, Mer. You know him better than anyone in the world, so you know that he's trying to take care of everyone and not himself."
"I know," she nodded. "But I want to do that. Even if he pretends to be strong while he takes care of everyone else, I want to be the one to take care of him."
"You have to be patient," Liz sighed. "He'll come around eventually. He loves you, Mer, eventually he'll get his head out of his ass and realize that he needs you."
"I hope so," Meredith sighed. "I'm sorry, Liz. I know you're going through this too, but I just couldn't stand to be alone right now."
"Me either," Liz sighed. "Where's Derek now?"
"I don't know," Meredith sighed. "I don't even know if he's coming home. I don't know if I'm still engaged. I don't know…"
"You're definitely still engaged," Liz said, leaning forward to squeeze Meredith's hand. "That will never change. Until you get married."
Meredith giggled slightly as she looked down at her ring. "I was going to ask him to walk me down the aisle," she whispered.
"Oh, Mer," Liz sighed. "I know. My daddy's gone. He won't get to approve for my hand in marriage, walk me down the aisle, spoil my babies. And that kills me."
"I'm sure Derek will be willing to do all of that," Meredith giggled.
"He will," Liz nodded, getting off the couch and reaching for Meredith's hand to pull her up as well. "And he'll be so excited to marry you. He's just…being Derek."
"No, he's not," Meredith sighed. "That's the problem."
Before Liz could reply, the door burst open and Derek walked in, smiling at the two women in the living room. "Hey, Mer," he smiled, leaning in to kiss her deeply before he turned to press a kiss to Liz's forehead. "Hey Lizzie I didn't know you were coming over."
Liz and Meredith stared at him as he walked back into the bedroom, whistling happily. "Is this how he's been?" Liz whispered to Meredith.
"Since we got back from the funeral," Meredith nodded. "He refuses to admit that anything is wrong."
Liz frowned as Meredith pulled her into the bedroom, where Derek was pulling some heavy sweaters out of his closet. "Um…what are you doing, Der?" Meredith asked carefully.
"Oh," Derek laughed, turning to look at them. "I should have told you. I bought a trailer."
"A trailer?" Liz and Meredith asked at the same time.
"Yeah," Derek nodded. "I didn't get a generator though, so I figure I need some warm clothes."
"You bought a trailer," Meredith repeated. "Like…a trailer park trailer?"
"Well, it's a little nicer than a trailer park trailer, but yes, same idea," Derek smiled, pausing to kiss her cheek.
"But…why?" Meredith asked.
"Well, I figured I'd put it on our land," Derek shrugged. "I'll need it for fishing."
"Since when do you fish in a trailer?" Meredith demanded.
"I'm not actually going to fish there," Derek rolled his eyes. "But I can leave my stuff there, sleep there if I don't feel like camping."
"Seriously?" Meredith asked. "You're worried about fishing? What about your family? Your intern exam? I know you don't care about our wedding, but shouldn't you care about the other things?"
"Look, I know I was stupid earlier," Derek sighed. "I just need some time to escape, to think about things."
"Do you need to think about me?" Meredith whispered, not sure she wanted to hear the answer.
"No," Derek shook his head. "I love you, Mer. Even if I hate you sometimes…I'll always love you."
"Oh," Meredith visibly relaxed. "I…do you want some company at the trailer then?"
Derek stared down at her for a moment before he nodded. "I'd like that," he nodded. "Bring warm clothes."
"Okay," Meredith smiled, turning to Liz. "Unless…do you want me to stay?"
"No," Liz shook her head. "I should go check on Mom anyways."
"Thanks for coming," Meredith whispered, wrapping her arms around Liz. "I'll call you later."
Liz returned the hug and pulled back to smile at her brother. "I'll see you soon, Derbear," she sighed.
"Bye Lizzie," he whispered, staring down at the bed.
Meredith sighed as she turned to Derek, frowning as he collapsed onto the bed, a piece of paper clutched tightly in his hand. "Derek?" she whispered, sitting down beside him and running a hand over his back. "What is it?"
"My first fish," Derek whimpered, shoving a picture into Meredith's hands. "I hated that picture, but Dad kept a copy over his desk at work. I secretly kept a picture, and I just found it in my bag. I can't…Mer…"
Meredith blinked back tears as she looked down at a picture, a little boy who was so obviously Derek proudly holding up a fish as a much younger Michael looked down with complete pride in his eyes. "Derek," she whispered, leaning into him and resting her head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry."
"Mer," he breathed, leaning into her. "Don't leave."
"I won't," Meredith whispered, hugging him tightly. He had always been there for her no matter what. Now it was time for her to be there for him.
OH MY GOD. Last night's episode was completely amazing, and I am still in complete shock. I added George into this update because, well...I really hate that he got hit by a bus. I hope you liked it!