Angel's Lullabye can be found on the REBA Season 1 DVD
Crewman Janeway's Personal Log Stardate :
I just came back from Sickbay where the Doctor confirmed that I am pregnant. Now I have to decide how I'll handle it.
Personal Log Supplemental:
After much deliberation – and many sleepless nights – I have decided to go with the option of terminating the pregnancy. When I told Michael my decision I couldn't tell if he was happy, sad, relieved or what. I don't like keeping things from mom but I didn't have much of a choice. I know how upset she'd be if she found out I'd gotten pregnant to start with, and if she didn't get mad she would definitely be disappointed and maybe even feel guilty that this had happened because she wasn't around enough to keep a closer eye on me – not that t would have mattered anyway. Michael and I love each other a lot and if we want to be together, we'll find a way to do it.
- - - - -
Kathryn Janeway sat in the darkness of her quarters, eyes closed as she focused on trying not to think about the hammering pain inside her head. Today was definitely one of those days she wished had never existed. It started out with her oversleeping and then a power surge caused her sonic shower to overload. When she did finally make it to the Bridge four people were out sick leaving her with crew members who were pulling extra shifts and being distractingly nervous because they weren't used to working with the Captain present at the time. By noon she had barely made a dent in her reports before she had to return to the Bridge and convince yet another alien species that Voyager wasn't really worth blowing up. Energy was low at the moment so replicator rations had been reduced which means she was forced to cut back on the number of cups of coffee she allowed herself to have. Because she was going through caffeine withdrawals everyone else on the Bridge could feel her tension as well. This did not make for smooth running of duty shifts. There were three different altercations each involving multiple crew members so by the time her shift had ended the pile of reports on her desk had grown an inch.
Shortly after Janeway walked into her quarters two hours ago, Katelynn had started wailing loudly at the top of her lungs and hadn't stopped. Kathryn hadn't had a chance to feed her yet and was feeling very uncomfortable because was so full of milk.
"Haven't you gotten her to stop yet?" Kimberley yelled as she entered the room, covering her ears.
Kathryn just lifted her head, which had been resting on the back of the couch, and shot an icy look at the teenager. "If you think it's so easy then by all means, feel free" she replied sarcastically with a wave of her hand. "While you're at it, convince her that she wants to eat" she added as an afterthought.
Kimberley reached into the crib and picked up her sister. "What's the matter Katiebug? Why are you still crying? Mama's cranky because you haven't eaten. Is that why you're upset, are you hungry?" Kimberley noticed that as she started talking Katelynn quieted down and pretty soon quit crying altogether. "Were you just wanting to see me and missed hearing my voice? Come on, let's go see Mama before she explodes." Kimberley chuckled as her sister just stared at her as if Kimberley had three heads. Kimberley decided to test a lullaby she had written not long ago. Snuggling her sister to her chest she paced the room and began singing:
Midnight moonlight shining through the curtain lace
Paints a perfect picture on your perfect face
One sweet angel sleeping in my arms
You are the promise I knew God would keep
You are the gift that makes my world complete
And you'll never know how much I love you
But I'll keep on telling you my whole life through
Now I believe in miracles and you're the reason why
So dream on, while I sing you, my angel's lullaby
Katelynn was almost asleep when Kimberley finished so she quietly walked over, handed the baby to her waiting mother, then disappeared into her bedroom. She wasn't prepared for how emotional she was feeling. She had made the mistake of imagining that Katelynn was her baby and she had written the song for that reason. Reality suddenly hit her like a ton of bricks that by this time tomorrow she would no longer be carrying a new life within her. Just like a couple nights ago when she found out she was pregnant. Kimberley hugged her stomach, curled into the fetal position and cried eventually falling asleep from emotional exhaustion.
- - - - -
The morning briefing had gone really well. They were only a few light years away from a large dilithium deposit reading; crew efficiency reports were actually above average for the month and sensors were showing clear sailing for a week (although everyone knew how fast that could change). Kathryn dismissed everyone with a smile then stood up herself. When B'Elanna stood up Tom grabbed her hand, "honey hang on a moment" and pulled down indicating she should stay. Noticing Tom & B'Elanna still in their seats she said to them, "Lieutenants I dismissed you, you can leave now."
