Hey guys. This isn't really a chapter. I decided to write my feelings today. What do you think? I don't need any reviews its fine. I just had to write this. This is what keeps me alive :)
I hate this. I hate how you care. I hate it. Its dumb and I cant handle it. I don't even know why but I freak out every time you say something nice. I cant help it.
im like this because of everyone around me. no one even cares that I am falling into a pit of despair right before their very eyes. no I do not cry because I am sad.
I cry because I cannot see why you care. im falling and im losing air so fast right now its not even funny. I cant help but hate myself for what I have become.
you don't understand what this is. what I am who I am is not even human anymore. I want to kill myself but I have no courage to do so. I cant even stop it from happening to me.
I don't even understand what im doing anymore. every time I see you, I pause and think about how you could care for someone like me. I think I have depression.
I don't even know anymore. I cant stop the thoughts running through my head. sometimes I think about what life would be like if I was dead.
would everyone I met be happier? now that im gone? I honestly don't care anymore. I love my mom and even though I don't act like it I do.
im just afraid that she will hurt me again, call me dramatic for saying things like this. she hates me and I know it. so does my sister. she hates me.
like really hates me and I cant help but see that maybe if I went away she would be happier. the real me? I don't even know who that is anymore.
who is that girl standing there. so I really care when I say I do? or am I lying. I cant even tell the real from the fake anymore.
what am I? am I even human? I cant even tell anymore. im trying to run away as fast as I can because this is hard for me.
this is hard for me to take some one as amazing and sweet as you caring for a creature like me. its making me go insane.
I cant cry anymore because im supposed to be the strong one, the one that helps others. who told me that again? oh yeah. everyone in my life.
you cant cry. its a lie I promise you have to be the strong one. helping others is what I do. I have so many walls its not even funny.
you think the outside of me is crazy? the small part I have shown you? the inside of me is a deep dark place that cant be reached at all.
im trying to pull out of the darkness I swear its true. I freaking out right now. im having a heart attack. I think dying would be fun.
what would you think if I told you that? I can't think straight. in my heart is a little girl, crying crying all alone scared out of her mind.
I don't have the courage to kill myself so don't worry. i'll still be here suffering in this world that hate, something that cause me to feel sick to my stomach.
how did I end up this way? how do I survive through every day? I cant make it unless I have music. music is my drug and the one thing keeping me some what sane.
there are things I don't understand. why did my dad have to move here and meet his new girlfriend? why does my moim hit me?
why am I the only one suffering? my sister wont say a thing about it. she wont talk about it so I have to suffer alone. I hate this.
I hate all of it but I cant stop it because I don't have the power. I have no power what so ever. I have nothing in this world so I will suffer alone and I cant stop the pain because im going insane and I don't even care anymore.
let me talk with all my fancy words that no one sees and no one's heard I cant escape the devil now hes pulling me in. Im gonna die hopefully soon.
why was it me and why was I made this way? why do I use my words this way? what is wrong with me? I cant help but feel like im falling.
Im falling off the edge of a huge cliff. At the bottom is a huge dark pit and I keep falling and falling and falling. I cant stop the pain.
Its really starting to drive me insane. Im alone in the house or on the computer but it doesn't matter. im alone. im forever alone.
I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I cant escape unless I go off to school. I need to get out of this dumb state. I need to leave.
I need a break from all the pain. I really need a hug right now. I cant tell you why. you know why I hate being touched?
because im afraid you're all going to hurt me. just like her. just like my mother. I don't want that. I don't want to be like her.
its harder than it looks to live in the same house as her. I hate it. I stay alone with the music that is slowly killing me, though I think its giving me peace.
its not good for me and it makes it hard for me to breathe. why do I do it? because I think that maybe one of these times I will die in my sleep.
maybe my heart will race too fast and then i'll die, so I wont have to hurt anyone anymore. I hate it so I run. I fake my smiles and my attitude so that you'll leave.
you really want to know me? no that's what I thought. you're making me think these stupid thoughts. Can I write? really this is how I use my words?
Is this the way I wanted it to be? No not really. I can never be truly happy. that's what I always think to myself. maybe today my life will end.
Maybe today the pain will end...