Chapter Sixteen

Adam waited while Elias walked back and forth gathering his thoughts. Then he stopped.

"I want to apologize, Adam—though I know that's not enough. I honestly thought you were good as dead—that's why I left you and stole your money. Rachel says that's no excuse, that there's no excuse for leaving a man to die. She's shamed me repeatedly and barely speaks to me for what I've done. I don't know that she'll ever forgive me but I've tried to make up for it in little ways. I didn't spend any of your money…although I probably would have if Rachel hadn't disallowed it but I'm truly sorry for what I've done to you. I don't know that I'm a better man for it—probably not. You know how men, no matter how much they try, always slip back into who they were because that's who they are. But for Sonny's sake, I'm going to try.

Rachel asked me what Sonny would think of me had he known, well, had he known that when I left you, you were still breathing. I'm afraid what he would think. I know what Rachel thinks of me—she's told me and said she's ashamed to be my wife, ashamed of me. I guess I'll have to live with that.

Anyway, that's what I've come to say…and to invite you to the table tonight. If you'd break bread with me, well, I would consider it an honor. You've been helpful and honest and I repaid you by leaving you when you'd been shot." Elias swallowed deeply and averted his eyes. "Well, that's all I have to say."

Elias turned and walked out leaving Adam to deal with his own conscience.

He sat, his heart quickening and his breath was rough.

I've lusted after his wife, lay with his wife and now I want to take her away with me. Why do I think I'm any better than Elias is? I'm not. The man gave me shelter, fed me and I dishonored him in his own house. And I'd sleep with Rachel again, pull her down to me to feel her lips on mine and to take her, to have her…oh, I ache for her. There's no repentance. What does Claudius say in Hamlet about praying for forgiveness? Think, get your mind going, boy. You've been stagnant too long. Think…Claudius says…'Words without thoughts never to heaven go'. I'm not sorry so I can't find forgiveness from man or God. And Rachel is Elias' wife and I've shamed her in their house. I should have turned her away when she came to me but I didn't want to. I needed her but I damned her soul along with mine? 'Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife. Thou shalt not commit adultery'. Oh, Rachel, what have I done? What have I done to you?

Rachel came into the bedroom. "Elias said that he invited you to the table. I don't see why you can't join us…unless you'd rather not."

"I'd like to," Adam said. "If you don't mind my smell and the way I look."

Rachel smiled. "You look just fine. A bit too thin but fine. Let me help you." Rachel moved to hold the rocking chair still while Adam rose to his feet. He stood for a few seconds catching his breath.

"I'm huffing as if I just ran five miles." He smiled at Rachel and wanted to talk to her but this wasn't the time. Since he was awake more of the day, she spent little time with him and the few times he tried to talk to her, she made an excuse to leave quickly. Just that morning after she had helped him to the chair and then brought him his coffee Adam reached out for her. She turned but he didn't release her.

"Please, Mr. Cartwright, I imagine you might get lonely here all day with just books to read and looking out that window must get dull, but I have work to do. I've neglected my garden. I mean I replanted what I could and the plants have done much better than I had hoped. And then there are the cows…oh, and I want to make some buttermilk for you. Do you like buttermilk?"

"Yes, I like buttermilk but I want to talk to you—please, Rachel. As soon as I'm well enough to travel, I'll be leaving. I'd like to take you with me, take you away from here. We could take Sonny with us but I can't leave you here. Elias…he doesn't treasure you, doesn't realize how lucky he is to have you and I know you don't love me but nonetheless, you should leave. You can start a new life with me or go further west. I'll help you." He searched her face but she quickly looked away.

"Please, I have work to do. Please, Mr. Cartwright." Her voice was soft and Adam thought he heard a sob in her voice so he let her go and Rachel left, not to return until later with a glass of buttermilk and biscuits and bacon for lunch-and now she returned to ask him to join them. So Adam slowly walked out into the parlor and then to the dining area where she had already laid a place for him and he sat and joined the Fell family in saying grace for the food they were about to receive.

Within another week, Adam felt well enough to leave. He had returned to his back room to pack up his few belongings in his saddle bags. Rachel had washed his clothes while he was ill and as he improved, Rachel gave him the same shirt and pants that he had worn before, Danny's clothes so that he could sit out back and walk a bit about the yard. She had told him, when he seemed reluctant to take the clothes, that it was fine.

"Elias dasn't say anything," Rachel had said so Adam took the clothes and sat on the edge of the bed to dress. But now he was back to wearing the clothes he had worn when he arrived as Rachel had even darned the hole from the bullet.

"Mr. Cartwright," Elias said as he stood at the room's door. "Sonny and me'll be waiting in the buckboard for you. I want to tell you again, thank you for giving Sonny the Appaloosa. I'll see he takes care of it properly. Best we hurry or you'll miss that stage."

