Three in One Fic (To Say Nothing of the Dog)

At this point in Sarah's life, a venn diagram of the things she didn't much expect to happen and the things that had happened would be a circle. Frankly, she'd stopped being surprised after the linguini incident, which is why she didn't even blink when Jareth casually dropped the question one day.

"Sarah?"

The woman glanced up to see a pair of mismatched eyes gazing soulfully into her own. They sparkled like a pair of jewels that had been recently sprayed with a hose. She went back to sorting through her mail.

"Yes, Jareth?"

"My love? My precious?"

"Yeah?"

"The diamond of my life? The crown jewel of my existence?"

"Uh..."

"My queen, my ladylove, my one and only in this world?"

"What?!"

"Would you marry me?"

A pause, punctuated with Sarah's suspicious glare and and a lot of questioning hand motions.

"Tax benefits," Jareth said as a way of explanation.

"Those aren't due for at least two more months."

"Early bird gets the worm."

"Oh, what the hell, let's tie the knot!"

"My life has been made, my heart healed! Let us gallivant into the sunset on the wings of lawful tax evasions!"

"And I will have a giant puffy ballgown, and my hair will look like it weighs at least thirty pounds with all the trinkets I'll stuff in it, like someone's familial spoon!"

"And I will have a suit of sapphires! We'll get married in Venice and honeymoon back in the old country."

"That's a little bit unrealistic. I mean, you work at least five jobs and I'm an actress."

"You take all the fun out of things."

"I know. I thrive off of telling children that Santa's not real."

"You cruel monster, crushing all those hopes and dreams..."

"Thanks. But all joking aside, we're not getting married."

"Damn."

"Also, the Easter Bunny is actually Satan."

"Excuse me?"

xxx

"Hey, Jareth, I need to go pick up a- Oh my God."

"No, not God, but close."

"What... is that?"

"This little thing? Just something I pulled out from the depths of my closet."

Sarah stared at the knit one piece, with stripes and waves and designs all over. The whole thing covered him from arms to left leg and looked like Picasso had decided to have a go at Charlie Brown's sweater and got distracted.

Furthermore, the man was doing yoga. On her living room floor. Sarah didn't know that that sort of compromising position was physically possible. Jareth lifted his right leg, bare of the jumpsuit, even further above his head. Ok. Ok. Definitely physically possible.

"Impressed?"

Sarah looked down to see the man smirking at her.

"Um..." she cleared her throat, feeling herself blush a little as he rearranged himself into a Downwards Dog, "Yes. Very. I'm leaving now. Would like to leave?"

"Are you inviting me to go with you to wherever it is you're going?"

Sarah stared.

"Precious, my eyes are down here."

"No. Yes. If you change. Please change."

Jareth snorted, uncurling himself and gracefully rising to his feet, "You youngsters just don't get true fashion."

"You're the same age as me!" Sarah yelled as Jareth waltzed out the door.

"How old are you?" the man hollered from the other side of the hall.

"Twenty six!"

"I'm five years older than you!"

"What?!"

"I age well, don't I?"

Sarah tried to come up with a witty come back Miraculously, someone else saved her the trouble and embarrassment.

"Cradle robber!" screeched an old female voice.

"Thank you for your input, Mrs. Beckley, go talk to your cats!" Jareth yelled back.

"You're going to Hell!"

"I know, Mrs. Beckley! That's where all the good music is!"

xxx

The entire car ride, Jareth sulked. Mainly, this was because Sarah had made him change at least three times. The man went from clown to geisha to evil overlord of all that can be seen to something that looked a little more normal. Granted, he still looked insane and regal and very very strange, but in a way that wouldn't get him mugged in the first dark alley. And if Sarah hadn't found that in itself hilarious, the fact that the closer they got to the destination, the more panicky Jareth got was the funniest thing she'd seen all day.

"Sarah, where are we going?"

Silence.

"Sarah."

"Sarah, this neighborhood looks familiar."

