"There's only two weeks until Christmas and I still don't have anything for mom" Kimberley complained as she carried her tray to the table.

"What about a nice dress or some other outfit?" Janice suggested

"No point" Kim said shaking her head. "She wouldn't be able to wear it until after the baby is born. I don't dare try and make it to fit her now because she has to replicate a new jacket every couple weeks".

"Well you'll come up with something" Naomi reassured. "Speaking of Christmas have you talked to the Captain yet about having a party?"

"I was planning on doing it tonight at dinner. She's usually a lot more agreeable to things when she's eating…but don't tell her I said that, she'd kill me for sure".

"Trust me; I'd never say something like that. Dad says that her moods can change faster than the weather at Starfleet Headquarters". Michael Torres pitched in. Everyone laughed at that and finished eating their lunch, then went back to their classes for the day.

-----

When Kimberley got home from school that day she immediately went to her room and stayed there until dinner. After setting the table Janeway went to check on her daughter and found Kim sound asleep with her books open around her. "Kimberley…Kim…hey Peanut, dinner's ready". Kathryn gently shook Kim trying to wake her up.

At the table Kimberley just picked at her dinner and pushed it around her plate. "Honey what's up? You haven't touched your peas?"

"I'm not hungry, but there is something I want to talk to you about. Me and Naomi want to have a Christmas Eve sleepover party for the kids, like you said you had when you were growing up. We wrote up a proposal and everything. Please say yes."

"It's Naomi and I. Well, I'll have to think about it. Give me your proposal and I'll bring it up at the staff meeting tomorrow."

"Thanks mom. May I be excused?" Kathryn noticed Kim had paled a bit. "Yes, take your plate back to the recycler. Come here sweetie". Kathryn felt Kim's forehead, "Well, you're a little warm but nothing to be concerned about. Do you feel nauseous at all?" Kim shook her head. "No, just not hungry".

-----

3 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS:

Kathryn looked over at the bedside clock for what seemed like the thousandth time. She had been tossing and turning and drifting in and out of a slumber for the past 3.5 hours. She could hear rustling around in the living room and wondered why Kim was up at that hour still. Needing to use the facilities anyway, Kathryn crawled out of bed and lumbered into the washroom. After climbing back in bed she started to drift off when she sensed a presence beside her. "My stomach hurts" came a voice from the side of the bed.

"Where does it hurt?" Kathryn asked sleepily. After Kim had showed her Kathryn lifted the covers and told her to climb in. "There's nothing I can do right now – it's 04:30. If it still hurts later on we'll take you to see the Doctor… come here, snuggle in next to me." Laying a hand on the baby and using her mom as a pillow Kimberly said, "I love you".

"I love you too Peanut. Close your eyes and relax."

The following day, Kathryn took Kimberley to sickbay to get her checked out. The Doctor ran every conceivable test and his only conclusion was that she had an allergic reaction to something.

Tom and Harry had created a program complete with snow and a large wooden ski lodge with extra rooms to sleep in for the children's Christmas sleepover in Holodeck 2 and a giant dance hall furnished with coloured lights and a Christmas tree in one corner of the room on Holodeck 1 for the rest of the crew to enjoy their own party. Taking the microphone in his hand, Neelix asked for everyone's attention then continued. "Captain, we wanted to give you our Christmas present before it got really late and you retire for the night." The lights dimmed and the dance floor was cleared of people. "An anonymous member of the crew found this poem and decided to turn it into a song."

Kathryn looked to Chakotay in confusion but he just shrugged his shoulders. As the music began to play he pulled her onto the dance floor and smiled wide. "What the heck?" she whispered. Kathryn returned Chakotay's smile with one of her own and followed him onto the empty floor. She was so caught up in the moment and the music she forgot all about her backache.

"When you forget how beautiful you are
I'll be there to remind you.
When you can't find your way,
I'll find my way to you…

…I'll be your shoulder when you need someone to lean on.
Be your shelter.
When you need someone to see you through.
I'll be there to carry you.
I'll be there.
I'll be the rock that will be strong for you.
The one that will hold on to you…"

Kathryn and Chakotay weren't alone on the dance floor anymore. Pulling him tighter to her she laid her head on his chest and closed eyes.

