It's time to catch up with a few of PV's next generation. Some of them just insisted on grabbing the mic, so to speak…
####
I missed Dad's laugh.
Since Mom's been out of the hospital - and since I found out I have another aunt - it's been good again. Almost like it was before.
Jenny: that's gonna get confusing. I've always associated the name with that crazy, bratty, lovable kid otherwise known as my sister. We figured something out, though. I'd call the new Jenny in my life Aunt J. I can already see why she makes Dad smile so much. Why she makes everybody smile. And it's easier with her, because there's not all these…I don't know. Expectations. I can just sorta be…me, whoever that is now.
But right now, my sister's stealing the show. She likes that kinda thing, and it's okay because I know it's been tough for her, too. She doesn't like to let it out, but I know. And having Aunt J. around - I think maybe it'll help her out. They've already got this connection. Probably the shared name thing.
My family's crazy. Nobody knows that better than me, but they mean a lot. Everything, really. And they're happy now.
Really happy.
I know it'll be safe, for a while.
So I make an excuse, and I can tell Mom wants to say something, but she doesn't. She holds back. She always does. And before I'm thinking about it, I'm giving her a hug. I wanna stay, but I don't. Maybe I can't.
When I go to my room, I turn the lights out and watch the clock. It's better that way, not seeing all of the….stuff in here that's mine, but not really mine. I wait and I try not to look at the mirror, like I'm a vampire or something. Sometimes, I wonder If I am.
My phone vibrates at exactly four. It's safer if I have the ringer off. Nobody asks questions.
But he's right on time, and when I hear him, it feels like I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding. He always sounds kinda scratchy, and most of the time there's a lot of noise on his end. I don't like to think about why.
I like to think that for a little bit, it's just the two of us. It's funny, because before, he was just the guy I'd see at Christmas and on the occasional weekend. And now, now that we'll probably never see each other again, I feel like I have a brother.
Nobody knows.
Nobody knows that he used his first phone call to tell me happy birthday. That we only said a few words, but that I asked - for some reason - that maybe, if he could, he would call again. And every week, he does. At the same time. Faithfully. And I think maybe I'm the only one he talks to. I know what he did….I know how he hurt Grandpa and Aunt Colby and Jenny's sister and those other people. They always tried not to tell us too much, but we all heard. We all knew. A part of me does hate him. Hates him a lot. But…
I just know that when he says, "Hi," for a few minutes I can relax. I can breathe.
And I can smile.
Because sometimes, I feel like if I don't smile I'll –
"How did it go?"
He's the first one I ever said it out loud to; I never even really said it to myself. And it didn't feel weird or stupid like I thought it would. It felt…right.
And he didn't laugh or hang up or yell. He just listened. And even though I wanted to, even though my throat got all closed up a hundred times, I didn't cry.
"It…went," I say.
And he doesn't push it. We talk about a hundred little things that don't really mean anything. That mean everything.
And then, it's always too soon, he has to go. Usually he says it first, the goodbye, maybe so I don't have to. But this time, he adds something before. He says, "Just listen."
It doesn't really make sense at first. But now, standing here in front of the mirror, I think I get it.
I open my eyes for the first time since I hung up.
I look.
And I listen.
I pick up the scissors.
They're happy.
I just want to be happy, too.
####
He hated this place. The stupid chairs. The stupid desks. The stupid posters on the walls that told him what to do and how to feel.
Most of all, he hated the stupid people in this place. Watching that old lady type away and push the glasses that were too big for her face up her nose until they could poke an eye out…it made that thing in him twist again, that thing that wanted to just –
He squeezed his knuckles and tried to get the blood off. Johnny started it. He always did. His stupid fat face. He was getting picked up, too, but they had him in the other room. AJ knew why.
Johnny was gonna get picked up by his dad, who'd leave his job and probably take Johnny to a Phillies game. Johnny always got to go to Phillies games with his Dad. And he let everybody know it. Like it mattered. And his mom would probably come too and give Johnny a kiss and tell him everything would be –
He didn't mean to. He didn't even know he'd done it until the lady was standing over him and giving him that look.
AJ picked the chair up, but he knew the lady was still mad. Even if she didn't say so. But who cared anyway? They were already making him go home. His grandpa could buy the chair. His grandpa could buy the whole stupid school. That'd teach them.
"I'm sorry," he muttered.
That always worked, and it even worked on the old lady. That big line in her head went away and she wasn't squinting anymore. She put on the 'grownup-trying-to-talk-to-a-little-kid' voice.
