She had texted him the very next morning, Kai waking up to the sweet sound of a melody that he could only describe as being her own.
What lay before him now he did not know, but knowing that at last he had found something that could possibly take all the nightmares away and make him feel human again was deep consolation to him.
How badly he had wanted to curl up into a ball and die night after night, shaking and trembling under his own weight because the demons within him surged and shouted at him, making him feel useless and irate.
Nightmare and hallucination after nightmare and hallucination, he had begun to feel as if the world were collapsing around him; his own existence futile in the mere presence of life. He had not found any sort of joy or happiness in the weeks that had followed Julia's demise, and neither did he find any sort of other emotion.
He was devoid of everything; he had lost all that made him human. His heart was merely an organ that pumped blood through his vessels and enabled his brain to function. At times he would curse at himself for allowing the happiness and allowing the emotions to make him human. This was all he ever knew for some period of time.
The period of time he could not remember, for days seemed to blend into weeks and weeks into months and months into years. He wasn't able to differentiate the days from the months, as everything passed before him as if he were shrouded in some thick fog that landed in his eyes and would not pass.
But then he had come back.
He had come back to Japan. He had come back to see his friends after years and years of hiatus. He had secluded himself to his desk and his organization and he had forgotten what happiness felt like. He had forgotten what feeling felt like, he had forgotten everything.
No sooner did he come back to Japan did he find her, did he find someone who shared in his sorrow, that shared in his insanity, and he would open himself up to her.
He would let everything go.
I wanted to tell her everything, but my mouth only found certain words and I'm positive she wanted to run away from me. When I got to her apartment the morning that she called I remembered waiting outside for her. I wanted to see her, because she was another person who shared in the same pain as I did.
We had holes in our hearts.
She had come out so excited and happy, and she scolded me a bit for leaving her car near the cemetery. Not as if I cared.
When I drove her to the grave site she kept quiet, not like Julia. There was something in her quietness that made my heart leap. There was something in the still that made me believe that with her I could find eternal peace and finally rid myself of the hatred I bore.
She glanced at me occasionally and I offered her something to drink on the way. Of course she refused but with a little coaxing I was able to convince her to allow me to buy her something.
She chose a small cup of hot chocolate, the same place that was near the cemetery that I first went to pick up my cup of coffee. She was still lighthearted and smiled everywhere she went, but sometimes when I gazed into her eyes I could sense the feeling of sadness and sorrow. She understood that pain came with little understanding. She knew what the world was like.
"Mathilda…. I have…"
"What is it Kai?"
"…. Julia died… and I…"
"You haven't been the same have you?"
"No, not at all."
"… What's the last thing you remember about her?"
"Her sweater."
"Is that it?"
"What else do I want to remember?"
"…. Something… about her eyes… or maybe even her lips…?"
"Nothing comes to mind…"
"… you see her don't you?"
"What?"
"In dreams and in visions… you see her… you see her staring at you with that pale look on her face… as if she was silently telling you that she was fighting a losing battle… that she carried more than the weight of the world on her shoulders… that she knew you couldn't fight with her."
"… Sounds like you've had experience."
"It's been a while since I dated. Especially after Miguel…"
"It's the same between us then. We've been through…."
"A lot."
"….. I don't suppose you still want to go to work today do you?"
"Not at all."
During that one day, while the snow was still fresh in the air, I took her to the local museum to see the wildlife. She had stated that she enjoyed getting her mind off of horrid things. I agreed with her completely.
We walked through the museum in no rush at all, Mathilda getting excited over the little weasels digging in the sand or even the little birds fluttering their colored wings at us. Her smile finally enabled my heart to melt slowly.
I could feel the presence of another person have an effect on me. I felt everything that was going on around me. I had learned to cope with the nightmares… and I had learned to live again.
Going through these stages of denial and depression took a toll on both of us… and as the days rolled on, I could sense that Mathilda was staying strong for me. I was trying to stay strong for her, but instead I found myself crying in her arms rather than the opposite.
I had to learn to be stronger.
No sooner did I figure that out that she collapsed on me, giving way to her fears and nightmares. She screamed and hollered and kicked and punched, and I came out with many more bruises than intended. Her face was matted with tears and I remember her screaming out Miguel's name one last time before her eyes rolled back in her head as her heart died down from the intensity. I could not be angry with her.
I did the same thing.
We woke up in cold sweats and we saw them everywhere; the ghosts of our pasts haunted us; never letting us be free. How I wished I could have just curled up and died.
She wished the same thing I suppose, as our mutual interest in the dark and lively gave us a connection that only we could understand. We stole gazes, glanced, and even touched a few times. Nothing was certain with us, the gashes of old wounds too loosely wound that the stitching broke easily at the sight of a pink sweater or a pair of red gloves.
Eventually we found ourselves never at our own places, but in an apartment I had rented out for the mere reason that I didn't want to smell Tyson all the time during the night.
We slept in the same bed, our arms seeming to find each other when we dreamt. Something about being together made our pain bearable, and soon we realized that being together made our mutual pain beautiful.
We lost, we cried, we held onto internal pain that dug into our souls and threatened to eat us alive. Our pain grew into something that we could hold close together, and we found more and more interests.
What Julia lacked she had, and what I lacked she had. She had the sweet compassion that seemed to elude me, and she had a spunk that Julia lacked in her fire. Slowly we began to move forward together, to push onwards.
Only a few days had passed, and I had not gone back to Tyson's house for any reason. After seeing what Max had done to him I did not want to get in his way. I remembered seeing his face and I seriously wondered if he was doing alright.
Mathilda had the same concerns for my friend, but we agreed that he had to live his life and he had to be able to handle things himself. After all, we both felt like we could see for the first time in all of our lives.
We had bonded over the days and grew to know one another. We slept together but apart, and neither she nor I touched each other without permission. She cooked and I continued to see my psychiatrist, though for what I do not recall.
The fog that had long been placed on my eyes was slowly fading away into a bright light that made me warm inside. A light so warm and tender that only gazing into Mathilda's eyes bought me to this light.
Soon, we began to hold hands.
Little things became huge to us; a simple flower in her hair would send her eyes sparkling; a little cookie would brighten her smile.
A new comb made my heart soar, and even fresh towels in the bathroom made me happy. We were growing closer and closer without us even realizing that our pain was subduing.
The agony of lost ones still lingered in our hearts, but the pain is what brought us together. Our pain made us realize how much we were truly missing out on life, and how much we needed to find someone else with that pain.
We began to feel human again.
We began to touch.
We began….
To love.
"Mathilda?"
"Yes?"
"There's… something I have to tell you."
"I'm listening."
"… I want… I want to… take you out…"
"Oh?"
"Someplace special… that you and I can…"
"That we can share… am I right?"
"Only us."
"There is a place… downtown… that I would love to go to…"
"Right near the water?"
"Yes. Right near there."
"I know… because I want to go there too…"
Everything passed as if days were just fleeting time; time had passed just like any fairy tale or dream…. And to me…
It was.