Yeah... I'm posting chapter two 10 minutes after chapter 1...
Well, suck it up owlings because here's chapter two of my beautifully depressing DenNor fic! Hope you'll enjoy this, it's rather emotionally messy and changes point of view a lot, but I'm sure you'll all get it.
Please Read & Review!
2. It seemed as if live had brightened up, to be honest. Of course it had to fuck up utterly.
Is it too late to repair my mistakes?
Not even Mathias spoke to him these days. After his abuse for a week ago, people had taken a distance to him. Not that he actually minded, he was mostly just irritated on the fact everyone seemed to know about it. Of course, he should've seen it coming. Of course the tormentors would be bragging all about it when no teachers were around. He sighed as he picked up his tray with food, wandering off to a remote table in the far end of the cafeteria. That's where he usually sat, and the seat was never taken. People probably thought they'd catch a disease from sitting there. Somehow, he felt quite delighted about the fact that most people were just scared of him. He could definitely deal with that. The only hard part of being an outcast was, of course, the bullies. But he guessed he just had to deal with them as well.
He saw Mathias sit down next to some of the more friendly jocks. Under the duration of this last week he had watched Mathias sit at nearly every table in this cafeteria. He always looked just as lost. And he never even did as much as throw a glance at Lukas. Well, at least not noticeably.
At least he had so far refrained from sitting at the same table as Lukas' bullies. He was glad about that, for whatever it meant. Either Mathias still thought of him, or he just hadn't thought of it yet. Still, the days felt longer and greyer without him, compared to the sunny days he had spent with him over the past weeks. He couldn't help wondering if he had done anything wrong, and if so what. Oh, he had probably just scared him off. Or he had heard rumours, and changed his mind about Lukas. He really couldn't help himself from overthinking.
-x-X-x-
He was deep in his thoughts while crossing the parking lot, on his way to his bike standing awkwardly parked at the far end next to the richer students' Porsches. He kept his head down, mumbling incoherent insults to the douchebags he passed on the parking lot, effectively avoiding walking past his bullies. He only stopped when he bumped into someone. Damn it, he did not need this again. He turned up and swore inwardly at the sight of the man in front of him.
"You really should learn to watch where you're going." He snorted humorously.
Lukas did not find it funny. "Well you should learn not to stand in my way." Angrily he pushed Mathias out of the way and continued walking, intensively ignoring the blush spreading across his far too pale cheeks. He heard an extra pair of feet splash against the wet concrete behind him.
"I'm sorry Lukas. Please wait up for me."
Lukas continued walking, fuming and trying his best ignoring Mathias. He felt upset emotions build up like a tsunami-tide inside him, fighting hard to suppress it. However, the persistent Dane kept up with him too well. He finally stepped in front of him, stopping him in his tracks. Lukas simply looked at him.
"I just wanted to see how you are. Are you alright?"
The pure look of concern in Mathias' eyes burned even more when Lukas chose to ignore it. He replied flatly; "Yeah. Why do you wanna know anyway? Gonna go brag to all your little friends how you were brave enough to single-handedly speak to the dreaded and hated Lukas Bondevik?"
His upset tsunami-tide turned into a wave of fury as he continued, snapping at Mathias who were cut off trying to say something. "If you really cared about me, where were you last week? Where were you when I felt sick every day? Where were you when I got laughed at for being wobbly when I walked, since I still hadn't recovered fully from my concussion? Where were you when I got beaten to a pulp? Where were you then?" He paused to take a breath, averting his eyes, not standing the look of regret in Mathias' oh too lovely eyes. "Stop acting like you care about me, you don't. Stop acting like we're friends, we're not. If you were any smart at all you'd be gone now, like the rest. They all leave at some point, you just left earlier than usually. I thought you were different."
He bit his lip harshly. He did not mean to say those last words out loud. However, they didn't seem to have much effect on the situation. There was a moments silence before Mathias spoke. His broken voice hurt like a million daggers.
-x-X-x-
"Well then… I'm sorry to be causing you any trouble. I hope you'll be alright." He swallowed hard, pushing down his emotions, drowning them. "I'll just leave you then." He turned before waiting for an answer. He couldn't stand the coldness in Lukas' voice, like icicles hitting his skin. He couldn't stand the sudden, gigantic emptiness he felt in his heart. He couldn't stand the obvious rejection, the obvious loss of responding feelings. He couldn't stand loving Lukas.