"Actually Captain there's something I need to inform you about." Tom said sitting up a little straighter.
"Janeway to Bridge. Commander please return to the briefing room"
"Aye Captain". When he arrived she turned the floor over to Tom.
"Captain the Doctor wasn't telling you the whole story when he said he had a surgery this morning."
"What do you mean Lieutenant?" Chakotay asked in confusion.
"Tom what's going on?" B'Elanna had a feeling by his pensiveness last night that something was being kept secret and now she knew it. They were a team – husband and wife – and she didn't like the idea that he had kept something a secret from her.
"Captain, the Doctor is terminating a pregnancy" Tom finally explained. Kathryn looked to Chakotay. "Commander, were you aware of any of this?"
"No Captain I have no idea what is going on"
"Captain he's terminating Kimberley's pregnancy."
- - - - -
Kathryn's POV
Did I just hear Tom say Kimberley's name? I am wrong. I will turn around and he'll have a big grin on his face and he'll laugh and say he's kidding... oh crap he isn't smiling. If anything he looks scared. Suddenly I am having trouble catching my breath. Kimberley pregnant? She's just turned 16. She's too young to be thinking about having sex let alone actually going through with it. Damn it Kathryn pull yourself together. "Did you just say Kimberley is the one..." I can't even bring myself to say the word. As I hear him utter the words 'yes ma'am' I feel tears sting my eyes, so I quickly turn away before they notice. I manage to pull my mask in place but did i do it fast enough? Turning back around I try to speak the word "how" but my voice catches in my throat. Clearing it with a touch of difficulty I try again. "Why do you think it's Kimberley?" I hope no one noticed the waiver in my voice and to my relief it seems they didn't. I can feel Chakotay looking at me, trying to see the feelings behind my mask but thankfully years of Starfleet training has taught me how to not be intimidated by scrutinizing stares.
"Michael told me"
"when?"
"last night"
B'Elanna voiced angrily what the rest of us were thinking. "How does he know?" B'Elanna is fighting a losing battle with her temper, and bless her heart for succeeding thus far but deep down in my gut I know all Hell is going to break loose she she can't fight anymore.
"He's the father". I feel like I've just been punched in the stomach. "What do you mean he's the father?"; "I'm gonna kill you Paris"; "Oh my God" B'Elanna, Chakotay and Janeway say simultaneously. Out of the corner of her eye Janeway saw Chakotay lunge towards Paris in an angry rage. Quickly intercepting him she used all her force and strength to hold him back. "Chakotay stop...Chakotay that's enough!" She said his name a second time with a little more force while he fought her restraints. He was still mouthing off to Paris who was defending himself from the wrath of his wife's Klingon temper. He finally managed to calm her down enough to convince her to sit down. Chakotay, however, was determined to stand his ground and wasn't going to budge, but continued to glare angrily at Tom as if this whole thing was somehow his fault. Kathryn was determined to regain control of the situation, using her frustration and anger as a means of strength she managed to shove Chakotay back to his seat. "I said that's enough Commander!" Kathryn ran her left hand through her hair then began to rub her forehead just above her left eyebrow while her right hand automatically came to rest on her hip. She could feel her whole body shaking as she tried to piece everything together. "Lt. Paris start from the beginning and tell me everything."
"I don't know a whole lot, Captain. The other day I was in the shuttle bay making repairs on the Delta Flyer when Michael came by. He began helping me and finally he said he had a problem. He explained that someone had told him something in confidence and that he was to keep it a secret but doing that was starting to bother him because he was involved. I asked him who she was and how big the problem was. That's when he told me that Kimberley thought she was pregnant & that's when I realized he's the father. He felt it was Kimberley's place to tell you so asked me not to tell you either. Last night was when she apparently told him of her decision to have the abortion and that he was going to be wit her for the procedure." Kathryn was sitting down by the time Tom finished.
"Thank you Lt." Getting up she walked over to the wall panel and called up the Doctor on the screen. "How is your patient doing Doctor?"