"Your grandmother will be here in a few minutes, AJ."
He thought he was even gonna get the head pat, but the lady straightened back up when they heard a noise behind them. When the lady got all official-looking and smiled, AJ knew another grown-up was around. Whether it was the principal again or Nanna, it was nobody he wanted to see.
It was weird because the lady was looking down, but she was talking in that high way grownups do when they're trying to be important.
"Hello, Ms. Montgomery. You are here to pick up Miranda, I presume?"
"Yes, for her dental appointment. Our driver is waiting."
"Of course."
AJ really didn't want to turn around now. He really –
"Miranda's room is just down the hall, and I could run…" The lady coughed, even though she'd seemed totally okay to him before. "I could go get her. It would just take a moment, but my young charge over here -"
"AJ?"
It was stupid. It was just his name, but something in the way she said it, he had to turn around. He couldn't stop himself. Just like he couldn't stop himself from making some kind of stupid noise and staring when he saw her sitting in that….that thing. He hadn't seen her since…
Since…
"It's okay." Miranda's mom was talking to the lady, but she didn't stop looking at him either. In the same way that -
No, he wasn't gonna think about that!
She was looking at the lady now, which was good, because he couldn't -
"I'll keep an eye on him."
A part of him wanted to run out of the room. Another part…
"it's okay,"" he said. "It's not like she can kidnap me,right?"
He did feel bad right after he said it, but Miranda's mom only laughed. "The boy has a point."
And that made him almost forget.
Until it was just them and two chairs. One busted-up, and one -
"I'm sorry," he said, not looking. He couldn't look now.
"It's okay, you did get her moving."
"Not that. I mean –" He waved a hand at the chair. His face was all red. He could feel it. "And I'm sorry for…for everything else."
"You have nothing to be sorry for." When he felt something soft touch his chin and lift it up, he made another stupid noise and his eyes hurt. But he wasn't gonna -
He just wasn't.
"So…" She lifted one of her arms. "Wanna tell me what that poor chair over there did to you?" The way she lifted her eyebrows, too, almost made him laugh.
He shrugged. "It's just, sometimes…." He didn't even know he'd been digging his fingernails into his hand until she touched his fingers. Then, they eased up.
"I think maybe you're a little like me. You got this big ball inside of you. It hurts so much that you've just gotta get the hurt out somehow. And sometimes you feel like it's been bouncing around in there for a long time, so much so that -"
"It'll never go away." The words just came out. And so did the question. "How did you get it out?"
He thought he'd surprised her a little, because she didn't say anything at first. But finally she said, "I haven't, not yet." And that surprised him.
"But, I think maybe there's only one way I can take it out. I've gotta open myself up. Not in a gross way, but more in a 'let other people know what's happening inside' kind of way. I've gotta let other people help me."
"I know, the opening up – it's a metaphor."
She smiled when he said that, which made him kinda proud he'd actually remembered something from English class.
"Right. The main thing I'm gonna try to remember is that I can't do it – I can't get that big ball out – by myself."
"That won't work for me." He didn't wanna sound like a cry-baby, but it was true.
"Why is that?"
He could only answer with another true thing. "Because everybody leaves." And his stupid, stupid lip wouldn't stop shaking, even when he looked back up at her. "Like you. You left, after –"
And this time she wouldn't look at him. When she did, her eyes were wet. Something else that was his fault. No wonder nobody stayed with him.
"I mess everything up."
She didn't say anything for a long time, but finally she did. "AJ, us grownups, a lot of the time we mess up more than any kid every could. Too many times to count. And usually, we do it thinking that we're doing the right thing. But no matter how much we mess up, you should never, ever doubt how much we all love you."
"She's right."
They both jumped at the sound of his Nanna's voice.
Miranda's mom squeezed his hand and smiled. "Listen to your Nanna, AJ. And know, that no matter what happens, from here on out, we're all going to be here for you. With you."
They all heard people outside coming closer.
"I think that's my cue." Miranda's mom pushed on her wheels, but she stopped in front of Nanna. "Krystal, good luck. With everything."
Nanna nodded and said, "Thank you." It wasn't a big deal, but AJ had the feeling that it was.
Then Miranda's mom turned back to him again. "And thank you, AJ."
That really did mix him up. "Me? For what?"
She just smiled again. "Just…for being here. For being you."
He did something that felt kinda funny. And kinda good, too.
He smiled back.