He walked with slow, heavy steps back to his car. His shady, crappy old pickup truck he had gotten for his eighteenth birthday. None of that really mattered anymore. He might as well crash this pathetic excuse for a car in the closest tree along the roadside. He never really thought he would fall in love, and of course he had to go fall for the completely wrong guy. Lukas, perfect Lukas, who most probably hated his guts by now. Why couldn't he ever get anything right?
-x-X-x-
"Lukas? Is something wrong?"
Three light knocks on the door was heard, followed by silence. Lukas felt a little bad not even letting his brother in. He had already driven away both of his parents, after he threw his bike on the front yard, stormed into his room and locking the door. He had not accepted any of their offers about food, hugs, talk or whatsoever. He couldn't possibly focus on such things now.
He dried his tears, still sensing the presence of Emil, his younger brother outside the door. He cleared his throat before answering with a half broken voice.
"No, I just need to be alone for a while, Emil."
Silence.
"Alright. For how long do you think? Will you be out tomorrow?"
Lukas thought before answering. "I'm not sure Emil, but I'll try."
To be honest he never wanted to leave this room ever again. He never wanted to tell anyone what had happened, why he was crying, what was wrong. He never wanted to go to school again. He couldn't ever face Mathias again, not after what he had said.
"Okay, Lukas." The disappointment in his voice was so obvious it hurt. "I hope you'll get better till then."
He heard his faint footsteps fade away down the hall, and Lukas wondered briefly of the odds of ending life all alone. He found it highly probable.
However, he hadn't planned on dying today, only perhaps if he happened to drown in his own tears or choke on the dark emotions running through him like a wild tempest. He snorted bitterly at that, rising from his place on the bed, stretching out his aching legs which had been in the same position for a longer time than he dared to think of. He had no idea how long he had just sat on the bed, crying his heart out. Contemplating every syllable of the harsh words he had just spat on Mathias, analysing the memory of Mathias' devastated face. Thinking that now, now, he had surely fucked up utterly. He realised just now, too late, that Mathias had truly brought sunlight into Lukas' grey, emotionless world. And now it was too late, Lukas had lost it from being plain stupid.
-x-X-x-
The weekend came and went too fast, and Lukas tried his best to distract himself. He went out with Emil, read a whole book and baked copious amounts of cakes he later had no idea what to with. Monday came too fast. He wasn't ready yet, he felt quite honestly scared. He buttoned every button of his shirt with caution, tied his tie carefully, and made sure his sweater was clean and ironed perfectly. He brushed through his hair slowly before pulling his bangs back, putting them in place with his hairclip in shape of a Nordic cross. He looked himself in the mirror once more before leaving home, for the first time wondering if it was worth the effort.
He arrived early to school. Earlier than he ever had before, so he felt quite lost walking through the empty halls all by himself. As usual, he kept his gaze down, shut in his own mind. Well, at least he couldn't possibly bump into someone at this hour, especially not him. At least he thought so.
"Hey, watch it!"
Too late, he totally bumped into Mathias of course, not only scattering his papers all over the floor, but falling and became half buried in them. He felt like he was on the verge of having a mental breakdown. He just sighed, not attempting to stand but silently picking up some of the papers he was covered in.
The tension was pressuring, he could feel it like a thick blanket enveloping them both. Both wanted to speak, none of them did. He eventually stood, after watching Mathias collect some papers farther down the hall. When he turned back to Lukas, he had a stern look on his face.
"Here. I'm sorry I-"
"Thanks very much." He broke off coldly. "Don't need your apologies."
Lukas was definitely caught off guard. "But I-"
"Save it. I don't want to hear it, honestly."
Lukas cheeks burned, frustration filling him to the brim. "You don't even know what I'm going to say! What's even up with you, suddenly acting like you're all cool and better than me somehow?"
Mathias smiled a cold, bitter smile. "Well, who knows, maybe I am."
Lukas spat the words. "Excuse me? You really believe that? You really think you're so fucking cool, just because you got new friends? What the hell makes you think you're in any way better than me?" Lukas winced inwardly when he all too well knew he was being a rude little piece of shit. But he just couldn't let this one go.
"Well at least I'm not some fucking sociopath hiding away all days in the library behind a book. At least I have a life, like you obviously don't."
Mathias words cut deep and harsh into his soul, and he was for a moment unsure what to reply with. However, Lukas did what he mostly did in tough situations like this. He mended his melting, crushed heart with colder words.
"Oh, wow. I'm surprised you even know about such words as 'sociopath'. And be careful what you wish for, I mean, who knows how long my apparently non-existent life will go on? After all, what good does it make when no one cares enough to make the effort to acknowledge it?"
