That clock is annoying.

I couldn't remember the last time I had had a full night's sleep. Maybe I didn't deserve one. My dreams aren't really dreams either… am I just mumbling to myself? He really needs to fix this couch…

"Mr. Hiwatari?"

I had forgotten he was there.

"Oh sorry…" I felt my cheeks flush. I wasn't used to being this distracted. But then again, I was beginning to get used to the feeling of never really being anywhere.

The man across from me folded his legs again and sighed, putting down his pen and staring at me. I hadn't seen him in a while, he'd been trying to get in contact me via my cell, but I hadn't really had the chance to pick up or even talk.

I had two homes, one here in Japan and another in Russia. Though I preferred the one in Russia I had this one in Japan for one sole reason…

I had memories here.

Memories that I didn't want to admit to anyone that I had. My friends were my true friends, and even if I did play hardball with them I could never let them know how much they really meant to me. I had to have that impression of being nonchalant, of being the superior, of being the one who couldn't feel anything because I didn't want to feel.

There I go, rambling again. I guess I should tell him that.

"Look we're not getting anywhere with this." His voice made me regain reality.

"Why don't we start off by letting you relax for a bit?"

I couldn't think of a better way to come up with an excuse to let me sleep. That would be a reward in itself.

When I lay down on the couch I could feel my subconscious mind playing tricks on me again, her voice seeping into my head.

Kai…

I wanted to talk back, but my mouth kept shut. I couldn't let him know anything… but then again he was my psychiatrist. He had to be good for something.

"Your friends found you curled up on the ground beside a gravestone?"

"I was just resting… that's all."

"You have night terrors."

I kept my lips pursed… I had no idea he knew of my night terrors. Those nights I would wake up and scream because the last thing I saw was her fading from me. I was held back by those hands… those bloody hands… everything I ever did was for her.

Rambling.

"Kai… can you close your eyes for me please?"

I didn't fight him; I did as I was told. I was a good boy. I knew how to play his little game. I didn't think I had a problem, but with him knowing the night terrors I began to think that he knew more than what he led on. Maybe he was waiting for me?

I heard him say a few more words before I finally managed to drift off into a sleep so deep that I forgot where I was for a second.

Because all that mattered was that I saw her.

The streets were lined with cobblestones, and slowly the rain began to pour down upon me. A dimly lit lantern to my left had a clock as a face, and I saw that three A.M was slowly approaching.

My veins were pulsating; my body was still the same. I could feel everything here. Was I really here? In this place?

She used to talk about dreams a lot. She loved to dream. I almost wish I could have made that happen. I almost wish that somehow I could have introduced her to a never ending dream that would have taken her wildest dreams and made them come true.

Ha. A dream made by her wildest dreams.

I could hear the clock ticking, and for some reason I knew that this wasn't where I had to be. I had to be somewhere else. Why did this place look so familiar?

The smell of musk and rain filled my nostrils and suddenly I remembered. I turned rapidly to a nearby street and saw that a few cars were parked in the lots next to buildings that were lit with the dinner crowd. Restaurants and bakeries and coffee shops were lined with customers, every single one of them laughing and trotting on about their night as if nothing was wrong.

But everything was wrong.

I knew this place better than anyone, better than I even knew myself practically.

We used to have coffee here all the time.

We talked, we dreamt, we kissed.

I took her out in that red car over there… where I parked it.

My hands suddenly grasped at my cloak and I realized that I was wearing the same cloak and jacket I had worn that day. Muted green with brown pants. Choice style.

Something was wrong, and I knew it.

I knew the place, I knew the people, I knew the car. But what was my mind trying to keep from me? Was this place holding something so dastardly that I had to wipe my memory flat of whatever it was?

The rain soaked my bones and suddenly I found myself back in my doctor's office. I was having a dream he said, and I was talking in my sleep. I had said something about some coffee shops and where we had had coffee, but he didn't give me a name. The visit seemed over almost too soon and as I wished him farewell I walked back out again.

I didn't remember waking up.

The rain was pouring down hard, the snow all around me. I could see that some snow flurries scattered in the rain too, but mostly rain pelted at me. I was wearing that same jacket.

I opened up my umbrella and took to the streets, wanting to just get home and rest. Tyson's house was always a good option on days like this, for I would often find myself at the bar otherwise. At least at Tyson's house I could just crawl into bed after puking my brains out.

Always entertaining.

As I looked up around me I recognized the streets, the cars, and even the people. They were rustling about, not having a care in the world. My heart sped up a bit.

Was I here?

Was I not here?

Was this my reality?

Wasn't I just at my doctor's office?