####
Mom says I should get the clear ones, but I'm definitely going for the pink. Who wants to look like everybody else?
Grandma never does. And she's backing me up. So is Aunt Ken. I like it when it's all of us. Yeah, even Gabby. It hasn't been all of us for a long time.
Sure, Paris is is one of the best places ever, especially when we got to go to the fashion shows. But after a while it gets, well, boring. Who needs all those models to tell me what to wear when I've got Grandma?
Mom wanted Grandma and Aunt Ken to come over so we could 'settle the great braces debate.' That's what she called it, anyway. As if she's gonna win. It's totally three-on-one.
But…she missed them, too. I can tell because she's smiling again. She hasn't done that a lot since –
I don't want to think about the bad stuff because right now everything's good. Everybody who matters is here. They even wanted to do that mirror thing that they do sometimes . And even though I say it's kinda corny and even though my hair's totally a disaster area and even though this time I've gotta share my spot with Gabby, I like it.
Maybe clear's not so bad.
####
She told him to stay in the car, but why should he have to? Grown-ups always thought that if they talked really quiet when they were mad, then nobody would know they were mad. But AJ knew better. It was one of the first things he figured out about grown-ups.
Grandma and Brooke were on the porch, so he hid behind the bush. It was a good place to hear.
" – nothing happened. Maybe I should try to stick it to him and lie. Maybe that'd make me feel better for a minute. But you…you deserve the truth."
"And maybe slapping you would make me feel better, but it won't fix anything. Maybe you did me a favor, Krystal. Maybe Adam just needed to present the ready-made stable family for the courts, when we both know that's not what he really wants."
"No, that's now how it was with us, Brooke. I can't pretend to explain this twisted need the two of us have to hurt each other, but it's toxic. It's toxic for us, and it's toxic for that little boy. I realize that now. With you, though, he….he lets more than a glimpse of that other side of him I know out. He needs you, and I think maybe you need him."
"And maybe I think the two of you deserve each other."
"Maybe that's true, but it's sure as hell not what AJ deserves. The judge wants to talk to AJ before he issues the ruling, and we both –"
AJ didn't know he was running until his legs started burning. Didn't know he was crying like a stupid baby until his eyes started up, too. He rubbed it all away and ran harder. He wished he could run forever.
He settled for the YMCA pool.
####
The other kids are splashing and yelling a lot. Some of the big kids are really close to each other and laughing. Or at least he thinks they are.
So many people. So much noise. And he can't hear any of it.
He knows that he will when they put the shell on his ear again. Mommy calls it something else sometimes. A plant, maybe? He doesn''t really understand that. But he really doesn't understand a lot of things now.
Like why he has to put that stupid thing on his ear. Why the other kids looked at him funny sometimes. Why he forgets how to laugh in the water. Why Uncle Jonathan took Emma. Why Daddy…
Why Daddy couldn't tuck him in at night anymore or call him and read him a story. His Barney was the best. With Daddy, he could always hear the laughs, even when he couldn't.
He didn't know why Daddy had to go away and why Mommy and Daddy Zach had to be sad all the time. Most of all, he didn't know why everybody smiled when they didn't want to.
Spike didn't care if the other kids laughed and he couldn't hear it, because he didn't wanna laugh. The only kid – not a Big-big kid, but a bigger-than-him kid – that wasn't laughing was Miranda's friend. Spike always messed up his name. He knew it was two letters, but he could never remember which two. He looked over to his mommy before paddling over to the blond boy. He was just gonna ask his name.
####
Homework is so….pedestrian.
I like that word. Grandma used it today.
But maybe this work won't be so bad. I got to talk to Grandma all by myself. I'm doing a 'feature profile' on her: the person I admire most.
I forgot to ask her something really important, though. And it'll really give my paper the right je ne sais quoi.
That's another word I like. I used it a lot in France.
Grandma left an hour ago, though. Mom said she had to go see the doctor. I could just find out some other way, but Mom doesn't like me to use the computer without anybody else around. Well, not the computer, but the INTERNET. But I know I can probably find what I wanna know on there. And I won't have to bug Grandma. Besides, we're not really supposed to ask why Grandma has like ten names.
It'll just take a minute...
Woah! There's A LOT of stuff on Grandma. There's an article on that Wiki thing that's like a hundred pages!
Grandma married AJ's grandpa? She fought with a bear? What's a showgirl?
Maybe I can find something shorter…
Wait, here's something about me!...and AJ?