"Just fine Captain. I'm keeping the patient here for observation and they'll be released to quarters later this evening."
"Thank you Doctor" she closed the link then dismissed everyone. "Oh and Lt Paris, if you ever keep something important like this from me again, I will personally throw you in the Brig myself."
"Yes Captain"
Kathryn entered her ready room via the hallway and went into the washroom to freshen up and make sure she looked presentable. After replicating a glass of water she stepped onto the Bridge and asked for a report.
"Good morning Captain" Chakotay greeted as she took her chair.
"Commander" she acknowledged with a nod.
"Hell of a morning we've had. Why would Kimberley not want you to know that she's pregnant?"
"I don't know, but I can't worry about that right now, there's too many other things needing my attention"
- - - - -
Kathryn's duty shift was almost over by the time she got around to talking to the Doctor in Sickbay. "were you going to tell me who the patient was when you wrote your report Doctor?"
"Captain you know I cannot reveal that information without the patient's consent."
"You wouldn't do it even if it involves a member of the Captain's family?"
"No Captain. It would be going against my programming and everything that Starfleet Medical stands for."
Janeway nodded her head in acceptance. "Thanks Doctor." She looks out the window of his office to the person lying peacefully on the biobed. "How is she doing?"
"She's doing good. If you need anything Captain don't hesitate to call". With that the Doctor deactivated and Kathryn went over to the biobed. Placing the palm of her hand against her daughter's cheek Kathryn brushed the hair out of Kimberley's face and placed a soft kiss on her forehead. "Oh Peanut. Why must you feel this need to keep secrets from me?"
Slowly Kimberley's eyes fluttered open as she slowly gained consciousness. "Michael? Nomes?" she croaked in a whisper, reaching her hand out.
"They're not here right now darling but mom is. How are you feeling sweetie?"
"Captain what happened? Why are you down in sickbay?"
"I came to see how you were feeling." Kimberley could clearly see the concern in Janeway's eyes and hear it in her voice when she spoke. "How did you find out I'd be here?" Kimberley asked.
"Lt. Paris told me this morning." Kimberley could not only hear the concern in the Captain's voice but disappointment also.
"He doesn't know all of it" Kimberley said quietly.
"I know about the abortion Kimberley." She turned her head away so Kathryn wouldn't see the tears forming in her eyes. Silently Janeway tucked Kimberley's hair behind her ear and watched the tears slide silently down her cheeks. "I'm sorry" Kimberley said in a voice barely above a whisper.
"Why?" Kathryn asked as she began choking up as well. The doctor appeared to stay that Kimberley was free to go but was to stay off her feet as much as possible for the rest of the night.
"Doctor how is she doing psychologically?" Janeway asked while she waited for Kimberley to return from changing.
"She seems to be handling everything okay although she was very adamant on not telling you anything until after the procedure was done. Here she comes now."
"You ready to go Peanut?" taking Kimberley's hand they walked out of Sickbay together and into the turbolift. "Deck 4" Janeway ordered then turned and look at her daughter. "When we get back, you and I are going to sit down and have a talk." Kimberley knew that the only two acceptable answers were "yes ma'am" or nothing at all – she chose the latter.
- - - - -
Captain hi come on in. I'll grab Katelyn's things."
"thanks again for looking after her Samantha"
"It's my pleasure. Naomi says you weren't feeling well this morning and had to go to Sickbay. You're looking pretty good now" she said to Kimberley
"Thanks Aunt Sam. I am feeling better." After leaving the Wildman's quarters not another word was uttered by Kathryn until after they had stepped foot onto their own quarters one deck up.
- - - - -
Kathryn stood outside the door of her First Officer's room, finger hovering over the access panel. Taking a deep breath she pushed the button and waited. After a moment she heard his "come in" and walked in to find the lights dimmed; soft music playing; and the table set for an intimate dinner for two complete with candles. He met her at the door with a glass of wine in each hand. Handing one to her, he kissed her cheek and led her to the table. After dishing up their plates, and seating himself he said, "Kathryn I need to apologize for my actions in the briefing room this morning."