The scene around me unfolded, and I felt as if I were stuck in a time where nobody else could hear or see me. People passed all around me, leaving me behind in some sort of fluid void that I couldn't help but get sucked into. I was alone, but surrounded by everyone.

I had always felt that way.

Even with my friends the only one I really connected to was Ray… because he felt the same way. We understood pain and sorrow… we understood loneliness.

Tyson.

That's what Tyson's going through.

I figured it out. Tyson… is lonely. He's so lonely… he wants to be there for others… but for the opposite role… I can only imagine how hard it must be for him to feel so alone and wanting to die.

I felt that way too.

These people… I've seen them before.

Here I go, rambling again. I should stick to one thought at a time. I really didn't remember waking up from the doctor's office. But here I was… and slowly I began to read the signs around me.

Coffee shop.

Bakery.

Restaurant.

I could read everything. I could smell and hear everything. I felt everything. My body was here, in this place. I was a part of this world that I created for myself, some world that chewed me up and spit me out.

From the brink of my mind I could feel my consciousness slipping, just like on that one particular day. Perhaps I had blocked out that memory from my mind and now filled the void with horrific hallucinations of dark sand and roaring oceans? I couldn't remember.

A scream from my left snapped me out of my thoughts and as my feet raced to take me over to where the sound emanated I had the strangest feeling that I had done this before.

"What happened?" I shouted, seeing a crowd of people gather.

A woman who was next to me cried aloud, holding her hands to her mouth trying to cover up from screaming.

"She's dead… she's been hit!"

She?

The car had skidded to a stop, and there was a lonely hand on the cobblestone, the fingers loosely holding onto the air.

She…

I breathed out, the car's lights finally fading and a woman rushing out from the driver's seat to try and gather the body.

"Someone call for help!"

I knew it was too late, I knew whoever this poor person was had already passed on. This was the same feeling I had all those nights ago.

Slowly I got down on my knees, the rain soaking my pants and making me wet but I didn't care. If I could give someone solace for their loss it would be worth my while.

I pulled on the hand softly, and then more roughly as the body struggled against me. With all my might I pulled and pulled, finally dragging the woman out from underneath the car. Visibility must have been low for this driver to not have seen the woman clad in a pink sweater and a plain tan skirt.

Suddenly my brain stopped.

Pink… sweater?

Pink was Julia's…

Soon I heard them all… I heard the shadows of the people around me cave into my ears. My world began to twist with sorrow and grief as I tried to get up and run, the body weighing me down heavily.

I pulled myself out from underneath and felt a cold hand grip my shoulder.

"She's gone now… we'll have to make the best of it."

I didn't care who said it, I didn't want to know. She was gone, and that was the only thing that mattered. She was wearing a pink sweater that day, and as I gazed upon the face of the dead woman I nearly lost my mind. I could feel my heart exploding out of my chest and grief rack my entire being.

Julia.

"Mr. Hiwatari!"

The voice snapped him out of his nightmare, Kai's eyes opening to see the doctor hiding behind his desk, cowering in fear. Kai shook his head lightly, feeling something heavy in his hands. His eyes glanced upward to see that he was gripping a chair, Kai letting go quickly and letting the chair fall to the ground.

Papers and books were lined all over the office, the doctor and two other unknown men emerging from their hiding spots to stare at him. Kai breathed out silently, murmuring.

"What happened?"

"You… you relapsed…"

His head was pounding, and soon his body felt weak and fragile. He wanted everything to go away. He could have sworn he had just gotten out of there.

His hand came up to his face and very slowly he counted his fingers. He counted to five once, and then five again, just to be sure.

This was no dream.

The office was quiet and Kai sat down upon the couch again, his eyes dimming as sleep threatened to overtake him in a fury of sudden tiredness.

The men spoke to the doctor quickly before leaving, shutting the door behind them. Kai could feel his heart slowly going back to the normal heart rate, never having been so worked up before.

He was beginning to believe he had a real problem.

"Mr. Hiwatari," the doctor stood up from behind the upturned desk, Kai swallowing at the knowledge that he was the one who wrecked the room. In his fit of rage and grief he had briefly forgotten where he was.

He was here, with the doctor.

The doctor continued to speak, telling him that Kai needed more serious help. Hallucinations and delusions were only part one of the problem, but his heart was another. Kai was a very emotional person, and if his heart were to ice over… he'd probably die.

He remembered waking up; he remembered walking down the stairs to his car; he remembered pulling into the driveway at Tyson's house where his friends awaited him for dinner. They had no idea where he'd been, or where he was going to be tomorrow. The darkness all around him grasped onto his heart, and slowly he turned off his car, watching as the night breeze settled a few snowflakes on his windshield. The car was warm, but he could feel the cold of the night seep into his forsaken heart.

Slowly, he counted to five.