I walk down to the dining hall Rushton stumbling along behind me, slowly pulling himself together. In truth I am almost as shaken as he. I am worried about what he has told me; his dreams were too close to the truth of my quest for comfort, and the voice... it sounds like Atthis is meddling again. But there is more to it than that. I think back to my own dreams the night before.
Going to bed I felt tired and out of sorts, it had been one of those days again. They had been coming more often recently. Days when I felt the knowledge of my approaching quest coming between me and those I love, cutting me off, separating me until I see the world through glass walls. At the same time, I am in a frenzy. Needing to finish everything while I can; and imprinting people, places, sights, sounds and smells in my memory, storing them up for when I must leave. That time is coming closer, it will not be long now. And as much as I resist, much as I cling to what I have, I am looking forward to finally getting it over and done with, finally finishing what I set out to do, so long ago. I realise again the truth of the saying, 'The waiting is worse than the battle'. Gradually, my whirling thoughts slow, my mind sinking into sleep.
I heave the saddle onto on to Gahltha's back then bend to tighten the girth. I am filled with nervous energy, anxious to be gone before I change my mind, yet reluctant to take the final step. "Have you said goodbye to Avra yet?" I enquire.
Yes, he sends, but I/Gahltha carry ElspethInnel only the first stage of her journey and will return before I sleep the longsleep. But you/ElspethInnel havenot told/farewelled Ruston/mate.
I sigh. "No, no-one knows about this journey and my quest, apart from the futuretellers and they're not saying anything. Oh, most of them know I'm off on another trip, but they have no idea what it actually means or where it will end. Besides, who would question the legendary Farseeker Guildmistress, hero of a dozen expeditions?" I give a bitter laugh. "As for Rushton, he doesn't know even that much. I couldn't bear to tell him that after everything we've been through it's over and I have to leave him. I was afraid that if I saw him again, if he looked at me and knew, I wouldn't be able to make myself go. Better if I just disappear." I grab the saddlebags and start buckling them on, suddenly afraid that someone will come.
"Elspeth!"
A terribly familiar voice calls my name and I look over my shoulder, feeling caught. It is Rushton. Turning back, I fight to control myself. I should have known that I could not leave without seeing him one last time, should have known he would find out.
"So, Javo was telling the truth when he said you were preparing for a long journey. You know the restrictions on Guildmistresses and masters travelling, not to mention the usual expedition rules. Why was guildmerge not consulted?"
I stiffen at his tone, my knuckles whitening as I grip the strap in my hand. Slowly, deliberately, I feed it through the buckle then turn to face him. "My journey is of a private nature and no concern of guildmerge's." My voice is cool, controlled, yet inside I am anything but calm. Part of me is crying out to him to leave me, let me go, while another is aching for him to hold me close forever; and a small voice is laughing at the irony of calling my quest private when the whole world is at stake.
"Your Guildmistress armband. You're not wearing it."
My mind freezes in surprise; of all the things for him to say... I tell him the simple truth. "No, it is with Ceirwan."
"Why does hehave it?" His voice is full of suspicion, with a hint of something more.
"I gave it to him. He knows what must be done." As my guilden it is appropriate that Ceirwan be Guildmaster until they can arrange otherwise. I smile slightly, of all the humans at Obernewtyn, other than some of the futuretellers, he is the only one who may have guessed some of what I plan. He knows me so well, better even than Rushton or Dameon, and there were certain things he needed to be told.
"You've never left it behind on past expeditions."
"No, but this time I cannot take it. It is time I gave it up." Why is he so insistent about what is really just a simple armband, whatever it signifies? Or is it just an excuse, is he trying to say something more?
"But the position of Guildmistress is for life, or at least requires a full guildmerge."
"Yes. I made sure you were unavailable at the time. I knew that you would try to stop me." I remember that meeting. I said I was tired of the responsibility, that I wanted time for my own projects, all true if not how they thought. They were reluctant to agree, particularly with Rushton away. I'm not sure if they believed my story but I convinced them, just. I could have simply left, let them deal with it, but I wanted to do things properly. Another form of saying goodbye.
"That first winter, when you gave Daffyd your armband, I thought, we all thought..."