Adam nodded and Elias left. Adam leaned against the wall. He still became short of breath on exertion but the last time the doctor had been out, after listening to Adam's heart and lungs, the doctor had said that it sounded much improved form two weeks ago. "Give it time and you'll be as good as new," the doctor had said smiling, taking the dollar Adam had pressed on him. "I don't think I'll have to visit again and to answer your earlier query, I think you're fine to travel. Good luck, Mr. Cartwright."

Rachel told Adam that the sheriff had come out twice before Adam regained consciousness. Elias had told the sheriff that Truck's men—at least one of them, had shot Adam Cartwright. The doctor had taken the bullet he had removed from Adam's back and handed it over to the sheriff; it was a common gauge for a rifle, one that most ranch hands used, even Elias. Nevertheless, the sheriff went out to Jeb Truck's but since Elias could give no description of the shooter, the shot having been fired from long-range, and no one volunteered any knowledge of the shooting, there wasn't much the sheriff could do but leave Jeb Truck with a warning about dire consequences if there was any more violence. The sheriff had then returned to the Fell's one more time after Adam was alert; Adam confirmed that it was an unknown shooter.

"Elias Fell and I were repairing line when someone shot me from behind. It had to come from Truck's property. I heard Elias exchange a few shots but as to who it was who shot me, I couldn't say."

"That's a shame. I wish there was more I could do, Mr. Cartwright but I can't go and throw Jeb Truck and all his men in jail and hope that someone fesses up to the shooting." Adam said he understood.

In the back room, Adam looked around at the familiar shelves and his eyes fell on the crock that held Rachel's locket and the love letters from her lost love. He pulled fifty dollars out of his pocket and dropped it in the crock. He knew that Rachel would be surprised when she found it and she would know it was from him. Adam buckled his saddlebags and threw them over his shoulder. He turned to see Rachel standing in the kitchen.

"I'm glad you're well enough to travel home; I imagine your family will be glad to see you again. But I will miss you."

"Rachel, leave with me. Each time I ask you, you manage to change the subject. I know that you'll be a wealthy woman—Elias showed me his copy of the geologist's report-but do you want to stay here with Elias? Ride into town with us—you don't need to say anything until we're there, and then leave with me. You don't need to pack a bag—I'll buy you whatever you need. Just come with me."

"Adam, I'm…I'm pleased you want me to go with you, but I can't. I won't leave Sonny; I love the boy."

"Bring him along."

Rachel smiled gently. "Sonny loves his father and Elias loves him; he's a good father to Sonny. I would never take Sonny from his father and I don't think Sonny would go and it would hurt him to have me leave—he would think it was his fault. As for Elias, we don't love one another, that's true; we tolerate each other but I believe that things will be different now. Elias isn't an evil man, he's a bitter man who feels as if life cheated him. And maybe one day, after Sonny is old enough, I'll take what's mine and leave."

"Why wait until then? Come with me now, Rachel. We…"

Rachel put her fingers lightly on his lips. "I did wrong. I was lonely and you, well, you're so decent and good…I just wanted to spend one time in your arms. But you don't love me, Adam."

"Rachel…" Adam sighed. "I know what I'm like, the kind of man I am, and I'm not particularly decent and good; if I were, well, I never would have taken another man's wife. I'm not proud of myself but then I suppose I'm a lonely man who needed a woman. But you, Rachel, you are good and decent and I do love you, maybe not as much as you think I need to for you to leave, but I do. Are you sure you won't come with me?"

"I'm sure, Adam." She reached up and caressed his cheek and Adam took her in his arms one last time and kissed her—her mouth, her cheek, her neck.

"Oh, Rachel." Adam held her next to him but she pulled away.

"You best hurry. You know what an impatient man Elias is." She turned her head so she wouldn't meet Adam's eyes; she couldn't bear to see him actually leave. Rachel heard Adam's footsteps as he walked through the house and out the front. Then she heard Sonny's voice.

"C'mon, Mr. Cartwright. Come sit up front." Rachel heard Adam's voice and then, after a few seconds, she heard the sound of the buckboard leaving. She touched her mouth where his lips had pressed on hers. He was on his way home to his family where he belonged but not her, she thought. She didn't belong there; her place was here. Rachel walked over to the stone crock on the shelf, lifted the lid and felt around. She pulled out what felt like paper and saw the money Adam had left. She stared at the bills; he had left it for her to find. He was still watching out for her. She quickly put the bills back and felt around until she touched the locket. She pulled it out and stared at it, running her thumb over the front incised decoration of a fleur de lis. She opened the locket and inside was a shiny lock of black hair tied together with a bit of blue grosgrain ribbon. Rachel touched it and recalled when she had gently cut it from Adam's head as he lay sleeping on his sickbed. Rachel sighed and closed the locket and replaced it in the crock. She knew she had to continue with life after he was gone—after all that had happened, life had to go on. And Rachel bent down to pick up the blankets on which Adam Cartwright had slept, buried her face in them and smelled his skin and his warmth and she cried.

~ Finis ~