The words stung bitterly in his mouth as he turned and ran. He hadn't even noticed the tears running down his cheeks until now, and he dried them off with his sleeve irritated. He could hear Mathias call his name behind him, could hear feet hitting the cold stone floor as he apparently followed him. Lukas would not let him. He hastily turned left into a small shortcut towards the bathrooms. Oh, what a cliché, hiding in the bathrooms. But he really didn't have much of a choice.
He slammed the door to the small cubicle, locked it carefully and breathed out slightly. Unfortunately, the thoughts he had fought to suppress finally caught him in this brief moment of tranquillity. Why did Mathias cruel words hurt as much as they did? Did Lukas have feelings for this wonderfully annoying Dane? Of course not, he couldn't possibly. He was pretty sure the only feelings he felt for Mathias was betrayal, sadness and possibly hatred. He probably just confused his hate with love, they were both strong emotions. Although, like the old adage said, you cannot hate something you've never loved. Reluctantly, he sat down on the closed toilet. His head was spinning, he couldn't think clearly. He closed his eyes, but all he could see was Mathias. His bright grin, his wild hair and brilliant eyes. He thought about his stupid, stupid, words and it hurt so much.
"Oh for fuck sakes." He murmured and rose up, exiting the cubicle and walking towards the mirror. His words echoed emptily of the walls, and he felt a sudden loneliness envelop him. He had never felt so lonely in his whole life. He gripped the edge of the sink in front of him, closing his eyes shut, trying to stop the rising panic. He had possibly just lost his one chance in life of maybe being happy, for real. While standing here, watching his miserable face, he realised how much he really wanted Mathias to love him. He realised, there and then, how much he really and truly loved Mathias. Unbelievable as it may seem, he loved him. And it literally broke his heart knowing he had probably just lost his chance.
I dreamed a dream. Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.*
-x-X-x-
Lukas ran from the school's orderly room in a haste with a paper clenched in his hand. He had searched for Mathias all morning, ever since he made up his mind about apologizing, willing to beg on his knees to at least forgive him. But he was nowhere to be found, and Lukas was just about to panic and scream when a teacher told him Mathias had felt sick and gone home. Now he was holding a paper with the address to his home, not really sure about what the hell he was about to do, but he sure felt good about it.
He found the house in no time, only a few blocks away from his own home. It was a small house painted in red, and the driveway was empty except for the old truck that Lukas believed was Mathias'. He slowed down his steps as he reached the steps leading up to the front door. Sudden uncertainty struck him as he cautiously waked up the steps, trying not to make too much noise. Maybe he shouldn't have come? Maybe Mathias didn't want him here. He reached the door and stopped with his hand halfway on the doorbell. Well, damn it all, he loved him and Mathias deserved an apology. Who cared if Mathias wouldn't love him back even the slightest? Who cared if he would tell Lukas to just fuck off? He already considered his pretty much finished, so he decided to take the leap of faith and pushed the doorbell.
He silenced all of his movements, trying to listen for any signs of life inside the house. He heard shuffling footsteps, a moments silence and something that sounded suspiciously much like glass hitting glass. Like… bottles. He rang the doorbell again after a moment's silence. After a moment, Mathias' voice was heard, muffled by the door.
"Who's there?"
Lukas panicked slightly, unsure of whether it was a smart idea to answer. After a second he finally replied. "Lukas."
Silence. Some more shuffling. Lukas jumped when the lock of the door scrambled loudly and the door was pushed open. He almost lost his breath when he saw Mathias, who stood in the doorway, hair wilder than usual, his tie close to being untied and his shirt half open.
"Uhm, am I… coming at an, uh, bad time?" Lukas managed to choke out, desperately hoping Mathias hadn't got any company. He'd be mortified in letting someone else hear his apologies and confessions.
Mathias snorted humourlessly. "Depends on why you're here."
"I came to apologize and-"he paused looking around him slightly. "Can I come in?"
Mathias nodded, and Lukas carefully stepped in, trying not to make it too obvious he was searching the house for any sign of another person present in the house. Of course, Mathias noticed.
"I'm home alone, if that's what you're looking for." He spoke flatly, leading Lukas into what seemed to be his bedroom and sat down on his bed. He looked up at Lukas who stood at the door still, patting on the spot beside him, gesturing for him to sit down. Lukas reluctantly obliged. He wasn't sure he would stand to restrain himself, being that close to Mathias.