"Yes." Now I see what he was getting at. He is remembering the ruins expedition. A journey to ruins and ending in ruins. It was on that journey that Pavo died of rotting sickness, Jik died in the firestorm and Domick left to spy in the Councilcourt, ultimately leading him to destruction and death. About the only thing that went right was rescuing Dragon, and even then she might have been better off without us. But this is not what Rushton is remembering. He is remembering me, left for dead with infected feet, then returning from the high mountains in time to save Obernewtyn from the soldierguards.
"But you survived, you came back."
"Yes." My voice is flat, cold. Yes, my miracle return that I can never forget. I laugh inside. Miracle, they have no idea how true that is. I played down the severity of my infection, made out that it was better than they thought. Only I know the complete truth; I was dying. That was why I gave Daffyd the armband. Not only so they would believe his message, but so they would know that I was no more. If not for the intervention of the Agyllians I would be dead. They were the true miracle. Yet others don't know that. They see my other escapes and think that I am different, special. That is what Rushton sees now, the fact that every time he has thought I have died, I have returned. This time, I cannot let him hold onto that hope. He will waste his life waiting in vain, better to end it now and let him move on.
"I will come with you. Give me long enough to get some things together and I'll come with you. I can't lose you again."
I stare at him in surprise. He would do that, give up his home, his friends, everything he has worked for, to come with me into the unknown. I long to accept, to have my love with me on my final journey, but it cannot be. "No, Rushton." I shake my head, my voice gentle. "Obernewtyn needs you. The time has come and I must do this alone." He opens his mouth to say something more but I cannot bear it any longer. I leap onto Gahltha's back and we gallop off; towards the mountains, towards my destiny. He stands there staring after me, a lone figure by the empty stable. As we reach the trees I hear him call, a single word lost in the wind, yet it strikes me like an arrow to the heart. Tears streaming down my cheeks, the shadows fold around us and I send my mind back to him, a final gift. Farewell, Rushton-love.
I am sitting on a stone bench in a little copse of trees next to the maze. The air is warm and filled with the scent of a flowering rosebush. I lean against Rushton beside me, resting my head on his shoulder, as we savour this brief moment freedom from our duties. I look up and see Maruman, dozing on a low branch in the sun. I smile fondly; he has just come out of another of his bouts of madness and needs all the rest he can get. I follow his example and close my eyes, relaxing in the combined warmth of the sun and Rushton.
Enjoying yourself? Maruman's scathing mindvoice breaks into my thoughts, as always slipping through my shields as though they don't exist. Stupid funga, why are you tying yourself close to Rushton/mate now when you know you must leave him; the time of your quest is almost upon you. Would you have Ruston/mate follow you to the blacklands? Tagging/following along, distracting you with fear/worries and grief/pain when he falls into the longsleep. This is your/ElspethInnel's quest alone, and dangerous; not a sightseeing tour for stupid lovesick funga! Youmust leave him so why make it harder for both of you? End/finish it now; push him away and you can both get on with your separate tasks!
I pull myself upright and glare at him. "Enough, Maruman!" The one time in days I have been able to relax completely, forget about my responsibilities to Obernewtyn and my quest, he has to come along and ruin things. "I will leave when I must, but until then I will enjoy what I have." He just grins at me and walks away, seeming pleased to have broken my peace. A chill passes through me as I remember his words. Perhaps it is as well that he interrupted me; when the call comes for me to leave I must go without a second thought. My quest is too important for personal feelings.
I jump slightly as Rushton reaches out to pull me back against him, his expression curious. "What was that all about?"
"Just Maruman being annoying, as usual." I thank Lud that Rushton of all people is not a beastspeaker and I am able to hide the truth. He frowns slightly and I realise with a shock that while Maruman beastspoke me, I replied aloud; perfectly understandable. "Talking about annoying, we really need to look at better ways of managing Obernewtyn's increasing population at the next guildmerge meeting..." Words pour out of me as I try to distract Rushton, keep him from realising that one crucial word I have never dared to say to him. He smiles and nods as I babble on, but his mind is obviously elsewhere.
A look of shock crosses his face and he turns to grab my shoulders, cutting me off mid-word. I have no idea what I was just saying. "When must you leave? Why?" I wince inwardly at his tone; the hurt, accusation and fear. I wonder if he has latent futuretelling talent, the way in which he instinctively understands the nature of my journey.