"Sarah..."

"Sarah, I will count to three."

The actress grinned and made a right.

"One. Two. Three. Where the fuck are we?"

Sarah stopped the car.

"Oh, no. No no no. This is-"

Paying no attention to the eccentric in the passenger's seat, Sarah got out of the car and started walking, forcing Jareth to scramble out of the car before the lock clicked shut.

"I demand we turn back at once!"

"Sorry, your highness! You're the one that wanted to come."

"Not here! Damn it, slow down! I'm wearing heals!"

"I've seen you dance in ones higher than that, you can catch up," Sarah said, halting in front of a dainty little townhouse.

"And yet you stop!"

"Well of course," she said, "We're here."

Jareth sighed and put on his bitchiest face, "What are we doing here, anyways?"

Sarah just smiled and knocked on the door.

A small racket came from the other side and after a few long moments, the door finally swung open, revealing an angry looking dwarf.

"Took ya long enough," he growled, wiping something wet off of his face.

"Sorry, Hoggle," Sarah said, "May we come in?"

"We? Oh. It's you."

"Hello, Hogwart."

"Hoggle."

"Whatever."

Sarah rolled her eyes and stepped inside, tossing her coat onto a chair, "Where is he?"

"Locked in the bedroom," muttered Hoggle, "What did you bring him along for?"

"We're neighbors," said Jareth sweetly.

"We're dating," corrected Sarah, shooting him a glare.

Hoggle raised an eyebrow, "So which one is it?"

"Both," chorused the two visitors.

The dwarf snorted, "Bullshit."

"Think what you want," shrugged Jareth, walking across the living room to inspect a huge red vase in a corner, "What is this thing? You've redecorated. It's disgusting."

Hoggle glared, "That was my grandmother's!"

"Your grandmother's what? Urn? She's not still inside, is she?"

"You-"

"Boys," called Sarah, "Save the pissing contest for later. If your goal is to get on Santa's naughty list, do I have some bad news for you."

Jareth sighed and looked down at Hoggle, "Was she always like this?"

"Not until the middle of freshman year," said Hoggle, "Ask her about it. She tells it better."

"Oh, shut up and just get the dog," said Sarah amicably.

Jareth turned to stare at her.

"Dog?" he said.

Hoggle grinned, "Oh, yes, Jareth. Dog. Let me go get him right now, actually. You two talk."

Jareth heaved a sigh and the two of them stood in utter silence for about a minute, simply looking around the room.

"You're right," said Sarah, sitting down on what appeared to be a bedazzled armchair.

"Really? About what?"

"He redecorated. And it's terrible."

"Absolutely horrid."

"I know. Right up your alley."

"Sarah!"

xxx

"Hello," crooned Sarah, "I haven't seen you in a while. Oh, look how cute you are!"

"Hoggle," said Jareth, looking utterly disgusted, "What is that thing sitting at your feet?"

"What? That? Oh, that. That's Ludo."

"He's at least three times bigger than you. How do you keep him?"

"He used to be smaller," Sarah said, cuddling the giant, red, dog to her chest, "He' just grown a little, haven't you, Ludo?"

The dog made an appreciative wailing sound. Jareth looked scared and a little concerned.

"Will anyone," he said, "Explain to me exactly what is going on here?"

"Hoggle's going off to visit his family and I've offered to dog sit."

Jareth stared at the goliath dog. The animal cocked his head and gave him a lopsided smile.

"Bloody fucking Jesus in a miniskirt."

Author's Note:

Took me a bit, but here it is. The title's a rip off of Three Men In a Boat (To Say Nothing of the Dog) and a bad one at that, but it works for what I wanted to do here. The actual chapter title is messed up because of the character count, so I wrote it out at the top for full effect. Yeah.

Tune in next time to find out exactly how Jareth and Ludo get along and why is Sarah not quite as naive as her canon counterpart! Questions, comments, and concerns are appreciated.