"…And when you're there with no one there to hold.
I'll be the arms that reach for you.
And when you feel your faith is running low.
I'll be there to believe in you.
When all you find are lies.
I'll be the truth you need.
When you need someone to run to.
You can run to me…

Kathryn realized they were just standing still. Lifting her head she looked deep into his eyes as if she was being pulled into his gaze. He was singing to her and the words hit her like a ton of bricks. She choked back a sob as her tears spilled over and slowly trickled down her cheek.

"…I'll be your shoulder when you need someone to lean on.
Be your shelter.
When you need someone to see you through.
I'll be there to carry you.
I'll be there.
I'll be the rock that will be strong for you.
The one that will hold on to you.
When you feel that rain falling down.
When there's nobody else around.
I'll be."

Leaning down Chakotay took a chance and kissed Kathryn full on the lips for everyone to see. Pulling away Kathryn was rooted in place unable to move. Chakotay searched her face trying to read her emotions. The pain in her eyes felt like a knife driving straight into his heart. Kathryn felt like she couldn't breathe and had to get out of there. Walking through the doors of the log cabin she knew he was right behind her. "I can't believe you did that. Have you completely lost your mind?" she demanded.

"Apparently I have because for a moment there I was sure I felt you respond with a kiss of your own" he defended.

"I'm going to bed, I'll see you in the morning Commander" Kathryn said before stalking to one of the bedrooms. Hearing the door open behind him, Chakotay saw Tom, B'Elanna and Harry enter the room. A couple of hours later he bid them goodnight and went to check on Janeway. He found her pacing the bedroom with her hands on her back and a pained look on her face. Calling her name softly he walked in and closed the door behind them for privacy. "What do you want?" she asked, her voice no longer laced with venom but still angry.

"I've been thinking"

"About what?"

"Us" he said bluntly. "Your feelings for me that you refuse to admit that you have.

"I beg your pardon?" she asked walking over to him.

"You heard me. Look Kathryn, I don't want to fight about this."

"Why did you do that? In front of everyone?"

"Because I wanted to show you how much you mean to me. You hold a special place in my heart Kathryn". At certain times she found it hard to stay angry at Chakotay. This was one of those times. Taking his hand in both of hers she lifted it up and placed it over her heart. She gazed upward catching his eye. "You hold a special place in my heart too, but I can't let myself get close to anyone, especially you. Please try to understand."

"I try but I can't. You haven't given me a damn good reason why you won't give into your heart".

"It's not that I won't, it's that I can't."

"Why? Why can't you let yourself fall in love and be happy?"

"BECAUSE…" she cried out in anguish, "every time I let my guard down and start to love someone, I end up alone in the end."

"Kathryn I'd never hurt you"

"You can't promise that Chakotay."

"Who have you hurt by falling in love with them?" Kathryn tried to pull away but Chakotay grabbed her arms and held her in place. "Everyone! I killed Justin on Tau Ceti Prime; I stranded us in the Delta Quadrant, forcing Mark to give me up for dead and move on with his life; Kashyk could never learn to trust telepaths; Michael Sullivan wasn't real; Jaffen was happy staying on Quarra and the Kathryn Janeway he fell in love with isn't the real me". She managed to pull herself out of his grasp and stood at the window running her hands over her swollen middle. "Here I am alone again. I can't handle the pain of losing anyone else. My heart couldn't take it." Her voice was thick with emotion. Suddenly she moaned out loud and reached for her back again. Chakotay came up behind her and massaged it with her. "It's late Chakotay and we have a big day tomorrow, you better get to bed".

"Lie down in bed and I'll rub your back. It'll help you fall asleep". Too tired and sore to argue she did as he said. After a while his hands grew sore and he curled up behind Kathryn and drifted off to sleep. She sighed and snuggled in closer to him feeling content and safe in his loving and strong embrace.