I cannot answer his questions now. I need time to prepare; to plan for his objections and denials, and to strengthen my own resolve. Cool drops land on my skin and I pull away, walking back towards the house; Rushton still sitting there, oblivious to his surrounds. I call back to him gently, "Come, it is starting to rain." And the rain falls, drawing a curtain of grey around us.
The sound of water dripping on stone fills the silent air as I look around. I know this tunnel. How could I not; it has haunted my dreams for years. I pear into the darkness ahead for the flashing light from my previous dreams, but the only illumination comes from the candle in my hand. There appears to be a bend ahead and I walk forward peering around the corner. The tunnel is unchanged and I continue along it, the wet slap of my footsteps echoing endlessly against the stone.
Suddenly I listen closer, careful to keep my pace the same. The echo has changed, doubled, a counter-rhythm faster and louder than my own. I shiver slightly as I remember that while the light is not always in my dream tunnel, Ariel is. Never before has he come running after me, always appearing before me, but never before have I moved so far. The echoes build to a crescendo and I spin to face him as he rounds the corner, determined to get some answers this time.
"Why do you keep...?" I trail off, my eyes widening in surprise. It is not the palely beautiful Ariel panting before me but another young man, equally familiar but different in every way. I speak before I have a chance to think. "Rushton? What are you doing here?"
He looks around, eyes suddenly filled with confusion. "I... I don't know. Following you. Where are we?" I stare at him with the same confused expression he gives me. A sudden thought strikes me and I gasp.
"You have to go back. You can't come here, it isn't safe." If, as I suspect, this tunnel is part of my quest, who knows what dangers there are for him here. And even if it is just a dream, Ariel is sure to turn up and I will not, can not, let him get his hands on Rushton again; even in a dream.
"But you're here," he points out, his voice calm and reasonable, "why can't I come too?" It takes me a moment to work out what he means then my heart freezes. He does not know what he is asking, does not know that he is asking to join a quest likely leading to my death, yet something in his voice tells me that he would ask even if he knew. How I long to accept him! To finally reveal to him my deepest self and have his strength and love beside me at the end. But it can not be. Besides, what help could he give me, really? Better that he stay and continue what we have started at Obernewtyn. I shake my head sadly, knowing what must be said even though it spells the end of us.
"Rushton, you have a duty to Obernewtyn. My duty lies elsewhere." Abruptly, the fading echoes resolve into more footsteps; coming closer. My heart pounds and I know that the one I have been waiting for has arrived. Ariel has come. Rushton shifts beside me and I turn to him in panic.
"You must go! Now, before he sees you!" Then I do something I have never done before and push, flinging his mind away from me and out of my dream. He begins to fade, an expression of surprise filling his face. As he fades from view I whisper three words to him, words I have never quite said, words I have been too afraid to admit. I love you.
Rushton is gone and I turn to confront the pale figure of Ariel emerging from the darkness. I watch him warily as he approaches, needing to know why he keeps following me here. His face shows a pleasant smile and for a moment I wonder if I have misjudged him. Then I look into his clear, blue eyes and am swamped by a sense of insatiable hunger and cold, calculating rage, strong enough to be felt even without empathy. I recoil from him, searching for a way to escape yet knowing that there is nowhere to run. A faint tug pulls me backwards and I feel the tunnel fading. Ariel stares at me, his smile turning to surprise then anger. He steps towards, fists clenched, and I close my eyes, surrendering to the pull, allowing it to draw me away.
The blacklands stretch away from me on all sides, only in the very distance bounded by the white capped peaks of the high mountains. Strange fumes rise from cracks in the dead black ground while the sky arches faded blue and untouchable high above me. I continue trudging forward, the strange surface of the Beforetime blackroad crunching beneath my feet as it leads me on towards the horizon. I bless the fates that I have the road; even with its protection my strength is steadily draining from me as my body struggles to heal me of the poisons. Already my feet are numb, time turning backwards.
"Elspeth, come back!" A thin, high call reaches my ears as though borne on a nonexistent breeze, pulling me to face the mountains behind. I send out a mindprobe, struggling against the miasma of blackland poisons, searching for the one who called with the strength to reach me. My probe connects and I gasp; the connection is as strong as though he was standing before me. He repeats the call and I struggle, fighting the suppressed emotions roused by his plea. I want to go back, want to forget about my quest and have him hold me in his arms; but it is too late now.
