I remembered.
I wore that hat every day after that.
"Do you want to know how to do it?"
He was always there for me.
He listened, and he spoke.
He always said kind things.
Little dewdrops of water splashed in my eyes.
He used to play with me a lot.
We used to swing together, he used to push me.
We would trod upon golden sand
We would run everywhere.
His eyes were always sparkling.
"I'm going now."
I dreaded those words most of all.
Of all the things you did,
Of every word you ever said,
Of every moment you ever had with me,
We.
That hurt most.
"You're my little brother, I'd never leave you."
I used to believe you.
I used to want to do everything with you.
I used to look up to you.
Who are you now?
Who are you, brother?
Your eyes,
Your hair,
Your scent,
Nothing is familiar anymore.
Your strong build,
Your piercing eyes,
Your strong gaze,
That's all I want to remember.
That's all I can remember.
Who are you,
Hiro?
You screamed my name,
You cried with me.
You yelled at me,
We had our fights,
And yet you still loved me.
You were there,
When they weren't.
Dad was gone,
Mom has been gone forever,
And now
The person we shared
Has been lost.
But where were you?
Who are you,
Older brother?
Seeing you there,
On that couch so sullen and broken,
A bird without wings,
A flower without petals,
Small fragments of crystal,
My eyes only barely traced you out.
You seemed so big back then.
You always seemed to know
Everything.
Where did you
Fall apart?
Where did you
Cease to want to live?
What happened to you,
Hiro?
Hiro
My brother
Hiro
The person who I know you are
Hiro
The person I am convinced I see
Hiro
Still inside you
Hiro
You are not to blame
Hiro.
I was so angry
I was so hurt
I had forgotten what you taught me
I had forgotten that you once
Looked at me angry too
That once you
Were hurt by my words too
That you
Had lost someone too.
You were hurting
Just as much as I was.
You were swallowed up
In that sea of darkness
Just as much as I was
You knew my pain
And yet
I could not understand
Yours.
I see you now
I didn't know who you were
I didn't know where you had gone
I was so worried
Everything I wanted to say to you
Everything I wanted to yell at you for
I wanted to hit you so hard
But when I got that chance
It didn't seem to fill that
Empty hole you left
In my heart.
You're here now
You're with me
You're in my room
You're sleeping in the room next to me
You're making breakfast,
You're drinking water and laughing.
You've stopped smoking,
Your breath smells fresh again,
Your clothes are new,
You smile.
Hiro,
I missed you.
I missed my older brother
I missed my friend
I missed
You.
Hiro.