"When you went after Tom? Believe me I wanted to do the same thing. The fact that he kept a secret from me bothers me a great deal. I wonder how many other things are happening on my ship that I don't know about but should."
"Oh I'm sure nothing happens without you noticing. You might not let it be known that you know it's happening but you're too observant and protective of this ship. That's what makes you a great Captain."
"But not a great mother. These past 16 years have shown me why Captain's don't have families. It's because your job and your crew have to be your family."
"Kathryn that's not true and you know it. Take Admiral Paris for example. You said he was your Captain during your posting on the Albatani. Well he had a family back then."
"They weren't living on the ship with him! He had Starfleet within hailing distance so he could take a leave of absence if need be."
"You know what? Forget it. I'm not going to do this with you again Kathryn." Chakotay answered angrily. He cleared the dishes from table noticing that Kathryn had barely even touched her plate.
"Do what with me?"
"Sit here and listen to you try to convince me that anything that ever happens is your fault because you got us stranded out here. What you did helped turn us into a family and the mistakes we make are of our own doing."
"Unless you're the Captain. In the end it always finds its way to the Captain. It won't matter what my logs say, there will be at least one Admiral who wants to put the blame on me."
"How many times have you told a person that they can't always control what happens?"
"Lots"
"Then why are you so insistent on blaming yourself?"
"I obviously did something wrong with raising my daughter if she isn't even wanting to share important events with her own mother."
"Come on Kathryn, you can't honestly tell me that you didn't keep any secrets from your own mother"
"Nothing as big as getting pregnant and having an abortion"
"Well now technically that's not true. You did keep your pregnancy with Kimberley a secret from your mom." Kathryn shot him a dark look, her mouth set in a firm straight line. "Okay, not funny, I get it. Sorry. Do you want me to talk to her?"
"I don't think she's talking to anyone." After a while they fell into a comfortable silence and he walked over to the replicator. Walking back he said to her "you didn't touch your dinner and the Doctor will surely have my hide if you don't eat something so close your eyes and open your mouth."
"What is it?" she asked frowning.
"Never mind asking questions, just do as you're told"
"Yes sir" she replied closing her eyes and opening her mouth. Feeling a spoon enter she closed her lips around it and as the contents slid off onto her tongue she smiled and said "mmm, coffee ice cream. You do know how to satisfy a woman."
"Glad you're enjoying it" he said pulling her against him so her back was against his chest. He continued feeding her the ice-cream while they talked about the latest ship's gossip.
- - - - -
As the weeks went by Kimberley returned to her regular self a little bit everyday. She had even been cleared by the EMH to go on working away missions. She loved exploring new spaces and was looking forward to tomorrow's project. There was two teams assigned to go to a nearby planet and collect specimens of the local plants and minerals; and also survey the land for historical purposes. Kimberley was trying to keep her baby sister entertained while going over the detals of tomorrow's assignment. Naomi absentmindedly reached for a padd from the pile beside her. "Oh gross"
"What?"
"They're all slobbery"
"Katelynn, give that to me." Kimberley reached over and took a different one out of her grasp. "Here chew on the scans from Stellar cartography." They both laughed when, after putting it in her mouth, she made a face that said "this is disgusting" and threw the padd onto the floor.
The next day:
The away team leader had paired Kimberley up with Lt. Nancy Brewer, an ex-Maquis who was still slightly bitter about Starfleet even after all these years. The two of them worked in absolute silence except for the occasional "over here". Finally Kimberley had had enough and confronted Nancy. "Lt. Brewer, what is your problem? You've barely said two words to me all day."
"I don't talk to sinners and baby killers."
"I beg your pardon?" she asked in shock and dismay.
"I said I don't associate with baby killers" Nancy repeated in a tone that suggested Kimberley was a complete idiot.
"How dare you call me a baby killer. If you were in my situation you may have done the same thing."
"No. I would never take away a child's chance at life. No matter what the situation. Now I suggest you get back to work so we don't put the mission behind schedule."
"Yes Lieutenant" Kimberley had noticed some interesting readings about 500 meters away. Using her tricorder she went in search of the source for the readings. She was only two feet away when the ground suddenly broke apart from underneath her and she fell down a 25 foot embankment.