"I can't, Rushton. This is too important." The story of my life. Everything sacrificed for the sake of the world.
"Then let me come with you." He reaches towards me, unconsciously stepping dangerously close to the edge of the cliff on which he stands. His eyes are filled with love and hope.
"No!" Panic fills me. He is so close to the edge! And if he reaches the blacklands he does not have the protection of the road and healing. He will die before he can reach me, face and body twisted by poisons and rotting sickness. "I can't loose you and if you come, you will die. This is my fate, alone."
I can not let him try. I break away, forcing myself into a stumbling run along the road, needing to escape him. My strength is fading rapidly, sapped by poisons, healing, probe and fear. I fall and do not have the strength to rise. I close my eyes and, for a while, let the blackness take me.
Green, leafy walls surround me; the pungent scent and dulled feeling in my mind telling me that I am in the greenthorn maze. I look for the makers showing the path through to the farms, but there are none in sight. Fighting down panic, I take a deep breath. I can't be too far from the path and even if the greenthorn blocks mindprobes, it doesn't block sound. Suddenly, I remember something my mother once told me about beforetime mazes; if you follow one wall, you will eventually find the way out. I shudder at the thought of the size of the Obernewtyn maze, but it is better than waiting and doing nothing. My hand lightly running along the left hand wall, I walk forwards.
I walk through the maze for what feels like a long time, the green walls twisting unchangingly around me. The sky above is a faintly luminous pale grey, the air perfectly still and silent. I pause, hearing a rustling sound behind me. Turning, I see Rushton rounding a corner. My face breaks into a smile. At last someone has found me. I beckon to him, but something keeps me from going towards him. Breaking into a smile of his own, his eyes filled with love, he turns and walks towards me.
As he approaches, a feeling of panic hits me with almost physical force. He will keep me from my quest! Tearing myself away, I turn and run down a side passage; trying to escape myself as much as him. When at last I slow down and look around I realise that still I have no idea where in this featureless maze I am. I curse my moment of panic, then shrug and continue walking. It is not the first time that fate has guided my steps.
Turning a corner I find myself face to face with Rushton again. My heart leaps and I almost step towards him before remembering and pulling away. I turn and run again, my mind filled with the image of the love in his eyes turning to hurt, confusion… and anger.
I see a flash of cloth ahead and dart down a side passage; voice calls behind me and I run faster; an achingly familiar face looks up in surprise as I pass an opening; steps match me, stride for stride, on the other side of a thorny barrier. Everywhere I turn he is there; in front, behind, beside me. I no longer know if I am running towards him, away from him or with him. My mind is filled with images of love, longing and duty and I no longer know which is which. All is confusion as I run through the twisting corridors of the shadowy maze. All is confusion, and I no longer know if I am Elspeth or Innel or someone watching from the outside.
Shadows of confusion and chaos surround me and the world fades.
Hovering on the edge of waking, I feel the presence of another mind slipping into my own. The sense of stone, wind, thin air and feathers is familiar, but frighteningly faint and I am forced to remember the gift of strength for which another paid the price. "What do you want, Atthis?"
The time is almost come when you/Innel must complete your quest. As the mindstream calls to me/Eldest, so the blackdeathroad calls to you. A call we both must soon answer. Be ready.
The voice fades and I am left alone with the knowledge that soon I must leave Obernewtyn, Rushton and everyone else to destroy the weaponmachines that would destroy us all. I must face this soon, but for now I force myself to wakefulness.
At the door to the dining hall I stop, looking out over the crowd of happily chattering Misfits. This is the true heart of Obernewtyn. Even more than the guildmerge, the dining hall symbolises what we have done here, the sanctuary we have made for those who were once feared and despised. I am filled with pride at what we have achieved, yet at the same time my heart aches with the knowledge that soon I must leave them all.
I turn and catch Rushton's arm, pulling him into a little side-chamber. I have made the decision. "Rushton, there's something I need to tell you. I should have told you a long time ago but I was afraid. You have to promise to let me do what I must, but you deserve to know. It all began that night when Vega forced me to read Marissa's diaries..."