-x-X-x-
Lukas watched him unsurely before obliging his request, sitting down next to Mathias. Mathias felt a sting in his heart just looking at Lukas' flawless face. He swallowed, keeping a safe distance, hoping he wouldn't smell the alcohol on his breath. He honestly had no idea how much he had drunken since this morning, when he got home, crashed and fell from his disheartening heartbreak. He was honestly just happy to know Lukas was alive and alright, and having him here sitting next to him felt like a bliss, like a dream.
"Mathias I…" Lukas begun, seeming not sure of his words. "I want to apologize. For everything. For causing you distress, for being a bitch, for being plain rude. I'm sorry."
He paused and looked down, and Mathias breathed out in relief. He was just opening his mouth to answer when Lukas unexpectedly continued. He silenced immediately.
"I don't know what got into me neither last week nor this morning. Truth is, you are better than me. You're a better person than I'll ever be, and you were right about everything this morning." He bit his lips and practically whispered out the last words so that Mathias could barely hear them. He thought he was dreaming.
"… og det er derfor jeg elsker deg."
-x-X-x-
Lukas felt his whole face redden as he turned away from Mathias. He bit his lip harshly, he couldn't believe he had said it. He hoped Mathias hadn't heard it. He hoped he had heard it. He just wanted a reply, yet he was dead scared of getting the wrong one. He closed his eyes as he heard Mathias gasp next to him. He kept them shut tight, obstinately, until he felt Mathias hand on his. His eyes shot open and he turned to look at Mathias. He was close. Far too close. Yet, Lukas was frozen.
Mathias slowly took his hand and pulled him closer, a smile on his lips. His eyes sparkled and Lukas was unsure if he could take this anymore. He felt his breath slow down as they inched closer to each other. Mathias stopped with an appropriate distance between them. His smile never faltered, his hand felt hot against Lukas' and oh dear god he smelled so good.
"I never thought… I mean-"he gave a short nervous laugh which Lukas found himself loving more than life itself. "Am I dreaming Lukas?"
Lukas could only manage a faint whisper. "No." before he could stop himself, he had let himself be drawn even closer, now only mere inches from Mathias' face.
Mathias kept his eyes locked on Lukas'. "So… may I…?"
Lukas couldn't help it. He was tired of waiting. Tired of feeling lonely. "Absolutely."
-x-X-x-
Mathias was not sure who kissed first. Either it was Lukas, with a firm grip on Mathias tie, pulling him closer. Or, it might just have been Mathias himself, his hand securely placed on Lukas slender waist. Anyhow, it was the bets that had ever happened. He was definitely sure of it.
Lukas' lips on his, Lukas' one hand on his tie and the other one sliding up his arm. Lukas' scent and Lukas' mere presence. Mathias was in a bliss, he couldn't even in his wildest imaginations believe this was really happening. He pulled him closer, holding him to his heart, kissing everywhere he could reach. He could hear Lukas giggle softly underneath him when he kissed his nose. It was certainly the most beautiful sound in the world.
They kissed properly once again, this time slower, longer, more passionate. Lukas pulled away first, panting for air. Their eyes met, and they both fell silent. Mathias words got stuck as he watched the most beautiful thing ever to exist in the whole wide world look at him like he was the same to him.
-x-X-x-
Lukas breathed heavily, not really minding the weight of Mathias on top of him. He wasn't exactly sure when they had come to end up in this position, but he loved it too much to question. He was finally here, he had finally made something right. He was here, in Mathias' arms, and he felt like he had finally found home. He watched Mathias as he looked as if he struggled to speak, a small smile escaping his lips.
"Lukas I…" Mathias smiled back at him briefly, his eyes uncertain. "I don't know what to say, this is the best that's ever happened to me and I can't believe that we… I mean, you and me just… I'm just so-"
"Shh, stop talking so much." Lukas silenced him with a kiss. He felt satisfied, he had wanted to do that ever since he saw it in a movie once. Mathias kissed him back softly, breaking the kiss to finally find the right words.
"It's just that, jeg elsker dig så meget Lukas, du førstår ikke."
Lukas watched him and let just another smile slip out before replying. "I love you too, min kjære."
They sealed the words with more kisses, and Lukas felt all warm in his chest. He wondered if this was what happiness felt like, and with only one more glance at Mathias' brilliant eyes he knew it was.
-x-X-x-
* Reference from the song "I dreamed a dream"
Og det er derfor jeg elsker deg = Norwegian for "And that's why I love you."
Jeg elsker dig så meget Lukas, du førstår ikke = Danish for "I love you so much, Lukas, you don't understand."
Min kjære = Norwegian for my dear/my love."